Emily A. Cox~
Gifted Thinker and Motivator

I am self-motivated, driven, hard working,highly organized, and an excellent communicator– written and verbal. I am a natural leader with vision and focus. I am currently interested in expanding and partnering with an organization to help the organization carry out its mission and vision while striving to embody its core values.
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“Heaven” by 3 Doors Down.

I got lost out there in this world
Looking for a brand new way to fall down
It’s no surprise that things gotten worse
And I think God never let me drown

I didn’t have to lie to myself for so long
I didn’t have to let myself get so far gone
I didn’t have to make the ones I love feel so alone
I didn’t have to die to go to heaven – I just had to go home

While I was having the time of my life
I think my soul died a little every day
I always called to say I’m sorry
You said it’s okay
But you should be through it all – you never walked away

But I didn’t have to lie to myself for so long
I didn’t have to let myself get so far gone
I didn’t have to make the ones I love feel so alone
I didn’t have to die to go to heaven – I just had to go home

Into the arms of my angel
Into the peace I left behind
All I had to do to save my own life
Was to look into your eyes

But I didn’t have to lie to myself for so long
I didn’t have to let myself get so far gone
I didn’t have to make the ones I love feel so alone
I didn’t have to die to go to heaven..

But I didn’t have to lie to myself for so long
I just had to go home
I just had to go home
I just had to go home

So either is plausible:

1. It’s GONE!
2. Counts have dropped too low to where it’s not detectable

Plan: To get re-tested in 2 months (this will have made it so that I would have waited an additional 3 months to get tested) to rule out #2.

If accurate, then:

Scenario 2:  There is a chance that I might still have lyme and the counts are just too low to be detected.  Furthermore, I could “relapse” and results could be hypothesized to show on the re-test in 2 more months.  Even so, with this scenario, the MMS has still worked!  It’s done it’s job!  The next action step would be to continue to take the MMS as long as I can tolerate it, knowing that it’s going to interfere with my thyroid absorption, but knowing that it’s working to kill the lyme faster than any other drug or remedy.

Scenario 1:  It’s GONE!

What do you think, folks, is there a chance being on MMS for the 3 months that I was, taking it every day 5-8 hours per day, CURED my lyme disease? MMS is supposedly the world’s “most powerful” antibacterial!

MMS MAY HAVE CURED MY LYME DISEASE!

PS-  Symptoms summary (Note:  This is only 1/3 of the symptoms I begin with before starting MMS):

Summary: Frequent/Unresolved, Occasional, & Resolved:

Remaining (Note:  This is only 1/3 of the symptoms I begin with before starting MMS):

Frequent/Unresolved:

-Ear-node pain (I would describe it as “ear-jaw, or “ear-node” pain – it’s a constant, dull, aching pain (pressure) behind ears) – occurs at random times for intermittent hour-stretches of time – when it is really bad, it extends to the upper jaw, causing me to clench both my teeth, jaw, and hands; then I get a headache, which often turns into a migraine and will occasionally extend to the neck and upper back, resulting in throbbing, knotting, and burning).
-Joint pain and stiffness in hands/fingers (Occurs on both sides, though slightly more painful on the right.  X-ray for arthritis twice  – both negative).
-Extreme fatigue (varies day-by-day and can strike out of nowhere)
-“Tired” dry eyes and tear ducts (Eye doctor said that my tear ducts dry up every “2 seconds” instead of “13″ seconds.  Additionally, my eyes have lost their “vitality,” ie: vivid/whiteness, and sometimes by the end of the night I look stoned.
-Headaches/Migraines (I get them a few times a year for a week straight)
-Lump in throat sensation (It will randomly feel like I have a golf ball or large-size piece of food stuck in my throat)
-Ringing/buzzing/occasional “swooshing” in ears (Occurs in 1 ear at a time and is known to occur in both ears, though it happens 75% more of the time in right ear)
-Extreme sensitivity to heat and cold (When others are warm, I am uncomfortably hot and sweaty, and when others are comfortable, I am cold)
-Mouth sores (I get little canker sores — clear bubbles in my mouth at random times — usually a single or couple bubbles at once typically behind my front bottom lip)
-Oversensitivity to sound
-Oversensitivity to light (I now have to wear a hat with a visor all the time and sunglasses)
-Dry hair (feels like straw)
-Brittle nails (they no longer grow)
-Foul-smelling boogers (Sounds strange, but is definitely something I have noticed since very early on when I became sick)
-Continual, re-occurring, slow healing infections (I get a lot in my fingers)
-Asymmetrical tonsil (On right side of mouth – Dr. states it looks and feels the “size of a grape”)
-Hypothyroidism (NOT Hashimoto’s)
-Abnormal ANA titer 3x (Negative for rheumatoid factor, ie: scloderma, lupus, arthritis, etc.)

Occasional:

-Clenched teeth/jaw
-Clenched fists (when this happens, it is most noticed upon waking up in the morning)
-Neck/shoulder pain (I will often wake up with EXTREME stiffness in my neck/shoulder area and my neck/shoulders will just randomly burn, especially at night)
-Enlarged neck/throat (lymph) glands (Especially when I work out, even minimally, ie: lifting dumbbells for a half hour)
-Tingling in hands/feet/face (I thought maybe I had MS -Multiple Sclerosis because of the random “tingling” – The face has tingling & numbness around lips and jaw bone upon touch and considerably more noticeable in cold weather)
-Increased anxiety
-Increased depression
-Unexplained weight changes (Extreme gain and loss — fluctuates between 118 and 127 – highest: 136 lbs in a very short periods of time)
-Unexplained hair loss (Noticeable in shower)
-Worsened vision (Blurry, worse at night. Developed astigmatism)

Resolved:

-Weakness in limbs (This has occurred twice.  I was so weak I could not even get up, and I thought I might have to be admitted to the ER.  Also at this time I was sweating – DRENCHED profusely)
-Unexplained menstrual pain and irregularity
-Vertigo (Two single occurrences, 2008 & …)
-Night sweats (Mostly occurred in 2008, but should not be ruled out because they occurred frequently)
-Vivid dreams and nightmares (Fall 2008)
-Hot and cold flashes (Fall 2008 – Occurs periodically often while laying in bed, or perhaps that’s when I notice it most like many of the other symptoms)
-Difficulty falling asleep and insomnia
-Random nose bleeds (Occur twice a year for a week-long stretch and will gush – Last time I went to the ER)
-Extreme dry mouth (Cotton mouth, and it doesn’t matter how much water I drink)
-Fainting (I had my blood drawn and entirely blacked out)
-Cold hands, feet, and nose (Occurs in fall and winter and is out-of-proportion compared to the normal person)

-Bloating (Occurred in Dec 2010- Jan 2011)
-Diarrhea (Occurred in Dec 2010- Jan 2011)
-Constipation (Occurred in Dec 2010- Jan 2011)
-Unusual abdominal cramping (Occurred in Dec 2010- Jan 2011)
-Big toe pain when walking – Gout?

-Allergies/Sensitivities (I have developed an allergy to dust and developed food sensitivity to blackberries and some soy-made products)
-Random rashes (Allergies?  I have eaten the foods before and never developed a rash – now I am getting more rashes when I eat things.  The last rash was on my left kneecap, which did not subside with Benedryl “quick strip.”  The rash remained on my leg for 3 solid days and was triangle-shaped).

2:30PM:  A follower and reader on my facebook states:

“It could have just mutated and they are not looking for the right bands… I hate to tell you that, but it is very possible you still have lyme if you did not take antibiotics.  I am on my 2nd week of 4 weeks of iv antibiotics..This time around seems to be helping so far.” – FB Follower

A clear skeptic she seems to be of any natural “treatment.”  You will have that.  At this point, I am pretty much convinced that the MMS has in fact been effective – how effective I do not know until I get yet a 3rd test to confirm the “negative” diagnosis of the 1st follow-up.

My response:

“I was tested through IGENIX, the top lab in the United States.  IGENIX has the best testing technology and the most sensitive testing.  Additionally, they test for more bans than any other facility.  Either the test was a false-negative, my counts are too low to be detected, or it’s GONE.  At any rate, the MMS has done its job, and it’s worked to treat my lyme disease.  I am going to get re-tested in 2 months (That will have made it 3 months since my last test) to confirm that the results are really correct.  If they come back “positive” then I will not know if the 2nd test was a false-negative, or if the lyme had not cleared fully.  If the test comes back negative again it is certain that my lyme is cleared – that or scenario 2 still exists and the counts are just too low, but I will be inclined to believe that if the confirmation test for this follow-up test to test #2 in 2 months comes back “negative” as this last test did, then my lyme is GONE.” 

MMS is said to be the #1 most powerful killer of bacteria, etc. and is said to be a major threat to the FDA who would lose a TON (Millions of dollars) of money if word got out that MMS is in fact a natural “curer” to most ailments.

Update as of 8/29/11:  Last week I spoke with Dr. Harris, the lead doctor at IGENIX Testing Labs and he said he has never seen anyone “recover” as fast as I have and asked me what I used to treat this lyme.  He stated that no one to his knowledge had recovered that fast even using conventional pharmaceuticals.

I am convinced now that MMS is in fact a “miracle cure.”  Through this illness I had lost nearly everything (I would have described myself as being “emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually “bankrupt,”) and I am now slowly regaining the faith I had lost in myself and the Universe.  After having used this “miracle” supplement, I can honestly say it’s been blessing.  Thank you Jim Humble, and thank you God/HP!  It works!

MMS does in fact work, however, I am at a catch-22 as some of you might have read in my previous entries.  The MMS is making it so that my thyroid medication cannot be absorbed.  I am going to have to discontinue treatment.  My next step, depending upon follow-up test results, will be to try to obtain a 4-week (that is the most a regular, ie: NON-LLMD doctor can prescribe) supply of Doxycycline.  I am hoping that the MMS has fought off a considerable number of the lyme bacteria and that the Doxycycline will be effective alternative in resolving the issue. Doxycycline is known to be very dangerous, however, if doses are too high and prescribed for an extended period of time.  I will not lose hope or give up on a successful recovery.

I had my blood drawn today and paid the $200.00 fee for the IGG and IGM Western Blot Lyme Test follow-up test from IGENIX testing labs.  I will be getting my results in 3 weeks and will be eager to see if anything has changed.  Additionally, I will be getting my results for my thyroid panel and screening in 1 week, as well as a CBC (Complete Blood Count) that was ran.  These tests will determine whether MMS has been successful. 

Next steps:  I see the ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat) specialist again on August 5th.  At that point I will likely be referred to a neurologist for the continued facial pain.  I will let everyone know the outcome of my tests, having taken MMS for 112 days aka 3 months 20 days, in 3 weeks.

Stay tuned!

Note:  All symptoms started Fall 2007.  Most symptoms occur worse on the right lateral part of my body, but all symptoms are unilateral.  I am more inclined to notice symptoms while lying in bed at night and in the morning although they occur during the day and are noticeable, but I am trying to stay busy and function (very difficult).  I often stay home because I am so tired and ache (ear-node/jaw/back/neck/shoulder).

Color Coding:

Red-  Current and unrelenting
Black-  Past or single occurrence (Note:  Possibly latent)

Musculoskeleton System:

-Joint pain in hands/fingers (Occurs in both hands, though slightly more painful on the right side.  Was x-ray for arthritis twice  – both negative).
-Neck/shoulder pain (I will often wake up with EXTREME stiffness in my neck/shoulder area and my neck/shoulders will just randomly burn, especially at night)
-Weakness in limbs (This has occurred twice.  I was so weak I could not even get up, and I thought I might have to be admitted to the ER.  Also at this time I was sweating – DRENCHED profusely)
-Unexplained menstrual pain and irregularity

Neurologic System:

-Tingling in hands/feet/face (I thought maybe I had MS -Multiple Sclerosis because of the random “tingling” – The face has tingling & numbness around lips and jaw bone upon touch and considerably more noticeable in cold weather)
-Dizziness/increased motion sickness (Occurs every few days randomly)
-Headaches/Migraines (I get them a few times a year for a week straight)
-Fainting (I had my blood drawn and entirely blacked out)
-Vertigo (Two single occurrences)

Psychological Well-Being:

-Vivid dreams and nightmares (Fall 2008)
-Increased anxiety
-Difficulty falling asleep and insomnia
-Increased depression

Head, Face, & Neck:

-Lump in throat sensation (It will randomly feel like I have a golf ball or large-size piece of food stuck in my throat)
-Asymmetrical tonsil (On right side of mouth – Dr. states it looks and feels the “size of a grape”)
-Mouth sores (I get little canker sores — clear bubbles in my mouth at random times — usually a single or couple bubbles at once typically behind my front bottom lip)
-Facial flushing (MRI showed inflammation in cheeks)
-Random nose bleeds (Occur twice a year for a week-long stretch and will gush – Last time I went to the ER)
-Extreme dry mouth (Cotton mouth, and it doesn’t matter how much water I drink)

Eyes, Vision:

-“Tired” dry eyes and tear ducts (Eye doctor said that my tear ducts dry up every “2 seconds” instead of “13″ seconds.  Additionally, my eyes have lost their “vitality,” ie: vivid/whiteness, and sometimes by the end of the night I look stoned.
-Oversensitivity to light (I now have to wear a hat with a visor all the time and sunglasses)
-Worsened vision (Blurry, worse at night. Developed astigmatism)

Ears/Hearing:

-Ear-node pain (Constant dull, aching pain behind ears – random times for intermittent hour-stretches of time – when it is really bad, it extends to the upper jaw, causing me to clench both my teeth/jaws and hands, then I get a headache, and then my upper back and neck start throbbing, knotting, and burning)
-Buzzing in ears (Occurs in 1 ear at a time and is known to occur in both ears, though it happens 75% more of the time in right ear)
-Oversensitivity to sound

Digestive:

-Bloating
-Diarrhea
-Constipation
-Unusual abdominal cramping (This has happened a couple times. I will get pain in my abdominal region when I am not on my period)

Respiratory/Circulatory System:

-Extreme sensitivity to heat and cold (When others are warm, I am uncomfortably hot and sweaty, and when others are comfortable, I am cold)
-Night sweats (Mostly occurred in 2008, but should not be ruled out because they occurred frequently)
-Cold hands, feet, and nose (Occurs in fall and winter and is out-of-proportion compared to the normal person)
-Hot and cold flashes (Occurs periodically often while laying in bed, or perhaps that’s when I notice it most like many of the other symptoms)

General Well-Being:

-Extreme fatigue (varies day-by-day and can strike out of nowhere)
-Unexplained weight changes (Extreme gain and loss — fluctuates between 118 and 136 lbs and changes in a very short periods of time)
-Enlarged neck/throat (lymph) glands (Especially when I work out, even minimally, ie: lifting dumbbells for a half hour)
-Foul-smelling boogers (Sounds strange, but is definitely something I have noticed since very early on when I became sick).
-Continual, re-occurring, slow healing infections (I get a lot in my fingers)
-Allergies/Sensitivities (I have developed an allergy to dust and developed food sensitivity to blackberries and some soy-made products)
-Random rashes (Allergies?  I have eaten the foods before and never developed a rash – now I am getting more rashes when I eat things.  The last rash was on my left kneecap, which did not subside with Benedryl “quick strip.”  The rash remained on my leg for 3 solid days and was triangle-shaped).

Other:

-Abnormal ANA titer 3x (Negative for rheumatoid factor, ie: scloderma, lupus, arthritis, etc.)
-Hypothyroidism (NOT Hashimoto’s)
-Unexplained hair loss (Every time I take a shower, more hair sheds than necessary)
-Dry hair (feels like straw)
-Brittle nails (they no longer grow)
-Dandruff (I have never had a problem with dandruff until now)

My symptoms have mocked: HIV, MS (Multiple Sclerosis), Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, Arthritis, Meniere’s disease, TMJ, Fibromyalgia, CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), Mono (Epstein-Barr), Mumps, Babesia, Sjogrens Syndrome, etc.

My thyroid scores (which have been normal since I’ve been taking Synthroid to stimulate thyroid hormone) have gone back to hypothyroid, making me wonder whether the MMS may be effecting the adsorption of the medication; two, I have been very bloated, retaining I would assume water and salt, which I believe to be from the MMS, which is primarily salt, and three, I have been super tired and sluggish – another symptom of hypothyroid.

My thyroid, with the thyroid replacement hormone, was functioning fine before I started taking MMS.  Since taking MMS, the symptoms of hypothyroidism have come back, making me miserable – ie, huge bloating (most noticeable in stomach, then face, then fingers – making me look heavier than I am), fatigue/sluggish, etc.

It’s a paradox however because the MMS seems to be working to kill off many of my other symptoms, including:

-Hot and cold flashes (Occurs periodically often while laying in bed, or perhaps that’s when I notice it most like many of the other symptoms)
-Extreme dry mouth (Cotton mouth, and it doesn’t matter how much water I drink)
-Lump in throat sensation (It will randomly feel like I have a golf ball or large-size piece of food stuck in my throat)
-Mouth sores (I get little canker sores — clear bubbles in my mouth at random times — usually a single or couple bubbles at once typically behind my front bottom lip)
-Neck/shoulder pain (I will often wake up with EXTREME stiffness in my neck/shoulder area and my neck/shoulders will just randomly burn, especially at night)
-Enlarged neck/throat (lymph) glands (Especially when I work out, even minimally, ie: lifting dumbbells for a half hour)
-Tingling in hands/feet/face (I thought maybe I had MS -Multiple Sclerosis because of the random “tingling”)
-Foul-smelling boogers (Sounds strange, but is definitely something I have noticed since very early on when I became sick).
-Continual, re-occurring, slow healing infections (I get a lot in my fingers)

Since taking MMS, the symptoms listed above have gone from occurring frequently to rarely.  I will still keep my eye open on their occurrence and frequency.

I am torn at the moment in terms of which action to take, ie: continue taking MMS and continue to getting more bloated (It’s making me look 15 pounds heavier than I am) and allow it to effect my thyroid to where I am exhausted every day, or not take it and run the risk of all my symptoms returning and my lyme bacteria forming “cysts” (right now they should be in the non-cyst form because I have been “aiming ‘bullets’” at them so-to-speak with the MMS, and I had not taken any other medication before to try and fight off the infection, so they received a straight shot of MMS, which I have continually been pumping into my body now for the past 3 months.

I do not want to stop taking it and make a mistake, but the effecting my thyroid absorption is very problematic and all of the symptoms that go along with that alone!  I almost feel like I am stuck in a catch-22 – like I either have to have hypothyroidism (which is bad – many of my symptoms alone are related to hypothyroidism by itself) or have lyme disease, which is even worse.  So basically I feel like I need to rid my lyme (most importantly) but in the meantime I am struggling with hypothyroidism because the MMS appears to be messing the absorption up!

With that being said, I feel like I cannot win… I wish there was something out there just as powerful as MMS that did not conflict with my thyroid medication… even if I knew of something though, I have already started the MMS, and I trust that it’s working so I don’t think I would want to take it.  Stuck!

Emily’s Symptoms:

Current/Unresolved Issues:

-Ear-node pain (Constant dull, aching pain behind ears – random times for intermittent hour-stretches of time – when it is really bad, it extends to the upper jaw, causing me to clench both my teeth/jaws and hands, then I get a headache, and then my upper back and neck start throbbing, knotting, and burning)
-Buzzing in ears (Occurs in 1 ear at a time and is known to occur in both ears, though it happens 75% more of the time in right ear)
-Asymmetrical tonsil (On right side of mouth – Dr. states it looks and feels the “size of a grape”)
-Joint pain in hands/fingers (Occurs in both hands, though slightly more painful on the right side.  Was x-ray for arthritis twice  – both negative).
-“Tired,” dry eyes and tear ducts daily (Eye doctor said that my tear ducts dry up every “2 seconds” instead of “13″ seconds.  Additionally, my eyes have lost their “vitality,” ie: vivid/whiteness, and sometimes by the end of the night I look stoned when I am not even around smoke or anything to irritate my eyes.  This also effects my ability to ride a bicycle because of the dry air)
-Extreme fatigue (varies day-by-day and can strike out of nowhere)
-Abnormal ANA titer 3x (Negative for rheumatoid factor, ie: scloderma, lupus, arthritis, etc.)
-Hypothyroidism (NOT Hashimoto’s)
-Dizziness/increased motion sickness (Occurs every few days randomly)
-Extreme sensitivity to heat and cold (When others are warm, I am uncomfortably hot and sweaty, and when others are comfortable, I am cold)
-Unexplained hair loss (Every time I take a shower, more hair sheds than necessary)
-Dry hair (feels like straw)
-Brittle nails (they no longer grow)
-Oversensitivity to light (I now have to wear a hat with a visor all the time and sunglasses)
-Facial flushing (MRI showed inflammation in cheeks)
-Unexplained weight changes (Extreme gain and loss — fluctuates between 118 and 136 lbs and changes in a very short periods of time)

Note:  All symptoms started Fall 2007.  Most symptoms occur worse on the right lateral part of my body, but all symptoms are unilateral.  I am more inclined to notice symptoms while laying in bed at night and in the morning although they occur during the day and are noticeable, but I am trying to stay busy and function (very difficult).  I often stay home because I am so tired and ache (ear-node/jaw/back/neck/shoulder).

Recent Past (Latent?):

-Hot and cold flashes (Occurs periodically often while laying in bed, or perhaps that’s when I notice it most like many of the other symptoms)
-Extreme dry mouth (Cotton mouth, and it doesn’t matter how much water I drink)
-Lump in throat sensation (It will randomly feel like I have a golf ball or large-size piece of food stuck in my throat)
-Mouth sores (I get little canker sores — clear bubbles in my mouth at random times — usually a single or couple bubbles at once typically behind my front bottom lip)
-Headaches/Migraines (I get them a few times a year for a week straight – Note:  At a separate time when I get the nosebleeds)
-Neck/shoulder pain (I will often wake up with EXTREME stiffness in my neck/shoulder area and my neck/shoulders will just randomly burn, especially at night)
-Enlarged neck/throat (lymph) glands (Especially when I work out, even minimally, ie: lifting dumbbells for a half hour)
-Tingling in hands/feet/face (I thought maybe I had MS -Multiple Sclerosis because of the random “tingling”)
-Foul-smelling boogers (Sounds strange, but is definitely something I have noticed since very early on when I became sick).
-Continual, re-occurring, slow healing infections (I get a lot in my fingers)
-Night sweats (Mostly occurred in 2008, but should not be ruled out because they occurred frequently)
-Cold hands, feet, and nose (Occurs in fall and winter and is out-of-proportion compared to every person in the room)

-Random nose bleeds (Occur twice a year for a week-long stretch and will gush – Last time I went to the ER)
-Vision difficulties (Worsened, blurry far away vision – worse at night; developed a slight astigmatism)
-Increased anxiety
-Increased panic in crowded places
-Difficulty falling asleep and insomnia
-Increasing depression
-Vivid dreams and nightmares
-Allergies/Sensitivities (I have developed an allergy to dust and developed food sensitivity to blackberries and some soy-made products)
-Random rashes (Allergies?  I have eaten the foods before and never developed a rash – now I am getting more rashes when I eat things.  The last rash was on my left kneecap, which did not subside with Benedryl “quick strip.”  The rash remained on my leg for 3 solid days and was triangle-shaped).
-Weakness in limbs (This has occurred twice.  I was so weak I could not even get up, and I thought I might have to be admitted to the ER.  Also at this time I was sweating – DRENCHED profusely)
-Fainting (I had my blood drawn and entirely blacked out)
-Dandruff (I have never had dandruff my entire life)
-Unexplained menstrual pain and irregularity
-Unusual abdominal cramping (This has happened a couple times. I will get pain in my abdominal region when I am not on my period)

-Need to get back to structure so that I can continue to take MMS consistently
-MMS taste still awful!
-I take it with water for effectiveness
-Ear-node pain the most pressing symptom (MRI approval pending)
-Boogers no longer smell; less finger and finger nail infections (MMS is definitely working here)

Bloating has occurred because stomach looks fat yet my weight is 121-122 lbs!  MMS causing possible water retention?  (Making me not want to use it) – Going to try doing some sit ups and seeing if it helps…

Over all, seems to be working!

Lady Antebellum- “All We’d Ever Need”

Boy it’s been all this time
And I can’t get you off my mind
And nobody knows it but me

I stare at your photograph
Still sleep in the shirt you left
And nobody knows it but me

Everyday I wipe my tears away
So many nights I’ve prayed for you to say

[Chorus]
I should’ve been chasing you
I should’ve been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should’ve said all the things that I kept inside of me
And maybe I could’ve made you believe
That what we had was all we’d ever need

My friends think I’m moving on
But the truth is I’m not that strong
And nobody knows it but me

And I’ve kept all the words you said
In a box underneath my bed
And nobody knows it but me

But if you’re happy I’ll get through somehow
But the truth is that I’ve been screaming out

[Repeat Chorus]

I should’ve been chasing you
You should’ve been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
Oh you should’ve said all the things
That I kept inside of me
And maybe you could’ve made me believe
That what we had girl
Oh that what we had, what we had
It was all we’d ever need
It was all we’d ever need

Both of these cards are dis-favorable cards, and I have drawn them more times than I can count.  The reality is my health is not in good shape and is compromised.  My ear-node pain is getting worse.  I have it in both ears, although the right side (also where my asymmetrical tonsil is located) is worse, and it gets so bad sometimes that it radiates to my upper jaw, causing a headache in back and front and then finally neck and shoulder pain.  The ear-node pain is worse when I am stressed out and cold air makes it worse, however, the pain comes and goes at any time.

All other symptoms, ie: hair loss, joint pain in hand/fingers, weight gain (and loss), fatigue (extreme), dry/red/bloodshot eyes, hot/cold flashes, occasional night sweats, etc. are so trivial compared to the ear-node pain, which on a 1-5 scale is about a 4 most of the time, sometimes hitting a 3 and other times a whopping 5.  I am too young to be having these kinds of issues.  Whatever I have going on — this “viral” illness that I came down with either in August of 2008 or Fall of 2007 (I became extremely sick both times) has caused my thyroid to stop working and one thing after another (in my body) to shut down.

At any rate, I am concerned, and I am now thinking about what would happen if I died… ie, if what I have going on is serious, ie: cancer, a tumor, etc.  The cards that have continually popped out are standing out.  “Cards” aside, I have a health issue that is progressively getting worse and nobody knows what it is.  One agency — IGENIX — a top lyme-testing lab in Palo Alto, CA, has diagnosed me with chronic lyme disease and yet the CDC (Center for Disease Control), which we all know has too “low” standards, states that I only meet 3 out of 5 criteria for lyme and so I would technically not have it.  This in and of itself is a huge controversy within the lyme community.

Needless to say, I am thinking about existential matters.  On my way home tonight from NJ after having ran errands and bought groceries I pondered, “What are the 12 things I would like to do before I die?”  ie, if you found out you had 6 months to live, what would you do?  So it has me thinking… and I know that sounds depressing, but lets be prepared for the worst-case scenario.  What do I really have here?  My things — they mean nothing; they will parish when I do.  “What matters to me?”  Death really makes you contemplate.

I cannot help but wonder how many people have had near-death experiences that have changed their lives.  Will I have one?  I can’t tell you how many psychics I’ve been to — trusted ones (my family used to go to one — Ms. Nancy Bowman) who have told me I will have a “cancer” scare — and “scare” or not, that may involve surgery, death, etc.  At any rate, it makes you think — “What is ‘life’ (this thing I have not even begun to fully experience) all about?”  “What will/would I like to do if I was going to die in 6 months and knew it?”  “What things would (will) I have experienced?”

My first thought, or one of my first thoughts was “I wish I had money (I don’t have any savings or inheritance, what can I say?) I would give it to Ashley and to Jen’s little brother, Jessy.”  I say this not because I think money has worth, but because I believe that it can get people somewhere — it can provide opportunity.  I want to see little Jessy go to college; I have desired that from him since I first saw him, because he deserves it.  At any rate, I do not have money, so what can I give?  That brings me to say “What would I do?” ie, listing 10-12 things before my life runs out.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

How often and how many of us really think about this?  At any minute any of us could come down with a terminal illness — what are the things (journal) that would want to do given your 6 months to live?

I had told Erin tonight that I would be happy just knowing that I have discovered my purpose – do you know how rare and precious of a gift that is, especially for someone my age?  My purpose is to Serve — to be a vessel, a catalyst for others — to create opportunity and prosperity.  I am interested in providing for myself, my future family, and the community — providing financial and educational opportunities.  Maybe I would have never had a chance to live out that dream; however, I am grateful for having had the clarity to discover the purpose.

I discovered my purpose while in Vermont, which was the best (most life-enhancing) experience of my life.  It really opened my eyes up, and I am thankful (gracious) to have experienced it.  I met some wonderful people and for the first time in my life can say that I discovered “family.”  We choose our family.  Anothe thing, I discovered I had choice in Vermont, and I also found (for the most part) my Voice.  I was able to express myself there for perhaps the first time and was encouraged to express myself and develop my potential.  People (the community) supported me — my interests, well-being, etc.

I will have to think about how to answer this question.  10 things…

Lady Antebellum-  Hello World.

Hello World by Lady Antebellum

Traffic crawls, cell phone calls
Talk video screams at me
Through my tinted window I see
…A little girl, rust red minivan
She’s got chocolate on her face
Got little hands, and she waves at me
Ya, she smiles at me

Hello world
How’ve you been?
Good to see you, my old friend
Sometimes I feel cold as steel
Broken like I’m never gonna heal
I see a light, a little hope
In a little girl
Hello world

Every day I drive by
A little white church
It’s got these little white crosses
Like angels in the yard
Maybe I should stop on in
Say a prayer
Maybe talk to God
Like he is here
Oh I know he is there
Ya, I know he’s there

Hello world
How’ve you been?
Good to see you, my old friend
Sometimes I feel as cold as steel
And broken like I’m never going to heal
I see a light
A little grace, a little faith unfurled
Hello world

Sometimes I forget what living’s for
And I heave my life through my front door
And I’ll be there
Oh I’m home again
I see my wife, little boy, little girl
Hello world
Hello world

All the empty disappears
I remember why I’m here
Just surrender and believe
I fall down on my knees
Oh hello world
Hello world
Hello world

Lady Antebellum-  Hello World.

Traffic crawls, cell phone calls
Talk video screams at me
Through my tinted window I see
…A little girl, rust red minivan
She’s got chocolate on her face
Got little hands, and she waves at me
Ya, she smiles at me

Hello world
How’ve you been?
Good to see you, my old friend
Sometimes I feel cold as steel
Broken like I’m never gonna heal
I see a light, a little hope
In a little girl
Hello world

Every day I drive by
A little white church
It’s got these little white crosses
Like angels in the yard
Maybe I should stop on in
Say a prayer
Maybe talk to God
Like he is here
Oh I know he is there
Ya, I know he’s there

Hello world
How’ve you been?
Good to see you, my old friend
Sometimes I feel as cold as steel
And broken like I’m never going to heal
I see a light
A little grace, a little faith unfurled
Hello world

Sometimes I forget what living’s for
And I heave my life through my front door
And I’ll be there
Oh I’m home again
I see my wife, little boy, little girl
Hello world
Hello world

All the empty disappears
I remember why I’m here
Just surrender and believe
I fall down on my knees
Oh hello world
Hello world
Hello world

A reader believes that I am having cardiac problems resulting from late stage lyme disease.  He wants me to be on cautious of a heart attack.  I am having major ear-node pain.  When the pain is really bad, it extends to my upper jaw.  The pain comes and goes and its intensity varies from a 3 to 5 on 1-5 scale with 5 being the most severe.  I also get occasional hand-joint pain, in the hand and fingers.  My ear also buzzes and rings for about 20 seconds a few times a week.  Most of my symptoms for some reason seem to be worse on the right side of my body.

I also have an asymmetrical tonsil inside my throat, which I first noticed about 1 year after I had become sick.  Dr’s have wanted to conduct a CT SCAN to see if it could be a growth or tumor, but I am trying to avoid this due to the high radiation exposure.  The CT SCAN is the last thing I would like to do.

Fatigue comes and goes and is extreme.  I can be tired after having done only one thing.  A walk around the corner can leave me exhausted.  Whenever I try working out with 10 lb dumbbells I end up with swollen lymph glands in the neck and throat.  Sleep doesn’t make a difference.  I get about 8-9 hours of sleep on average.  I fall asleep between 12 a.m., sometimes between 1-2 a.m.

So in summary, ear-node pain (when intense, extends to the jaw), joint pain (hand/fingers), buzzing in ear, headaches, and extreme fatigue are the major symptoms.  There are several others.  The pain is unbearable.

Something Corporate – “I won’t make you.”

I’m under attack again my dear, I’m in the way
Got no resolutions, no clever anecdotes to say
And still if I yell at the top of my lungs will it be the same?
I’d fly you a flag, I’d bury this pen into my veins

I wanna feel through you tonight
But I won’t make you
I won’t make you

The telephone number I got for you says nobody’s home
The best thing I can think to do right now is leave it alone

And you had an apology in your mailbox since last July
It’s funny when you find the words to say you find no reply

I wanna feel through you tonight
But I won’t make you
I won’t make you

Scream my name just one more time

But I won’t make you
I won’t make you

And it’s been hours now

To be here like this
And just to lay you down
And just to taste your lips
And just to keep me up
God I’m tired of sleeping
And just to lay inside you
And just to know this feeling

I wanna feel through you tonight
But I won’t make you
I won’t make you

Scream my name just one more time

But I won’t make you
I won’t make you

Something Corporate-  Down.

Let’s get drunk
You can drive us to the harbor
Wish upon a star but
Do you know what stars are?
Balls of fire, burning up the black space
Falling from the landscape
Exploding in the face of God

Let’s get crazy,
Talk about our big plans
Places that you’re going
Places that I haven’t been
Build my walls up
Concrete castle
Keep this kingdom free of hassle, yeah

Yeah
Yeah

I hear sound echo in the emptiness
All around but you can’t change this loneliness
Look what you’ve found, I’ve fallen down

Taste the saline rolling down your cheekbone
Tell me that you’re alone, tell me on the telephone
Feel your heart it breaks within your chest now
Try to get some rest now, sleeps not coming easy for a while, child

Child, yeah

I hear sound echo in the emptiness
All around but you can’t change this loneliness
Look what you’ve found, I’ve fallen down
Down, down
Down, down

I hear sound echo in the emptiness
All around but you can’t change this loneliness
Look what you’ve found, I’ve fallen down
Look at what you’ve found, I’m falling down
Look at what you’ve found, I’m falling down…

I lost my father when I was 19 and perhaps never quite recovered from the loss, because since, I have sought out the “security” of this loss through unhealthy relationships with addicted and psychologically disturbed individuals.  They have sucked the life out of me, and now I am about to be free though I am dreading what’s on the other “side” — the “light” more than anything, and it’s as though I have forgotten what “life” tastes like.

I cannot believe that it has been 3 years that I have been involved with Erin.  I also cannot believe that I allowed two other relationships to waste and take over (control) of my life prior to that.  I have not been happy since 2006 and have sort of been in this downward spiral of attracting nutcases.

I guess I need to be alone and grieve the many important losses — ie, my father, in my life before this destructive pattern continues.  I have hope for myself, but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel virtually numb right now I am so much in shock.  I am so lonely and sad… I feel in many ways on some level like I deserved to be treated this way, but I know that no one deserves it, and I didn’t cause it.  I am sure I played a role and enabled at points, but I was not aware of it, and it still doesn’t make abuse on someone else’s part right.

I am not even going to ask for the support of anyone right now because of the tremendous guilt I feel right now.  I feel, like usual, like this was my fault even though I know it wasn’t.  It is hard to believe that someone can love you when they treat you in such a way.  Erin would often say one thing and do another, and the things that she would say to me, ie: “Go fuck yourself,” “Go to hell,” “I will go and ‘fuck’ whoever I want,” etc. were beyond my comprehension.

I have made a very honest attempt to be honest, and I have changed and grown up a lot, and the truth is, I have just found myself in a very bad habit of destructive relationships, and I truly believe all of these — this pattern, to be linked to the unresolved grievance of my father.

I am hurting.

“Spin” -Lifehouse

I’d rather chase your shadow all my life
than be afraid of my own
I’d rather be with you
I’d rather not know
where I’ll be than be alone and convinced that I know
and the world keeps spinning round
my world’s upside down and I wouldn’t change a thing
I’ve got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you and I wouldn’t change thing
no you and I wouldn’t change a thing
everything I know has let me down
so I will just let go
let you turn me inside out
cause I know I’m not sure
about anything but you wouldn’t have it any other way
and the world keeps spinning round
my world’s upside down and I wouldn’t change a thing
I’ve got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you and I wouldn’t change thing
no you and I wouldn’t change a thing
spinning, turning, watching, burning
all my life has found its meaning
walking, crawling, climbing, falling
all my life has found its meaning
you and I wouldn’t change a thing
no you and I wouldn’t change a thing
and the world keeps spinning round
my world’s upside down and I wouldn’t change a thing
I’ve got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you and I wouldn’t change thing
no you and I wouldn’t change a thing
no you and I wouldn’t change a thing

I am still taking MMS – Magical Mineral Solution for the symptoms I have been experiencing with what IGENIX believes to be “Lyme Disease,” but I am also interested in keeping my mind open to other options.

I plan to continue to take the MMS, but I just want to know what else is out there!  Next step:  Going to do some research on ISOTONIX OPC-3 taken in conjunction with MMS.

Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: ISOTONIX OPC-3, LYME disease, MMS, natural cures, natural remedies, Oligomeric Proanthocyanidins, OPC-3 ]]> http://not2bforgot10.wordpress.com/2011/05/25/may-25th-2011-isotonix-opc-3-for-my-lyme-disease/feed/ 0 0.000000 0.000000 0.000000 0.000000 not2bforgot10 ISOTONIX OPC-3 http://not2bforgot10.wordpress.com/2011/05/23/may-23rd-2011-mms-magical-mineral-solution-day-63-parts-1-2-healing-fibromyalgia-lyme-disease/ http://not2bforgot10.wordpress.com/2011/05/23/may-23rd-2011-mms-magical-mineral-solution-day-63-parts-1-2-healing-fibromyalgia-lyme-disease/#comments Mon, 23 May 2011 20:25:27 +0000 not2bforgot10 http://not2bforgot10.wordpress.com/?p=1955 ]]> Part 2: 
Part 1:

I am so tired of the push/pull.  When she said she will “fuck” whoever she wants I became LIVID, which is understandable.  Why?  Because I felt (feel) cheated!  I feel like I got the short end of the stick!  Just yesterday she was talking about how in (quote) “next” relationship she will know what to do and what not to do.  This came about because I had said to her (I was complaining for the 50th time) about how she keeps “saying” she’ll do x, y, and z (ie, be respectful, listen, go somewhere with me, participate, etc) and doesn’t and she made a snide comment about how she’ll be sure to do it in her “next” relationship.

Yes, I have my “girlfriend” saying this stuff to me!  Unbelievable.  The reason I don’t walk away from her is because I feel like she owes me the decency to establish trust!  I gave her myself transparently.  I gave my all, and I was honest and candid with her, and she fucking hurt me over and over — so I feel like she owes me decency!  She flaked out.  She did not commit.  She hurt, cheated, and lied — the least the girl (I say “girl,” because she does not act like a woman by any means) can do is give me what I deserve relationally.

I’m so tired of hearing her words, “I don’t ‘give’ a shit,” or “Look,” as she yells out with her hands in the air, or like today for instance at the breakfast table she made a mistake ordering some stuff for her work and so she slammed her pills down that I ad laid on the kitchen table — which is another thing — she refuses to take her pills for her supposed “bipolar” (quite frankly, I think she’s psychotic).  Anyway, she has pills for her “bipolar” and anti-anxiety pills, both which she is refusing to take, which are her responsibility to take because if she doesn’t then the lives of others are endangered!

I should not have to say to her, “Erin, did you take your medication,” and hear, “No, I forgot” every-single-day.  It is her responsibility.  I am tired of her rages, and it cannot be solely blamed on her not taking her meds.  She just told me yesterday that she doesn’t think they do a “damn” thing for her.  She’s so fucking defensive I hate it.  She’s selfish.  She just told me today that she’s an asshole.  I hate that she is sitting here pushing me away, and again, I stay, because I feel like it is my right to be treated with respect and she knows what acceptable behavior is, and I would like to see her take up her part and demonstrate it.

She is a lousy girlfriend who is not a girlfriend at all.  Here I am trying, with my heart — always, open, and yet she refuses to “be a man” so-to-speak.  She is a fucking slime ball, and again, I say this only because I know that she is capable of doing her half so we wouldn’t have to be this way.  We fight because she is selfish!  I am the one who has done the research and who is willing to work on things, to try things out, to work on myself, etc. and she refuses.  She is resistant to change and incapable of being in a monogamous relationship.

As if things couldn’t get any worse, I have some assholes pranking me now on my cell phone… It’s a bunch of guys and girls pretending to be “radio stations” and saying they’re “alcoholics” and need my help.  I am not even involved with the 12-step community… they asked me obnoxiously if I could help them with their alcohol addiction (I heard a bunch of people laughing in the background), and I said, “I’m sorry, but I am not a counselor or therapist; I’m a life coach,” and they said, “Fuck you ******” and hung up.  I am tired of being harassed.  I feel like everything in my life right now is going down hill.

Furthermore, I cannot leave this shit hole of a lifestyle until I have a steady job.  Right now I am doing coaching, yes, but I only have 1 paying client because I am not working a steady job right now so I am not “linked up,” ie: marketing, networking, etc.  I am doing what I can to market online and have offered some complimentary sessions to people, but most of those people, like everyone I am meeting, have stood me up, probably because it’s true that when you offer something for “free” it’s not taken seriously.  I basically need to only accept clients who are willing to pay for my services in order to not get yanked around.

The housing environment I am living in is controlling in every way, shape, and form, and I do not have any space to live or breathe — I do not feel supported in any way and do not have any friends that I relate to.  I have gone to several events, on average about 2 a week now, which is huge for me, and I have met several people, and only one group I bond with.  The group of people I bond with are create, mixed bag of “Highly Sensitive” persons.  It’s basically a discussion group based off a book, “The Highly Sensitive Person,” and it meets once a month in different parts of PA — not exactly that accessible.

At any rate, I bonded with the people there.  As a “Highly Sensitive” person, we are sensitive to stimuli — sound, light, noise, textures, etc.  We need things quiet, like nature, enjoy reflecting, reading, writing, etc. — have exceptional empathetic skills, psychic abilities (vary person-by-person), creative, bright, etc.  The group ranges from people ages 40-70, and I really got along with the group.  I was happy there and felt safe.  I was also engaged.  It felt good.  So yeah, peers my age I do not typically fit in with, which doesn’t mean I am not willing to try, just simply that I know what works for me.

In terms of work, I am putting myself out there, and I have not heard back from anyone.  I do not understand this phenomena, as I am a very hard worker.  I am honestly thinking that this is a time in my life that is supposed to be absolute hell (turmoil) for me.  Nothing is working and everything is failing.  There are “good” days and there are bad, and the bad far outweigh the good.  I was happy in Vermont, but quite frankly, I don’t think, or know how much geographical location should play a part in one’s happiness… I think that happiness should be and start internally.

Tonight I am going to go to this “business” networking event where there will be 150 people.  I have never been to anything like this, and I am a bit nervous and already having doubts about it.  150 people is a lot of people.  I can stand small groups, but large groups drive me nuts and are overwhelming.  The business meetup is also at a sports bar which bothers me, and I cannot help but think, “What is this world coming to?”  ie, why can’t the  meetup be at a non-smoke/alcohol place where everyone can enjoy it?

I just don’t know which path/direction to take… I want to go back to school, but I also don’t want to hide behind school, and I also think that I need to be working first before enrolling in a graduate program.  I need income.  I have only a little left in my bank account… I sold my car, which is how I have been paying for every day living, but what’s left will only hold out for so long…

All of my tarot readings keep predicting major negativity.  And no, not all tarot card readings are negative, and no, “tarot” cards (for anyone reading this) are not “satanic.”  Some people have natural gifts and abilities, and I look at the cards quite literally… they’re cards with pictures depicted on them (and no, they are not haunting images) that we project our subconscious onto and tell a story with.  They are found in the “game” section at stores.

At any rate, I am happy to have found my “people,” ie: the 40-70 year old’s, but they all live in the upper class and wealthy neighborhoods.  They have shown me around and have offered to introduce me to their friends, which is great, but it’s a good 1 hour and 30 minute bus ride each way out to their area.  I live in South Philly; they live in Mt. Airy and tons in Chestnut Hill (suburbs of Philly).  So yeah…. It is just lonesome for me right now, and I feel like my world is falling apart…

In terms of the MMS — Magical Mineral Solution… I am still taking it hour by hour.  The taste is still disgusting (this started after 6 weeks of taking it).  It seems to be working.  I am now on a higher dose of thyroid medication (MMS seems to be interfering with the absorption of the pill) which is making me feel jittery.  I was on 50 mcg of thyroid supplement before and it made me hyper (the opposite of what I am) thyroid, and I had to lower my dose to 37 mg.  If 50 is too much and 37 not enough, I will have to take matters into my own hands and do 37 one day and 50 the next, etc.

I just want things to fall in line for me; I have so much potential, and I just don’t know what’s happening… I honestly wonder if it’s fate, and am scared that I have lost something essential needed to live my life.  Which brings me to say, “What in life is really necessary?”  Maybe this is some sick lesson about my priorities… maybe all we need in life is food, shelter, clothing, friends, and God.  If that’s the case, to the hell with everything — screw work, etc.  Really though… if I can’t even find work, attract clients, friends, etc. then SOME thing in my life is not right.

I need answers.  ie, divinely answers.  God, do you want to speak to me?  Am I supposed to be going to this bar tonight, God?  …to meet other “business” people?  Is “business” even where I’m supposed to be?  “I’m a writer for god-sake,” I think to myself.  And to those readings this, I assure you I am not lost — just a little off the beaten path.  At any rate, “God, do you want to guide me on which path and direction I am supposed to take so that my life can go smoothly?”