June 18th, 2010; Vulnerable, Raw.

I’m feeling very vulnerable and raw right now.  I strained my the left side of my neck and back today learning how to box :(  After boxing I hopped in the pool and within an hour it started hurting bad.

Chris and I played basketball in the pool.  It’s funny because we had gone out to practice boxing, and I had just sent Ashley a link to this journal… and well, the minute we stepped outside, there were two people, a guy and a girl –younger couple, in the pool playing basketball!

My jaw dropped, and I was like “Aww, ‘Love and Basketball,’ is one of Ashley’s favorite movies, and I thought it was a huge coincidence how they were playing when I had literally just contacted Ash and actually mentioned her to Chris yesterday about how we used to play ball in the pool.

Anyway, so here I am inside, laying in bed, in pain, thinking of my strained neck and back, the situation with Erin, and Ashley.  Of course I have unresolved grief… a good string of it, but that doesn’t take away the feelings of missing a good friend (Ashley) I had… I respected Ash.

It’s so hard to find someone respectful of themselves it seems, and especially someone who has a good head on their shoulders.  For how I grew up Ashley had a pretty good head on her shoulders.  She was always positive and optimistic and always knew how to have a good time and get through things.  I supposed I am pretty strong, too, but Ash was a trooper.

To make a long story short, Ashley and I dated for 3-4 months, and I broke up with her to get back together with my ex.  My ex had cheated on me right before I met Ash… so I wasn’t fully over her, and Ash wasn’t over her gf (both Ash and I had both just gotten out of relationships) and my gf after 3-4 months of seeing Ashley and I together couldn’t take it and wanted to get back together.

She swore that she had changed and stated that she “needed” me, was “sorry,” etc, and because I had not taken the time to grieve her, I still had grief, which confused me… so, to say the least, I ended up getting back with her.  She did end up cheating on me again with the very same person, but that’s another story!

So I broke Ashley’s heart… it was the biggest mistake of my life, but I definitely learned from it, and it made me into a new person.  I mean that in every sense of the word.  I changed.  Fully and completely.  If I were a boy, you can say that this woman changed me into a man.

Anyway, I need to rest.

I am having a difficult time with this breakup with Erin… I am sad, lonely, and depressed.  I am pouty, and isolate… I’m stricken with grief.  I have basically lost contact with all of my friends since being in this relationship.  Many people have told me that Erin was emotionally abusive…

At any rate, I am all alone, and I feel all alone.  I draw on the strength of Ashley when Ashley is not around.  I will think about her and remember what it was like to have a healthy, fun, enjoyable relationship…

Still, there is loneliness that my heart cannot dispel, and pain so deep that even a miner couldn’t reach!  Honestly though… my soul hurts, and all I want is to be cuddled up to Erin at this moment…

What’s funny though is Erin is not “there;” she never has been (beyond the 3-month mark) and she likely never will be… so there is technically nothing “there,” and I don’t know why I keep convincing myself.  Maybe because Erin keeps coming onto me… it makes me feel like there is hope.

What is “hope” though anymore, honestly?  I honestly cannot help but wonder… because so little seems to make sense or matter anymore… I keep finding myself in the same kind of unhealthy relationships.

I want to fully recover from this codependency and get myself in a good place financially and mind-body-spirit to where I can have a healthy relationship and be able to have a family.  I know that seems heavy, but it’s true.  I really want to have stability and security, a family, and fun.

I wish that Ash would get a hold of me.  She was a good friend to me.  She would always check-up on me every few months, particularly when I was dating Annie… Annie was the most abusive relationship I’d ever been in.  Ash was there.  She was far away, but she was always there.

She has disapeared on me now and leads a different lifestyle.  She has not contacted me in months, and the last time that I talked to her she said some really mean stuff… I don’t understand personalities… and why people change.  I don’t understand what goes on inside the mind to cause people to lash out sometimes…

I have always been truthful and honest with Ash, and yet it seems to make no difference to her.  Maybe she is still upset over what happened years ago… she always seemed to look at me differently since.  But I swear, I am a changed person, and I mean that with all due respect.  I mean that in the strictest sense, and that is a conviction of mine.

Still, it sadly holds no weight, and I sit here with out my best friend… and yes, in many ways Ashley felt like my best friend… even though we hadn’t been physically in the same location for a few years because I moved, and even though we weren’t together any longer… she was still a best friend to me, and someone I felt could see eye-to-eye.

I was always very protective over Ashley.  I loved Ashley… with all of my heart.  I loved Erin, too, but in a different way.  I think love has many facets… many degrees.  I also think that there are many levels of respect.  I respected Ashley… I trusted her.  Trust is huge, and I could trust her.

I could not trust Erin.  Sadly, I couldn’t.  I wanted to, but I couldn’t, because she (like Sarah) would continually lie to me.  I never understood this phenomenon.  Ashley and I had developed mutual respect… I was just too immature at that time to really appreciate what we had.  I was immature because I did not properly grieve Sarah, and I allowed myself to move into a relationship with Ash.

As I said, Ash and I had both just gotten out of relationships… and we started off friends, with no intention of getting together, and it just worked out that way… but worse came to worse, and I broke her heart because of this unresolved grief.  This wasn’t fair to her, and I feel terribly sorry.

I want to talk to Ashley again… to see her.  Last year I offered to fly her out to Colorado for a psychology conference… I thought she would really love it.  I had saved money, and I wanted to take her.  She told me I was “nuts.”  Ash has never reacted that way… and I will be honest, it really hurt, and surprised me that she acted this way.

I would do anything for my friends, especially friends whom I can trust and hold a special place in my heart.  I am generous and more than willing to treat somebody to something like that.  And I just wanted to see her as friends, and that’s the truth… I had no other intention.  I wanted to make her smile.

I guess we all get “hard” throughout the years when we’re hurt… we get jaded… but “not my Ash,” I always said.  Unfortunately it was my Ash.  I don’t really know my Ash anymore… she has removed herself from a relationship with me.  The last time I talked to her she was telling me about this guy, Adam, who was pretty much “identical” to me (she couldn’t get over it), and I added him on facebook because I wanted to show her that I support her and her decision, and she freaked out, de-friended me, and hasn’t talked to me since.

I’m sorry that she reacted this way.  I do not know why she reacted this way, but I was being completely honest in that I was trying to support her.  To be supportive of her and there for her… I wasn’t going to say anything to this man, and this is the truth.  I wanted to show her that I cared, and that I would be there to support any decision she made.

Anyway, the last two years I have experienced several significant losses… including the loss of my therapist, who I actually fired.  She totally was self-serviing and unlicensed and commited some major ethical boundary violations, but that’s another story… I will not go into details.

I have learned to just bite the bullet… to attempt to “move on” from these losses… the truth is, I never really moved on… Ashley, yes, in many ways I grieved the relationship we had, but the friendship I have not grieved, and I am still actively hurting from it.  I am hurting because there is no closure… and because her actions were really hurtful…

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