January 8th, 2011. Rob Thomas- Mockingbird.

I’m listening to this song…

And all of these years have gone by, and I’m thinking about Ashley… I am able to project into the future, and I feel sadness for the years that have been lost…  Ashley was one amongst the very few that understood me.  I miss her.  She cut me off on New Years Eve.  It shocked and surprised me because she had sent me a text message a few days earlier on Christmas wishing me a Merry Christmas, but I guess I texted her one too many times.  I was grieving because of things going on with Erin (I was alone) and because of the holidays (isolated, memories, wanting warmth), and I had texted her reminiscing, and she apparently didn’t want to hear it, but instead of communicating to me her feelings in an honest manner, she said “Stop texting me.”

I felt rejected, and I said something along the lines of “Fine, I won’t contact you again” and started balling.  You have to understand that Erin and I had just gotten into a huge fight and Erin was drunk and had taken a chunk out of my finger in an attempt to take Lucy away from me, and this individual from one of the support groups here that I was involved with that I was supposed to hang out with and possibly become friends with had stood me up, and I just wanted some support. Maybe I took what Ashley said personal, but I am angry (grief) that she has left me out of her life for the last couple years… she pops in every once in a while when she wants something, but then disappears again for long stretches.  It’s hard on me, and especially since I want to develop a rich relationship with her.  I am capable of giving our relationship the effort and honesty what it needs this time –that I was unable to before, but our cards aren’t right.

Anyway, this song was a song I originally heard while with Erin, so a part of it reminds me of Erin, but for whatever reason I seem to be focused on Ashley right now and our relationship –whatever that is and wherever that stands.  The song honestly also reminds me of Jen a little bit… just in the optimism, or hopeful part?  Rob Thomas is a very strong man who expresses his vulnerability honestly and openly, and it reminds me of Jen in that way.  Obviously I have not grieved any of these relationships completely or I would not be expressing this way.  At any rate, there is hope and optimism and some sort of strength with this individual and certain music brings up certain feelings about events in my life… past and present.  I guess grief comes in pangs… waves…

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