January 29th, 2011. An opportunity for me to grow?

About 3 weeks ago an online friend who I met through a mutual online friend in the Philadelphia area told me about this opportunity to go to Korea and teach english.  At first I thought it was a joke because the opportunity seemed too good to be true.  She said that she and her girlfriend went to Korea two years ago and have been there ever since… that they went, had their room and board paid for minus $100.00 or so in utilities and were paid $2000.00 a month to work 30 hours each week –and that no taxes were taken out!

I looked into this opportunity a little more by researching it via articles, as well as extensive youtube videos of people who have first-hand experience, and I came to the shocking realization that she was right –it is a great opportunity to travel, learn, grow, and save money!  I heard stories of people who saved between $500.00 and $1000.000 dollars a month and were able to put that towards student loans!

So her I am… I have been presented with this opportunity to teach English to school-age children in South Korea, and I don’t know what to do… I don’t know why the decision to leave behind this unhealthy situation is so difficult.  The reality is I have not been able to find work here, and my health insurance is about to run out, and once I do find work, I will leave this household and literally be all alone in the city living paycheck to paycheck.  It’s a pain here not to mention because I basically cannot drive because it’s stressful with all of th signs, getting lost, parking, etc.  It’s just a bunch to deal with.  I never had a problem parking where I was living before, in the small towns/cities, but this is a city –a metropolitan, and things are different here!

Anyway, would I not jump at the opportunity?  Why am I hesitant to just make a quick decision and go for it?  I already know that the rent will be cheaper there than here for when I live on my own, and I will be making $15.00 an hour and have full medical benefits.  The contracted job that I am looking at here does not include benefits at all.  I would be pulling in $500.00 a week in Korea with no taxes being taken out.  I can save a little money… I won’t have a car, either.  For starters it sounds like a good opportunity, so why am I hesitant?

It’s funny because I write in my journal –both my handwritten and online one, that I would like to be more “spontaneous/care-free” like I used to be, but that something holds me back –what on earth is it?  Is it fear?  Is it all of these negative life experiences that I have encountered?  How do I resolve that?  –Just by “doing” it?  Maybe this is the leap I need to get my life back together?  My logical mind wants to say, “What, moving to another country?!”  And that doesn’t seem logical, but why not?  I mean, why not try something new?  Of course there will be pro’s and con’s, and this is exactly where I get stuck… I think too much.  I think too long, and then before I know it, the opportunity has slipped by.

I just do not like to be “stuck.”  Natalia, the individual who told me about this opportunity said that you can’t just go from one job to the next very easily in the event that you should hate your job.  My problem is I do not like to be unhappy, and more importantly, I do not like to feel stuck, because I feel like I’m wasting my growth.  Growth is extremely important to me, and I cannot rationalize it and say, “Well, it’s only ‘1 year.'”  One year is a long time!  But then again, look what I am doing now… by living with Erin and being in these kinds of situations… I am wasting my growth here, too!  Here I don’t do anything but not live my life and come home fearing her father’s disrespect, selfish, one-sidedness.

I mean, reality check… my energy is absolutely wasted here because I am worrying almost daily what Erin is doing because she is continually dishonest.  Do I really want to deal with that in life?  It’s unfortunate because I honestly wonder whether or not I will ever be able to trust anymore after all of these destructive relationships I’ve had.  I am glad that I finally have “standards” now, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve spent many years hurting… being in one-sided unfulfiling, highly unhealthy, toxic relationships.  So I guess living here I am most definitely wasting my potential because I am unable to get things accomplished.  I am exhausted after only a couple hours of fighting with her… it literally physically drains me… all the mental.

The denial I experience in this situation is back and forth.  Some days I will wake up, and I will think, “Oh, this isn’t as bad as I think…” I say to myself, “I can handle this –no problem!”  The truth is, I can’t.  The truth is I shouldn’t have to… I shouldn’t have to continually be wondering whether or not someone is being honest with me, only to have them defend and justify their hurtful behavior by saying, “I’m entitled to my ‘privacy’.”  That’s such a cop out, and quite frankly, I am sick and tired of hearing it.

Erin rages and rants all the time… I cannot even relax at night until she goes to bed because my mind is left wondering, “Is she cheating on me?”  I wonder this incessantly because of the two times that she completely went behind my back before WITH someone and then the two times she signed up for gay and lesbian meetups… the various crushes that she had on people — first Kelly a classmate, then Tabby a coworker, then Teresa a coworker… and her looking at porn and being on extremely “friendly” terms and beyond obsessed with this EVONY game online… she has flat-out lied to me about stuff involving other people.  She is obsessed with attention.  My counselor said she sounds like a sex addict.  I said that I think she’s a sex and love addict.

At any rate, it’s very hard for me to relax around her and not think, “Hmm, is she looking for someone else to fuck,” or “If she fucking someone?”  Literally 1 week ago she texted me and said something along the lines of how she is thinking about playing the (quote) “bitch card” and dating and fucking people just to be a bitch and get me off her back.  Only a self-righteous narcissist would say that.  She always has to have things her way, yet she will swear that she “compromises” for everyone and doesn’t have her own wishes… yet along with this “poor me” attitude comes a strong sense of entitlement.  She literally will be completely one-sided and say, “I can do whatever the hell I want, when I want, with whom I please.”  This one-sided, wall-like, defensive attitude is in all her affairs.

At any rate, I cannot even go to sleep until she is upstairs, and now she is proposing that she bring her laptop up after bedtime hours and keep it on for a couple hours until she falls asleep… I understand that is her choice, but you also have to understand that I cannot and have not been able to trust her because she literally continually breaks my trust and is dishonest, so I am triggered by things that not only have happened in the past, but that keep happening, and I can’t sleep knowing she may be further hurting me!  We are not even “together” anymore, but that’s besides the point when neither of us have healed because we have not had the physical space.

I am debating taking this opportunity and going to South Korea.

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