January 12th, 2011. Pending diagnosis. LYME disease.


My blood work came back and my ANA Titer is still off and indicating a speckled pattern, indicating that I have inflammation in my body.  The good news is I don’t have an “auto-immune” disorder.  The doctor’s are still trying to figure out what’s going on, but believe that I likely have fibromyalgia like my mother (technically aunt).  Supposedly there’s a genetic gene although it’s not entirely genetic, and some believe it’s stress-related.  Fibromyalgia is often co-morbid with PTSD suffers.

At any rate, I am ordering the IGENIX Lyme test to get tested for LYME again (Igenix is the best lab in the USA).  After I get tested for LYME, I need to get a LYME “Co-infection” test and then I will know whether or not I have Chronic (Stage 3) Lyme Disease or Fibromyalgia.  Both of these tests total about $800-1000.00 and insurance does not cover them.  This will be the final step before a diagnosis of “fibromyalgia” is given to me.

I was listening to Pandora and came across this song, which I would like to dedicate to all other individual’s suffering from chronic illness (MS, LYME, Fibromyalgia, Cancer, etc) and/or mystery diagnosis… You’re not alone… Please hang in there!

January 8th, 2011. Rob Thomas- Mockingbird.


I’m listening to this song…

And all of these years have gone by, and I’m thinking about Ashley… I am able to project into the future, and I feel sadness for the years that have been lost…  Ashley was one amongst the very few that understood me.  I miss her.  She cut me off on New Years Eve.  It shocked and surprised me because she had sent me a text message a few days earlier on Christmas wishing me a Merry Christmas, but I guess I texted her one too many times.  I was grieving because of things going on with Erin (I was alone) and because of the holidays (isolated, memories, wanting warmth), and I had texted her reminiscing, and she apparently didn’t want to hear it, but instead of communicating to me her feelings in an honest manner, she said “Stop texting me.”

I felt rejected, and I said something along the lines of “Fine, I won’t contact you again” and started balling.  You have to understand that Erin and I had just gotten into a huge fight and Erin was drunk and had taken a chunk out of my finger in an attempt to take Lucy away from me, and this individual from one of the support groups here that I was involved with that I was supposed to hang out with and possibly become friends with had stood me up, and I just wanted some support. Maybe I took what Ashley said personal, but I am angry (grief) that she has left me out of her life for the last couple years… she pops in every once in a while when she wants something, but then disappears again for long stretches.  It’s hard on me, and especially since I want to develop a rich relationship with her.  I am capable of giving our relationship the effort and honesty what it needs this time –that I was unable to before, but our cards aren’t right.

Anyway, this song was a song I originally heard while with Erin, so a part of it reminds me of Erin, but for whatever reason I seem to be focused on Ashley right now and our relationship –whatever that is and wherever that stands.  The song honestly also reminds me of Jen a little bit… just in the optimism, or hopeful part?  Rob Thomas is a very strong man who expresses his vulnerability honestly and openly, and it reminds me of Jen in that way.  Obviously I have not grieved any of these relationships completely or I would not be expressing this way.  At any rate, there is hope and optimism and some sort of strength with this individual and certain music brings up certain feelings about events in my life… past and present.  I guess grief comes in pangs… waves…

January 8th, 2011. Reflections on last blog video.


I think when things are too stressful we look outside ourselves for fulfillment.  For me, I tend to not engage in the act of cheating, but I will fantasize about greener pastures.  In other words, when I am unhappy I escape into my imagination, and I am not referring to sexual fantasies or anything explicit, but just simply being in another place –a happier place.  For instance, the previous entry with the video on Christmas was a lonely and excruciating event/place emotionally for me.

I was with Erin and we were fighting and as always I was met with harshness, coldness, and indifference, and it was Christmas — the whole situation just seemed unreal.  It seemed unreal yet it didn’t because I thought to myself, “I’ve endured this now for, what, years? It should not come as a surprise.”  But of course there’s always that idealistic thinking, “Things could, or will be, ‘different’ this year.”  It’s magical, illusionary thinking.  It was Christmas, and we didn’t even have a tree… the spirit was devoid.  It was non-existent.  At any rate, the “Another lonely Christmas” song by Prince came on and temporarily made everything “better” because it took me to a place where I was happier… it reminded me of Ashley, and then my old friends… and life…

Of course those times have passed, but I cannot help but think and retain the hope (ideal, belief) that one day things can be just as good, if not better, than they were before.  If it takes until the day I die, until my very last breath, I will retain the idea that things can be better, and I will continually strive and work towards that.  I am not about to give up on my “dream” of having a better life.  I just won’t.  I will take the risks, and I will fall from time-to-time, but I will always pick myself back up with the help of God (HP), and I will survive.  I see myself and the human race as resilient.  I believe we are capable of healing and stretching ourselves, mentally, physically, spiritually.  I believe that humans are made to shine and to help and empower one another.  That we are meant to be one “big family.”

I don’t like to see people left out, and yet strangely enough, I myself am left out… it’s funny that what I want I don’t have, yet it is that very sense of lack (missing piece) that keeps me striving.  I am determined to move forward with great strides and am tenacious.  I love deeply and am a strong person, and I will retain that belief of myself no matter how many times I’m knocked down.  I know that God (HP) is testing me and my faith.  I will try my best to open up my ears and my heart, and more importantly, my eyes, and seize an opportunity to accept a blessing should it present itself.  I know that I will be okay with the help of my HP on my side.

I just wanted to document my awareness of my tendency to fantasize to relieve stress/pressure.  I also wanted to say that I notice my idealistic tendencies now more than ever in this past entry.  Additionally, I am retaining the hopeful view that there is work out there for us idealists and a place for us.  After all, President Barrack Obama is an idealist!

January 8th, 2011. Christmas’s “theme” song.


I discovered a new song this past Christmas that I heard for the first time on the radio… it’s not very uplifting, but it reflects exactly how I felt on Christmas.  I remember being at the bank with Erin and we were fighting and so much was happening, and I just remember hearing this song and wanting to cry and/but absolutely loving it… Hearing it, sadly, started reminding me of Ashley (someone I deeply loved and cared for and respected –a good friend of mine) and my other friends back home… rather, my old friends… my “old life.”

Anyway, I was just reminded of it when I was going through my old phone and had a note to download it.  At any rate, I’m not sure what it reminded me of since my old friends are just that — maybe nostalgia?

Last night, I spent another lonely Christmas

Darlin’, darlin’, you should’ve been there

‘Cuz, all the ones I dream about

You are the one that makes my love shout

You see, you are the only one I care for

Remember the time we swam naked

In your father’s pool?

Boy, he was upset that night

But boy, was that ever cool

Remember that night we played pokeno for money

And you robbed me blind?

Remember how you used to scream so loud

‘Cuz, you, you hated that number 9?

Hey, I saw your sister skatin’ on the lake

This afternoon

Good heaven, how she’s grown

She swoons the boy skaters, she’s so tall

But of all your father’s children

All your father’s children, baby

You know, you are the finest of them all

You are brighter than the northern star

And I, last night, I spent another lonely Christmas

Darlin’, darlin’, you, you should’ve been there

You see, of all the ones I dream about

You are the one that makes my love shout

You see, you are the only one I care for, yeah

My mummy used to say, always trust your lover

But now, I guess that only applies to her

‘Cuz, baby, you promised me

Baby, you promised me, you’d never leave

Then you died on the 25th day of December, oh, baby

Last night, oh, I spent another lonely, lonely Christmas

Darlin’, baby, you, you should’ve been there, oh, oh

‘Cuz all the ones I dream about

You are the one that makes my love shout

You see, you are the only one I care for, yeah

Your father said it was pneumonia

Your mother said it was stress

But the doctor said you were dead

And I, I say it’s senseless

Every Christmas night for 7 years now

I drink banana daiquiris till I’m blind

As long as I can hear you smilin’, baby

You won’t hear my tears

Another lonely Christmas is mine

Yeah, mine, yeah

Another lonely Christmas is mine…

 

Last night, I spent another lonely Christmas
Darlin', darlin', you should've been there
'Cuz, all the ones I dream about
You are the one that makes my love shout
You see, you are the only one I care for

Remember the time we swam naked
In your father's pool?
Boy, he was upset that night
But boy, was that ever cool

Remember that night we played pokeno for money
And you robbed me blind?
Remember how you used to scream so loud
'Cuz, you, you hated that number 9?

Hey, I saw your sister skatin' on the lake
This afternoon
Good heaven, how she's grown
She swoons the boy skaters, she's so tall

But of all your father's children
All your father's children, baby
You know, you are the finest of them all
You are brighter than the northern star

And I, last night, I spent another lonely Christmas
Darlin', darlin', you, you should've been there
You see, of all the ones I dream about
You are the one that makes my love shout
You see, you are the only one I care for, yeah

My mummy used to say, always trust your lover
But now, I guess that only applies to her
'Cuz, baby, you promised me
Baby, you promised me, you'd never leave
Then you died on the 25th day of December, oh, baby

Last night, oh, I spent another lonely, lonely Christmas
Darlin', baby, you, you should've been there, oh, oh
'Cuz all the ones I dream about
You are the one that makes my love shout
You see, you are the only one I care for, yeah

Your father said it was pneumonia
Your mother said it was stress
But the doctor said you were dead
And I, I say it's senseless

Every Christmas night for 7 years now
I drink banana daiquiris till I'm blind
As long as I can hear you smilin', baby

You won't hear my tears
Another lonely Christmas is mine
Yeah, mine, yeah
Another lonely Christmas is mine

Last night, yeah, I spent another lonely, lonely Christmas
Darlin', darlin', you should've been there, yeah
'Cuz all the ones I dream about
You are the one that makes my love shout
You see, you are the only one one care for

January 2nd, 2011. Need for guidance/humble.


So as everyone may or may not already know, my New Year’s Resolution this year is to develop a healthy relationship with myself so that I can have healthy relationships with others.  I want to learn about myself and how to be intimate with myself.  I believe, this in exchange, will allow me to be intimate with others and have vulnerable honest exchanges with others.  I cannot throw myself into relationships anymore without [before first] building (establishing) a relationship with myself.  I need to really get to know myself, and I don’t just mean on an intellectual level, but emotionally and spiritually.

I need to be able to sit with myself and be comfortable in my own skin.  Most of my relationships have been formed prematurely.  Intimacy –true intimacy was never established.  We were both young and new little about ourselves.

I have a lot of grieving to do.  I have basically lived through others (sacrificed my own wants/needs) to make others happy, and so much of my happiness has been based off others reaction’s.  I need to begin getting to know myself and learning to sit with myself.

The challenge I think will be not getting sidetracked by Erin, or another relationship.  I really need to stay honest with myself lest I fall back into the obsessive relating –ie, “other” -focused pattern.  I need to just trust myself and focus on myself and my spirituality.  It’s really hard though when I fear abandonment, and being around Erin triggers me.  I am triggered by her issues of NON-respect, honesty, dependability, communication, and commitment, but I need to remember that I chose her –subconsciously or not, and I cannot undue the past, only learn from it.

What Erin does is her choice.  I cannot control what she does, and if I am hurt by her, I should have the ability to leave.  Unfortunately I don’t because I’m in a situation of financial dependence, however I am doing my best to pull myself out of it.  The only concern I have now is health issues, and I’m concerned that it might complicate matters.

I am trying to trust and surrender to a higher power, but am finding it difficult.  I’m not sure why I’m so outcome (control) focused.  I want to just “surrender” and let things happen, naturally.  I am not sure what will have to happen to help me surrender, but something… and hopefully not a life-threatening illness.  All I know is that I haven’t been able to find work, and I have been desperately worried about my situation, both with myself and with my relationships.

I want to live a purposeful life with integrity and clarity and stop functioning from old ways relating and living; it’s not healthy.  I want to breathe life again and not be fearful and run and hide.  I have been in the dark for far too long, and I’m ready to be guided.  Where is a spiritual power when you need it?  I had begun developing faith literally 3 months ago, and it just sort of descended because I slipped back into my old pattern of relating… I want it back.  I was starting to re-establish trust in myself and others, and I lost it.  I have become more fearful and less trusting.

I think I am going to read up on card 12 “The Hanged Man” –read some mythology on it and such and see if I can figure out how to open myself up to be coached/taught (humbled).  I might also listen to some AA speaker tapes, as I believe it’s steps 3, 6, and 11 in 12-step recovery that are about allowing oneself to be instructed.