February 1st, 2011. Dr’s visit/Erin/Show tonight.

I went to the dr. today to get my blood drawn and they drew everything but the Lyme test.  The facility refused to use the Lyme kit I obtained from Igenix, a state-of-the-art Lyme facility, in Palo Alto, CA, stating that they do not typically send blood “elsewhere.”  I now have to try and go to another facility to get it tested and sent off.  Mind you, I am paying for this test privately because insurance does not cover it.  The test is very specific and has to be performed on a Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday due to its contents needed arrival time at the facility.

On my walk back home, I recorded my thoughts…

“I’m so tired of life and this situation and it just seems so unreal.”
“There isn’t much left for me –Erin is moving on, and I just seem to be falling behind…”
“I came here with the intent to find work prospects, and it’s just ended in disaster.”
“I don’t feel much of anything, and things just seem unreal…”
“People are out working hard, and I just feel like I’m falling by the wayside.”
“Colors are bright; noises are bright.”
“At times it feels like it’s all a dream, and I’m going to wake up, and reality is going to hit me…”
“I know that it’s real, but it seems baffling, and I wonder how the hell did I get myself in this situation.”
“There is little left and colors just seem to fade.”
“I am going out tonight, and I am not even excited.  Life seems to have lost its shine.”
“I am ready to feel something, not nothing.”
“The world looks so decadent.”
“I see people that live passionately, and I envy that, and I want it; it’s good to see it, but it just reminds me of where I am now, and how I don’t have it.”
“I can’t possibly know what’s best for me when I’ve fallen this low.”
“I’m tired of feeling this way –so down and out… life is meant to be enjoyed, not despised.”
“I’m tired of hiding in the shadows; I want to say I’m “finished” with my past, but the reality is, it will keep coming up, and I just have to work through it.”
“The only way out is “through,” and I will just keep on plugging.”
“Why do we try so hard to make our lives perfect; I know for myself I learned “perfectionism” very early on… the fact is, life is not perfect.  Perfection only leads to failure.”
“I’m tired of living some mediocre life.”
“I would like to re-capture my essence and be resurrected.”

I think it is apparent that I am depressed.  Like, right now for instance, I am exhausted, and I just want to sleep… but I know that if I sleep I might be groggy for the rest of the evening.  I am supposed to be going out tonight to a Soul Harvest –an open mic/poetry event.  I’m going with a “Sister’s” meetup group here in Philadelphia that promotes sisterhood.  We’re all going out to eat beforehand.  I am exhausted though and just want to sleep… I am excited to go, but tired and depressed.  Erin has been gone all day at a training so that she can become “serve safe;” it is required by her employer.  By the time she gets home I will be leaving to go to the event and will not return until late.

I am depressed and annoyed that Erin has more fun with other people than me, yet she has not even tried to have fun with me.  I am still so angry at the relationship… at the fact that she pursued me until she “got” me and once she had me she became a self-absorbed prick –porn-ridden and fantasy-obsessed.  Do you know how much of a slap in the face this was?  Imagine it still being because the heart has not mended.  It’s just like grief, only it’s prolonged, and it’s making me sick… I want to get away, yet I don’t, because I want to “fix” things.  I hate that my “fixing” instincts are coming into play… I don’t want them to.  I just want to walk away from her.  My instincts apparently are stronger than my own self-control.

I know that I cannot make this relationship okay, and the simple truth is, is that it’s not okay and it may never be.  Why do I spend my life trying to “fix” things?  One cannot fix what’s broken… it would seem that only time, growth, and healing can do that.  I do not see myself healing anytime soon because I am, for whatever reason, too afraid to leave this situation behind.  Why is it so difficult to walk away?  I am going to end up having to be forced to walk away because I cannot pull myself to do it because of the perceived failure.  I was in this situation once before when I went back to Vermont for two months back in August, and I am in it again, only this time it’s due to my own free-will, or unresolved grief, whereas before it was because Erin was trying to retain some power-trip.

Anyway, she has time for everything but me and has little desire to spend time with me… such a 180 compared to when we first started dating up until I said, “Yes” to her marriage proposal.  And yes, that was very premature on my part, and no, I did not end up marrying her –thank God!  She is a sucker and would have bled me dry.  At any rate, I cannot “keep” her as far as I can throw her.  It is hard enough being in this situation and being unable to let go when I am constantly reminded of things that have happened and been unresolved.  Things keep happening with Erin, and I am triggered all over again.

It is so sad to know that nothing I do can change anything… no single action, no series of multiple actions… I also need to remind myself that I did not do anything wrong except maybe “enable” by staying too long.  I should have left the moment I saw the first red flag.  I didn’t however, and now I am finding myself with someone very lousy, unable to even be a decent person (honesty, respect, communication, accountability, and dependability) and I am too stupid to walk away and would rather hold out on the empty “promises.”  ie, “Emily, I will follow-through; I won’t yell and rant, etc.”  It’s all a joke, and yet I still hope for it and hold onto it because it’s the only way to make living here together remotely “manageable.”

I feel like a fucking object because I was pursued and then just dropped like a hat.  Erin has some major problems, and I’m not sure what that says about me other than I must have some serious self-esteem issues and “need to be needed” for me to continue putting up with this behavior.  Honestly, what does that say about me?  I should just start telling myself and actually trying to believe it that Erin does not deserve me, because the fact is, she doesn’t.  She is a coward (literally) and manipulative.  Me needing/wanting to feel special should not be enough of a silly “reason” to stay… I think once I start treating myself with respect, ie: walking away from unhealthy people and making better, wiser choices for myself, I will start attracting respect.

What this says to me is “door!”  I need to somehow head for the door and stop deluding myself into believing that she will “come around.”  I am not wanting some magical cure… I am not idealizing her.  I am not trying to “change” her, either.  I am not telling her that she can’t do things.  I am simply wanting, demanding honesty, respect, communication, accountability, and commitment (to self) and she refuses to be able to deliver.  If I wasn’t living here then I would say the “hell” with her, and I would have cut her off by now, but while living here, I am trying to make the most out of the situation.

Nevertheless, all of this self-denial will exhaust a person, and I am beyond that point.  I am going to lay down now and close my eyes I think… I just want the hours to pass… I just hope that I am still in the mood to go tonight… I really have no interest in anything except for sleep.  I enjoy dreaming.

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