February 10th, 2011. Passed out at the doctor’s.

I just arrived home from the health clinic.  I passed out.  I was getting my blood drawn, and all of a sudden things got blurry and gray/black like you would see on a tv screen.  I literally was seeing gray/black dots everywhere and things just got darker by the second and then all of a sudden I saw black and then I was gone.  Backing up a little… The phlebotomist had already drawn 3 large viles and was on the last one –a smaller one, when I finally passed out.

Halfway through the 3rd vile the phlebotomist said, “I don’t know why it’s taking so long;” I was  beginning to wonder the same thing.  I was actually thinking it before she even said anything, thinking, “Why is this taking so long –the other one didn’t.”  I was referring to the appointment last week, where I had my blood drawn only to find out a week later –yesterday, that they threw my blood out because there was a miscommunication!  At any rate, I asked her if she was using the same needle as the last time because it didn’t seem to be that bad last time and she said, “I think this one may be a little smaller.” She made a comment earlier about how the room we were in this time was not her “favorite” room but that the other room was flooded and had experienced water damage.

I was beginning to feel a little dizzy, and so I asked her if she could switch needles to a larger one.  She said “We’re almost finished.” Apparently not quick enough, because I passed out!  I had never passed out before, but I came close at the Emergency Room a few months ago… I had gone to the ER because I had migraines literally for a week straight 24/7 and while I was there they agreed to draw some blood that I needed ordered by some other doctors.  The individual who drew my blood was very slow and did things backwards.  For instance, he had the tourniquet on my arm for a good 5-7 minutes before even drawing the blood.

Additionally, he didn’t pull out the viles beforehand and had to go digging and then searching for them while the tourniquet was still on my arm — my arm tingling, as he stated he could not “find” on of the viles!  It was really bad… not to mention, there were 6 or 7 viles to be drawn.  I started to get super dizzy but never got to the point of seeing gray/black and then finally black like I did this time.

The phlebotomist today said that I stopped breathing.  The young middle-aged woman actually called in 4 doctors, and the next thing I knew, they were all starring at me when I was coming “back” to reality, which took a good I would imagine 10 minutes?  The other phlebotomist put wet paper-towel behind my neck.  I tried eating at this point, a breakfast bar that I had in my bag, which the phlebotomist had to get out because I was too weak to even move.  I took a bite of the breakfast bar and couldn’t even hold it down.  I started gagging and stated that I am going to get sick.  The phlebotomist quickly brought over a “Biohazard” container and I vomited…  I was starting, slowly, to be able to “see” again, and I remember noticing the vast amount of sweat on my body… I was soaked from head to toe, especially my face.  And my face was cold… very cold.  I was also shaking badly.  The phlebotomists and doctors said I was really pale.

They had asked me to stay in the waiting room for a good 20 minutes before leaving.  I did.  I was still cold and shaky while sitting in the waiting room.  I texted Erin to tell her what had happened, and she did not respond back to me right away.  I actually ended up calling her after 10 minutes after I had left.  I was angry that she had not responded to me because I was still upset about earlier — the fact that she did not text me when she got to work and told me that she would.  She is working with this other young manager who she seems to not be able to give me a straight answer about whether or not she finds her attractive or not.  Well anyway, she always (on her own terms) texts me when she gets to work and for whatever reason she did not text me today and today was her first day of really working with this young woman alone.  I made some comment like, “Were you flustered?” I am annoyed right now because I feel blown off.

I had tried talking to her via text afterwards for a few minutes and she kept writing me off.  Both Erin and Devin are both managers, now at each other’s stores, and Erin is able to text and play games, read, etc. at work and was just blowing me off.  She tried telling me that Devin was trying to “train” her at the new store.  At any rate, I am bothered by the fact that Erin is now working with, or training w/someone new because I do not trust her.

I understand that Erin and I are not “together” anymore, but boundaries are still –continually being blurred.  Erin has tried to “kiss”  me 3 times in the past week and a half.  I say “kiss” because she is more or less trying to tease, which she will say as a defense or “justification” for her trying to kiss me.  She will say she was just “teasing,” etc.  It’s a joke.  She basically wants to see what my reaction will be… she’s gauging me.  What’s funny (sarcasm) is that if I actually don’t kiss her then she will want to kiss me more and try harder, yet if I do lean in to reciprocate then she will just say she’s “teasing” and pull away.

I asked her why she teases me and she said, “Because it’s fun” and “Because it’s funny.” I do not find it funny, and I told her this, yet she continues.  And then I try and kiss her… –because she has gotten close to me, and because I miss her.  When we’re close, I want to be closer.  Erin is the opposite… if we’re close, she will want space, but if we’re close intimately, ie: kiss then she will want to be close.  It basically seems as though she does not want to be close emotionally yet is okay being close sexually.  I do not understand it, and when I ask her why she does this, she says, “It’s hard, Emily –I am still attracted to you.” I always feel inclined to ask her for clarification so I will say and she will basically say that she knows we’re not “right” for each other, etc. but that she’s still “attracted” to me and that it’s “hard when we’re ‘close'” (quote).

I honestly do not understand her, and I do not know where she stands.  It seems that she tries to follow her head yet she lets her impulses get the best of her.  Her “emotions” seem out of the equation.  When I ask her if they’re involved because I want reassurance and do not want to feel alone, ie: the only one who cares and still cares she will say that the emotions are “not what I want right now,” or are “not what I am focused on right now.” Her actions and words do not match.  If she tries to kiss me, and I consider it, etc. I will first say to her, “Are your emotions involved?” because I do not want to kiss someone if it’s just lust/sexual, and she will say, “Of course they are –they are always involved.”

Quite frankly, I do not think they are.  She has told me plenty of times how she’s messed around with people and it was just that… sexual/lust/pleasure.  She and I just had a conversation this morning, too, about attraction… she said she can look at people and be attracted to them sexually, ie: in a lustful sense, without being involved with them or just attracted to them as a person.  I told her that I am not like this… I said, “I cannot be attracted to someone sexually, ie: desiring them sexually unless I at least know them.” But that’s just me…  At any rate, we have different ideas about things, and I never know where I stand with her.

I keep hearing in my head, over and over, because Erin has said it so many times, “I am not interested in being in a ‘relationship’ with you; I am not interested in being in a relationship with ‘anyone'” yet as I mentioned before, she will try and kiss me!  I will ask her why and she’ll sometimes chuckle or laugh and basically say “It’s hard soemtimes because we’re so ‘close’ together…” ie, physically, or “I am still attracted to you, you know, and when we’re close…” Again, she’s referring to being close physically.  She’s basically saying that when we’re close physically, ie: living together it makes things so much more difficult.  I do not dispute this; however, I will say that there is a fine line between lust/desire and emotional attraction, and as we established today, it seems that Erin and I have two completely different ideas in terms of attraction and desirability.

It would seem as though Erin would honestly consider doing something with someone if they were hot and it just being that… whereas, I personally cannot do something sexual with someone unless there is an emotional attraction or connection.  I do not want to just be doing stuff with people that are hot.  I will not “do” stuff with anyone unless I am emotionally involved with them.

So yeah… that was my day today.  Erin is still at work –until 7PM, training with lovely Devin, and I am in my bedroom, cold, and I am exhausted.  I seem to be exhausted every day.  I am still shocked that I passed out today at the health clinic.  I am looking around my bedroom realizing there is more that I want to “box” up and get done, etc. but am exhausted physically… yet I know that I got enough sleep.  I am tired, frustrated, and grumpy.  I know that I am going to have to start working soon, and I barely even have the energy to apply at some of these jobs; let alone, do the training.  I am tired of being sick and tired of the stress.

Before I had my blood drawn my doctor wrote me off.  She made some undercutting remark about if any of my symptoms have created mental stress.  I became defensive quickly because she would not be the first doctor who has written me off.  I told her that I do not have any mental disorder (this is not what she was implying) and she casually brought up something along the lines of, “maybe it’s creating anxiety.” I was thinking, “You think?!  Anyone with these symptoms would have anxiety!  You try experiencing it for 2.5 years and being written of doctor after doctor!”  Unfortunately many patients with lyme disease and other chronic conditions, ie: fibromyalgia, etc. are written off by 9/10 doctors they see.

I told her that I felt like she was just writing me off and she said that she wasn’t.  I disagree, and I hold firm to that belief.  I can tell when someone is writing me off.  She made a suggestion, asking me if I wanted to see the “Infectious disease” doctor here in regards to possible lyme disease and I said “No, I have been advised not to go see any other doctor except an LLMD –Lyme literate specialist in terms of lyme,” and there are very specific reasons for this.

At any rate, I have not had much health/symptom-relief during doctor visit’s.  I have had very little support in terms of my condition.  Erin is the only person who has been there and witnessed it for 2.5 years.  Even Erin wrote me off one time during one of her “splitting” episodes and she said, “I wouldn’t be suprised if you’ve been making it all up.” I looked at her shocked and with disbelief, and I said, “Are you kidding?” I became defensive (understandable), and I said, “Right, that’s only why all of my paperwork from my blood says it right on there that something is off!” Erin knew damn well that I was not “making” anything up; she had been there with me for 2.5 years and witnessed each incident –the multiple abscesses in my mouth, the night sweats, the near-fainting, etc.  She has seen it.  She was just splitting (psychological defense mechanism seen in mentally ill people) and was being invalidating and punishing to maintain her illusionary ego control.  She always has to have control.

At any rate, I went from that, having Erin witness everything for 2.5 years to having doctors write me off to having her deny it in front of my face.  When someone splits you do not even recognize them.  Anyway, I cannot tell you how it made me feel.  She is like two people sometimes… sometimes three.

I am cold and not wanting to be in my bedroom.  I actually want the bedroom picked up and it’s a never-ending process of where it’s not “enough.”  I am downsizing and doing the whole “minimalist” thing, but my energy has been so drained that it’s been difficult for me to finish anything to completion.  I have all of this “stuff” and it’s draining me, yet I’m too damn tired to move it.  More than anything honestly, I am freezing… the heater in my bedroom does not work and has not worked for years.  It’s Rick’s house and he refuses to fix it.  I may have to take out money out of my own pocket to supply heat for my bedroom.  I just want to get my stuff put away.

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