February 10th, 2011. Some people, baffle me.

As I listen to Erin address customers, she states in this high-pitched fake, glimmer voice, “Sir” –“Sir” this and “Sir” that.  What does “sir” mean if she doesn’t even mean it?  Additionally, “customer service” first she states–what does that mean if she can’t even be honest in her relations with others?  How she was promoted to manager I have no idea because she displays zero leadership skills or integrity, both personally and professionally –continually lying, cheating, stealing, etc.  She is notorious for having affairs with married people strictly business-related!  She gets crushes on every new employee there is, especially if they are young and influential.

I get so angry when she blows me off and insists on her way when it’s entirely biased or one-sided.  I hate it.  I hate how rude and inconsiderate she can be.  She is defensive and secretive.  She lies and then tells people she deserves to have “privacy” –Okay, so if having affairs is her “own business” I don’t know what else to say.  It is frustrating expressing to her my feelings during moments of clarity only to have her shit all over them later and “talk is cheap” –she does the opposite of what she says.  Do you know how draining this is?

People will say to me, “Emily, why do you keep trying?” and it’s like, because we are living together, and as long as we are living together, I want respect!  And just to clarify, my idea of “respect” is not “control” or control-based like everyone that lives here.  Respect = reciprocity, honesty, not cussing at one another, not throwing things, yelling raging… it’s about sharing, etc.  As long as I am living here I will fight for that because it is the only thing that makes sense.  It makes absolutely no sense to me to be disrespectful, controlling, intimidating, angry, hostile, etc.

See, when I first moved into this household I remember journaling in my handwritten journal about how you’re either “in” the game or you’re “out.”  I was out… I did not belong or fit into the dysfunctional family system here… yet I got sucked in.  Everyone has to fit a role.  Sal, Erin’s brother left, and in a way, I automatically took his “place.”  I hate it.  I just want to be a part from them all… I do not want anything to do with the family if I am not going to be treated like a human being.

Erin always finds ways to weezle her way around things… to talk her way in and out of things, etc.  I am so tired of her stupid rationalizing and justifying and just plain-old selfishness.  She is selfish, manipulative, and defiant.  She’s closed down and defensive.  From the moment I met her it was “”X” fucked me over” and “Y” screwed me over.”  Now I just want to say, “Erin, you screwed yourself over and yet you blame others.” She basically acts out selfishly and cold and then feels guilty and instead of facing that guilt and moreover living up to the consequences she finds a way to rationalize and blame others –it’s pretty low.

I want to start reading about “character” again and to start growing up again.  I was doing so well the last few years before I moved here and now everything is screwed up, and I have been brought down to their level.  I want myself back.  I want to get my room arranged, etc. and feel comfortable in my room –this would include buying a heater since the heater does not work and being able to just really use the room as a retreat and warm spot.  I want to just go to work and come home at ease and not have my peace constantly disturbed… with Erin she’s unstable… there isn’t any counting on her.

I still and cannot, and likely will not, be able to wrap my head around this kind of living and this lifestyle.  It baffles me.  I have reached out a little bit and have joined some meetup groups –one which seems really good.  I was given two phone #’s by two 32, 33 next week year-old black women who are beautiful, smart, and young-spirited and have their master degrees!  We plan to hang out soon.  I think they’ll be a positive, healthy influence for me.  I am supposed to hang out with one of them next week and we’re going to go see a movie.

I am going to work on a valentine card now.

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