February 22nd, 2011. Apathy. “The hero that I couldn’t be.” -DS.

I am sick and tired of not feeling anything but dread every single day.  Life does not even seem worth living and is dull, ugly and boring.  I just wrote in my other journal today how I need a “hand” to help pull me out, quote, “Something to pull me out of this.”  I can swear I’ve said this before in earlier years.  I am obviously depressed.  I texted Ashley this morning, and told her that I need some help getting out of a difficult situation and that I basically could use a friend and she did not respond.  With that being said and the previous correspondences with her, I am finished.  I have solidly (and painfully on some level) realized that I cannot rely on Ashley.  Ashley is no longer interested in maintaining any sort of relationship with me.  How do I know this?  Quite simply, her actions.  It is true, and even she herself said this many years ago, “Actions speak louder than words.”  I attest to that.

Speaking of “actions” and just some quick venting… This is the 3rd time that Erin has worked with Devin and forgotten to text message me.  She usually text messages me that she made it to work safely, and I have not heard from her.  She has been at 30th Street Station training with Devin for the past 2 weeks now because they are switching stores.  At any rate, Erin has blatantly forgot to text me and she’s usually excellent about it.  In fact, she is staunch when it comes to texting me to let me know that she made it to work safely.  Granted, sometimes she’s a few minutes late, but she always texts  me.  Today and yesterday she blatantly “forgot.”

She has also been showering and washing a lot the night before and occasional morning of work.  She did this when she was working with Theresa who I believe she had a crush on.  Yesterday she asked me to accompany her in the bathroom while she takes a shower, and she spoke of and went as far as showing me her armpits, etc. and how she’s all “clean” now.  Apparently she had not shaved in months… at any rate, this has been an ongoing thing with her getting all pepped up when working with Devin just as she did with Theresa and even Tabby.

I am so tired of women… I was going through my old journals the other day, and it’s quite unbelievable the behaviors that I have put up with.  I honestly wonder what that says about me; the simple fact that I have chosen to stay.  I mean, reading these past journals blows my mind… there are so many similarities and patterns; you would think that by now I would have learned my lesson… apparently not.  The truth is, I think my self-esteem is really low being where I’m at, and I am just having some difficulty getting back on my feet.  My coach said I need an “airlift” (metaphor) out of this place, ie: living with Erin, which I couldn’t agree with more; however, I don’t have one…

Ohh, I forgot to mention… last night I had asked Erin to go to my facebook page because I wanted to see if her new computer’s contrast is different from mine, and when she went to my page she said she had to sign in (she didn’t have to, but that’s another story) and when she signed in, two friend-requests popped up, and guess who they were?  Katey, our old ex girlfriend who lives here in town who Erin just brought up a few months ago, saying how she saw her car parked across the street from where she worked and she’s positive it was her car, and Christie, the girl who Erin supposedly has never met whom her best friend, Marie, is/has been trying to hook her up with.  Supposedly the girl was born in 1985 and is a singer just like Erin likes!  Yay for Erin!  Yes, I am being sarcastic.

At any rate, I am sick of this crap… I asked her to block the two requests by the way… yes, they did make me uncomfortable and insecure, and I think it’s fully warranted.  She claimed she was going to block them (well, Katey’s) “anyway.”  Okay, yeah.  At any rate, she had stated that she hadn’t signed on in months, and I think it’s funny (coincidence) that when she does happen to sign in there are two friend-requests from possible lovers and prospective love interests of Erin’s.

To put it simply, I am sick and tired of having to worry about someone and their support/devotion.  I am tired of the lack of sincerity demonstrated in my relationships and really demonstration period.  It has been years since someone has demonstrated their affection for me via gifts, cards, etc.  Erin did not even remember, or rather choose to celebrate either of my past two birthdays, our anniversary, Valentine’s Day, etc.  Do you know how insulted I was?  I remember being devastated on my birthday because she completely blew it off…  Annie was the same way only she actually bought me a card at the very least.

At any rate, Erin seems to claim these occasions are not a “big” deal.  She says she doesn’t celebrate them with anyone, which I think is complete bulshit.  After all, she does like to go to birthday parties, yet she can’t even acknowledge that it’s someone birthday, anniversary, etc?  Right.  So as you see, this is what I have been dealing with for literally the last 4 years — no exaggeration.  The last time that I was shown affection was with Katey!  (Yes, the same Katey that is trying to make her way back into Erin’s life — I must be honest, you must question her intentions) and Katey ended up being an extremely controlling, jealous partner.  I’m not sure if she’s worse than Erin in that realm or not… honestly, probably not, but she was covertly manipulative.  Erin is just sly… both honestly are slime balls, and I should have stopped dating for a while after Katey.  I was afraid though and needed support.

So here I am, and it’s a beautiful sunny day, and I am choosing to stay inside because it’s freezing outside.  I hate the cold.  The sun makes zero difference if it’s freezing out.  The people that I care about, ie: Ashley, Wanda (potential friend), Michael, etc. all seem to not give a crap about getting a hold of me, and so I am left out “in the dark” so-to-speak.  Erin is too busy blowing me off because she’s too focused on the newest latest thing, which is actually what people (potential love interests) are to Erin, and even my own family is not speaking to me because they’re too self-absorbed.  I am honestly beginning to generalize and wonder whether the whole world is this way.  Is everyone selfish and in it for themselves?  Is everyone irrational and not monogamous?  People don’t give a shit it seems.  It seems like all that everyone cares about is going to bars and out to eat and working…

I mean, this is “work” America… you work then you party party party.  You work then you go out to dinner and have a “glass of wine” –whoopie doo!  What about individual sports, ie: rock climbing, camping, poetry, art?  People don’t seem to care about these things anymore.  Life honestly seems like a big joke.  Let me put that in quotes, “Life” –Yeah, this so-called thing called “life.”  What the hell is life when you don’t have any support?  I have absolutely no social circle… no friends here, etc. and God knows I have tried!  Apparently (I have been told this by several people that) Philadelphia and other “major” cities are different… people are just off in their own little worlds.

For instance, Erin wanted to go to the coffee shop the other day to spend time on her computer and so we went to the coffee shop… actually, two days in a row, and everyone there is extremely quiet and off to themselves… I don’t understand… it blows my mind.  Zero conversation, just people absorbed, lost in their own little worlds with head phones in.  That may be okay for them, but it’s not for me… quite honestly, I have always felt awkward at coffee shops.  I first off don’t drink coffee… or cappuccino, and I only drink de-caff herbal tea.  I just feel strange in coffee shops… Star Bucks is even worse.  I don’t “fit in.”

There is actually one coffee shop, or rather, strictly tea shop, and it’s called “Infusion,” and it’s on the outskirts of Philadelphia in a section called Mt. Airy, and I like it there… a lot.  It’s artsy and full of a bunch of art-political folks.  They host poetry there every other Friday just about.  That is a shop I can get down with.  But the rest…. not a chance.  I just want to avoid them.  So I must say it’s always weird when people invite me out for “coffee,” or a “drink,” because neither of these activities I participate in!  I would rather take a walk together… or go to a movie… or go to a park… or a play, etc.  I’m not comfortable with the whole sensate-coffee drinking.  What about a journal-writing cafe?  I don’t see anything like that here, nor have I heard of it, but I can almost bet you that in Portland, OR (“Keep Portland weird”) there’s one!  You get my gyst.

Blogging helps relieve stress… this is very helpful for me.  Decision-making on the other hand is not.  –Not right now anyway.   Not when I’m stuck, torn, etc. in my anxieties and neurosis LOL.  I honestly need that “helping hand” and nobody is willing to offer it to me… and yet I do not feel strong enough right now to offer it to myself so I sink further.  I am angry and frustrated at life right now.  As I said, I am pretty obviously depressed.  I am trying to do what I can do get out of it, but I will say right now, honestly, I am not going out in the cold unless I have to, so I’m pretty much home-bound.  Work training starts in a few weeks, and I am not looking forward to it… mainly because of the weather, but also because it’s not team-oriented, the type of job I am looking for, and it’s at a school where it’s loud and there are a bunch of kids –many sick one’s at that, running around.  The environment may be too chaotic and stressful for me.

A part of me wants to fall into another relationship just to help me get out of this one… but I know that wouldn’t  be smart.  Yet I am bored, anxious, lonely, and resentful.  I am angry at everything that has happened with Erin, and I want to just escape… As I say this, I imagine people saying, “Well, no, why don’t you sit down with yourself for a while,” but that’s ignorance on their part, because if they have known me, I have done too much “sitting” and am (identify as) “stuck.”  I honestly need help… support.  A group of friends.  I am very selective in my tastes and interests though, and I have actually found some healthy, vibrant friends in a meetup group online –all black, which is okay with me because that’s the community I feel most alive with, and I was already shafted by one person.  See past entry.  I apparently scared her away by asking a philosophical question, “Do you ever feel nostalgic?” I guess in Philadelphia you do not ask this stuff.

Perhaps I should say “Filthadelphia” because things aren’t pure and rich here, internally, (my projected perceived state-of-mind) because I was asking a simply pure, rich (deep) question, ie: “Do you ever feel nostalgic?” and was blown off and cut off.  Okay then.  I guess there is a “time and place” and it’s sadly never the “right time” for me in Philly.  Result:  I live in my lone castle… as a lone wolf, more lonely than ever.  “Why should I even bother,” ie: going out, I ask myself.  It’s honestly a very good question… if I seem to repulse everyone I meet, “then what’s the use?”  That’s my frame-of-mind, newly developed :)  Honestly though… it’s miserable.  Excruciating.  I am not used to this… not having friends.

I am going to try and watch some inspirational videos now to try and pull myself out of this.  Who knows, maybe I’ll even pack up my portable suitcase too just to see how much can fit in there.  I really don’t want to have a lot of things and want to be able to be portable if necessary —“God knows how long this is going to last” seems to be my mindset and has been since my father’s death after discovering him dead.  Apparently I have no clue (insight) into “reality” as things function (work) entirely differently here… I am a country, rural girl –raised in Indiana and lived in Vermont for 4 years –you would think someone would give me a break and understand, but apparently not.  I am too “open,” etc.  Okay.

Bitterness bestows me… I am finished now.  I am going to put on some music and attempt to organize my stuff (my life) again since I don’t have anything else going for me.  Friend?

2 comments on “February 22nd, 2011. Apathy. “The hero that I couldn’t be.” -DS.

  1. Jose says:

    Keep pushing on. I hope you learn from these tough experiences. Like a photographer I know says, I use the negatives to develop….Grow through these trials in your life. Become a stronger and better you through it. Hope you have aMerry Christmas.

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