February 24th, 2011. Save myself.


Well, now that I am going to live my “own” life I have to figure out how I am going to do that.  I feel like one again I am having to shut my heart off in order to continue walking.  I feel like I am having to harden myself so that I can keep on going, and I don’t naturally like to do this being someone that is very sensitive and gentle.  At any rate, I now need to take care of myself the best way I know how and get myself to a place where I can self-sustain.  I need to be able to “carry my own weight.”  I have a feeling that on this road, one of the lessons will be learning to take risks and chances.  I hate taking risks and chances and prefer predictability.  I understand that progress comes in bounds and leaps.

If this is my life then “what am I going to do with it,” I ask?  The world is a playground and this is my showroom, and it’s a chance to shine… I am sure that I will fall as I’m “out” there.  To be really honest, I am afraid to be “out” there.  I am afraid of this whole “sink” or swim deal.  What is life without someone?  I feel like I have been emotionally alone for too long and the last thing I want is to not have someone to rely on and have to solely rely on myself emotionally because I have already had to do this and it’s been very difficult…

“Us against the world” -Musiq.  There isn’t any “Us against the world” anymore… Ashley and I are through, and I just need to get her out of my head.  You know, the truth is, all I really needed (wanted) was a friend… but the simple fact is, she’s cut me off for reasons of her own, and I just have to move on.  She wants me to “move on” fine.  I will move on via action, but not heart.  The heart may take some time… I am not someone who has multiple commitments… that is not me.  I tend to be very faithful and true to causes and persons I believe in.

At any rate, I will force myself to move on via action and honestly try not to get a chip on my shoulder or too jaded when I come home from a jaded world and want nothing more than to have a woman there to help “soften” (comfort) me.  We all need that comfort, and I have never had it.  I have always been the “strong” one, just naturally… it’s hard to find an equal.  Ashley was an equal of mine.  I don’t even want to mention her name anymore, as it hurts so bad I just want to laugh to try and deflect the pain.  I am angry and sad at her choice to cut me off, and I just want to run away.

I can (and should) be able to make things work for myself out there… out there in this “world.”  I am a pretty tough cookie.  I remember when I was little wanting to do SWAT, or the DEA.  I love cop shows.  I am interested in protective custody, too… ie, children.  I am interested in protecting and serving.  At any rate, I guess it’s now time to protect myself.  Every time I try and get Ashley out of my head I can’t.  I sit here, and I think, “Wow, I’m going to be all grown up and she’s going to be married.”  I don’t know, I guess that just goes to show my lack of faith in society right now, because the reality is, God and the Universe work in mysterious ways.  For instance:

I watch this video, something I once (and still, in the back of my mind and deep inside my heart) believed in, and I think to myself, “Maybe I won’t get that lucky.  I am definitely a force to Reckon with.”  I am strong and persistent.  There is a fine line… I guess there is also a time and place, and now is the time for me to let go.

I have only been able to sing this song to two people — Ashley (originally, and still) and then my previous counselor/confidant “Syndee” who’s heart had no bounds and where boundaries were extremely blurred.  “Undefined.”  I guess love has no bounds…. it’s true, it cannot be defined or exacted… it’s not a science.  It’s just simply chemistry… something we try and figure out when we get scared or are simply curious, but we can’t, because it just is…  Soul-mates are one amongst a few, and they are great opportunities for us to learn about ourselves, others, and life.  They come and go, but I think it can be said, that for some those connections and ties never change.

So I will “pull up my bootstraps” so-to-speak and continue trucking.  I am not going to let anything stop me or get in the way of my own success, which I define as the ability to be self-sufficient and take care of myself.  I know that I am capable of being successful and living passionately and purposefully.  My dream is to inspire… to make change.  Ashley has no clue who I am and what I’m capable of, but that is okay, because there will soon come a point where I will be out there “on my own” officially, and I will have no one but myself to turn to.  I will make it work for myself, and I can only hope that by then, and if, and eventually that I can let a woman, and another woman into my heart…

“Dreams unspoken, this price is our token” –a line in a poem I once wrote.  “Words cannot describe, words cannot define this thing between you and I.”   Someday… not right now.  I will choose to live.  If she wants me to move on, fine.  I want to move on, too, for me… to grow up.  For me to be able to move some of this energy and get it, things going.  To do.  To stop sitting on the sidelines planning my attack so-to-speak.  To just be and trust.  “I can make it on my own.”  Instead of the song, “Just the ‘two’ of us,”  that “two” will be me and my little girl inside… that tough, strong, independent, rambunctious, energetic, alert child:

Now I owe it to myself and my little girl…

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