March 9th, 2011. Financial ruin.

My financial situation is really getting out of hand, and I am likely going to have to sell my car… Things are really proving to be difficult right now, as I am really struggling to bring in income, as my health is poor.  I have not felt well for over 3 years now, continually getting sick, and I was just (finally) diagnosed with a chronic illness.  I don’t want to watch the world just go by before me… I actually want to live it, and so I am determined to get better.  I need to heal.

I am not sure what I am going to do with out my car and its easy access.  I have barely used it the last year that I have resided here in Philadelphia, but Erin and I have used it for a ton of errands, particularly in Jersey — Walmart and grocery shopping being the most important.

I am determined to live out my vision and know that this situation is only temporary.  I know that my health will eventually improve.  I prayed for this year to be healthy and for me to get myself back to where I first started.  I want myself back more than anything and will work (fight) hard for it.  I will hang on as long as I can.  I’m going to try really hard right now to make some lifestyle changes.

I think everyone goes through tough times, and I should be careful not to judge myself so quickly and harshly –we all need help sometimes, and for some, longer than others, but there is always that opportunity to be independent and to succeed on our own.  I very much believe in my own success.  I am a self-starter and motivated and have an eternal optimistic faith.  Despite life’s difficulties, I trust that things will work out.

I need to develop a better idea of what I would like to do in terms of work.  I know already that I am capable of continuing to be self-employed, but I would also like to work for an organization — when I am healthy, which right now unfortunately I am not, and I am very limited in my ability to live out my vision.  I am trying to self-nurture as much as possible, but have not been able to afford an LLMD (Lyme literate MD) yet.  The first session alone is between $900-1100 out-of-pocket.

My life really did take a turn when I left Vermont, and as much as I want to say I made a mistake, I cannot help but think that maybe it happened for a reason.  Maybe I would have been in Vermont without any support to move through this illness, whereas here in Philly there is Erin.  Who knows.

All I know is that I am embarrassed and ashamed of my situation, but it is not something that I cannot get through.  I am just going to need to be patient, open-minded, and persistent.  I am trying to minimize my needs still, and I feel pretty close to being there.  My physical needs are far, few, and in-between.

First thing’s first, I need to figure out how I am going to live without a car.  A car is not absolutely necessary but is helpful in many cases.  On the other hand, I will be sick and possibly bed-ridden for the next 6-12 months so it may not be super necessary, although I will still need groceries and such.  I am creating my “nest” now.  I just want to move through this healing process with ease and not experience too many difficulties.  We will see what life throws at me.  I am going to have to be ready for anything.  At any rate, the car should be the least of my concerns… still, it’s concerning.

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