March 31st, 2011. Tough times. Ears, anyone?


This is the song playing in my head right now, as I’ve had a slight “ego” bruise:

“Learn My Lesson”

Tonight the sunset means so much
The one thing that you know you’ll never touch
Like the feeling, the real thing
I reach out for that sweet dream

But somehow the darkness wakes me up
I’ve felt this emptiness before
But all the times that I’ve been broken
I still run right back for more

You’d think that I’d learn my lesson by now
You’d think that I’d somehow figure out
That if you strike the match
You’re bound to feel the flame

You think that I’d learn the cost of love
Paid that price long enough
But still I drive myself right through the pain
Yeah, well it turns out, I haven’t learned a thing

Sometimes I think I’m better off
To turn out the lights and close up shop
And give up the longing, believing in belonging
Just hold down my head and take the loss

You’d think that I’d learn my lesson by now
You’d think that I’d somehow figure out
That if you strike the match
You’re bound to feel the flame

You’d think that I’d learn the cost of love
Paid that price long enough
But still I drive myself right through the pain
Yeah, well it turns out, I haven’t learned a thing…

You’d think that I’d learn my lesson by now
You’d think that I’d somehow figure out
That if you strike the match
You’re bound to feel the flame

You’d think that I’d learn the cost of love
Paid that price long enough
But still I drive myself right through the pain
Yeah, well it turns out, I haven’t learned a thing…

The line that is bolded is what stood out to me, and then I googled it (because I couldn’t remember the song) and this is the song that came up.

I don’t know why I have such a difficult time… I don’t know why I am so frequently misunderstood.  I fee like this year I am encountering a lot of “resistance” (energetically and literally) from all sides.  I am having a really difficult year.  I am not making any money, ie: steady employment-wise, and my relationships are all very poor and turbulent.  I am trying to have (develop) a better relationship with myself, yet every attempt I have is futile.

So in case you’re wondering… I stopped by the bicycle shop today, and I spoke with Curtis.  I have been stopping by diligently to try and demonstrate my solid interest in the job, and today he said that he’s hiring a former employee to come and do the work he needs to get done.  He seems to think that because I don’t know the difference between a “nut” and a “bolt” that I would not be capable of being an organizer for his store.

First off, I did know the difference between a bolt and a nut — I learned a long time ago from my grandfather and my dad, but I was so damn tongue-tied and nervous when I went in there in search and hope of a job that — with only one goal in mind — that I blew my shot.  I froze with words.  But it didn’t stop me from coming back — I was persistent — every damn day.  I literally would visit the shop daily.  Curtis even joked to me around some customers, bantering me on how I keep on “pestering” him about a job, he’d say with a smile on his face.  He stated I’m”fugal,” and I think he was using the wrong word.

At any rate, he bantered me.  I took this to be a good sign, but now I am a little confused about the mixed messages I am receiving.  He is back and forth it seems, but I do not think it’s because he’s a flaky person — rather, I think it’s because he wants to see me demonstrate work experience working with bicycles, which I do not have, but I certaintly have the passion and willingness.  I am also a quick-learner.

At any rate, I rightfully almost walked out of there with tears in my eyes.  I have spent literally hours and days at that shop demonstrating my interest and taking the time to learn more.  He also made a comment today about my “perfectionism,” or perfectionist tendencies.  Yes, I am undoubtedly a perfectionist, and I am proud of it.  It’s my perfectionism that allows me to achieve.  What more does he want?

I am hurt.  My ego, that is.  I feel once again misunderstood and slighted.  I have demonstrated my competence, ie: in other areas, and my capability for learning this trade, and it just sounds like he doesn’t have, or rather, isn’t willing to make the time because his time is valuable.  I cannot tell you how quick I can learn this, and how quick and excellent of a learner I am.  I can excel.  I have no doubt in my abilities.

“What more does he want,” I ask again?  I cannot tell you the feeling in my stomach of what it feels like to feel and be misunderstood.  I am angry.  I am mad; I am sad.  I am frustrated.  Am I not making myself known?  …clear?  Am I not putting myself “out” there the way I should be?  I am doing what I can to make this happen, but apparently my attempts are not pronounced enough!  I am quiet but persistent.  I am steady.  I am  outspoken about certain things.  I am reflective, and I am smart.  I lead by vision.

I want to learn everything there is to know about bicycles and the store.  It is not often; in fact, rare, that I will walk into a store and desire to actually work there.  For me, that says a lot.  I am very picky and selective (particular) about where and with whom I invest my time.

I am interested in improving his business, but either he doesn’t see it, or he doesn’t have the time.  I told him to give me a shot — to allow me to work for him for 1 week.  He was considering it, but then he threw in the comment that he’s thrown in three times already about how I don’t know the difference between a “nut” and a “bolt,” which I do!  The truth is, I just didn’t want to admit to him that I made a mistake because I was embarrassed and so focused on getting an opportunity to work for him at a trade I would love that I spaced it.  Minute details aside, I can organize things by the way they look and my organizational abilities extend much further than he’s even aware.

He had a customer who walked in and who needed his help while I was patiently awaiting an answer.  He came back, and I said something to him, “I can come in whenever you want — I will work with your schedule.” He looked hesitant, or rather contemplative, and so I said, “Curtis, how about this?  How about we meet next Monday and we sit down and talk about this — the opportunity, what you’re looking for, what I have to offer, etc.” He then pointed out that they were closed Mondays, which I knew, but again, I wasn’t in that “state” (mentally) to remember something like that;  I was once again focused on the result, ie:  getting the opportunity to work for him.

I laughed, feeling once stupid again, like I had made a mistake because I knew that, but I was too focused on the outcome to remember, and I had invested all of my energy into attaining and awaiting the desired response.  In response, he said that he’s busy the next “3 weeks.”  Well, okay.  I walked out of there with nearly tears in my eyes thinking, “I guess he’ll never understand,” followed by, “Why doesn’t he understand?”  “Can’t he just see that I am interested in the trade and that I am capable?” He knows that I am smart because he actually made this comment to me the 1st or 2nd day I spoke with him, yet his doubt, or skepticism, about me not having had bicycle experience is preventing him from providing me with the opportunity.

I am honestly starting to wonder whether or not my “portfolio” idea would even make a difference to him if “experience” is what he is sold on.  I can have all the ideas in the world and be able (fully capable) to implement them, but how can I without first being given a chance?  I cannot tell you how it feels to finally find a place that I am interested in working in only to be halfway shot down.  I am a strong person, and I am also very stubborn, and so it says a lot for me to be trying to work for someone, moreover this persistently!  Additionally, to be working for a place where I would most likely make less than half the money I would elsewhere.  What does that say?

The fact that I have a college degree and am going to be pursuing higher education soon! …and yet I want to work at a bicycle shop?  What that says is that my interest is sincere and well-intentioned.  I guess in the long-scheme of things it doesn’t matter.  From this point on I am unsure of how to proceed.  I want to say just “abandon this ship,” yet I am not entirely ready to let go yet when I have stumbled upon a treasure, ie: used, vintage bicycles that are both beautiful and practical.  I don’t want to work for another shop.  I don’t want to work for another shop because I do not want to waste my time when I have already sized up that Curtis’s shop would be the best for me — I trust my analysis and intuition.

Honestly, my time, too, Curtis, is precious, and I know what I am worth, and it says a lot that I have chosen — selected Via Bicycle, to work for because I am capable of transforming the place.

Maybe he’s fine and maybe he has everything the way “he wants,” but I just want to do better.  I want to improve it.  I want to give it 5 stars, not 4.  There is always room for improvement.  I want to know his mission… his vision — does he have one?  I want to work together to create something.  I never had anyone guiding me or directing me growing up – I guided and directed myself; I learned things the hard way and my own way.

I do not usually listen to people — not everyone.  I listen to people I consider knowledgeable and trustworthy.  Curtis and I think along the same lines.  Yet, I am unseen?  The truth is, I can only do so much… either he will or won’t see it.  Screw my ideas — they mean nothing on paper.  Edit:  They don’t mean “anything” on paper, only in practice, and if I can’t use them, then what’s the use?  I have ideas, and I need to be able to put them to use.

My brain, my reflection… the fact that I am a girl… or rather, a “woman.”  I am capable of so much, but to not be given the chance hurts.  It’s like a stab in the chest.  I need to be able to be productive, and I need to be able to work for a place that has similar values as my own, and a similar mission/vision.  I just want a chance.

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