April 30th, 2011. An example of drama. What ever happened to simplicity, or rather, compassion, understanding, and responsibility? Balance is non-existant. Rigid thinking and households.


An example of drama… Note:  I hate drama.

Person A lives in this house with person B who has a dog.  Person B works all day (9:30 a.m. – 8:15pm) and leaves dog with person A.  There is not a formal agreement between person A and B regarding the care of the dog.  Person B (his/her philosophy is the following) would keep dog in cage all day (they do not see a problem with it) but the responsibility so-to-speak (informal/unspoken “agreement”) falls on person A to keep the dog out of the cage and to care for the dog, ie: watch, let out to use the bathroom, etc.  Why?  Because:  Person A does not agree with keeping the dog caged for 11 hours and has sort of “agreed” (informal/unspoken) to take care of the dog so the dog doesn’t have to be caged.  Basically the responsibility has fallen back on person A because person A is concerned for the dog’s welfare.

Issue:  Value conflict — Person A does not believe in caging an animal; Person B sees no problem with it.  Note:  There may be gray area —

One day person A was going to leave the house to actually meet up with person B and forgot to put the dog in its cage before he/she left.  Both people came home later that evening to see the dog has chewed the remote control to the tv — who’s fault is it?  Is it person A who forgot to put the dog in the cage, or does it fall back on person B because they’re the dog owner and owning a dog comes with a responsibility.  Note/Remember:  Person A is not formally “hired,” or in any way responsible for the dog.  Furthermore, even if they were, ie: formally hired, etc. and they made a mistake, is it accept to react and blow up?  See below.

Person B yelled at person A the following day in front of company!  A and B had company over and person B discovered that the remote did not work and started yelling at A. The yelling went on for 20 minutes until the company walked out the door.  Person B rationalized it (person A’s observation) because the guest was “family,” ie: a cousin.  Nevertheless, person B — a day later, started yelling at person A once he/she discovered the remote was not only chewed, but it no longer worked.

Person A was confused and embarrassed that person B would yell at her in front of someone, much less yell at her at all because accidents happen.  Furthermore, person A is not responsible for the dog.  Person A stated to person B: “Accidents happen,” and also felt person B, as a dog owner comes a responsibility, ie: if the dog chews something, it is the owners responsibility to pay for it.

*Even if there was a formal agreement between person A and B regarding the care of the dog, if a mistake happened, it would be unrealistic to make person A pay for the mistake!  (Person B was wanting person A to pay for the mistake and was yelling).  Why?  Because mistakes happen and “perfection” does not exist.  It is unrealistic (unrealistic expectations) to think that because one forgot something, had an accident, etc. made a mistake in such a context that they should have to pay for it.  Be mindful also that person A is not responsible for this dog — there is not an agreement period.

Person B (third component) is worried (feels more pressure) because person B’s father is going to yell at him/her.  Person B believe they will have to “take the heat” (quote) themselves.  Person A affirmed the father may (likely, “the past is a predictor for the future”) yell, yes, but there isn’t anything either of us can do about his reaction.  The reaction of the father cannot be controlled.  Person B continued to go on and on about the anticipating reaction from the father.  There was much fear.  Person A believed the fear fueled the anger in person B but that’s irrelevant.  Person A was getting shot down (ie, with words, temper, unreasonable expectations, etc) because of person B’s fear and inability to see the situation clearly.

So you have person A, B, and now C added to the mix.  Person A sees things this way:

If a dog should enter a premise — any premise, then it is the responsibility of its owner to take full responsibility for the dog, ie: paying for damages, etc. that might occur as a result of the dog’s actions.

If a maid was hired to take care of the dog and the made forgot to do something by accident and the dog had an accident, ie: chewing the remote, the maid would not be expected to pay for the remote.  Accidents happen.  Flexibility and understanding are a must when you are a pet owner.  It is and can be expected that things will happen when you own a pet!  Person C (The father) gets livid and yells and curses and threatens when things happen — normal things, ie: accidents, chews, etc.  Person C should not have agreed to allow person B to have a dog if it was going to be a problem, or rather, Person C should respect the fact that person B is paying rent and is his/her own separate person and should not be yelling at person B at all.

There is too much enmeshment and unhealthyness in this situation.  Lets keep it (this drama) real simple:

If a dog should enter a premise — any premise, then it is the responsibility of its owner to take full responsibility for the dog, ie: paying for damages, etc. that might occur as a result of the dog’s actions.

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April 29th, 2011. The Minimalist’s view.



“Nothing Left To Lose” by Mat Kearney

Something’s in the air tonight
The sky’s alive with a burning light
You can mark my words something’s about to break

And I found myself in a bitter fight
While I’ve held your hand through the darkest night
Don’t know where you’re coming from but you’re coming soon

[bridge]
To a kid from Oregon by way of California
All of this is more than I’ve ever known or seen

[chorus]
Come on and we’ll sing, like we were free
Push the pedal down watch the world around fly by us
Come on and we’ll try, one last time
I’m off the floor one more time to find you
And here we go there’s nothing left to choose
And here we go there’s nothing left to lose

So I packed my car and I headed east
Where I felt your fire and a sweet release
There’s a fire in these hills that’s coming down
And I don’t know much but I found you here
And I can not wait another year
Don’t know where you’re coming from but you’re coming soon

[bridge]

[chorus]

I can still hear the trains out my window
From Hobart Street to here in Nashville
I can still smell the pomegranates grow
And I don’t know how hard this wind will blow
Or where we’ll go…

April 29th, 2011. Career expansion-growth.


I would like to work with an organization to help 1. Optimize the organization (ie, it’s structure/order), and I would like to 2. Work directly with its people, using my skills and abilities to help individuals develop their potential…

I seek to work with an agency in helping the agency carry out its mission, values, and vision to the fullest, mobilizing resources, creating energy, and movement

I am interested in work that entails the following:

Staff trainings, team development, facilitating events, leading workshops, educating and training, facilitating personal growth, leading discussions, creating PowerPoint presentations for learning purposes,  enlisting participants feedback, raising awareness, advocating, central role in events/planning, part of a committee board, revising job duties/descriptions, able to revise/updating agency’s website, blog, twitter, and Facebook/calendar, able to create/revise organizational chart, create/develop resource guides & handbooks.

Ideal work environment: -Structured w/clear organizational chart -Ample opportunities for growth and advancement -Ample opportunities for leadership/staff development -Strong focus on personal growth (abundant travel/training opportunities) -Competitive salary w/excellent benefits -Regular staff/board/committee meetings  -Ability to work independently as well as be a part of a strong team -Work with value-minded colleagues… same mission/purpose  

Nature of ideal work…

-Nature of work involves creative, innovative problem-solving -Be able to effect change and policy -Help other employees identify their strengths and weaknesses -Help other employees identify and overcome barriers and challenges -Demonstrate and encourage leadership skills

Ideal job summary (essay): My ideal work environment would have clear guidelines and clear organization.  The environment would allow for creative problem solving and implementation.  *It is crucial that within this structured environment, there are ample opportunities for creativity, innovation, and growth/advancement. The organization would offer a competitive salary with good benefits.  The environment would consist of value/mission-driven colleagues who are passionate and committed to maintaining high levels of personal and professional integrity.

There would be minimal supervision (autonomy/freedom would be valued) but a strong focus on the team and team development.  Ample opportunities for staff development/growth, and learning would be offered. Summary of work: I need work that allows me to be innovative/develop and that’s challenging.  I greatly enjoy overcoming obstacles and barriers.  I also benefit/need a great deal of autonomy (freedom/independence) but to be a part of a strong team with a strong mission.  I would also like to be a part of council or board (committee) meetings where changes can be brainstormed and further improved.

NOT ideal work environment:

-Lack of opportunities for growth and learning -Minimal opportunities for creative problem solving -Heavy supervision (I need freedom/autonomy –minimal supervision)

The organization should be organized (external environment, as well as structurally) and things should be efficient.  Employees should be competent.  I am an idea person, and so I would like to be able to make suggestions and have those suggestions heard and taken seriously (ie, implemented).  I would love to be able to implement those changes myself eventually.  Constant growth, learning, and challenge is essential.  The worst thing is to be working a job that is not rewarding and not challenging, ie: stagnant (ie, conventional).  I would not thrive in an organization that is not open to change and constant growth/development.  I especially thrive in new agencies where programs and curriculum are being developed and there’s ample room for ideas/feedback.

In terms of work, I value:  Organization, Efficiency, Growth/Learning Opportunities, Competent Staff, Challenge, Competitive benefits.

Type of organization I am interested in working for:

Help develop leadership skills, help individuals articulate their needs and ideas, responsible for creating social and environmental change, building relationships, workshops and training sessions, planning and implementing, identifying and researching better methods, organize, carry out, projects, skill-building trainings, develop workshops, planning and implantation, project-based learning, community development, coaching/mentoring central role.

Example of a place I might work at:  Our mission is to empower, organize, individuals to become leaders, critical thinkers, develop knowledge and skills.

MY SKILLS & STRENGTHS:

  • Excellent leader with vision, self-motivated, organized
  • Self-aware, Intelligent, value-driven, resourceful
  • Excellent verbal and written communication skills
  • Passion and drive to excel, critical thinker
  • Strong research and presentation skills,
  • Wpm 90, PC/MAC, MS Office Pro, willing to travel

I value:  Respect, discipline, teamwork, leadership, growth and expansion,

Personal Areas/Fields of interest:

Organizational Development Professional Development Leadership Development Project management/Project leaders­hip, Executive coaching, Consulting, Human Resources Partner

April 29th, 2011. Earthly, whole-istic, healthy living!


I love re-usable things, and I am most excited about my most recent purchase:

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The shoes appear to lambs wool around the ankle and seams.  They are super comfy and down-to earth.  I am happy with the lifestyle changes I am making, including choosing an all-organic and as much raw-food diet as possible:

I am keeping my space really minimalist, too, which frees up a lot of room for me to work creatively :)



April 29th, 2011. Stagnation and frustrations. Stifled.


I am so put off by her workaholism it makes me sick.  Everything to her is about work — “work” this, “work” that.  She doesn’t have any life outside of work.  Even I love work — ie, coaching, and  yet I am able to and maintain a balance in my life.  Balance is super important.  All of her time, energy, and focus goes to work.  It doesn’t help that there are trust issues between us either and that she has a history of cheating and history of lying to me because I honestly wonder what “work” entails sometimes.

I want to trust Erin, I really do, but I cannot get over the things that she does because she continues to do them.  Just when I start trusting Erin again she will do something else to screw it up.  Most women I have dated who have have been serial cheaters (90% of them) will profusely apologize; Erin does not.  What does that say about her?  She is remorseless.  She (quote) “does what she wants, when she wants.”  It’s fucked up.  Excuse my language, but I just feel like I am at this stand still in my life.  I am not happy, yet I don’t want to “rock the boat” so-to-speak.

I am not sure what to do… I want and need a change, yet I am afraid of change.  I wish that I could meet a beautiful young lady, yet at the same time I know that if I did I would need to get my own place, etc. and that there would be a lot of emotions involved regarding Erin and I, etc. and it would just end in disaster.  It feels as though everything has already ended in disaster.  I don’t even feel free… in that, I feel honestly extremely limited and caged.

We don’t do anything together… she is unwilling to try anything new.  I understand that I am slow to adjust to change and to make changes when it comes to certain things, but she flat out won’t even try things.  Do you know how lonely that is?  I could obviously go out and meet friends, but I am still going to be frustrated with this girl who sits at home and does nothing and just wants to watch tv all day… that’s all she does — food, bar, and tv!  I am not trying to be rude, and I guess maybe I am coming off that way.  I apologize.

I am just frustrated with her lack of willingness to try new things… I have more interests than the average person, and I like to have fun, and Erin is not open to new experiences like that.  She is certainly open to sexual experiences, but unwilling to try anything else.  Is it not stimulating enough for her?  I always fall on the back burner for her.  She’s too damn busy with “work” to balance out other things in her life, ie: family (me).  I feel frustrated and am aggravated.

I would work every day of my life to support myself and my family and to be there for my family and in her mind her work is her family.  She is obsessed with work and I cannot help but wonder, partially due to the mistrust, what the hell she does there.  She has movies on the hospitality restaurant industry where people are doing wild and crazy stuff behind closed doors — that is her sense of humor.  I am sorry, but I do not find that funny.  I do not think it is funny to have a partner and to be dating other people or flirting with other people.  I do not think it’s funny to maintain artificial highs for your own self-pleasure.

I hate how monogamy is underrated.  My distrust in this relationship is really starting to sadly coat my other relationships and life.  I am beginning to think periodically that all women are not trustworthy, which just goes to show how long I have been exposed to this “radiation” so-to-speak.  This ‘toxicity.’  I have never been someone to have my thinking “colored,” but after living with this for so long, continual let down, frustration, lies, unhappiness, etc. it really wears on you and takes its toll.

The reality is people have to want to change on their own.  Erin does not see the world the way I do and she would rather live it her way and experiment her way — with whoever, whenever she wants despite being involved with someone.  I do not share this viewpoint, and it (the value conflict) is causing a lot of distress on my body mentally and physically, yet as I said, I feel truly stuck.  Stifled.  Unable to move.

I am going to go and put my clothes away now and take care of some responsibilities.

April 27th, 2011. Reminders, impressions, sensations…


Why is it that whenever I google “heart, self-acceptance” and click on ‘images,’ every single image reminds me of Jen and I’s relationship?  Why is it that I can feel her and the energy of that relationship long after it’s “over?”  Perhaps relationships stay inside us?  Perhaps I am longing to feel connected again the way I did with her.  Perhaps I am lonely and sad that Erin and I do not have a relationship even close to this — ie, based off love (unconditional) and understanding.

I look at these images… and they are so heart-focused… they convey warmth… touch… feeling… support, not coldness and lack of emotion like I feel in Erin and I’s relationship.  I know that I shouldn’t compare, but I am deeply sad and angry.  Beneath the anger is sadness because there is a lack of connection.  She closed off from me way too early.  First she smothered me and then she closed off — and she’s always been controlling.  I don’t ‘get’ it.  I try and wrap my head around some things, but some things I just don’t and likely will never “get.”  It’s beyond me.

I miss lighting candles… having candlelit dinners… talking about what went on with our days and in our community… I miss nature… bonfires… creeks… water… kayaking, laughing, walking outdoors, noticing the leaves change.  I sit here, and I ask, “What has happened?”  I honestly question and wonder whether there was any love to begin with, as it seems so hollow and ill-defined (non-existent) in Erin and I’s relationship.  I felt, in so many ways, like the “thrill of the chase.”  She chased and then cut off once she got what she wanted and she then pursued other interests.

I wonder about my heart and my purpose often and kinship… I honestly miss, more than anything, being supported and honestly that feeling of being supported.  Why is it that some people are in touch with their hearts while others are not?  How can one be disconnected from his/her heart?  I do not get it… it baffles me… blows my mind.  Jen would cut off and close off but not in the same way as Erin who is pretty much inaccessible.  Jen would just push/pull but she could never quite “cut off,” ie: emotionally detach.  Erin becomes cold.  She dissociated or splits or something.  I hate to “psychbabalize” things, but I do not know of any other way to put it.  She is just not there… it’s like touching an empty shell…

Do you know how it feels to be human and to have your “hands and feet” (so-to-speak) “pressed up against the glass,” looking for a way in?  …saying, “Hey, I’m here,” and cries and screams down the hall only to not be heard?  This is how I have felt, and yet I have hung on, patiently, waiting for a response.  Every once in a while I will hear a response.  If this journal entry is saddening you, it is saddening me too.  I feel sadness in my chest just about now.  I want to say, “Yes, Jen, what we had was real…”  I want to, “Erin, I know you opened up, but you shut/closed off much too fast — you didn’t even allow me to get to know you.”  I think both of these women presented me with another side, but the difference is Jen still remained connected whereas with Erin as I said, she’s an empty shell and often it appears as though she and we are just going through the motions…

I felt Erin’s heart once.  I honestly felt it beating in my hand… so early on in our relationship.  I am about drowned out by now and too tired to “hold on” to that anymore, as I have tried “fishing,” attempt after attempt for far too long now.  I am simply burnt out.  Who wants to keep on trying when someone is inaccessible, to themselves and others?  Erin is counter-dependent; she fears intimacy.  As I said, Jen fears intimacy too, but she was at least assessable, and no one quite got to her like I did.  Erin says I “push her buttons” — yeah, I’ve heard that before — my lovely “mother” said the same thing, yet that’s about all I do.  She doesn’t let anyone or anything in so how could she ever experience anything more?

I miss flowers… believe it or not, I honestly think I would be elated if I received flowers right now, and I am usually not one to desire flowers — I like plants better lol  At any rate, Erin has forgotten my birthday and just about every special occasion you can imagine — no card, nothing.  I guess we hold onto what we desire.

Jen got me a rock a long time ago that said “Believe.”  I kept it in a box along with other stuff of ours, but my nasty mother threw it out just as she did with my 13-year collection of journals.  At any rate, that really showed me that Jen supported me.  My father used to give me rocks… he was an earth science teacher before I lost him to the hospitality industry… he would teach me the names of the rocks, etc.  I enjoy earthly creations.  I guess I just miss feeling the love and support of those around me.

April 27th, 2011. Influences, wishes, and desires.


There are two women who have been in my life that still hold a special place in my heart.  These women are Ashley and Jen — two very positive people.  People might ask why Jen, when she was so flaky and unreliable, and to tell you the truth, despite her inconsistency, contradictions, back and forth, push/pull behavior, she was in love with life and it was contagious.

Ashley shared this joy, but with the reliability piece :P  Both of these women nevertheless helped shape my life, and I thank them for it.  I miss them both dearly.  I think they, or Jen rather thought I was too “emotional” for her tastes.  Jen would always joke with me and say we were so “different” (quote) — that we just “looked at things differently” — Amanda said the same thing to me.  Jen and Amanda were supposed “Sensors” in the mbti — as opposed to the “Intuitive” I am, so of course we looked at things differently!

At any rate, their energy for life really rubbed off on me, and the positivity was really healthy.  I have been surrounded by negativity for far too long — I am depressed and feel like I have reached the end.  I feel stagnated and entirely devoid of trust.  I really want my life to turn upside down — for fate to change, for the better.  I need an opportunity — a shift, for my perspective, etc. to change so that I can be joyous and free again.  I am not sure how I let these prison gates define me?

How have I imprisoned myself?  In what ways?  I long to break free, out of this shell and launch into a new life.  I guess the choice starts with me.  Why am I so afraid?  — to take risks?  What do I need that will enable me to do this?  How can this misery end and construction be discovered?  I want to rejoice in life, not dread it.  I feel like I’m breathing in pollution — the “air ways” literally and figuratively are being polluted, and I can’t breathe… I am choking.  I am exhausted.  Sleepless nights get the best of me.  I have insomnia.  I have nightmares.

I miss poetry, music, lights, art, friends, laughter, camping, bicycling, rollerblading, doing fun stuff — things that Erin and I do not have in common and that she refuses to even try.  Her closed-off ness and unwillingness I cannot change — God bless her for the suffering she experiences.  I try my best to always stay open — I think I have done well.  I have remained vulnerable and open to learning (Jen was perhaps one of the only people I have ever dated to have opened up my heart to love and unconditional self-regard and acceptance)

and sharing and trying — perhaps too open in that regard.  At any rate, I have tried, successfully to keep my guard down and to rid the “iron gate,” which permeated my soul and spirit for far too long.


I think we limit ourselves; little do we — I in this case, realize all the choices

we have — the vast array.  There is “life” here.  Perhaps I need to open my eyes… to release… to surrender… to something greater…

to know that I can overcome this difficulty and triumph.  Somewhere, I think to myself, there has to be integrity… a soul that cares, a person that is real, a lover who is consistent — but wait, it must first start with myself.  Am I being consistent?  Am I being honest with myself?  Am I lying and deluding myself into believing there’s something “there” when there’s not — that she — Erin is the right person for me?

We all know she is not.  Correction:  I know that she is not, yet we try, because why?  Because we “want” it to work?  Two people need to surrender.  How different are we, I ask?  Are we worlds apart?  …far, few, and in-between?  Does she respect and appreciate my sensitive nature?  I am a poet, a lover, nurturing… I am loving, and strong.  I am devoted, protective — can you stand for this?  I think we missed our mark.  I was not the chosen.

It escapes me.  I let you fall through my fingertips.  Here’s an idea for you:  Don’t let go of that which you treasure; it will only burn and bury you.  Be honest with yourself and your motivations, your intentions, your feelings — stay true to all you know.  Do not compromise your values or allow yourself to drink or thirst for something that does not serve you.  You will die and be left unchosen.  I never wanted to be alone in and with this, and perhaps I never was — perhaps this entire time I had God on my side but could not see — too wrapped up, caught-up in the lesser problems of my life, the trivial matters to see.  But all along, he (the “God” of my understanding) has been there.  My eyes have just been shut…

Prayer:  Please crack them open so that I can see.

God, make yourself known to me.  Seen, heard, and felt.