April 30th, 2011. An example of drama. What ever happened to simplicity, or rather, compassion, understanding, and responsibility? Balance is non-existant. Rigid thinking and households.

An example of drama… Note:  I hate drama.

Person A lives in this house with person B who has a dog.  Person B works all day (9:30 a.m. – 8:15pm) and leaves dog with person A.  There is not a formal agreement between person A and B regarding the care of the dog.  Person B (his/her philosophy is the following) would keep dog in cage all day (they do not see a problem with it) but the responsibility so-to-speak (informal/unspoken “agreement”) falls on person A to keep the dog out of the cage and to care for the dog, ie: watch, let out to use the bathroom, etc.  Why?  Because:  Person A does not agree with keeping the dog caged for 11 hours and has sort of “agreed” (informal/unspoken) to take care of the dog so the dog doesn’t have to be caged.  Basically the responsibility has fallen back on person A because person A is concerned for the dog’s welfare.

Issue:  Value conflict — Person A does not believe in caging an animal; Person B sees no problem with it.  Note:  There may be gray area —

One day person A was going to leave the house to actually meet up with person B and forgot to put the dog in its cage before he/she left.  Both people came home later that evening to see the dog has chewed the remote control to the tv — who’s fault is it?  Is it person A who forgot to put the dog in the cage, or does it fall back on person B because they’re the dog owner and owning a dog comes with a responsibility.  Note/Remember:  Person A is not formally “hired,” or in any way responsible for the dog.  Furthermore, even if they were, ie: formally hired, etc. and they made a mistake, is it accept to react and blow up?  See below.

Person B yelled at person A the following day in front of company!  A and B had company over and person B discovered that the remote did not work and started yelling at A. The yelling went on for 20 minutes until the company walked out the door.  Person B rationalized it (person A’s observation) because the guest was “family,” ie: a cousin.  Nevertheless, person B — a day later, started yelling at person A once he/she discovered the remote was not only chewed, but it no longer worked.

Person A was confused and embarrassed that person B would yell at her in front of someone, much less yell at her at all because accidents happen.  Furthermore, person A is not responsible for the dog.  Person A stated to person B: “Accidents happen,” and also felt person B, as a dog owner comes a responsibility, ie: if the dog chews something, it is the owners responsibility to pay for it.

*Even if there was a formal agreement between person A and B regarding the care of the dog, if a mistake happened, it would be unrealistic to make person A pay for the mistake!  (Person B was wanting person A to pay for the mistake and was yelling).  Why?  Because mistakes happen and “perfection” does not exist.  It is unrealistic (unrealistic expectations) to think that because one forgot something, had an accident, etc. made a mistake in such a context that they should have to pay for it.  Be mindful also that person A is not responsible for this dog — there is not an agreement period.

Person B (third component) is worried (feels more pressure) because person B’s father is going to yell at him/her.  Person B believe they will have to “take the heat” (quote) themselves.  Person A affirmed the father may (likely, “the past is a predictor for the future”) yell, yes, but there isn’t anything either of us can do about his reaction.  The reaction of the father cannot be controlled.  Person B continued to go on and on about the anticipating reaction from the father.  There was much fear.  Person A believed the fear fueled the anger in person B but that’s irrelevant.  Person A was getting shot down (ie, with words, temper, unreasonable expectations, etc) because of person B’s fear and inability to see the situation clearly.

So you have person A, B, and now C added to the mix.  Person A sees things this way:

If a dog should enter a premise — any premise, then it is the responsibility of its owner to take full responsibility for the dog, ie: paying for damages, etc. that might occur as a result of the dog’s actions.

If a maid was hired to take care of the dog and the made forgot to do something by accident and the dog had an accident, ie: chewing the remote, the maid would not be expected to pay for the remote.  Accidents happen.  Flexibility and understanding are a must when you are a pet owner.  It is and can be expected that things will happen when you own a pet!  Person C (The father) gets livid and yells and curses and threatens when things happen — normal things, ie: accidents, chews, etc.  Person C should not have agreed to allow person B to have a dog if it was going to be a problem, or rather, Person C should respect the fact that person B is paying rent and is his/her own separate person and should not be yelling at person B at all.

There is too much enmeshment and unhealthyness in this situation.  Lets keep it (this drama) real simple:

If a dog should enter a premise — any premise, then it is the responsibility of its owner to take full responsibility for the dog, ie: paying for damages, etc. that might occur as a result of the dog’s actions.

April 29th, 2011. The Minimalist’s view.

“Nothing Left To Lose” by Mat Kearney

Something’s in the air tonight
The sky’s alive with a burning light
You can mark my words something’s about to break

And I found myself in a bitter fight
While I’ve held your hand through the darkest night
Don’t know where you’re coming from but you’re coming soon

To a kid from Oregon by way of California
All of this is more than I’ve ever known or seen

Come on and we’ll sing, like we were free
Push the pedal down watch the world around fly by us
Come on and we’ll try, one last time
I’m off the floor one more time to find you
And here we go there’s nothing left to choose
And here we go there’s nothing left to lose

So I packed my car and I headed east
Where I felt your fire and a sweet release
There’s a fire in these hills that’s coming down
And I don’t know much but I found you here
And I can not wait another year
Don’t know where you’re coming from but you’re coming soon



I can still hear the trains out my window
From Hobart Street to here in Nashville
I can still smell the pomegranates grow
And I don’t know how hard this wind will blow
Or where we’ll go…

April 29th, 2011. Career expansion-growth.

I would like to work with an organization to help 1. Optimize the organization (ie, it’s structure/order), and I would like to 2. Work directly with its people, using my skills and abilities to help individuals develop their potential…

I seek to work with an agency in helping the agency carry out its mission, values, and vision to the fullest, mobilizing resources, creating energy, and movement

I am interested in work that entails the following:

Staff trainings, team development, facilitating events, leading workshops, educating and training, facilitating personal growth, leading discussions, creating PowerPoint presentations for learning purposes,  enlisting participants feedback, raising awareness, advocating, central role in events/planning, part of a committee board, revising job duties/descriptions, able to revise/updating agency’s website, blog, twitter, and Facebook/calendar, able to create/revise organizational chart, create/develop resource guides & handbooks.

Ideal work environment: -Structured w/clear organizational chart -Ample opportunities for growth and advancement -Ample opportunities for leadership/staff development -Strong focus on personal growth (abundant travel/training opportunities) -Competitive salary w/excellent benefits -Regular staff/board/committee meetings  -Ability to work independently as well as be a part of a strong team -Work with value-minded colleagues… same mission/purpose  

Nature of ideal work…

-Nature of work involves creative, innovative problem-solving -Be able to effect change and policy -Help other employees identify their strengths and weaknesses -Help other employees identify and overcome barriers and challenges -Demonstrate and encourage leadership skills

Ideal job summary (essay): My ideal work environment would have clear guidelines and clear organization.  The environment would allow for creative problem solving and implementation.  *It is crucial that within this structured environment, there are ample opportunities for creativity, innovation, and growth/advancement. The organization would offer a competitive salary with good benefits.  The environment would consist of value/mission-driven colleagues who are passionate and committed to maintaining high levels of personal and professional integrity.

There would be minimal supervision (autonomy/freedom would be valued) but a strong focus on the team and team development.  Ample opportunities for staff development/growth, and learning would be offered. Summary of work: I need work that allows me to be innovative/develop and that’s challenging.  I greatly enjoy overcoming obstacles and barriers.  I also benefit/need a great deal of autonomy (freedom/independence) but to be a part of a strong team with a strong mission.  I would also like to be a part of council or board (committee) meetings where changes can be brainstormed and further improved.

NOT ideal work environment:

-Lack of opportunities for growth and learning -Minimal opportunities for creative problem solving -Heavy supervision (I need freedom/autonomy –minimal supervision)

The organization should be organized (external environment, as well as structurally) and things should be efficient.  Employees should be competent.  I am an idea person, and so I would like to be able to make suggestions and have those suggestions heard and taken seriously (ie, implemented).  I would love to be able to implement those changes myself eventually.  Constant growth, learning, and challenge is essential.  The worst thing is to be working a job that is not rewarding and not challenging, ie: stagnant (ie, conventional).  I would not thrive in an organization that is not open to change and constant growth/development.  I especially thrive in new agencies where programs and curriculum are being developed and there’s ample room for ideas/feedback.

In terms of work, I value:  Organization, Efficiency, Growth/Learning Opportunities, Competent Staff, Challenge, Competitive benefits.

Type of organization I am interested in working for:

Help develop leadership skills, help individuals articulate their needs and ideas, responsible for creating social and environmental change, building relationships, workshops and training sessions, planning and implementing, identifying and researching better methods, organize, carry out, projects, skill-building trainings, develop workshops, planning and implantation, project-based learning, community development, coaching/mentoring central role.

Example of a place I might work at:  Our mission is to empower, organize, individuals to become leaders, critical thinkers, develop knowledge and skills.


  • Excellent leader with vision, self-motivated, organized
  • Self-aware, Intelligent, value-driven, resourceful
  • Excellent verbal and written communication skills
  • Passion and drive to excel, critical thinker
  • Strong research and presentation skills,
  • Wpm 90, PC/MAC, MS Office Pro, willing to travel

I value:  Respect, discipline, teamwork, leadership, growth and expansion,

Personal Areas/Fields of interest:

Organizational Development Professional Development Leadership Development Project management/Project leaders­hip, Executive coaching, Consulting, Human Resources Partner

April 29th, 2011. Earthly, whole-istic, healthy living!

I love re-usable things, and I am most excited about my most recent purchase:

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The shoes appear to lambs wool around the ankle and seams.  They are super comfy and down-to earth.  I am happy with the lifestyle changes I am making, including choosing an all-organic and as much raw-food diet as possible:

I am keeping my space really minimalist, too, which frees up a lot of room for me to work creatively :)

April 29th, 2011. Stagnation and frustrations. Stifled.

I am so put off by her workaholism it makes me sick.  Everything to her is about work — “work” this, “work” that.  She doesn’t have any life outside of work.  Even I love work — ie, coaching, and  yet I am able to and maintain a balance in my life.  Balance is super important.  All of her time, energy, and focus goes to work.  It doesn’t help that there are trust issues between us either and that she has a history of cheating and history of lying to me because I honestly wonder what “work” entails sometimes.

I want to trust Erin, I really do, but I cannot get over the things that she does because she continues to do them.  Just when I start trusting Erin again she will do something else to screw it up.  Most women I have dated who have have been serial cheaters (90% of them) will profusely apologize; Erin does not.  What does that say about her?  She is remorseless.  She (quote) “does what she wants, when she wants.”  It’s fucked up.  Excuse my language, but I just feel like I am at this stand still in my life.  I am not happy, yet I don’t want to “rock the boat” so-to-speak.

I am not sure what to do… I want and need a change, yet I am afraid of change.  I wish that I could meet a beautiful young lady, yet at the same time I know that if I did I would need to get my own place, etc. and that there would be a lot of emotions involved regarding Erin and I, etc. and it would just end in disaster.  It feels as though everything has already ended in disaster.  I don’t even feel free… in that, I feel honestly extremely limited and caged.

We don’t do anything together… she is unwilling to try anything new.  I understand that I am slow to adjust to change and to make changes when it comes to certain things, but she flat out won’t even try things.  Do you know how lonely that is?  I could obviously go out and meet friends, but I am still going to be frustrated with this girl who sits at home and does nothing and just wants to watch tv all day… that’s all she does — food, bar, and tv!  I am not trying to be rude, and I guess maybe I am coming off that way.  I apologize.

I am just frustrated with her lack of willingness to try new things… I have more interests than the average person, and I like to have fun, and Erin is not open to new experiences like that.  She is certainly open to sexual experiences, but unwilling to try anything else.  Is it not stimulating enough for her?  I always fall on the back burner for her.  She’s too damn busy with “work” to balance out other things in her life, ie: family (me).  I feel frustrated and am aggravated.

I would work every day of my life to support myself and my family and to be there for my family and in her mind her work is her family.  She is obsessed with work and I cannot help but wonder, partially due to the mistrust, what the hell she does there.  She has movies on the hospitality restaurant industry where people are doing wild and crazy stuff behind closed doors — that is her sense of humor.  I am sorry, but I do not find that funny.  I do not think it is funny to have a partner and to be dating other people or flirting with other people.  I do not think it’s funny to maintain artificial highs for your own self-pleasure.

I hate how monogamy is underrated.  My distrust in this relationship is really starting to sadly coat my other relationships and life.  I am beginning to think periodically that all women are not trustworthy, which just goes to show how long I have been exposed to this “radiation” so-to-speak.  This ‘toxicity.’  I have never been someone to have my thinking “colored,” but after living with this for so long, continual let down, frustration, lies, unhappiness, etc. it really wears on you and takes its toll.

The reality is people have to want to change on their own.  Erin does not see the world the way I do and she would rather live it her way and experiment her way — with whoever, whenever she wants despite being involved with someone.  I do not share this viewpoint, and it (the value conflict) is causing a lot of distress on my body mentally and physically, yet as I said, I feel truly stuck.  Stifled.  Unable to move.

I am going to go and put my clothes away now and take care of some responsibilities.

April 27th, 2011. Reminders, impressions, sensations…

Why is it that whenever I google “heart, self-acceptance” and click on ‘images,’ every single image reminds me of Jen and I’s relationship?  Why is it that I can feel her and the energy of that relationship long after it’s “over?”  Perhaps relationships stay inside us?  Perhaps I am longing to feel connected again the way I did with her.  Perhaps I am lonely and sad that Erin and I do not have a relationship even close to this — ie, based off love (unconditional) and understanding.

I look at these images… and they are so heart-focused… they convey warmth… touch… feeling… support, not coldness and lack of emotion like I feel in Erin and I’s relationship.  I know that I shouldn’t compare, but I am deeply sad and angry.  Beneath the anger is sadness because there is a lack of connection.  She closed off from me way too early.  First she smothered me and then she closed off — and she’s always been controlling.  I don’t ‘get’ it.  I try and wrap my head around some things, but some things I just don’t and likely will never “get.”  It’s beyond me.

I miss lighting candles… having candlelit dinners… talking about what went on with our days and in our community… I miss nature… bonfires… creeks… water… kayaking, laughing, walking outdoors, noticing the leaves change.  I sit here, and I ask, “What has happened?”  I honestly question and wonder whether there was any love to begin with, as it seems so hollow and ill-defined (non-existent) in Erin and I’s relationship.  I felt, in so many ways, like the “thrill of the chase.”  She chased and then cut off once she got what she wanted and she then pursued other interests.

I wonder about my heart and my purpose often and kinship… I honestly miss, more than anything, being supported and honestly that feeling of being supported.  Why is it that some people are in touch with their hearts while others are not?  How can one be disconnected from his/her heart?  I do not get it… it baffles me… blows my mind.  Jen would cut off and close off but not in the same way as Erin who is pretty much inaccessible.  Jen would just push/pull but she could never quite “cut off,” ie: emotionally detach.  Erin becomes cold.  She dissociated or splits or something.  I hate to “psychbabalize” things, but I do not know of any other way to put it.  She is just not there… it’s like touching an empty shell…

Do you know how it feels to be human and to have your “hands and feet” (so-to-speak) “pressed up against the glass,” looking for a way in?  …saying, “Hey, I’m here,” and cries and screams down the hall only to not be heard?  This is how I have felt, and yet I have hung on, patiently, waiting for a response.  Every once in a while I will hear a response.  If this journal entry is saddening you, it is saddening me too.  I feel sadness in my chest just about now.  I want to say, “Yes, Jen, what we had was real…”  I want to, “Erin, I know you opened up, but you shut/closed off much too fast — you didn’t even allow me to get to know you.”  I think both of these women presented me with another side, but the difference is Jen still remained connected whereas with Erin as I said, she’s an empty shell and often it appears as though she and we are just going through the motions…

I felt Erin’s heart once.  I honestly felt it beating in my hand… so early on in our relationship.  I am about drowned out by now and too tired to “hold on” to that anymore, as I have tried “fishing,” attempt after attempt for far too long now.  I am simply burnt out.  Who wants to keep on trying when someone is inaccessible, to themselves and others?  Erin is counter-dependent; she fears intimacy.  As I said, Jen fears intimacy too, but she was at least assessable, and no one quite got to her like I did.  Erin says I “push her buttons” — yeah, I’ve heard that before — my lovely “mother” said the same thing, yet that’s about all I do.  She doesn’t let anyone or anything in so how could she ever experience anything more?

I miss flowers… believe it or not, I honestly think I would be elated if I received flowers right now, and I am usually not one to desire flowers — I like plants better lol  At any rate, Erin has forgotten my birthday and just about every special occasion you can imagine — no card, nothing.  I guess we hold onto what we desire.

Jen got me a rock a long time ago that said “Believe.”  I kept it in a box along with other stuff of ours, but my nasty mother threw it out just as she did with my 13-year collection of journals.  At any rate, that really showed me that Jen supported me.  My father used to give me rocks… he was an earth science teacher before I lost him to the hospitality industry… he would teach me the names of the rocks, etc.  I enjoy earthly creations.  I guess I just miss feeling the love and support of those around me.

April 27th, 2011. Influences, wishes, and desires.

There are two women who have been in my life that still hold a special place in my heart.  These women are Ashley and Jen — two very positive people.  People might ask why Jen, when she was so flaky and unreliable, and to tell you the truth, despite her inconsistency, contradictions, back and forth, push/pull behavior, she was in love with life and it was contagious.

Ashley shared this joy, but with the reliability piece :P  Both of these women nevertheless helped shape my life, and I thank them for it.  I miss them both dearly.  I think they, or Jen rather thought I was too “emotional” for her tastes.  Jen would always joke with me and say we were so “different” (quote) — that we just “looked at things differently” — Amanda said the same thing to me.  Jen and Amanda were supposed “Sensors” in the mbti — as opposed to the “Intuitive” I am, so of course we looked at things differently!

At any rate, their energy for life really rubbed off on me, and the positivity was really healthy.  I have been surrounded by negativity for far too long — I am depressed and feel like I have reached the end.  I feel stagnated and entirely devoid of trust.  I really want my life to turn upside down — for fate to change, for the better.  I need an opportunity — a shift, for my perspective, etc. to change so that I can be joyous and free again.  I am not sure how I let these prison gates define me?

How have I imprisoned myself?  In what ways?  I long to break free, out of this shell and launch into a new life.  I guess the choice starts with me.  Why am I so afraid?  — to take risks?  What do I need that will enable me to do this?  How can this misery end and construction be discovered?  I want to rejoice in life, not dread it.  I feel like I’m breathing in pollution — the “air ways” literally and figuratively are being polluted, and I can’t breathe… I am choking.  I am exhausted.  Sleepless nights get the best of me.  I have insomnia.  I have nightmares.

I miss poetry, music, lights, art, friends, laughter, camping, bicycling, rollerblading, doing fun stuff — things that Erin and I do not have in common and that she refuses to even try.  Her closed-off ness and unwillingness I cannot change — God bless her for the suffering she experiences.  I try my best to always stay open — I think I have done well.  I have remained vulnerable and open to learning (Jen was perhaps one of the only people I have ever dated to have opened up my heart to love and unconditional self-regard and acceptance)

and sharing and trying — perhaps too open in that regard.  At any rate, I have tried, successfully to keep my guard down and to rid the “iron gate,” which permeated my soul and spirit for far too long.

I think we limit ourselves; little do we — I in this case, realize all the choices

we have — the vast array.  There is “life” here.  Perhaps I need to open my eyes… to release… to surrender… to something greater…

to know that I can overcome this difficulty and triumph.  Somewhere, I think to myself, there has to be integrity… a soul that cares, a person that is real, a lover who is consistent — but wait, it must first start with myself.  Am I being consistent?  Am I being honest with myself?  Am I lying and deluding myself into believing there’s something “there” when there’s not — that she — Erin is the right person for me?

We all know she is not.  Correction:  I know that she is not, yet we try, because why?  Because we “want” it to work?  Two people need to surrender.  How different are we, I ask?  Are we worlds apart?  …far, few, and in-between?  Does she respect and appreciate my sensitive nature?  I am a poet, a lover, nurturing… I am loving, and strong.  I am devoted, protective — can you stand for this?  I think we missed our mark.  I was not the chosen.

It escapes me.  I let you fall through my fingertips.  Here’s an idea for you:  Don’t let go of that which you treasure; it will only burn and bury you.  Be honest with yourself and your motivations, your intentions, your feelings — stay true to all you know.  Do not compromise your values or allow yourself to drink or thirst for something that does not serve you.  You will die and be left unchosen.  I never wanted to be alone in and with this, and perhaps I never was — perhaps this entire time I had God on my side but could not see — too wrapped up, caught-up in the lesser problems of my life, the trivial matters to see.  But all along, he (the “God” of my understanding) has been there.  My eyes have just been shut…

Prayer:  Please crack them open so that I can see.

God, make yourself known to me.  Seen, heard, and felt.

April 27th, 2011. Innocence and purity.

Why is it that innocence dissipates as people grow older?  I cannot tell you how often I witness this… where relationships are tainted… they’re full of comparisons, expectations, demands, etc.  Every GLBTQ (queer) event I go to everyone has “been” with everyone and everyone is talking dirty… I hate it.  I honestly wonder if the innocence exists anymore, anywhere?

I dream of a love where it is like brand new… where, yes, we’ve had past lovers, but those relationships are no longer baggage for us — where the ego has been removed and exists something spiritual — where comparisons are non-existent and we are just in the moment, together, fully surrendered.  I know I am not “dreaming.”  I know this is possible because I am this way… in that I have retained the innocence…

Perhaps I am being vague… It’s hard to describe, and I may not be able to until I have been out more and experienced more, yet being out more just seeks to disappoint me as I witness more of it.  I do not even relate to the gay community.  Not here anyway… much less in Indianapolis, the closest city to where I grew up, etc.  I think I am a different kind of “gay” person.  I don’t have that crude rawness.  I am not into joking about how many bitches I’ve “banged,” strip clubs I’ve gone to (none by the way), etc.

The “innocence” I am describing is more than just this… I cannot articulate it at the moment.  The best advice I can give is to google “Tarot card 17 the Star” — that is my card.  Here is a description of it:

Star – Tarot Card Meaning:

The star represents the confidence of youth. The young girl is innocent in life, full of hope and inspiration. She is in anticipation of what will be. Want to find (or regain) a sense of meaning, inspiration, or purpose to your life and hope your future will be better than your past. It’s the call of destiny that motivates you or compels you to go on. Your desire is NOT in vain, and that which you are yearning for will ultimately find fulfilment.

Courage, hope, and inspiration are in your life. Great love will be given and received. Wisdom, spiritual enlightenment, progress toward goals and knowing what these goals are.

-Biddy Tarot.

Basically it’s about pureness… renewal… innocence… looking at things with an open-ended curiosity and freshnessI long to have this connection with someone… and I must say that it’s rare.  ie, selflessness, honesty… truth.  Revealingness.  Vulnerability.  Willingness — These are things I would die for… to have.  I often speak in my poems of missing the “life” I never had.  “Too many years wasted” — it’s a shame.  My [trust] has been broken, and I need to surrender to something — perhaps spirit?  My tendency is to surrender to another and then I am devastated.

Trust is rare and is a precious gift… it should not be underestimated.  I want to meet other beautiful, innocent souls like myself — people who care, people who are genuine.  I miss that freedom.  My ex Jen, despite all of our troubles and ups and downs with her alcohol issues, had this innocence I speak of… it was young and pure… a natural curiosity about the world and an untainted body.  We shared a connection that no one could take away or defy.  When she was not drinking and we were “connected” it was there.  I could feel her.  She was open, open to learning and experiencing, to life.

Erin is closed off.  I am now closed off.  I try to open up, but inside I feel like a shriveled up grapeThe spark, the inspirational — all has died.  I don’t write as much anymore, I don’t do photography… or make art like I used to, or listen to music the way I used to… I don’t even go to concerts.  I don’t enjoy parks.  I am depressed and lonely.  I am disconnected from my, the spiritual source — the very thing that feeds and nourishes a soul/spirit.

I will end with saying, there isn’t any truth in a lieMust we die twice before we’re officially dead?  And only then can we be resurrected, “born again?”  Faith, my card — The Star.  May she rebirth…

April 27th, 2011. Lifehouse- From where you are.

While driving through the dim city-streets about 20 minutes outside of the city with my best friend (in my heart) …

“From Where You Are” — Lifehouse.

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you

So far away from where you are
I’m standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

April 27th, 2011. An intuitive’s mind/business endeavors.

On an errand Erin and I were making last night, while driving, and passing between some not-so-good neighborhoods, at night with only street-lights to light the way, I for some reason thought of Ashley.  She crossed my mind, and I thought to myself, or rather felt — perhaps both, “I would be okay living in this ghetto (if I had to) as long as I had someone to love, someone who I knew cared, someone to compliment me, someone who shares my spirit, ie: Ashley.”  Obviously, literally-speaking I do not want to live in a ghetto and never would, but I guess my point was that I could if I was happy in love.  I could work every day of my life and just live for that… to go home to the woman I cherish.

I can’t describe the warmth I felt in my momentary “imagination,” driving in the dark after a huge fight with Erin where she’s calling me names — every name in the book.  I cannot help but imagine the warmth, the care, concern, and support.  I would die twice to have a woman who loved me, who was supportive of my interests, who’s respectful of me, and who shows the time.

You know, I told myself yesterday that I will be okay being with Erin, or someone like Erin, who does not have all of the same interests as me.  That’s what friends are for, right?  Hopefully I am not in denial by saying that.  It is not always that I have clarity.  In Vermont I had clarity 90% of the time, but here in the city I simply cannot hear the call.  I am not grounded here and find it very hard to really sit still and listen.

I am trying to figure out what it is that I want to do work-wise in addition to coaching.  I need to do something more because working solo isn’t cutting it for me.  I would like to work for and with a business to help move things and get the ball rolling… I am interested in knowing what the vision and mission is and realigning things to meet it.  I would like to be able to try out and experiment with different approaches to “make it happen.”  I am interested in improving.  I would like to work with the structure — to improve it and its efficiency and work directly with its people to train, educate, reward, etc.  I am a systems — both persons and people person!  I am wondering if business development may be of interest to me.

I am talking with an individual today at 1PM who knows all about this stuff and he’s going to give me some pointers — he is also a life coach and pretty credible.  I too need to somehow establish some credibility — someway, somehow.

April 26th, 2011. Scared and alone. Would rather die than live this way.

I did not get much accomplished today at all… I made some phone calls to business owners and to my school to try and get some direction on which career path to pursue that will enable me to enjoy what I do.  I am scared to death right now because Erin and I just had a huge blow up, and I am embarrassed to even post this.  It is insanity for me to think that things have or will change.  She didn’t answer her phone today for over an hour while working and her story changed twice.  She told me she went to the bank and was there for a “half” hour.  Later she said that she just got some ten’s for her drawer… I hate to say it, but it does not take a “half hour” (quote) to get ten’s for her drawer, and that still doesn’t account for the other 45 minutes.  She told me lost her phone and called me from her work twice and I do not have a single call from her work on my phone.  She then told me didn’t call at “all” because she was “in a hurry” (quote), completely contradicting herself.  I texted and called her more times than I can even count and she did not respond once.

Erin does not go anywhere without her phone.  The other day she had me bring her pants to her work because her pants were splitting.  I did.  I stayed at her work out in the common area that day and did some coaching sessions.  I walked up to her booth to surprise her and there was a girl there who was acting really funny with her… I almost thought they knew each other or something… Erin gave the girl a discount and the girl said, “That’s so sweet of you…”  The girl then asked Erin for her name, and flirtatiously smiled and said “Thank you” and looked back at her while walking away… Erin looked at me and acted shocked and surprised.  I said, “What was that all about?”  She said, “I have no clue…”  Erin then fed me some line about how she told the girl to save her 20 cents etc. so she could get to the last two customers.  It’s a long story, and I don’t want to get stuck in the details, but I basically about broke up with Erin at this point because I had had and seen enough.

The simple fact remains I do not trust her, and I am living with this every day.  Some days are good, some days are bad.  I never know what to expect.  She is unpredictable and inconsistent and yet I cannot seem to walk away.  I feel trapped, especially now since I do not have a car.  I am in this crazy situation and too emotionally wrapped up to walk away.  I feel sick to my stomach.  Today I thought about how I’d rather be dead than live with this… today was probably the worst day I’ve experienced in a long time, and I haven’t thought these thoughts in a while.  I am usually a pretty optimistic person, and so it’s pretty bad when I experience this.

I feel like my life is once again (like last summer) spinning downward into a hole.  I am sitting here and reminiscing about the past and all of the “lovers” I have had that were deeply troubled and disturbed, ie:  Annie, Katey… and I am in shock at how things ever came to this.  I am seriously beginning to question and doubt myself and my own decisions.  I am afraid for my life and afraid I will never have “normal” relationships again.  I am afraid that the early relationship I had with my mother has ruined my life.  I am now, whether I like it or not, attracted to really screwed up people with a lot of psychological problems.  I am tired of the baggage and very afraid.  I do not know how to move on with my life and it’s eating away at my self-esteem…

This relationship has caused me to lose my mind.  I feel like all the life has been drained from me a long time ago and I am just a zombie… I have not felt safe with Erin, Annie, or Katey, as they all had some major psychological issues and addictions – sex and drugs.  I am wanting to pick up the pieces to my life and am sick.  I am so afraid that when I feel like this I want to honestly check myself into a hospital.  I have no one to reach out to me, no friends here… I am too afraid to get out and meet people… I have tried… I am a 30 minute subway ride away from the nearest college campus… without a car, which I don’t regret, but I am now limited to just my feet.

I would die twice right now to have an old close friend help me out, but unfortunately we’ve all gone our own ways, and I am on my own… people have given up on me because they’ve given up on themselves… and maybe I too have given up on my-self.  I do not feel supported, loved, or nurtured in any way.  I keep choosing partners who are not right for me and who are unavailable.  I do not expect them to make me happy I don’t think… I just want someone that shares similar values and interests.  I feel disconnected from God.  I am ready to die.

I felt connected in Vermont, but even then, I lost myself when I started dating Erin, and things haven’t been the same since.  She tore me apart and isolated me from friends and family.  She never supported my endeavors and was clearly jealous, ie: of me going into business for myself, etc., of me having friends, etc. — everything threatened her.  She pressured me — to move in with me, threatening if I didn’t she would “replace” me with someone else, etc., threatening this, that, etc.

I need help.

April 25th, 2011. Loneliness and tough times (insecurities).

As of April 22nd Erin and I have decided to get “involved” again.  This is probably the biggest mistake ever.  I am currently at Erin’s work because she told me to come and bring her clean pants since her’s ripped, and it’s an absolute nightmare.  A huge public area like this is a breeding ground for cheaters — an absolute playground.  I am angry at myself for trusting her.  The fact is, I don’t trust her; I am just being forgiving and naive again.  I am not in a good mood right now.  I am hot and miserable.  It is 85 degrees today, smoldering and sunny, and I am highly uncomfortable — physically and emotionally.  I have been watching people come and go at Erin’s workplace, and it’s honestly, as I said, a playground for a cheater.

I hate that she’s obsessed with work, and I hate that our line of work is so different.  I am angry at myself for ever coming to this stupid city.  I am feeling really negative right now.  I am angry that my more introverted, creative qualities are not appreciated, much less shared with any local like-minded people.  I am angry that I cannot find like-minded people here, and that I am just on the back-burner with Erin.  I don’t mean anything to her, and lets face it, we’re not “right” for each other no matter how hard we try.  I am so angry right now I could cry.  I think more than anything I am sad because of her experimental and unethical behavior.  I am angry at her for her tendencies and for her lack of commitment to overcoming her problems.

She continually says she’s not going to “hurt” me, etc., and I just feel like it’s a fucking time bomb I’m awaiting.  She has every opportunity at this highly public area to meet anyone she damn near chooses from any state, region, etc. and yet I am supposed to trust her?  You have to be kidding.  I am just a senseless joke to her.  I am really sad and angry and not happy right now.  Life just seems pointless.  I will be honest, I am not happy here and with my life right now.  I do not even know what’s going on with my lyme disease… my test results for babesia and bartonella from Quest came back negative… apparently though IGENIX thinks I have lyme.  I obviously have something because I am losing my freakin’ hair and my nails won’t grow anymore, etc.

My thyroid results are showing that there’s digression, and I am not sure why because I take the thyroid medication to make my thyroid think it’s working every day.  I weigh 120 lbs and am tired some day and others super energetic.  I do not know what’s going on.  My physical health issues are driving me nuts.  I am sick of everyone.  Sick of all of these people who do not care and all of this ignorance.  I feel so alone here and once again surrounded by people who do not care.  There are loud noises, pollution, yelling, Rick doesn’t want the air conditioners in, yet I received 3 phone calls today alone, excluding emails, from people saying they’re interested in an air condition I am selling for Rick because it’s hot enough for one!  The house smells, the bikes have to sit in the back yard and collect rust and fade and be wheeled through dog shit with huge flies on swarming on and around it that come inside the house right through our kitchen door.

I am just so tired of this shit, lack of quality, life and having to worry every day about Erin cheating, knotting up my shoulder muscles.  She doesn’t give a rat’s ass as she has her way in this public arena doing “whatever the hell she pleases” as she so beautifully puts it.  I would go on a dating site and look for another relationship, but I don’t even trust my ability to attract a sane person anymore.  I seem to have my ‘professional’ life together, but that’s about it — all my relationships seem to be dysfunctional and in shambles.  I am just not happy.  I was happier in Vermont, yet it was time for a change.  Now here I am, and I don’t know what to do.

I have looked into many options, ie: teaching in South Korea, etc. but what I want to do is coaching — full time, and I want to build my practice, but how can I do that in these conditions?  I feel trapped… I am lonely and sad and need support once again.  I don’t think I will ever step foot in Alanon again, as the program virtually keeps you dependent on the person you are trying to break away from, as they preach over and over, “Just ‘detach.'”  I am sorry, but I do not want to hear that and make my problem worse when I am going somewhere for help, health, and empowerment!

I am about to honestly just shut off from the world, and I can only imagine that’s not much healthier either… yet this whole situation just seems so hopeless… I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve felt the fire and lived passionately.  —Vermont, before Erin, before Annie, before crazy fucked up Katey.  I think I was the happiest when I first moved to Vermont before Katey started getting involved with porn on Craigslist and when I lived alone and single for 5 months in the spring and summer of 2008.

None of it matters anymore.  I am alone.  There isn’t anyone to reach out to.  I cannot trust the very person I am close to, and Rick doesn’t do anything but control the house and everyone else.  He didn’t even awknowledge my birthday like my own mother who said she sent me a card and never did.  She sent me a card late after I had told her 3 times that I never received anything… the only person who awknowledged my damn birthday was Jen, my ex, and she’s flaky and unreliable… she can’t stay in one place for too long.  She’s always in and out…

Three words:  I am alone.

April 25th, 2011. Coaching session today! Dream with Judy…

I have a coaching session in one hour.  Anyway, I wanted to share a song.  I had a dream last night that my mother was dominating and overtaking my life.  I was in school in a dream, and she was questioning me and completely undermining me.  She did not believe what I said and so she went to my teacher, and I was really embarrassed.  She didn’t even believe the teacher.  Anyway, I felt overwhelmed, and when I woke up, this song came to my mind…

“Starless” by Crossfade.

If only you could watch me fall
I cannot feel it anymore
The soul you cut the soul you adore
Cannot feel you anymore
Cause you’ve run through me with destructive force
I think somehow I gotta get it straight
I gotta get you out of me
But I cannot get through to you

See me I’m down and I get deeper with every breath
See me I’m over the edge farther with every step
See me I’m down and I get deeper with every breath
Standing over the edge I’m taking my last breath

How I feel like I’m starless
I’m ready to fade now
And how I feel like I’m starless
I’m hopeless and grayed out
Somehow I feel like I’m starless
I’m ready to fade now
And now I feel like I’m starless
I’m ready to burn out

I can transcend you and mentally bend you
But I can’t handle the shit that I’m into
I have been blinded and always reminded
Of the things I’ve wanted but I never could find
I am a part of a world that I hate I wish the
End would come faster my world’s a disaster
Can’t you see that I’m down and I’m drowning
And I can’t keep my head above my wake

I gotta get you out of my veins
I gotta get you out of my blood
I gotta get you out of my scene
I gotta get you out of me

What I’m really trying hard to get down to words
Is the way I fit into this world
Things I survived pushed me to the darker side
Because of life as it was the life that was yours
Should have been mine
But I never could take anymore of this
Cause I’m always gonna get down to the floor
It’s a cold gun that I kiss
‘Cause I cannot break anymore

Somehow I feel like I’m starless
I’m ready to fade now
That’s how I feel when I’m starless
I’m hopeless and grayed out
Somehow I feel like I’m starless
I’m ready to burn out oh
Now I’m starless

April 24th, 2011. MMS/Life Update.

I have still been taking MMS 2 drops per day per hour now since April 11th.  The last few days I have been having joint-pain in my hand/fingers.  I was symptom-free for 10 days.  Granted, the past 3 days I have been thrown completely off schedule and have been eating unhealthy.  I plan to get back to the “basics” so-to-speak, ie: healthy structure/routine tomorrow.  I am speculating that there may be a correlation between my symptoms and junk food, but I will not be able to determine this until more time has gone by.

My current weight is 120.  It fluctuates between 118 and 122.  I am satisfied with my weight.  I would like to eventually incorporate some light exercise into my routine.  I already walk a few times a week, and I am in the process of trying to build a bicycle.  I plan to take the bicycle to the shore and ride along the boardwalk.  I am a bit hesitant about riding in the city.  Note:  I have not ridden a bicycle since age 11 or 12.  I am excited, but wary!  I do not like the idea of riding in the street with cars and would rather ride on the sidewalk, however, it’s illegal.

I am having my period and it’s really heavy.  I am crampy and miserable today.  It is over 80 degrees outside — it went from being cold, rainy and dreary to sunny and sizzling.  I would much rather live somewhere where the weather is in the 70’s all year long.  I hate the extreme hot and too much sun, and I think I’d rather be ice cold than hot.  My skin burns easily.

I am tired today.  As I said, my schedule has been off.  I had someone over here working on some bikes I have for sale and the work took twice as long as expected and so I did not get to sleep until 2AM.  My schedule calls for me to be asleep by 11PM.  As I stated earlier, I will attempt to resume my structure tomorrow.  I am currently working on (juggling) multiple “projects,” ie:  bikes, books, networking opportunities, play, etc.  I am most interested in building a life for myself.

The MMS is starting to taste bad.  I am not sure if it’s because it has been used a lot now and/or has sat near the sun/warm temperature, etc., but it’s starting to become repulsive.  I am taking 1 to 2 drops intermittently.  I am trying to tell myself it’s just “lemon juice,” but it’s beginning to leave an immediate bad aftertaste in my mouth.  I tried mixing it with pomegranate juice without “added” vitamin C and it turns out pomo is an antioxidant so it’s not allowed because it deactivates the MMS!  I ordered Jim Humble’s book on MMS from an Amazon bookseller and the book has not arrived, nor has my other Lyme book shipped via Amazon fulfillment.  I am very frustrated and am going to have to call them tomorrow.  Both items stated they were delivered…

Light, efficient, quality, aesthetic bike is what I am looking for — basically what I look for in everything.  ie, portable, quality, aesthetic.  I am fortunately not having any regrets about ridding the car — so far it seems to be working out; the winter may be another story.  At any rate, I am again just working on building self-sufficiency.  I will be going to some networking events soon for professionals.  I first have to get my hands on some professional attire, ie: white button-down blouse and trousers, although it has been brought to my attention that a blouse I already have can be taken to a tailor and adjusted.

I am going to chill out now, listen to some music, look at some pictures, and eat lunch.  I will then likely hop in the shower to help soothe my cramps and then go upstairs and relax.  I want to go outside but it’s entirely too hot.  Unfortunately this is how Philadelphia is most all the time between April and September.  Blah.  I just want to keep the focus on becoming self-sufficient so that I can live out my values and vision.  I will keep persisting.