April 25th, 2011. Loneliness and tough times (insecurities).

As of April 22nd Erin and I have decided to get “involved” again.  This is probably the biggest mistake ever.  I am currently at Erin’s work because she told me to come and bring her clean pants since her’s ripped, and it’s an absolute nightmare.  A huge public area like this is a breeding ground for cheaters — an absolute playground.  I am angry at myself for trusting her.  The fact is, I don’t trust her; I am just being forgiving and naive again.  I am not in a good mood right now.  I am hot and miserable.  It is 85 degrees today, smoldering and sunny, and I am highly uncomfortable — physically and emotionally.  I have been watching people come and go at Erin’s workplace, and it’s honestly, as I said, a playground for a cheater.

I hate that she’s obsessed with work, and I hate that our line of work is so different.  I am angry at myself for ever coming to this stupid city.  I am feeling really negative right now.  I am angry that my more introverted, creative qualities are not appreciated, much less shared with any local like-minded people.  I am angry that I cannot find like-minded people here, and that I am just on the back-burner with Erin.  I don’t mean anything to her, and lets face it, we’re not “right” for each other no matter how hard we try.  I am so angry right now I could cry.  I think more than anything I am sad because of her experimental and unethical behavior.  I am angry at her for her tendencies and for her lack of commitment to overcoming her problems.

She continually says she’s not going to “hurt” me, etc., and I just feel like it’s a fucking time bomb I’m awaiting.  She has every opportunity at this highly public area to meet anyone she damn near chooses from any state, region, etc. and yet I am supposed to trust her?  You have to be kidding.  I am just a senseless joke to her.  I am really sad and angry and not happy right now.  Life just seems pointless.  I will be honest, I am not happy here and with my life right now.  I do not even know what’s going on with my lyme disease… my test results for babesia and bartonella from Quest came back negative… apparently though IGENIX thinks I have lyme.  I obviously have something because I am losing my freakin’ hair and my nails won’t grow anymore, etc.

My thyroid results are showing that there’s digression, and I am not sure why because I take the thyroid medication to make my thyroid think it’s working every day.  I weigh 120 lbs and am tired some day and others super energetic.  I do not know what’s going on.  My physical health issues are driving me nuts.  I am sick of everyone.  Sick of all of these people who do not care and all of this ignorance.  I feel so alone here and once again surrounded by people who do not care.  There are loud noises, pollution, yelling, Rick doesn’t want the air conditioners in, yet I received 3 phone calls today alone, excluding emails, from people saying they’re interested in an air condition I am selling for Rick because it’s hot enough for one!  The house smells, the bikes have to sit in the back yard and collect rust and fade and be wheeled through dog shit with huge flies on swarming on and around it that come inside the house right through our kitchen door.

I am just so tired of this shit, lack of quality, life and having to worry every day about Erin cheating, knotting up my shoulder muscles.  She doesn’t give a rat’s ass as she has her way in this public arena doing “whatever the hell she pleases” as she so beautifully puts it.  I would go on a dating site and look for another relationship, but I don’t even trust my ability to attract a sane person anymore.  I seem to have my ‘professional’ life together, but that’s about it — all my relationships seem to be dysfunctional and in shambles.  I am just not happy.  I was happier in Vermont, yet it was time for a change.  Now here I am, and I don’t know what to do.

I have looked into many options, ie: teaching in South Korea, etc. but what I want to do is coaching — full time, and I want to build my practice, but how can I do that in these conditions?  I feel trapped… I am lonely and sad and need support once again.  I don’t think I will ever step foot in Alanon again, as the program virtually keeps you dependent on the person you are trying to break away from, as they preach over and over, “Just ‘detach.'”  I am sorry, but I do not want to hear that and make my problem worse when I am going somewhere for help, health, and empowerment!

I am about to honestly just shut off from the world, and I can only imagine that’s not much healthier either… yet this whole situation just seems so hopeless… I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve felt the fire and lived passionately.  —Vermont, before Erin, before Annie, before crazy fucked up Katey.  I think I was the happiest when I first moved to Vermont before Katey started getting involved with porn on Craigslist and when I lived alone and single for 5 months in the spring and summer of 2008.

None of it matters anymore.  I am alone.  There isn’t anyone to reach out to.  I cannot trust the very person I am close to, and Rick doesn’t do anything but control the house and everyone else.  He didn’t even awknowledge my birthday like my own mother who said she sent me a card and never did.  She sent me a card late after I had told her 3 times that I never received anything… the only person who awknowledged my damn birthday was Jen, my ex, and she’s flaky and unreliable… she can’t stay in one place for too long.  She’s always in and out…

Three words:  I am alone.

3 comments on “April 25th, 2011. Loneliness and tough times (insecurities).

  1. Jose says:

    Hope things get better. I don’t know all the details in your situation, but it sounds like your hope and happiness is based on things that are letting you down. If you need to talk just shoot me an email.

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