April 27th, 2011. Influences, wishes, and desires.


There are two women who have been in my life that still hold a special place in my heart.  These women are Ashley and Jen — two very positive people.  People might ask why Jen, when she was so flaky and unreliable, and to tell you the truth, despite her inconsistency, contradictions, back and forth, push/pull behavior, she was in love with life and it was contagious.

Ashley shared this joy, but with the reliability piece :P  Both of these women nevertheless helped shape my life, and I thank them for it.  I miss them both dearly.  I think they, or Jen rather thought I was too “emotional” for her tastes.  Jen would always joke with me and say we were so “different” (quote) — that we just “looked at things differently” — Amanda said the same thing to me.  Jen and Amanda were supposed “Sensors” in the mbti — as opposed to the “Intuitive” I am, so of course we looked at things differently!

At any rate, their energy for life really rubbed off on me, and the positivity was really healthy.  I have been surrounded by negativity for far too long — I am depressed and feel like I have reached the end.  I feel stagnated and entirely devoid of trust.  I really want my life to turn upside down — for fate to change, for the better.  I need an opportunity — a shift, for my perspective, etc. to change so that I can be joyous and free again.  I am not sure how I let these prison gates define me?

How have I imprisoned myself?  In what ways?  I long to break free, out of this shell and launch into a new life.  I guess the choice starts with me.  Why am I so afraid?  — to take risks?  What do I need that will enable me to do this?  How can this misery end and construction be discovered?  I want to rejoice in life, not dread it.  I feel like I’m breathing in pollution — the “air ways” literally and figuratively are being polluted, and I can’t breathe… I am choking.  I am exhausted.  Sleepless nights get the best of me.  I have insomnia.  I have nightmares.

I miss poetry, music, lights, art, friends, laughter, camping, bicycling, rollerblading, doing fun stuff — things that Erin and I do not have in common and that she refuses to even try.  Her closed-off ness and unwillingness I cannot change — God bless her for the suffering she experiences.  I try my best to always stay open — I think I have done well.  I have remained vulnerable and open to learning (Jen was perhaps one of the only people I have ever dated to have opened up my heart to love and unconditional self-regard and acceptance)

and sharing and trying — perhaps too open in that regard.  At any rate, I have tried, successfully to keep my guard down and to rid the “iron gate,” which permeated my soul and spirit for far too long.


I think we limit ourselves; little do we — I in this case, realize all the choices

we have — the vast array.  There is “life” here.  Perhaps I need to open my eyes… to release… to surrender… to something greater…

to know that I can overcome this difficulty and triumph.  Somewhere, I think to myself, there has to be integrity… a soul that cares, a person that is real, a lover who is consistent — but wait, it must first start with myself.  Am I being consistent?  Am I being honest with myself?  Am I lying and deluding myself into believing there’s something “there” when there’s not — that she — Erin is the right person for me?

We all know she is not.  Correction:  I know that she is not, yet we try, because why?  Because we “want” it to work?  Two people need to surrender.  How different are we, I ask?  Are we worlds apart?  …far, few, and in-between?  Does she respect and appreciate my sensitive nature?  I am a poet, a lover, nurturing… I am loving, and strong.  I am devoted, protective — can you stand for this?  I think we missed our mark.  I was not the chosen.

It escapes me.  I let you fall through my fingertips.  Here’s an idea for you:  Don’t let go of that which you treasure; it will only burn and bury you.  Be honest with yourself and your motivations, your intentions, your feelings — stay true to all you know.  Do not compromise your values or allow yourself to drink or thirst for something that does not serve you.  You will die and be left unchosen.  I never wanted to be alone in and with this, and perhaps I never was — perhaps this entire time I had God on my side but could not see — too wrapped up, caught-up in the lesser problems of my life, the trivial matters to see.  But all along, he (the “God” of my understanding) has been there.  My eyes have just been shut…

Prayer:  Please crack them open so that I can see.

God, make yourself known to me.  Seen, heard, and felt.

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