April 29th, 2011. Stagnation and frustrations. Stifled.


I am so put off by her workaholism it makes me sick.  Everything to her is about work — “work” this, “work” that.  She doesn’t have any life outside of work.  Even I love work — ie, coaching, and  yet I am able to and maintain a balance in my life.  Balance is super important.  All of her time, energy, and focus goes to work.  It doesn’t help that there are trust issues between us either and that she has a history of cheating and history of lying to me because I honestly wonder what “work” entails sometimes.

I want to trust Erin, I really do, but I cannot get over the things that she does because she continues to do them.  Just when I start trusting Erin again she will do something else to screw it up.  Most women I have dated who have have been serial cheaters (90% of them) will profusely apologize; Erin does not.  What does that say about her?  She is remorseless.  She (quote) “does what she wants, when she wants.”  It’s fucked up.  Excuse my language, but I just feel like I am at this stand still in my life.  I am not happy, yet I don’t want to “rock the boat” so-to-speak.

I am not sure what to do… I want and need a change, yet I am afraid of change.  I wish that I could meet a beautiful young lady, yet at the same time I know that if I did I would need to get my own place, etc. and that there would be a lot of emotions involved regarding Erin and I, etc. and it would just end in disaster.  It feels as though everything has already ended in disaster.  I don’t even feel free… in that, I feel honestly extremely limited and caged.

We don’t do anything together… she is unwilling to try anything new.  I understand that I am slow to adjust to change and to make changes when it comes to certain things, but she flat out won’t even try things.  Do you know how lonely that is?  I could obviously go out and meet friends, but I am still going to be frustrated with this girl who sits at home and does nothing and just wants to watch tv all day… that’s all she does — food, bar, and tv!  I am not trying to be rude, and I guess maybe I am coming off that way.  I apologize.

I am just frustrated with her lack of willingness to try new things… I have more interests than the average person, and I like to have fun, and Erin is not open to new experiences like that.  She is certainly open to sexual experiences, but unwilling to try anything else.  Is it not stimulating enough for her?  I always fall on the back burner for her.  She’s too damn busy with “work” to balance out other things in her life, ie: family (me).  I feel frustrated and am aggravated.

I would work every day of my life to support myself and my family and to be there for my family and in her mind her work is her family.  She is obsessed with work and I cannot help but wonder, partially due to the mistrust, what the hell she does there.  She has movies on the hospitality restaurant industry where people are doing wild and crazy stuff behind closed doors — that is her sense of humor.  I am sorry, but I do not find that funny.  I do not think it is funny to have a partner and to be dating other people or flirting with other people.  I do not think it’s funny to maintain artificial highs for your own self-pleasure.

I hate how monogamy is underrated.  My distrust in this relationship is really starting to sadly coat my other relationships and life.  I am beginning to think periodically that all women are not trustworthy, which just goes to show how long I have been exposed to this “radiation” so-to-speak.  This ‘toxicity.’  I have never been someone to have my thinking “colored,” but after living with this for so long, continual let down, frustration, lies, unhappiness, etc. it really wears on you and takes its toll.

The reality is people have to want to change on their own.  Erin does not see the world the way I do and she would rather live it her way and experiment her way — with whoever, whenever she wants despite being involved with someone.  I do not share this viewpoint, and it (the value conflict) is causing a lot of distress on my body mentally and physically, yet as I said, I feel truly stuck.  Stifled.  Unable to move.

I am going to go and put my clothes away now and take care of some responsibilities.

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