May 30th, 2011. Transition.


I am psychologically enmeshed, and I have been involved with an entire family of narcissists.  I am sure that there is a lesson in all of this, which will make itself known to me.

I lost my father when I was 19 and perhaps never quite recovered from the loss, because since, I have sought out the “security” of this loss through unhealthy relationships with addicted and psychologically disturbed individuals.  They have sucked the life out of me, and now I am about to be free though I am dreading what’s on the other “side” — the “light” more than anything, and it’s as though I have forgotten what “life” tastes like.

I cannot believe that it has been 3 years that I have been involved with Erin.  I also cannot believe that I allowed two other relationships to waste and take over (control) of my life prior to that.  I have not been happy since 2006 and have sort of been in this downward spiral of attracting nutcases.

I guess I need to be alone and grieve the many important losses — ie, my father, in my life before this destructive pattern continues.  I have hope for myself, but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel virtually numb right now I am so much in shock.  I am so lonely and sad… I feel in many ways on some level like I deserved to be treated this way, but I know that no one deserves it, and I didn’t cause it.  I am sure I played a role and enabled at points, but I was not aware of it, and it still doesn’t make abuse on someone else’s part right.

I am not even going to ask for the support of anyone right now because of the tremendous guilt I feel right now.  I feel, like usual, like this was my fault even though I know it wasn’t.  It is hard to believe that someone can love you when they treat you in such a way.  Erin would often say one thing and do another, and the things that she would say to me, ie: “Go fuck yourself,” “Go to hell,” “I will go and ‘fuck’ whoever I want,” etc. were beyond my comprehension.

I have made a very honest attempt to be honest, and I have changed and grown up a lot, and the truth is, I have just found myself in a very bad habit of destructive relationships, and I truly believe all of these — this pattern, to be linked to the unresolved grievance of my father.

I am hurting.

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May 30th, 2011. “Spin” by Lifehouse.


“Spin” –Lifehouse

I’d rather chase your shadow all my life
than be afraid of my own
I’d rather be with you
I’d rather not know
where I’ll be than be alone and convinced that I know
and the world keeps spinning round
my world’s upside down and I wouldn’t change a thing
I’ve got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you and I wouldn’t change thing
no you and I wouldn’t change a thing
everything I know has let me down
so I will just let go
let you turn me inside out
cause I know I’m not sure
about anything but you wouldn’t have it any other way
and the world keeps spinning round
my world’s upside down and I wouldn’t change a thing
I’ve got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you and I wouldn’t change thing
no you and I wouldn’t change a thing
spinning, turning, watching, burning
all my life has found its meaning
walking, crawling, climbing, falling
all my life has found its meaning
you and I wouldn’t change a thing
no you and I wouldn’t change a thing
and the world keeps spinning round
my world’s upside down and I wouldn’t change a thing
I’ve got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you and I wouldn’t change thing
no you and I wouldn’t change a thing
no you and I wouldn’t change a thing

May 25th, 2011. ISOTONIX OPC-3 for my lyme disease?


I just heard about ISOTONIX OPC-3, a powerful immune booster, and I am interested in exploring it more:

I am still taking MMS – Magical Mineral Solution for the symptoms I have been experiencing with what IGENIX believes to be “Lyme Disease,” but I am also interested in keeping my mind open to other options.

I plan to continue to take the MMS, but I just want to know what else is out there!  Next step:  Going to do some research on ISOTONIX OPC-3 taken in conjunction with MMS.

May 22nd, 2011. Untitled.


Draft

                                                [                                                  ]

They’re all plotting against me to have me kicked out (gone).  Why?  I know this because Erin told me that her dad is going to put my ‘move out’ date in writing, and I said, “So, what will it matter?” and then she proceeded to say something of a calculative nature that her mother actually calculated, or expressed an idea that a person – Rick, in this case, can mail an eviction letter to his/her home address, and it makes the letter legit, ie: legitimizes it.

 
Excuse these people??  They are plotting a ‘plan’ now to get (have) me kicked out??  Where did all of this vengeance and game-playing (animosity and misconstruction) come from?  And because I don’t want to be a ‘player’ [in the game] (referenced from an earlier journal) and never have been (one of them), I’m at fault?  That’s pretty sick and highly enmeshed (dysfunctional).

So because I don’t want to be a “player” they basically have decided they have no room (quite literally) for me?  — use, and essentially I am seen, as usual, like a target and treated inadvertently like an object – as a threat, to their egos, because I am different.  I will always face adversity – it never fails that I end up being the ‘ugly duckling,’ but in reality, I’m the swine pearl and people don’t like to be made out – direct via intention or non-directly, to feel inferior.  Simply, people do not like to be made aware and so anyone who remotely elicits this sensation will be seen automatically as a threat.

So I was right all along—you’re either “in” the game, or you’re out, and what’s sad is that people on the outside are made (given/shown) an impression that is misconstrued, yet what can they do?  …but form an opinion based off those they ‘trust,’ but who, and without proper evidence, are for all intensive purposes, wrong and incorrect in their assumption(s).  Ignorance only breeds more ignorance.  Many people choose not to discover it, much less live it out, and those who do – who walk in line with what’s right, who demonstrate irrefutable integrity, are ostracized – punished for simply being themselves.

So it’s either you’re yourself or you’re someone else, which brings me to say, I guess we choose our family, which then brings me to say (ask), “Why is it so hard to walk away from the old one?”  Patterns?  Beliefs?  Habits, ingrained?  “When there’s truth in a lie—“ When truth becomes the lie, and we tell ourselves so many just to stay, but why?  Just so we can relate?

But then we come to find there are people just like ourselves – like us, hiding – out there, some not discovered; others, like my striving self, living quiet but purposeful lives.  So I guess when we feel all alone, the truth is, we are not; it’s just about meeting those people and being comfortable with change.

My heart breaks, or maybe my soul, because I feel split between two different worlds – the one I grew up in and the one out there waiting for me – waiting to be discovered.  This search for ‘truth’ is a hard pill to swallow and to come by because it demands rigorous honesty, and I feel in so many ways, people are not ready for this, and so it hinders me, or rather defeats me.  I allow it to defeat me.

I feel like all of my life I’ve spent searching, looking for a place to call “home” and each door is just another illusion – there’s yet another way.  I cannot seem to find the key – I appear to be lost in a forest, and I can’t seem to find any faces, persons I recognize.  Those I love have left me, markedly will be my words, but the sad truth is they never loved themselves, and I know this because they haven’t developed any compassion which is evident, demonstrated via their actions, but in the end I have realized (hopeless) it doesn’t matter, because when you “Dare to be different,” the very cup Erin bought me as one of the only selfless gifts from her heart, with its message written clearly, there are consequences.

I would love to just be accepted for who I am, but unfortunately I have rarely encountered this acceptance – unconditional in nature, and I guess it “takes one to know one –“ maybe a strong person to recognize this phenomenon.  Anyway, I cannot tell you how it feels to always be taken out of your home under false ‘reasons’ – accusations, energies, dynamics that which they – the accusers themselves cannot understand.

So while they are living their lives, in their own worlds, and continuing on as they do and inevitably will, they will never know how badly their actions have hurt me.  Perhaps all – most of my life I have been left with out a choice – unaware that I had a choice, but this is a scar (wound) that I cannot fathom – digest in my gut nor heart, nor kick (overlook), because it cuts to the core, and I guess one cannot understand without having actually been in that person’s (my) shoes how it feels to always be on the outside.

There was one person in this family who understood, who actually accepted me as family, and that’s Lori, because she too, though in a different way, her ‘story’ different from my own, knows what it’s like to be on the outside, and in that way, we were the same.  We think differently – than others.

I am being pointed at and scapegoated (blamed) and forced to pay the consequence (price) of someone else’s undutiful ignorance.  This, to say the least, sadly, is not unusual for me and would certainly not be the first time that something of this nature has happened, but it doesn’t change the insuperable pain that I feel and the way it makes me feel and the profound effect it has on me.

Usually in family’s one person is made out to be the problem, and that person has always been me, because I remind people of the very thing in themselves that remains largely inaccessible, unknown to them – the conscious act of being aware and purely awake in its purest form, and it is only through control, derived from massive amounts of fear, that they can attempt to try and understand (wrap their heads around) the situation and themselves.

The preceding actions that follow, which they have not the slightest clue, which have the slightest effect on them, have the largest on those around them – in this case, myself, but they can’t see it, and I do not blame (judge) them, and so I am nevertheless the one in the end who loses yet another what “could have been” in her (my – own) mind.  The only ‘lesson’ learned here, derived from this – that I can see, feel, taste (experience) is one of profound loss – a core wound of abandonment – of having been left out in the cold a long time ago (from birth) because I don’t think many people, unless having been in the situation themselves, can know what it’s truly like having been given up at birth and handed over to another family –

— the deliberate act of a conscious refusal to take [ownership] – responsibility for one’s actions, derived from a situation that was a making/result of their own actions — and the  message that’s given – that registers in one’s unconscious mind and heart is, “I don’t want you” so it would make sense (explain) why I act (react) the way I do.

We all want to be loved and cared for and not told we’re not good enough, and when I am ostracized (scapegoated) it sends (reinforces) the message that I am not “good” enough, despite the fact that I may know (my better judgment) in my head and have a clear notion/understanding of what’s going on.

It doesn’t change the fact that I am being given up.  No ‘explaining’ could ever make one – in this case, the very people who cannot see what it is they are doing due to an obstruction of the will, or “ego” and its shadow understand that and the immense pain that results from such an action, experienced as a loss.

And I bet/sadly if they – those who are acting against me (inadvertently – out of their own repressed fear) knew all of this – What I was/am saying and implying, would likely say to themselves and respond with, “Oh, we have to let her down ‘easily—‘ she’s sensitive.”  My response:  “Save yourself the breath;” it’s the act that’s wrong and so easily misunderstood and well ‘justified,’ and you can go and get all of the reinforcement (validation, options) from the external environment – books, internet, friends, etc., but it doesn’t change the fact that I fail to be understood as an individual and that you have mistakenly overlooked the fact that you too are a part of this equation and that I am not solely to blame, but your lack of understanding or love and compassion for yourself and first-hand experience would – is making you blind to this.

I do not blame you for this.  I just wanted to be my own person and that was not understood or well tolerated and now I am having to reap/being subject to the consequences of intolerance bred by ignorance in the literal sense, and I would sit here and take the time to try and explain it and ask for forgiveness, but who would I be asking?

I would be asking yourselves – that you forgive yourselves so that some understanding, or for a lack of better words, empathy can be experienced, and note, I clearly did not say “sympathy,” but empathy – the ability to put oneself in another’s shoes and to experience with this person an understanding that we all share one thing – as humans the right to be and to the right to our feelings –to have an experience to share.  The notion that we are all but from the same species, and to know what it feels like to be ourselves, individuals.

For once I would like to be on the inside – accepted, understood, because it’s a cruel, cruel world being on the outside and experience the internal shame – judgment and hurt, of being excluded and cast out – made out to be one of “them,” when in all reality, were all the same – all capable and deserving of the same respect and trust, but we let fear uncontrollable and so often unconsciously get in the way – make[ing] these irrational decisions and we cannot see until it’s too late, or never at all, and we fail as a human race to love and accept one another [because of the love and acceptance] we lack for ourselves.

It’s a catch-22, because in the end, we make out – in thought, others to be the “problem” when it was really ourselves, but we failed to see the truth because we become – became too caught up in our own ideas, prejudices, and defenses to recognize another just like us  — and we have let fear get the best of us.

So “Dare to be different” does not stand without immense consequence, and the lesson left to learn, to be taught, is one virtually of self-acceptance.

May 19th, 2011. Tough times, still. Never-ending.


Nothing seems to be working out, and I am livid.  Erin just told me before walking out the door, “I will ‘fuck’ whoever I want.” (Quote).  I said, “Excuse you?”  I said, we are together, Erin, and then she throws out there — “I don’t WANT to be together,” and this is what she does!  She literally is back and forth, push/pull.  She is WITH me when she wants to be.  When she wants sex she will want to be with me, or 90% of the time she’s sexually anorexic meaning she will not have sex at all for months… actually, years… over an entire year went by and she would not have sex with me.  When she said “I don’t want to be with you” in one of her phases/moods, I think to myself, “Yeah, well I also didn’t want to be yelled at, cursed, emotionally cheated on, lied to, etc,” so I think the least she can do it make it right and do her part.

I am so tired of the push/pull.  When she said she will “fuck” whoever she wants I became LIVID, which is understandable.  Why?  Because I felt (feel) cheated!  I feel like I got the short end of the stick!  Just yesterday she was talking about how in (quote) “next” relationship she will know what to do and what not to do.  This came about because I had said to her (I was complaining for the 50th time) about how she keeps “saying” she’ll do x, y, and z (ie, be respectful, listen, go somewhere with me, participate, etc) and doesn’t and she made a snide comment about how she’ll be sure to do it in her “next” relationship.

Yes, I have my “girlfriend” saying this stuff to me!  Unbelievable.  The reason I don’t walk away from her is because I feel like she owes me the decency to establish trust!  I gave her myself transparently.  I gave my all, and I was honest and candid with her, and she fucking hurt me over and over — so I feel like she owes me decency!  She flaked out.  She did not commit.  She hurt, cheated, and lied — the least the girl (I say “girl,” because she does not act like a woman by any means) can do is give me what I deserve relationally.

I’m so tired of hearing her words, “I don’t ‘give’ a shit,” or “Look,” as she yells out with her hands in the air, or like today for instance at the breakfast table she made a mistake ordering some stuff for her work and so she slammed her pills down that I ad laid on the kitchen table — which is another thing — she refuses to take her pills for her supposed “bipolar” (quite frankly, I think she’s psychotic).  Anyway, she has pills for her “bipolar” and anti-anxiety pills, both which she is refusing to take, which are her responsibility to take because if she doesn’t then the lives of others are endangered!

I should not have to say to her, “Erin, did you take your medication,” and hear, “No, I forgot” every-single-day.  It is her responsibility.  I am tired of her rages, and it cannot be solely blamed on her not taking her meds.  She just told me yesterday that she doesn’t think they do a “damn” thing for her.  She’s so fucking defensive I hate it.  She’s selfish.  She just told me today that she’s an asshole.  I hate that she is sitting here pushing me away, and again, I stay, because I feel like it is my right to be treated with respect and she knows what acceptable behavior is, and I would like to see her take up her part and demonstrate it.

She is a lousy girlfriend who is not a girlfriend at all.  Here I am trying, with my heart — always, open, and yet she refuses to “be a man” so-to-speak.  She is a fucking slime ball, and again, I say this only because I know that she is capable of doing her half so we wouldn’t have to be this way.  We fight because she is selfish!  I am the one who has done the research and who is willing to work on things, to try things out, to work on myself, etc. and she refuses.  She is resistant to change and incapable of being in a monogamous relationship.

As if things couldn’t get any worse, I have some assholes pranking me now on my cell phone… It’s a bunch of guys and girls pretending to be “radio stations” and saying they’re “alcoholics” and need my help.  I am not even involved with the 12-step community… they asked me obnoxiously if I could help them with their alcohol addiction (I heard a bunch of people laughing in the background), and I said, “I’m sorry, but I am not a counselor or therapist; I’m a life coach,” and they said, “Fuck you ******” and hung up.  I am tired of being harassed.  I feel like everything in my life right now is going down hill.

Furthermore, I cannot leave this shit hole of a lifestyle until I have a steady job.  Right now I am doing coaching, yes, but I only have 1 paying client because I am not working a steady job right now so I am not “linked up,” ie: marketing, networking, etc.  I am doing what I can to market online and have offered some complimentary sessions to people, but most of those people, like everyone I am meeting, have stood me up, probably because it’s true that when you offer something for “free” it’s not taken seriously.  I basically need to only accept clients who are willing to pay for my services in order to not get yanked around.

The housing environment I am living in is controlling in every way, shape, and form, and I do not have any space to live or breathe — I do not feel supported in any way and do not have any friends that I relate to.  I have gone to several events, on average about 2 a week now, which is huge for me, and I have met several people, and only one group I bond with.  The group of people I bond with are create, mixed bag of “Highly Sensitive” persons.  It’s basically a discussion group based off a book, “The Highly Sensitive Person,” and it meets once a month in different parts of PA — not exactly that accessible.

At any rate, I bonded with the people there.  As a “Highly Sensitive” person, we are sensitive to stimuli — sound, light, noise, textures, etc.  We need things quiet, like nature, enjoy reflecting, reading, writing, etc. — have exceptional empathetic skills, psychic abilities (vary person-by-person), creative, bright, etc.  The group ranges from people ages 40-70, and I really got along with the group.  I was happy there and felt safe.  I was also engaged.  It felt good.  So yeah, peers my age I do not typically fit in with, which doesn’t mean I am not willing to try, just simply that I know what works for me.

In terms of work, I am putting myself out there, and I have not heard back from anyone.  I do not understand this phenomena, as I am a very hard worker.  I am honestly thinking that this is a time in my life that is supposed to be absolute hell (turmoil) for me.  Nothing is working and everything is failing.  There are “good” days and there are bad, and the bad far outweigh the good.  I was happy in Vermont, but quite frankly, I don’t think, or know how much geographical location should play a part in one’s happiness… I think that happiness should be and start internally.

Tonight I am going to go to this “business” networking event where there will be 150 people.  I have never been to anything like this, and I am a bit nervous and already having doubts about it.  150 people is a lot of people.  I can stand small groups, but large groups drive me nuts and are overwhelming.  The business meetup is also at a sports bar which bothers me, and I cannot help but think, “What is this world coming to?”  ie, why can’t the  meetup be at a non-smoke/alcohol place where everyone can enjoy it?

I just don’t know which path/direction to take… I want to go back to school, but I also don’t want to hide behind school, and I also think that I need to be working first before enrolling in a graduate program.  I need income.  I have only a little left in my bank account… I sold my car, which is how I have been paying for every day living, but what’s left will only hold out for so long…

All of my tarot readings keep predicting major negativity.  And no, not all tarot card readings are negative, and no, “tarot” cards (for anyone reading this) are not “satanic.”  Some people have natural gifts and abilities, and I look at the cards quite literally… they’re cards with pictures depicted on them (and no, they are not haunting images) that we project our subconscious onto and tell a story with.  They are found in the “game” section at stores.

At any rate, I am happy to have found my “people,” ie: the 40-70 year old’s, but they all live in the upper class and wealthy neighborhoods.  They have shown me around and have offered to introduce me to their friends, which is great, but it’s a good 1 hour and 30 minute bus ride each way out to their area.  I live in South Philly; they live in Mt. Airy and tons in Chestnut Hill (suburbs of Philly).  So yeah…. It is just lonesome for me right now, and I feel like my world is falling apart…

In terms of the MMS — Magical Mineral Solution… I am still taking it hour by hour.  The taste is still disgusting (this started after 6 weeks of taking it).  It seems to be working.  I am now on a higher dose of thyroid medication (MMS seems to be interfering with the absorption of the pill) which is making me feel jittery.  I was on 50 mcg of thyroid supplement before and it made me hyper (the opposite of what I am) thyroid, and I had to lower my dose to 37 mg.  If 50 is too much and 37 not enough, I will have to take matters into my own hands and do 37 one day and 50 the next, etc.

I just want things to fall in line for me; I have so much potential, and I just don’t know what’s happening… I honestly wonder if it’s fate, and am scared that I have lost something essential needed to live my life.  Which brings me to say, “What in life is really necessary?”  Maybe this is some sick lesson about my priorities… maybe all we need in life is food, shelter, clothing, friends, and God.  If that’s the case, to the hell with everything — screw work, etc.  Really though… if I can’t even find work, attract clients, friends, etc. then SOME thing in my life is not right.

I need answers.  ie, divinely answers.  God, do you want to speak to me?  Am I supposed to be going to this bar tonight, God?  …to meet other “business” people?  Is “business” even where I’m supposed to be?  “I’m a writer for god-sake,” I think to myself.  And to those readings this, I assure you I am not lost — just a little off the beaten path.  At any rate, “God, do you want to guide me on which path and direction I am supposed to take so that my life can go smoothly?”

May 18th, 2011. Some sensible relational advice.


Emily’s formula: Honesty + Respect + Communication + Dependability + Commitment = TRUST.

Once trust is established, “I love you” can be warranted, but why on earth would you say “I love you” to someone you don’t yet trust unless you’re trying to make the relationship secure?
Note: ‘Security’ is NOT based off desires and expectations! — but rather, on an establishment (foundation) of TRUST.

Confused? Saying “But…” RE-READ this.  Let it sink in until you get it!

Simply put: Saying “I love you” does not make the relationship  “secure.”

“Is my relationship really secure,” you may be wondering? Ask yourself if you have established the above — 5 principles/conditions (“Standards”). If you are uncertain about what they mean, then define them for yourself, do some research, or join in on this discussion! ♥