May 5th, 2011. Doubts, insecurities, compatibility.


I feel like Ashley did right now with Crystal… constantly frustrated and stifled, yet hopelessly holding on.  Erin brought up the song the other day “All the same” by the Sick Puppies.

She was feeling insecure.  Now I feel this way and have this song blaring through my head.  Erin basically expressed doubt in us last night while and after we were intimate.  I hate this push/pull with her.  It’s very frustrating, and she sends off mixed signals.  She is never clear with what she wants or feels especially, and I am honestly not even sure if she knows what she wants sometimes.

She said something that I have unfortunately heard many times before — “we’re ‘too different.'”  Why is it these free-spirited women keep telling me that we’re “too different?”  They are strangely attracted to me and yes, our differences, yet at the same time they long for more, someone more like themselves, ie: on the “same page?”  I don’t get it.

She says that I need to have everything planned… that I want to spend certain time together whereas she would rather be more casual and just go out and come home when she “pleases.”  Obviously, but in my eyes, things — at least for me, don’t work that way.  At least not with her, or her type of personality… I want and need consistency with her because there has been so little of it.  Not to mention, there are some MAJOR trust issues between us because of her lying to me about things.  She rationalizes and justifies her behavior.

At any rate, she wants to just be able to do “what she wants, when she wants,” and doesn’t care about the time that it will take as long as she’s having a good time.  This is great for some people, but others let the fun carry away with them and get the best of them.  I have been really “lax” so-to-speak about Erin going out before and what ends up happening is she ends up drunk and out until really late.  I will not bring up her past, but lets be honest, that concerns me, too.

At any rate, the times that she has gone “out,” she pushes for more and more.  And then she meets people, lesbians, etc. who also want to go out and share the raunchy sense of humor she has, etc. while I am at home like a family “man,” or even if I’m out with friends for the evening, but I have to worry about things.  Or nevertheless, I do worry.  Yes, I have my abandonment fears, too.  Yes, I worry about promiscuity with her.  I am not a “free-spirit” when it comes to sex, partying, and drugs.  Erin says that stuff is in her past, but there are some personality traits that do not change and are always underneath the “surface” so-to-speak.

I don’t know, maybe I am in part afraid, but that’s based off past experiences with her — over 3 years just about, and off intuition, etc.  I am really trying here to just let her do her own thing, but there is so little trust.  I am generally a very trusting and optimistic person and so when that’s gone it’s bad, but even then, I am still willing to try.  Time and time again she has shown me that she cannot follow-through on what she says.  Even when we have been unable to be “intimate” for reasons which I will not mention here for the sake of privacy, she has disregarded these serious precautions and said “To the hell with it, lets go!”  I am sorry, but when my health and so much more is put at risk, I am not just going to “go to town!”

At any rate, she feels put on a “short leash,” but in my mind, it’s a making of her own behavior.  I am not this enemy, but she feels “strangled.”  Okay… I do not know what to say to that.  She feels strangled, and I feel uninspired.  Alright, so I can find inspiration somehow via friends and local events and she can somehow get her freedom back via building trust, ie: showing dependability, which she is unable to do.  She is late all of the time, pushes to be out later, etc., and so to put it simply, I constantly feel walked on.  I need reliability and since none was formed in the beginning, it needs to happen now so I can chill out!

She wants all of these privileges after she has abused multiple ones.  When trust is betrayed multiple times, it is not just all of a sudden “better.”  There isn’t a magical solution.  You can’t just “put it ‘behind’ you.”  Trust me, we have tried that so many times… The thing is, I am willing to give her a fair chance, but it’s not enough for her — she wants to be let off the string entirely.  Erin has issues with commitment.  I have issues with trust.  Well, we both have issues with trust lol, but she trusts me.  I have not hurt her.

I want to be able to give her the freedom she desires, but I honestly wonder if we will ever achieve a fair balance.  She works herself to death and then comes home and wants to spend the entire evening by and with herself — she doesn’t want to spend time cuddling or watching a movie.  She seems to not need or desire that “intimate” time together — that time was short-lived.  I miss that closeness and connection, which lasted maybe about 2 months in the beginning of our relationship.  I am a long-term person, not short-term.  I am not just about the thrill of the “chase.”

I am going to try and cope with the doubts she expressed to me last night to the best of my ability.

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