May 22nd, 2011. Untitled.


Draft

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They’re all plotting against me to have me kicked out (gone).  Why?  I know this because Erin told me that her dad is going to put my ‘move out’ date in writing, and I said, “So, what will it matter?” and then she proceeded to say something of a calculative nature that her mother actually calculated, or expressed an idea that a person – Rick, in this case, can mail an eviction letter to his/her home address, and it makes the letter legit, ie: legitimizes it.

 
Excuse these people??  They are plotting a ‘plan’ now to get (have) me kicked out??  Where did all of this vengeance and game-playing (animosity and misconstruction) come from?  And because I don’t want to be a ‘player’ [in the game] (referenced from an earlier journal) and never have been (one of them), I’m at fault?  That’s pretty sick and highly enmeshed (dysfunctional).

So because I don’t want to be a “player” they basically have decided they have no room (quite literally) for me?  — use, and essentially I am seen, as usual, like a target and treated inadvertently like an object – as a threat, to their egos, because I am different.  I will always face adversity – it never fails that I end up being the ‘ugly duckling,’ but in reality, I’m the swine pearl and people don’t like to be made out – direct via intention or non-directly, to feel inferior.  Simply, people do not like to be made aware and so anyone who remotely elicits this sensation will be seen automatically as a threat.

So I was right all along—you’re either “in” the game, or you’re out, and what’s sad is that people on the outside are made (given/shown) an impression that is misconstrued, yet what can they do?  …but form an opinion based off those they ‘trust,’ but who, and without proper evidence, are for all intensive purposes, wrong and incorrect in their assumption(s).  Ignorance only breeds more ignorance.  Many people choose not to discover it, much less live it out, and those who do – who walk in line with what’s right, who demonstrate irrefutable integrity, are ostracized – punished for simply being themselves.

So it’s either you’re yourself or you’re someone else, which brings me to say, I guess we choose our family, which then brings me to say (ask), “Why is it so hard to walk away from the old one?”  Patterns?  Beliefs?  Habits, ingrained?  “When there’s truth in a lie—“ When truth becomes the lie, and we tell ourselves so many just to stay, but why?  Just so we can relate?

But then we come to find there are people just like ourselves – like us, hiding – out there, some not discovered; others, like my striving self, living quiet but purposeful lives.  So I guess when we feel all alone, the truth is, we are not; it’s just about meeting those people and being comfortable with change.

My heart breaks, or maybe my soul, because I feel split between two different worlds – the one I grew up in and the one out there waiting for me – waiting to be discovered.  This search for ‘truth’ is a hard pill to swallow and to come by because it demands rigorous honesty, and I feel in so many ways, people are not ready for this, and so it hinders me, or rather defeats me.  I allow it to defeat me.

I feel like all of my life I’ve spent searching, looking for a place to call “home” and each door is just another illusion – there’s yet another way.  I cannot seem to find the key – I appear to be lost in a forest, and I can’t seem to find any faces, persons I recognize.  Those I love have left me, markedly will be my words, but the sad truth is they never loved themselves, and I know this because they haven’t developed any compassion which is evident, demonstrated via their actions, but in the end I have realized (hopeless) it doesn’t matter, because when you “Dare to be different,” the very cup Erin bought me as one of the only selfless gifts from her heart, with its message written clearly, there are consequences.

I would love to just be accepted for who I am, but unfortunately I have rarely encountered this acceptance – unconditional in nature, and I guess it “takes one to know one –“ maybe a strong person to recognize this phenomenon.  Anyway, I cannot tell you how it feels to always be taken out of your home under false ‘reasons’ – accusations, energies, dynamics that which they – the accusers themselves cannot understand.

So while they are living their lives, in their own worlds, and continuing on as they do and inevitably will, they will never know how badly their actions have hurt me.  Perhaps all – most of my life I have been left with out a choice – unaware that I had a choice, but this is a scar (wound) that I cannot fathom – digest in my gut nor heart, nor kick (overlook), because it cuts to the core, and I guess one cannot understand without having actually been in that person’s (my) shoes how it feels to always be on the outside.

There was one person in this family who understood, who actually accepted me as family, and that’s Lori, because she too, though in a different way, her ‘story’ different from my own, knows what it’s like to be on the outside, and in that way, we were the same.  We think differently – than others.

I am being pointed at and scapegoated (blamed) and forced to pay the consequence (price) of someone else’s undutiful ignorance.  This, to say the least, sadly, is not unusual for me and would certainly not be the first time that something of this nature has happened, but it doesn’t change the insuperable pain that I feel and the way it makes me feel and the profound effect it has on me.

Usually in family’s one person is made out to be the problem, and that person has always been me, because I remind people of the very thing in themselves that remains largely inaccessible, unknown to them – the conscious act of being aware and purely awake in its purest form, and it is only through control, derived from massive amounts of fear, that they can attempt to try and understand (wrap their heads around) the situation and themselves.

The preceding actions that follow, which they have not the slightest clue, which have the slightest effect on them, have the largest on those around them – in this case, myself, but they can’t see it, and I do not blame (judge) them, and so I am nevertheless the one in the end who loses yet another what “could have been” in her (my – own) mind.  The only ‘lesson’ learned here, derived from this – that I can see, feel, taste (experience) is one of profound loss – a core wound of abandonment – of having been left out in the cold a long time ago (from birth) because I don’t think many people, unless having been in the situation themselves, can know what it’s truly like having been given up at birth and handed over to another family –

— the deliberate act of a conscious refusal to take [ownership] – responsibility for one’s actions, derived from a situation that was a making/result of their own actions — and the  message that’s given – that registers in one’s unconscious mind and heart is, “I don’t want you” so it would make sense (explain) why I act (react) the way I do.

We all want to be loved and cared for and not told we’re not good enough, and when I am ostracized (scapegoated) it sends (reinforces) the message that I am not “good” enough, despite the fact that I may know (my better judgment) in my head and have a clear notion/understanding of what’s going on.

It doesn’t change the fact that I am being given up.  No ‘explaining’ could ever make one – in this case, the very people who cannot see what it is they are doing due to an obstruction of the will, or “ego” and its shadow understand that and the immense pain that results from such an action, experienced as a loss.

And I bet/sadly if they – those who are acting against me (inadvertently – out of their own repressed fear) knew all of this – What I was/am saying and implying, would likely say to themselves and respond with, “Oh, we have to let her down ‘easily—‘ she’s sensitive.”  My response:  “Save yourself the breath;” it’s the act that’s wrong and so easily misunderstood and well ‘justified,’ and you can go and get all of the reinforcement (validation, options) from the external environment – books, internet, friends, etc., but it doesn’t change the fact that I fail to be understood as an individual and that you have mistakenly overlooked the fact that you too are a part of this equation and that I am not solely to blame, but your lack of understanding or love and compassion for yourself and first-hand experience would – is making you blind to this.

I do not blame you for this.  I just wanted to be my own person and that was not understood or well tolerated and now I am having to reap/being subject to the consequences of intolerance bred by ignorance in the literal sense, and I would sit here and take the time to try and explain it and ask for forgiveness, but who would I be asking?

I would be asking yourselves – that you forgive yourselves so that some understanding, or for a lack of better words, empathy can be experienced, and note, I clearly did not say “sympathy,” but empathy – the ability to put oneself in another’s shoes and to experience with this person an understanding that we all share one thing – as humans the right to be and to the right to our feelings –to have an experience to share.  The notion that we are all but from the same species, and to know what it feels like to be ourselves, individuals.

For once I would like to be on the inside – accepted, understood, because it’s a cruel, cruel world being on the outside and experience the internal shame – judgment and hurt, of being excluded and cast out – made out to be one of “them,” when in all reality, were all the same – all capable and deserving of the same respect and trust, but we let fear uncontrollable and so often unconsciously get in the way – make[ing] these irrational decisions and we cannot see until it’s too late, or never at all, and we fail as a human race to love and accept one another [because of the love and acceptance] we lack for ourselves.

It’s a catch-22, because in the end, we make out – in thought, others to be the “problem” when it was really ourselves, but we failed to see the truth because we become – became too caught up in our own ideas, prejudices, and defenses to recognize another just like us  — and we have let fear get the best of us.

So “Dare to be different” does not stand without immense consequence, and the lesson left to learn, to be taught, is one virtually of self-acceptance.

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