Insomnia and restlessness


If I meet one more person that even remotely reminds me of Ashley, I’m going to go nuts.  *Thinks back to when she met someone, a guy, who reminded her of me*  When Ashley met a guy who “reminded her of me,” she would not stop going on and on.  Now, I have constant reminders of her from people I meet to things I see, to places I go, and it’s just making me sick; at least tonight.  I can’t sleep, seriously.  I know that she is right beside me, in the apartment building literally right across the courtyard, and I’m sick to my stomach.  I feel a mixture of anticipatory anxiety to sad.

My mind cannot make sense of grief, and “grief” is definitely what I’m feeling, otherwise I would not be having trouble sleeping like this, and I wouldn’t feel desperate to quench this quelling.  Every damn song that I hear on the radio reminds me of her, and every experience and opportunity I have I want to share with her.  I feel helpless in that I am missing out on her life.  I worry about her, and I think about her grandmother who she was always close to, and I wonder how she’s doing, and I don’t have any idea… she keeps me out of her life.

I am not even sure honestly why or what her reasons are for keeping me out of her life, other than in her eyes, I crossed a “boundary” violation.  She said to me that I’d “never get over her” and that she didn’t want those feelings jeopardizing another relationship that she might have in the future, ie: “Yeah, partner, my first love still has feelings for me, and…” but it doesn’t make any sense because the silly woman was just going on and on about how “similar” this guy is to me, only in a “man’s” body.  I know, it sounds like drama and rather confusing, but it is confusing, and honestly it just seems to me like she’s not being honest with her feelings.

I know (or I am tempted to blame myself) that I was wrong in rushing things after we broke up and were trying to build a friendship (I didn’t have any clue this was what we were doing; that, and/or I wasn’t ready or able to at the time for my own personal reasons), or rather, re-rushing things (I don’t think we ever got over each other), but I can’t, and couldn’t help that I had feelings for her that I couldn’t shake.

…and she did, too.  The difference is she can suppress and repress her feelings.  I can’t hide them without feeling as though I am not being true (honest) with myself, nor do I choose to.  I will, however, respect her desire to not have contact with me.  Rather, I am trying, but I am struggling.  My own grief is preventing me from accepting that it’s “over.”

And the reality is, it’s not “over;” she’s just, for all I’m concerned, and believe, repressing her true feelings.  She would probably think I am not respecting her and her wishes if she read this, so I should just stop here, because I do care about her, deeply; I am just having a difficult time dealing with this.  Like the Nickelback song says:

“Was it something that I did?
Was there somebody else?”

I hope to God it wasn’t “somebody else;” that would devastate me, yet I also wouldn’t want her keeping it from me.  Yet, something in my heart tells me that we are meant to be a part of one another’s lives, a very special part.  I am going to truly leave that up to fate.  But I guess what it comes down to is me just surrendering and trusting that everything will  work out the way it’s supposed to work out, because I can’t control the outcome of what the future holds.  I do know that I care about Ashley deeply…

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