Wanted: 2010 Fuji Feather 49cm


I would like to get one of these:

I specifically am looking for a “2010 Fuji Feather 49cm” (small frame).  I am willing to pay up to $400 for a used one.  This bike weighs an awesome 21 lbs!  Let me know if you guys find one, I’ll either have it shipped or physically drive to pick it up.

 

Reflecting on experiences…


When I look at pictures of my life, I think about how much of my life she has missed out on…

College days

I also believe in a large element of fate… I think that things happen when you let them… when you surrender (I know, this sounds like an abstract idea) what’s supposed to happen happens.  Sometimes allowing yourself to let go of an outcome can be very difficult.  I think we all want to control things in our lives to a certain degree, some more than others; for me, it’s very hard to surrender, but when I do, it’s a beautiful thing…

 

My birthday… so far sucks.


I am feeling kind of depressed now and am trying to keep my spirits up.  Today is my birthday and hasn’t been a good day.  The day started off with being rejected for health services.  Erin and I both went to get prescription refills and blood work and were told that we don’t “qualify” for the free clinic because we do not have aids, high blood pressure, heart problems, etc.  Supposedly in Indiana free aid does not exist.

I am shocked because on the east coast, both in Vermont (especially) and Philadelphia health care is virtually free… at least at clinics.  I am shocked to find out that I can’t get ANY help here.  I also don’t qualify for health insurance because I am not “pregnant” with children.  Can you believe that?!  It has to be a joke… this state is backwards.

Anyway, I am irritated also because nobody has said “Happy Birthday” to me… literally 1 friend text messaged me “Happy Birthday” and the only reason he likely remembered it is because his is tomorrow!  We are literally 13 minutes apart.  And 5 random acquaintances on Facebook said Happy Birthday, yet nobody else.  …and yet people receive pages upon pages on Facebook all the time – and I get 5!

My family (this story is not new unfortunately, but gets worse and worse every year) did not even say Happy Birthday until 3 o’clock today.  My sister, then my brother an hour or so later, and then my mom last but not least… heck, my own dad (biological) did not say Happy Birthday.

So today is depressing.  I am really trying to keep my spirits up, but I am having a hard time.  I don’t understand why more people would not reach out to me and say Happy Birthday… yet, I am serious, some (many – like 90% of my friends) people get PAGES upon PAGES of birthday wishes.

I don’t understand why I’m not that special and/or important to anyone… even Ashley didn’t say Happy Birthday to me, or Katherine who recently dumped Erin and I off for no apparent reason… along with our friend Jonathan who is dating a loser who’s abusive and a control freak.  Anyway, yeah, so we are basically without any friends right now.

I mean, we have friends I guess… middle/middle-upper class people who are pretty cool and nice, but they (like everyone else) are flaky in terms of reliability, and I hate that.  I can’t seem to find any good, decent people around here… and honestly, it isn’t just “here;” it was Philadelphia, too… Vermont honestly was the only place that I never got dumped off, and I mean that.  I am not idealizing Vermont; people had different ethics and values there.  And they valued time and friendship.

I just feel so lost right now… maybe “lost” isn’t the word.  Lonely, perhaps?  I am surrounded by stuff… an entire apartment, and what I want are friends.  I am sad right now.  No amount of “money” in the world, little or a lot, can change that… that need for connection.  I just don’t understand what it is I’m doing so wrong on a fate-level that would make/attract this into my life… this alienation.

Anyway, sorry to be so negative on my birthday, but that’s kind of how the day started out when I went to go for my blood work to see if the lyme disease is officially gone and had a door (metaphorically) shut in my face.  No assistance.

The Truth


She’s not going to understand because she’s too caught up with herself.  I need to be much more selective about the people that I let into my life.  I need to stick to what I know is important and dependability is definitely one of them.  It’s about maturity.

Daughtry – Losing my mind


So I heard this song tonight while in the car downtown writing in my journal, and I heard the narrative, and I was reminded of Ashley…

I can’t help it the girl is still in my head.  I can’t help it that she randomly pops into my head at different times through the day.  Sometimes, some days more than others, it hits me harder.  Anyway, I immediately felt a sadness tonight… not necessarily a “melancholy,” but a sadness, longing, reminiscing, grief-like feeling.

I am sure there is one word for what I’m trying to say, but I can’t think of it.

Anyway, here are the lyrics:

“Losing My Mind” by Daughtry

Never thought a train goin’ any place could’ve changed my life
Never thought I’d say I could go insane, ’til I saw your eyes
And I had to take another look to know for sure
That you could be for real
You found an empty seat sittin’ next to me
And I asked your name
Where you comin’ from?
Where you headed to this Saturday?
‘Cause I’m gonna be out on the town
As long as you are goin’ there with meYeah and my head keeps spinnin’
You got me trippin’
There’s something about the way you move
Yeah, every little single thing you do is like
One part angel and one part danger
But, oh, the kind of crazy I like
You got me losing my mind
I’m losing my mind!

It’s getting hard to sleep
Getting hard to think ’bout much these days
‘Cause everywhere I go
Only thing I see is your glowing face
And the way you light up every room you walk into
Just makes me want to scream

Yeah and my head keeps spinnin’
You got me trippin’
There’s something about the way you move
Yeah, every little single thing you do is like
One part angel and one part danger
But, oh, the kind of crazy I like
You got me losing my mind
I’m losing my mind!

Can’t understand why you got me so far gone
You’re gonna have to lock me up before too long
You’ve got me losing my mind

Yeah and my head keeps spinnin’
You got me trippin’
There’s something about the way you move
Yeah, every little single thing you do is like
One part angel and one part danger
But, oh, the kind of crazy I like
You got me losing my mind
I’m losing my mind!
You got me losing my mind
I’m losing my mind!

I have kind of been distracted by other things and people, but always, in the back of my mind, is her.  I also know (imagine) it’s strange right now with strangers reading this knowing I am pouring my heart out to some girl, or “woman” perhaps I should say, that’s not even next to me, but she has left a permanent imprint on my heart, and that “passion” between her and I never died… that “connection,” whatever you want to call it.So many people don’t believe… and so many people also run away from their feelings.  So many people don’t believe that things can last and moreover that things can work out, and they can, if you let them.  I truly believe that what “goes around” comes back around.  I trust fate.  I believe that “Everything happens for a reason.”

I try not to spend too much time dwelling in my feelings, but I do reflect from time to time, and I do think about things and try to integrate my experiences in such a way that I can learn from them.  I want to grow, and I am always wanting to grow.  I also have a big heart.

Sometimes I think the worst though, and I think about how someday Ashley is going to tell me that she’s marrying someone else, or perhaps I will hear it through the grapevine and that it’ll break my heart and devastate me.  I promise I am not some psycho crazy “ex” of hers.  Ash and I are almost twins.  Heck, we have the same middle name.

Anyway, I’m out living my life, and I know what I want for myself, which is important.  I am confident to say I know what I what.  I am proud to say that I’ve finally figured it out through a lot of soul searching and experiences.  I have standards now.  I am a much better and stronger person because of what I have learned.

Anyway, I wanted to share this song because it was on my mind tonight…