Anxiety and wonder


I am tense, and I have anxiety tonight, and I hate feeling this way.  It’s not often I feel like this.  I have a lot on my mind and a lot of inventory scattered all over the place that needs cataloged and put in storage.  Between having things on my mind and stuff scattered all over the place, I am all nerves.  So I just found out tonight that Ashley lives in Chicago – I heard it through the grapevine about a week ago and now have a pretty good suspicion.  I’m not sure how I feel about it… but I have a tightness in my chest.  I feel dis-ease.

I remember when I lived out in Burlington, Vermont and said I would “never” move back to Indiana… I honestly didn’t think I would.  But I did.  Many of my friends have said the same thing – that they’ll “never” move back to Indiana, but they do.  I am praying that Ashley will move back.  How else are we supposed to have a friendship afar?  I guess we did before…

Anyway, I saw a picture of her tonight online with a guy and it looked like she had an engagement ring on, and I think my heart sank into the earth.  I zoomed in on my computer (mac’s have that ability) only to find out that it was on her middle finger, which put my mind to ease.  Still, now I am wondering if it just didn’t fit on the ring finger?  Grr.  I don’t know, but I am sick to my stomach tonight and feel nerve-wrecked.  I am tired and have not gotten good sleep the past week because I’ve been doing inventory around the clock.

Anyway, I don’t really know what else to say and may delete this post later.  I just need to vent.  I don’t see how people can live their lives in denial.  They think they’re “over” the past yet it comes creeping up every single time and it’s not “over” yet.  Why run and hide?  I have changed so much and grown up, and I know that I am capable of being the person I needed to be in her life now.  I think I might organize some pictures now.  Tomorrow I want to work on getting things cataloged and put in storage.

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