Confirmed – She is gone


Confirmed – she moved.  I am really upset and pissed off about it.  I don’t understand it… but I think it’s a complete coincidence that she (technically her mother) has lived here for literally 10+ years and suddenly when we move in, she moves out.  I saw Ashley, and the next thing I know is her and her mother moved out.  Whatever.

I am feeling a sadness in my chest right now knowing this.  I don’t understand why her “Welcome” mat is still here and her dead, dried plants.  It just makes me mad.  I feel like everyone cuts me off.  Am I some bad omen or what?  I am not trying to be negative, but I’m sick of feeling this way.  “Someday I will make enough money to give back to the community – they won’t look at me then,” I think to myself.  For now, now “I’m just a “nobody.”

I mean, really, everyone and their brother have cut me off, and I don’t understand why, but I am not some freak nor psycho so I don’t understand it… 90% of the people don’t even give an explanation.  In the last month, I have been cut off by Crystal (Ashley’s ex, who I hooked Ashley up with) who I have stayed in contact with since 2003, Amanda (who was my ex girlfriend and also my first girlfriend and best friend) who I’ve known since 1996, Jessy (My best friend senior year of high school and the first 2 years of college), Jen (My ex, out of nowhere as well, when I even offered to help her when she was homeless), etc… the list literally goes on and on.

I just feel like I moved here 2 years too late.  I sit here and think “I shouldn’t have spent that year- year and a half in Philly; I should have spent it here.”  All I want is to be friends with Ashley again… we have been friends, but then she cut me off out of nowhere, writing me an email saying she can’t be friends with me if I still have feelings for her because it may jeopardize the “next relationship” she is in.  O.K. Ashley.  I’m sorry, but that doesn’t make any sense, because she still had feelings for me!

Ashley would call me up telling me she met a guy “just” like me… and would go on and on, obsessively… She would also call me up periodically to check-in with me to be sure I was doing okay… yes, while she was with people.  She (and I) have always cared about one another, and that has not changed… I don’t understand the big mood change.  Her ex girlfriend thinks it’s for approval… ie, to gain the approval of her mother.  That wouldn’t surprise me.  Her mother is sick like mine, and even though Ashley is an adult, she is still actively trying to gain the approval of her mother.  She lost it with her father years ago… her father was a coward.

Anyway, I just don’t know what to think anymore… and I know I will get over this, and that life will go on, but I feel like now any chance that I may have had at all to be friends with her again, or to make amends, etc. has been shattered and blown.  “I know the feeling of finding yourself stuck out on the edge.”  -Nickelback.  Her mom (like Amanda’s “mom”) kept us apart years ago… we needed each other, and she kept us apart.  It never fails in my life that I lose people I love.

This explains it…

 

I don’t know who to be mad at… myself or her.  “Maybe I should just ‘forget’ about her,” I say to myself.  Yeah, I don’t think it works like that… Heck, “I could buy the girl a car,” I think to myself, and it wouldn’t make a damn bit of a difference.  I honestly don’t know what crawled up her ass, and I’m not in any way trying to be insulting, but how can you take a friendship that lasted for years and do this… just leave someone hanging.  Again, listen to the Nickelback “Lullaby” song.

By the way, I blasted that “Lullaby” song when it was fairly new and first came out when I first realized Ashley still lived here.  I played it nice and loud hoping that she would hear (Nickelback is her favorite band).  I feel like we’re missing out on so many experiences…  I will be living my life and then suddenly she will pop into my mind… And I will remember for a second what it felt like to be alive with someone… I have felt alive plenty of times, on my own, with my Higher Power, but with Ashley, it was with someone… someone who understood me.

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