So it would be worth mentioning that I ran into Ashley last night at an art walk. I had predicated, while working at the Mosey last month, (literally) that I would meet her at one of these “art” events, and sure enough, she was there! I was actually referred to the event via another ENFJ, Beth, whom Barbara (last name), (INFJ), had introduced me to.
Anyway, Erin and I had looked at all the art galleries and were sitting in front of a tattoo shop in a couple of brightly colored chairs just people watching because we weren’t ready to leave yet, and sure enough, when I turned my head to the left I saw Ashley, with her boyfriend. I immediately freaked out and said “OMG,” and flew out my chair while yelling to Erin, “LETS GO” and starting walking. We started walking and turned into the first art gallery on our right, the first one we actually went to (Name of gallery). I was completely okay until I saw Ashley and Jared looking into the window at a woman glass blowing beads. It turned out that “woman” was Jared’s mother! (I would later be introduced to her).
So Erin and I just kind of walked around in this art gallery, and almost immediately, when I realized that Ashley and her boyfriend were hanging outside of the shop and looking in I got weak in the knees… like never before… I honestly did not know that phenomenon actually existed, but I can attest to it first-hand. Like, I was so weak in the knees you would have thought I was having a seizure. I was afraid that other people could see. Like, my legs were shaking badly. I was… really nervous? Like, the feeling that you would feel before getting up on a stage. I was also wearing loafer-like low-heel square dress shoes because it went well with my outfit, and I wanted to stand out.
I am tempted to upload a picture of what I was wearing last night, but I’ll pass lol… I don’t feel like digging out the camera… I wore my shiny 1970’s flare/bootcut pants from France, a white short sleeve cotton polo with a brown t-shirt over the top, my square low-heeled business shoes, and my aviator sunglasses, which by the way, I did not take off! I debated it and wanted to take off my glasses, but thought I was already bad enough looking weak at the knees and didn’t want to draw anymore attention my way.
Anyway, so she and Jared eventually came inside, and Erin and I just sat there swarming around, walking in circles, and I said, “What should I do??” Ashley and Jared were now inside, I thought. They stood still for a moment and started talking to some guy, an older gentleman. I debated in my head whether or not I should say something to her… attempt to initiate a conversation… because I am not one to let a “moment” pass by. I decided I would and needed to, otherwise I would regret it. In the back of my mind, I had a nagging desire to understand why she cut me off – of course I did not address this (Update: 12/22/12- I should have).
But I did in fact go up to her. I actually gently, lightly tapped her on the shoulder/lower arm (she was wearing a purple dress). I said something to her like “Hey Ashley, how have you been?” She said she had just gotten back from a flight to and from AZ I believe? …for a “training,” for work. I thought to myself, “Yup, that’s COMPLETELY Ashley!” ie, work, trainings, etc. I giggled inside. I smiled. I think Jared may have gone with her, but I am not sure…
Speaking of “Jared…” I was introduced to him, and his father. I believe (yes, I am pretty sure), Ashley introduced me to Jared’s father first, introducing me as her “friend” – to each his own, whatever suits her (Update: 12/22/12, ha). I respected it, her anonymity – in fact, I continued to respect it the remainder of the night. We would end up having two exchanges this night.
After introducing me to Jared’s father, she, after some time of small-talk, introduced me to Jared. Prior to that, she said to Erin, “Oh, I’ve heard a lot about you.” I was thinking to myself, “Just because you have heard a ‘lot’ about her does not mean I want to be with her (long story, and one I wish not to post on here).” At any rate, Ashley was purposely very emotionally distant, clearly putting on a “poker” face… she had a “filter,” or image/forcibly facade up to cover up the fact that she may have been gay in the past.
It was evident that Jared (this shocked me) didn’t have any idea that we had been together…
After the event, Erin asked me if Ashley gave me any “clues” as to whether she may still have feelings for me, or whether there was something “there.” I only remember one incident with eye contact that would possibly reveal that, but for the most part, she (and I) were keeping up a very good “image” of “nothing happened or occurred between us.” I don’t know why Ashley has gone this route, or gone into the “closet,” but just because I “left” Indiana does/did not mean that I would never come back, and now here I am, having subliminally come back for her, and I think it’s a bit of a shock to her.
Ohhh, and there was a time after about 10 minutes of introductions that Erin and I walked away and out of the art gallery to go back and sit in our comfy chairs a block or two down the road in front of the hipster-like tattoo shop. Erin and I talked at this time, and I kept saying that I felt “extremely awkward” and that I wanted to “make it right,” for myself – that I had made a fool of myself, and that I just needed to collect myself and go “back in there” and try and smooth things out. She was very upset and visibly insecure and did not want to go back in there, at which point I was/became angry because of the jealousy (she cheats on people, yet when I want to go and talk to my former love, she gets upset, despite the fact that I have been fully faithful to her, our entire “relationship,”), and insisted that she go with me.
After 15 minutes of coaxing we went back, and sure enough, Ashley and Jared were still there. This time they were over by the bead maker, Lisa, who happened to be Jared’s mother, whom Ashley introduced me to. Erin was hanging around the snack bar again, eating, and was quite a ways back – she refused to come with me to obtain “closure.” Frankly, I just wanted to “neutralize” the awkward feelings from the first encounter. Her pouting irritated me, like the insistence on coming back in while I went in a second time, but I dealt with it and headed back over myself.
Ashley started talking about a certain bead, the “Star,” ironically my tarot card! …and how it’s her “favorite.” I actually said to her, somewhat rhetorically, “It’s your favorite?” and she said “YES,” and went on to tell me about how “intricate” the bead-making process is and how much “work” Lisa puts into making them. She then gave me a brochure that was displayed in front of Lisa’s setup and said to check out the site, stating that Lisa is trying to make enough money to go to school out in California. I would love to be able to support her, as well as her grandmother’s grave, who I still need to (and will) go visit. (Update: 12/22/12: I thought her grave was on 9th street – apparently not. I have located the correct graveyard and have printed out directions to it. I will be going to see it before I move back to Vermont January 31st, 2013. Guests – I am moving back to Vermont to get my healthcare up-to-date and rehabilitated and to begin my Master’s Degree. Fortunately, the Master’s Degree is “low residency,” so I can live anywhere while enrolled. I will be in Vermont only until I get my healthcare up-to-date, and then I will be traveling out to California somewhere or Ashland, OR. There is an off-chance I might come back to Indiana IF Ashley gets a hold of me, but I won’t hold my breathe. I need to pursue my dreams, and if “It’s meant to be, it’ll be,” as Ashley always said. I would, however, move back to Indiana for her, in a heartbeat).
Anyway, I almost forgot, Erin and I told Ashley to come visit the “Mosey” tomorrow night. To my surprise, she had never heard of it… I told her that I would be doing professional tarot readings and that Erin would be making home-made dog biscuits and that the two of us make “record – art” out of vinyls. She laughed and said she’ll have to check it out, but it sounded like she may have had another event planned. I also told her that I would be reading tarot tonight at Bombay Hookah, hosting an “event!” We talked a little about tarot since that is what I happened to be doing at the time, and she said, “That does not surprise me.” I thought to myself, “Yeah, I have always been weird…” We could not get in the time I wanted… When I talked to her the second time we were literally sandwiched in-between Lisa (Jared’s mother) and Jared and his father, whose name I did not catch – I am horrible with names!
I honestly could only get in and remember about 1/2 (or more realistically, 3/4) of what she told me because I was so damn nervous that a lot of stuff just went in and out one ear. But yeah… she actually told me where she worked! Bank of America :) I am not even sure if there is one in Lafayette. I asked her how long she has lived here, or maybe when she started dating Jared? She replied: “December 31st,” which I don’t know which year… 2011, I would assume? I just remember things “changed” between us when she was very rude to me on New Years Eve (I felt so alone at that time – things were happening with Erin – she was acting out, Michael had just blown me off) when Ashley didn’t care to show any interest in me, and acted distant and very cold via text message. Mind you, 2 months prior to that, or over the summer, I can’t remember, was when she told me she met a guy “just like you” (like me) and how she “can’t get over it,” “how ‘similar’ we are,” etc.
If Ashley was referring to 2011, which is likely the case, she moved back to Lafayette and into our apartment complex (which for those who don’t already know, she – and her mother, do not live here anymore) right around when Erin and I moved in and signed a lease. Yes, I had dreams of Ashley moving back… I also had dreams of her mother buying a house, and sure enough, within a few short months of our lease, she would.
At any rate, there was so much I wanted to catch up on, and we didn’t… couldn’t. I remember leaving the event and thinking, “There’s so much I could have said… or that I still want to say.” When I got home, I added Jared and his mother as friends on Facebook. This felt a little strange, but I wanted to be “supportive” of Ashley and her new relationship.
Oh, and the tarot card for the “day” was the 3 of Wands… from the Vertigo deck, which is slightly different than the traditional. But the card in the Vertigo Deck basically deals with divisions… between people-energies… it also represents power, and independence. Further, it can represent “explorations, heroic action, possibly involving sacrifice.” In the traditional deck, it means success and potential and deals with future success… future possibilities and an alarming success rate. At any rate, I am not sure how it ties into the situation (most situations it makes sense); it may be that I’m just not supposed to know right now, but will find out later.
Anyway, Ashley and I also talked about school… I said, “So are you going to go to grad school for your Master’s Degree?” She said yes, but not right now… maybe in a year or two. I asked her where at, and she said she was interested in some school in Massachusetts- “What a coincidence, I have been considering Harvard,” I thought! Then she mentioned “possibly IU.” I said, “Bloomington?” She said, “Yes.” I said, “Yeah, that’s a good school, I have been there.” I said, “But I think you will like Massachusetts better :) I would encourage you to get out of Indiana :P
Anyway, I still cannot understand why she cut me off… and maybe I won’t for a while. I honestly don’t even know if the Walsh’s will add me to Facebook… (Update: 12/22/12: They actually all blocked me the very next day. Can you say two-faced? Shock? Perhaps Ashley felt threatened that her “secret” – me, and her sexuality, might be revealed). Who knows. All I know is that it seems like a big secret that Ashley is gay… she doesn’t want anyone to know. I respected it. I still have my own opinions. I miss her incredibly.
In the car, on the way home, Erin started crying (note, she never cries), saying she was “scared” of losing me, etc. Like I said, and not to invalidate her, but she pushes away the people she claims to love and sabotages the relationship by cheating on the person and childish, manipulative, selfish things that are downright atrocious, so I can’t fully sympathize with her. At any rate, I reassured her that I wasn’t going anywhere. I will leave that up to fate to decide. I do know that I want to see Ashley again… I miss her. She was my first, and only, love.
Update: At the Hookah Club, I heard a song that reminded me of Ashley and I and the situation… I have posted a few of the different versions below. I haven’t determined my favorite one yet lol. I am going to burn them all onto a disk and go from there, because music is always best judged when played in a car! At any rate, here is one version:
A remix (one of several versions). Can I say this to her?
The song, along with the other versions and some other songs, are all posted on my Facebook, and they are in order of “flow.” The songs, if you listen to them on my Facebook and note the order, are ordered to go with the mood. Anyway, I really miss her… and I wonder if she thinks about me. I wonder if she is going to continue to run away from herself and her feelings and rekindling.
I would stay in Lafayette if she would come back into my life. I want to be friends with her, and I have been wanting this since I arrived back here last year. In fact, I think subconsciously, I largely, came back from the East Coast for her.
At any rate, we’ll see what happens.