June 7th, 2011. The Contemplation of Death. Existential Matters.

You know, something we don’t think about often is death.  I keep getting the “10 of swords” and “5 of pentacles” is nearly all of my tarot readings.  Tarot plays off ones subconscious and works via quantum physics similar to the law of attraction.  The cards are not “evil” as some religious folks might believe – they are impressions in image-form.  In other words, we think certain things and have a subconscious and the images reflect this subconscious domain.

Both of these cards are dis-favorable cards, and I have drawn them more times than I can count.  The reality is my health is not in good shape and is compromised.  My ear-node pain is getting worse.  I have it in both ears, although the right side (also where my asymmetrical tonsil is located) is worse, and it gets so bad sometimes that it radiates to my upper jaw, causing a headache in back and front and then finally neck and shoulder pain.  The ear-node pain is worse when I am stressed out and cold air makes it worse, however, the pain comes and goes at any time.

All other symptoms, ie: hair loss, joint pain in hand/fingers, weight gain (and loss), fatigue (extreme), dry/red/bloodshot eyes, hot/cold flashes, occasional night sweats, etc. are so trivial compared to the ear-node pain, which on a 1-5 scale is about a 4 most of the time, sometimes hitting a 3 and other times a whopping 5.  I am too young to be having these kinds of issues.  Whatever I have going on — this “viral” illness that I came down with either in August of 2008 or Fall of 2007 (I became extremely sick both times) has caused my thyroid to stop working and one thing after another (in my body) to shut down.

At any rate, I am concerned, and I am now thinking about what would happen if I died… ie, if what I have going on is serious, ie: cancer, a tumor, etc.  The cards that have continually popped out are standing out.  “Cards” aside, I have a health issue that is progressively getting worse and nobody knows what it is.  One agency — IGENIX — a top lyme-testing lab in Palo Alto, CA, has diagnosed me with chronic lyme disease and yet the CDC (Center for Disease Control), which we all know has too “low” standards, states that I only meet 3 out of 5 criteria for lyme and so I would technically not have it.  This in and of itself is a huge controversy within the lyme community.

Needless to say, I am thinking about existential matters.  On my way home tonight from NJ after having ran errands and bought groceries I pondered, “What are the 12 things I would like to do before I die?”  ie, if you found out you had 6 months to live, what would you do?  So it has me thinking… and I know that sounds depressing, but lets be prepared for the worst-case scenario.  What do I really have here?  My things — they mean nothing; they will parish when I do.  “What matters to me?”  Death really makes you contemplate.

I cannot help but wonder how many people have had near-death experiences that have changed their lives.  Will I have one?  I can’t tell you how many psychics I’ve been to — trusted ones (my family used to go to one — Ms. Nancy Bowman) who have told me I will have a “cancer” scare — and “scare” or not, that may involve surgery, death, etc.  At any rate, it makes you think — “What is ‘life’ (this thing I have not even begun to fully experience) all about?”  “What will/would I like to do if I was going to die in 6 months and knew it?”  “What things would (will) I have experienced?”

My first thought, or one of my first thoughts was “I wish I had money (I don’t have any savings or inheritance, what can I say?) I would give it to Ashley and to Jen’s little brother, Jessy.”  I say this not because I think money has worth, but because I believe that it can get people somewhere — it can provide opportunity.  I want to see little Jessy go to college; I have desired that from him since I first saw him, because he deserves it.  At any rate, I do not have money, so what can I give?  That brings me to say “What would I do?” ie, listing 10-12 things before my life runs out.


How often and how many of us really think about this?  At any minute any of us could come down with a terminal illness — what are the things (journal) that would want to do given your 6 months to live?

I had told Erin tonight that I would be happy just knowing that I have discovered my purpose – do you know how rare and precious of a gift that is, especially for someone my age?  My purpose is to Serve — to be a vessel, a catalyst for others — to create opportunity and prosperity.  I am interested in providing for myself, my future family, and the community — providing financial and educational opportunities.  Maybe I would have never had a chance to live out that dream; however, I am grateful for having had the clarity to discover the purpose.

I discovered my purpose while in Vermont, which was the best (most life-enhancing) experience of my life.  It really opened my eyes up, and I am thankful (gracious) to have experienced it.  I met some wonderful people and for the first time in my life can say that I discovered “family.”  We choose our family.  Anothe thing, I discovered I had choice in Vermont, and I also found (for the most part) my Voice.  I was able to express myself there for perhaps the first time and was encouraged to express myself and develop my potential.  People (the community) supported me — my interests, well-being, etc.

I will have to think about how to answer this question.  10 things

May 30th, 2011. Transition.

I am psychologically enmeshed, and I have been involved with an entire family of narcissists.  I am sure that there is a lesson in all of this, which will make itself known to me.

I lost my father when I was 19 and perhaps never quite recovered from the loss, because since, I have sought out the “security” of this loss through unhealthy relationships with addicted and psychologically disturbed individuals.  They have sucked the life out of me, and now I am about to be free though I am dreading what’s on the other “side” — the “light” more than anything, and it’s as though I have forgotten what “life” tastes like.

I cannot believe that it has been 3 years that I have been involved with Erin.  I also cannot believe that I allowed two other relationships to waste and take over (control) of my life prior to that.  I have not been happy since 2006 and have sort of been in this downward spiral of attracting nutcases.

I guess I need to be alone and grieve the many important losses — ie, my father, in my life before this destructive pattern continues.  I have hope for myself, but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel virtually numb right now I am so much in shock.  I am so lonely and sad… I feel in many ways on some level like I deserved to be treated this way, but I know that no one deserves it, and I didn’t cause it.  I am sure I played a role and enabled at points, but I was not aware of it, and it still doesn’t make abuse on someone else’s part right.

I am not even going to ask for the support of anyone right now because of the tremendous guilt I feel right now.  I feel, like usual, like this was my fault even though I know it wasn’t.  It is hard to believe that someone can love you when they treat you in such a way.  Erin would often say one thing and do another, and the things that she would say to me, ie: “Go fuck yourself,” “Go to hell,” “I will go and ‘fuck’ whoever I want,” etc. were beyond my comprehension.

I have made a very honest attempt to be honest, and I have changed and grown up a lot, and the truth is, I have just found myself in a very bad habit of destructive relationships, and I truly believe all of these — this pattern, to be linked to the unresolved grievance of my father.

I am hurting.

May 19th, 2011. Tough times, still. Never-ending.

Nothing seems to be working out, and I am livid.  Erin just told me before walking out the door, “I will ‘fuck’ whoever I want.” (Quote).  I said, “Excuse you?”  I said, we are together, Erin, and then she throws out there — “I don’t WANT to be together,” and this is what she does!  She literally is back and forth, push/pull.  She is WITH me when she wants to be.  When she wants sex she will want to be with me, or 90% of the time she’s sexually anorexic meaning she will not have sex at all for months… actually, years… over an entire year went by and she would not have sex with me.  When she said “I don’t want to be with you” in one of her phases/moods, I think to myself, “Yeah, well I also didn’t want to be yelled at, cursed, emotionally cheated on, lied to, etc,” so I think the least she can do it make it right and do her part.

I am so tired of the push/pull.  When she said she will “fuck” whoever she wants I became LIVID, which is understandable.  Why?  Because I felt (feel) cheated!  I feel like I got the short end of the stick!  Just yesterday she was talking about how in (quote) “next” relationship she will know what to do and what not to do.  This came about because I had said to her (I was complaining for the 50th time) about how she keeps “saying” she’ll do x, y, and z (ie, be respectful, listen, go somewhere with me, participate, etc) and doesn’t and she made a snide comment about how she’ll be sure to do it in her “next” relationship.

Yes, I have my “girlfriend” saying this stuff to me!  Unbelievable.  The reason I don’t walk away from her is because I feel like she owes me the decency to establish trust!  I gave her myself transparently.  I gave my all, and I was honest and candid with her, and she fucking hurt me over and over — so I feel like she owes me decency!  She flaked out.  She did not commit.  She hurt, cheated, and lied — the least the girl (I say “girl,” because she does not act like a woman by any means) can do is give me what I deserve relationally.

I’m so tired of hearing her words, “I don’t ‘give’ a shit,” or “Look,” as she yells out with her hands in the air, or like today for instance at the breakfast table she made a mistake ordering some stuff for her work and so she slammed her pills down that I ad laid on the kitchen table — which is another thing — she refuses to take her pills for her supposed “bipolar” (quite frankly, I think she’s psychotic).  Anyway, she has pills for her “bipolar” and anti-anxiety pills, both which she is refusing to take, which are her responsibility to take because if she doesn’t then the lives of others are endangered!

I should not have to say to her, “Erin, did you take your medication,” and hear, “No, I forgot” every-single-day.  It is her responsibility.  I am tired of her rages, and it cannot be solely blamed on her not taking her meds.  She just told me yesterday that she doesn’t think they do a “damn” thing for her.  She’s so fucking defensive I hate it.  She’s selfish.  She just told me today that she’s an asshole.  I hate that she is sitting here pushing me away, and again, I stay, because I feel like it is my right to be treated with respect and she knows what acceptable behavior is, and I would like to see her take up her part and demonstrate it.

She is a lousy girlfriend who is not a girlfriend at all.  Here I am trying, with my heart — always, open, and yet she refuses to “be a man” so-to-speak.  She is a fucking slime ball, and again, I say this only because I know that she is capable of doing her half so we wouldn’t have to be this way.  We fight because she is selfish!  I am the one who has done the research and who is willing to work on things, to try things out, to work on myself, etc. and she refuses.  She is resistant to change and incapable of being in a monogamous relationship.

As if things couldn’t get any worse, I have some assholes pranking me now on my cell phone… It’s a bunch of guys and girls pretending to be “radio stations” and saying they’re “alcoholics” and need my help.  I am not even involved with the 12-step community… they asked me obnoxiously if I could help them with their alcohol addiction (I heard a bunch of people laughing in the background), and I said, “I’m sorry, but I am not a counselor or therapist; I’m a life coach,” and they said, “Fuck you ******” and hung up.  I am tired of being harassed.  I feel like everything in my life right now is going down hill.

Furthermore, I cannot leave this shit hole of a lifestyle until I have a steady job.  Right now I am doing coaching, yes, but I only have 1 paying client because I am not working a steady job right now so I am not “linked up,” ie: marketing, networking, etc.  I am doing what I can to market online and have offered some complimentary sessions to people, but most of those people, like everyone I am meeting, have stood me up, probably because it’s true that when you offer something for “free” it’s not taken seriously.  I basically need to only accept clients who are willing to pay for my services in order to not get yanked around.

The housing environment I am living in is controlling in every way, shape, and form, and I do not have any space to live or breathe — I do not feel supported in any way and do not have any friends that I relate to.  I have gone to several events, on average about 2 a week now, which is huge for me, and I have met several people, and only one group I bond with.  The group of people I bond with are create, mixed bag of “Highly Sensitive” persons.  It’s basically a discussion group based off a book, “The Highly Sensitive Person,” and it meets once a month in different parts of PA — not exactly that accessible.

At any rate, I bonded with the people there.  As a “Highly Sensitive” person, we are sensitive to stimuli — sound, light, noise, textures, etc.  We need things quiet, like nature, enjoy reflecting, reading, writing, etc. — have exceptional empathetic skills, psychic abilities (vary person-by-person), creative, bright, etc.  The group ranges from people ages 40-70, and I really got along with the group.  I was happy there and felt safe.  I was also engaged.  It felt good.  So yeah, peers my age I do not typically fit in with, which doesn’t mean I am not willing to try, just simply that I know what works for me.

In terms of work, I am putting myself out there, and I have not heard back from anyone.  I do not understand this phenomena, as I am a very hard worker.  I am honestly thinking that this is a time in my life that is supposed to be absolute hell (turmoil) for me.  Nothing is working and everything is failing.  There are “good” days and there are bad, and the bad far outweigh the good.  I was happy in Vermont, but quite frankly, I don’t think, or know how much geographical location should play a part in one’s happiness… I think that happiness should be and start internally.

Tonight I am going to go to this “business” networking event where there will be 150 people.  I have never been to anything like this, and I am a bit nervous and already having doubts about it.  150 people is a lot of people.  I can stand small groups, but large groups drive me nuts and are overwhelming.  The business meetup is also at a sports bar which bothers me, and I cannot help but think, “What is this world coming to?”  ie, why can’t the  meetup be at a non-smoke/alcohol place where everyone can enjoy it?

I just don’t know which path/direction to take… I want to go back to school, but I also don’t want to hide behind school, and I also think that I need to be working first before enrolling in a graduate program.  I need income.  I have only a little left in my bank account… I sold my car, which is how I have been paying for every day living, but what’s left will only hold out for so long…

All of my tarot readings keep predicting major negativity.  And no, not all tarot card readings are negative, and no, “tarot” cards (for anyone reading this) are not “satanic.”  Some people have natural gifts and abilities, and I look at the cards quite literally… they’re cards with pictures depicted on them (and no, they are not haunting images) that we project our subconscious onto and tell a story with.  They are found in the “game” section at stores.

At any rate, I am happy to have found my “people,” ie: the 40-70 year old’s, but they all live in the upper class and wealthy neighborhoods.  They have shown me around and have offered to introduce me to their friends, which is great, but it’s a good 1 hour and 30 minute bus ride each way out to their area.  I live in South Philly; they live in Mt. Airy and tons in Chestnut Hill (suburbs of Philly).  So yeah…. It is just lonesome for me right now, and I feel like my world is falling apart…

In terms of the MMS — Magical Mineral Solution… I am still taking it hour by hour.  The taste is still disgusting (this started after 6 weeks of taking it).  It seems to be working.  I am now on a higher dose of thyroid medication (MMS seems to be interfering with the absorption of the pill) which is making me feel jittery.  I was on 50 mcg of thyroid supplement before and it made me hyper (the opposite of what I am) thyroid, and I had to lower my dose to 37 mg.  If 50 is too much and 37 not enough, I will have to take matters into my own hands and do 37 one day and 50 the next, etc.

I just want things to fall in line for me; I have so much potential, and I just don’t know what’s happening… I honestly wonder if it’s fate, and am scared that I have lost something essential needed to live my life.  Which brings me to say, “What in life is really necessary?”  Maybe this is some sick lesson about my priorities… maybe all we need in life is food, shelter, clothing, friends, and God.  If that’s the case, to the hell with everything — screw work, etc.  Really though… if I can’t even find work, attract clients, friends, etc. then SOME thing in my life is not right.

I need answers.  ie, divinely answers.  God, do you want to speak to me?  Am I supposed to be going to this bar tonight, God?  …to meet other “business” people?  Is “business” even where I’m supposed to be?  “I’m a writer for god-sake,” I think to myself.  And to those readings this, I assure you I am not lost — just a little off the beaten path.  At any rate, “God, do you want to guide me on which path and direction I am supposed to take so that my life can go smoothly?”

April 27th, 2011. Influences, wishes, and desires.

There are two women who have been in my life that still hold a special place in my heart.  These women are Ashley and Jen — two very positive people.  People might ask why Jen, when she was so flaky and unreliable, and to tell you the truth, despite her inconsistency, contradictions, back and forth, push/pull behavior, she was in love with life and it was contagious.

Ashley shared this joy, but with the reliability piece :P  Both of these women nevertheless helped shape my life, and I thank them for it.  I miss them both dearly.  I think they, or Jen rather thought I was too “emotional” for her tastes.  Jen would always joke with me and say we were so “different” (quote) — that we just “looked at things differently” — Amanda said the same thing to me.  Jen and Amanda were supposed “Sensors” in the mbti — as opposed to the “Intuitive” I am, so of course we looked at things differently!

At any rate, their energy for life really rubbed off on me, and the positivity was really healthy.  I have been surrounded by negativity for far too long — I am depressed and feel like I have reached the end.  I feel stagnated and entirely devoid of trust.  I really want my life to turn upside down — for fate to change, for the better.  I need an opportunity — a shift, for my perspective, etc. to change so that I can be joyous and free again.  I am not sure how I let these prison gates define me?

How have I imprisoned myself?  In what ways?  I long to break free, out of this shell and launch into a new life.  I guess the choice starts with me.  Why am I so afraid?  — to take risks?  What do I need that will enable me to do this?  How can this misery end and construction be discovered?  I want to rejoice in life, not dread it.  I feel like I’m breathing in pollution — the “air ways” literally and figuratively are being polluted, and I can’t breathe… I am choking.  I am exhausted.  Sleepless nights get the best of me.  I have insomnia.  I have nightmares.

I miss poetry, music, lights, art, friends, laughter, camping, bicycling, rollerblading, doing fun stuff — things that Erin and I do not have in common and that she refuses to even try.  Her closed-off ness and unwillingness I cannot change — God bless her for the suffering she experiences.  I try my best to always stay open — I think I have done well.  I have remained vulnerable and open to learning (Jen was perhaps one of the only people I have ever dated to have opened up my heart to love and unconditional self-regard and acceptance)

and sharing and trying — perhaps too open in that regard.  At any rate, I have tried, successfully to keep my guard down and to rid the “iron gate,” which permeated my soul and spirit for far too long.

I think we limit ourselves; little do we — I in this case, realize all the choices

we have — the vast array.  There is “life” here.  Perhaps I need to open my eyes… to release… to surrender… to something greater…

to know that I can overcome this difficulty and triumph.  Somewhere, I think to myself, there has to be integrity… a soul that cares, a person that is real, a lover who is consistent — but wait, it must first start with myself.  Am I being consistent?  Am I being honest with myself?  Am I lying and deluding myself into believing there’s something “there” when there’s not — that she — Erin is the right person for me?

We all know she is not.  Correction:  I know that she is not, yet we try, because why?  Because we “want” it to work?  Two people need to surrender.  How different are we, I ask?  Are we worlds apart?  …far, few, and in-between?  Does she respect and appreciate my sensitive nature?  I am a poet, a lover, nurturing… I am loving, and strong.  I am devoted, protective — can you stand for this?  I think we missed our mark.  I was not the chosen.

It escapes me.  I let you fall through my fingertips.  Here’s an idea for you:  Don’t let go of that which you treasure; it will only burn and bury you.  Be honest with yourself and your motivations, your intentions, your feelings — stay true to all you know.  Do not compromise your values or allow yourself to drink or thirst for something that does not serve you.  You will die and be left unchosen.  I never wanted to be alone in and with this, and perhaps I never was — perhaps this entire time I had God on my side but could not see — too wrapped up, caught-up in the lesser problems of my life, the trivial matters to see.  But all along, he (the “God” of my understanding) has been there.  My eyes have just been shut…

Prayer:  Please crack them open so that I can see.

God, make yourself known to me.  Seen, heard, and felt.

March 13th, 2011. “Down Poison” by 3 Doors Down.

“Down Poison” -3 Doors Down.

I’ve dreamed about this,
Sixteen days away
Now you’re here,
And my head lays besides your body,
Pillowed under mine
You were poison,
Spinning round my mind
Welcome to my world
She said, do you feel
Alive she said
It’s all a bad dream,
Spinning in your lonely head,
Welcome to my world,
She said, separated world,
She said, separated,
Down poison,
Down poison,
Body withered,
Body died,
Time to take away this life
Bad enough to die from one,
Not to mention
Four or five
Welcome to my world
She said, do you feel alive she said
It’s all a bad dream,
Spinning in your lonely head
Welcome to my world she said,
Separated world,
She stayed separated
Down poison, down poison
Down poison, down
You weren’t there for me, I was there for you
You weren’t there for me, I was there for you
You weren’t there for me, I was there for you
You weren’t there for me, I was there for you
You wouldn’t die for me, I’ve died for you
You wouldn’t die for me, I’ve died for you
You wouldn’t die for me, I’ve already died for you
You wouldn’t die, you wouldn’t die, you wouldn’t die!
Welcome to my world she said, do
you feel alive she said
It’s all a bad dream,
Spinning in your lonely head
Welcome to my world she said,
Separated world, she stayed separated
Down poison, down poison
Down poison, down.