4/21/12 – Ashley and her mother dream


There are numbers that play again and again… last night I dreamnt of her.  This wouldn’t be the first time… Elliot Yamin, The Notebook, Titantic… all those things.  Anyway, I dreamnt last night that her mom got a divorce and bought a new house.  My deceased grandfather was even in the dream and the “Somebody I used to know” song by Goyte in the beginning.  Ashley and I didn’t talk at first because she was still stuck on gaining her mom’s approval, and her mom didn’t talk to me at first, but I slowly made conversation, and eventually she talked to me.  Ashley also eventually came around because her mom liked me.  Her mom and I talked about Alanon and going to church!  I think that’s funny because I actually left a book on her doorstep that’s Christian, but a book that women in Alanon use!   It was an attempt to finally make peace between us and a sign of respect and sincerity. Anyway, it was very interesting and touching… I saw Ashley in the dream and thought she was beautiful, and I respected her and was very graceful.  I truly cherished her.  Her mother learned to open up to me and started talking to me about things, and it was the beginning stages of her accepting that I might just actually be a good person (before, she always thought I was this huge bull-dyke who turned her daughter gay).

The dream moved me and opened up some doors.

Expression and boundaries


So I’m really embarrassed and kind of self-conscious.  I went to hang out with Jen tonight, Ashley’s ex.  On my way over there, she told me that “Koger” (My ex, Sarah) was going to stop by.  I figured, “Okay, whatever.”  I nonchalantly wrote it off, but I was really nervous because I felt (feel, rather) fat right now because my thyroid meds are off again – that, or my lyme disease has re-birthed itself.

Anyway, I was (am) still very self-conscious.  I am not sure what to think right now because I revealed some information to them that I may later regret, that might hurt the person I care about.  I revealed that I still kind of have feelings for my ex, Ashley, (their former best friend).  Sarah is still facebook friends with Ashley, and Jen could easily talk to her if she wanted.

At any rate, they poked fun at me tonight, and I could tell they weren’t taking it (my feelings) seriously.  I felt (feel) really raw and vulnerable right now.  I want to be able to let my feelings out, but I don’t know who to talk to, and I also don’t think I am articulating what I feel correctly.  I don’t “want” Ashley in the kind of way(s) that Sarah was joking about… it is not a lusty thing… I want to be friends with her again, honestly.  I want to do fun things together and talk (reminisce) about old times.  I want to start over again and just have a good time and talk for hours about people and life.

Tonight I was talking about things like buying her a car someday and possibly marrying her because she is the “one” for me (I know this without a doubt – that she is the kind of person that I want to be with, and I have never, literally, met anyone like her – similar to me, strong, beautiful, willful, and graceful, and have never come across another person that I feel the way I do when I’m with her).  At any rate, they kind of poked fun of me for it.

Sarah brought up how I’m going to “afford” to buy her a car if I’m only doing resale right now, saying, “How are you going to afford to buy her a car someday when you’re only selling shit,” and I said “I will make it happen; it will happen.”  I kind of changed the subject then when Kari (Jen’s girlfriend, my very first girlfriend) somewhat unexpectedly arrived because I felt embarrassed.  I was already embarrassed talking about it all because I knew they didn’t take me seriously.

I told them to watch the Notebook, and stated that I was (am) the “guy” in the notebook, and it’s not make-believe… they probably think I am delusional, I wouldn’t put it past them.  Sarah made a comment about how I knew Ash had gone to visit Mudlavia on my birthday, and I stated that I had seen it online… I didn’t want to tell her that I saw it through one of Ashley’s friends, but I did because she phished for information.

I told her that Crystal had told me that Ash is straight now, and so I clicked on the first guy on Ash’s friend list, and ironically it ended up being her current boyfriend, or what looks to be her boyfriend… and that in the pictures it showed them at Mudlavia.  That’s the truth – I didn’t look at any of her other friends… I clicked on his name because the few times I’ve gone to Ash’s page, he always shows up.

Anyway, I am afraid now what they (mostly Sarah, but Jen, too, I guess) will say to Ashley.  I asked both of them to kindly not say anything to her for fear of embarrassed on both my part and Ashley’s part, and Sarah said “Ok.”  I know how she is though and she will say something.  She will say something just to stir shit up.  She likes drama.  All I want to do is talk to Ashley again.

Like the song:  “Till the sky falls down” by Dash Berlin

“All I need is one good answer

To understand why you are gone”

It doesn’t make any sense why Ashley would cut me off out of nowhere and yet she claims that I still have “feelings” for her as if she doesn’t!  She is clearly denying them, but we will just keep it at that.  If that’s where she is right now with herself and in her growth, I will respect.  But I am allowed to talk about it, I just don’t know whether or not I can trust Jen and Sarah to not say anything.  It’s a shame I can’t talk to Ashley herself about this.

And I do have a life outside of Ashley, trust me… I work 60+ hours a week for myself.  I literally bust my ass, and though it’s hard work, I love having the freedom and flexibility of setting my own hours.  Anyway, this whole thing just seems absurd.  I’m probably better off keeping my feelings to myself and reserving them for my journal.  I truly do believe in a strong element of fate, and I know that when something is supposed to happen, it will.  I am going to (this is my plan) continue to live my life, “One day at a time” as Alanon puts it (Alanon can be credited for a tremendous amount of my growth) and see what happens.

I just wanted to get this out there.  I don’t even want to know what lies ahead for me.   I am trying to stay positive, but I know without a doubt that Sarah (and possibly) Jen are going to say something to Ash, which will likely sabotage any chance I may ever have at being friends with her again.

I know that my feelings of ambiguity will lessen over time as the universe (my Higher Power) provides me with more clarity about myself and others.  I know that I will continue to grow and learn and make the right choices for myself.  In the meantime, I will continue living my life and learning to trust myself and lean more on my Higher Power rather than others.

Thoughts…


“How long will you run and hide and dance with shadows, my love?”

It doesn’t matter how many times I post this or how many posts I make, it won’t [can’t] stop you from being yourself… that is a decision you have to make yourself.


My mother did it, and she is still riddled with blame, self-denial, guilt, and regret.

But every once in a while I will see glimmers of who she used to be… who she is beneath the surface, when she’s honest with herself and others.

June 7th, 2011. The Contemplation of Death. Existential Matters.


You know, something we don’t think about often is death.  I keep getting the “10 of swords” and “5 of pentacles” is nearly all of my tarot readings.  Tarot plays off ones subconscious and works via quantum physics similar to the law of attraction.  The cards are not “evil” as some religious folks might believe – they are impressions in image-form.  In other words, we think certain things and have a subconscious and the images reflect this subconscious domain.

Both of these cards are dis-favorable cards, and I have drawn them more times than I can count.  The reality is my health is not in good shape and is compromised.  My ear-node pain is getting worse.  I have it in both ears, although the right side (also where my asymmetrical tonsil is located) is worse, and it gets so bad sometimes that it radiates to my upper jaw, causing a headache in back and front and then finally neck and shoulder pain.  The ear-node pain is worse when I am stressed out and cold air makes it worse, however, the pain comes and goes at any time.

All other symptoms, ie: hair loss, joint pain in hand/fingers, weight gain (and loss), fatigue (extreme), dry/red/bloodshot eyes, hot/cold flashes, occasional night sweats, etc. are so trivial compared to the ear-node pain, which on a 1-5 scale is about a 4 most of the time, sometimes hitting a 3 and other times a whopping 5.  I am too young to be having these kinds of issues.  Whatever I have going on — this “viral” illness that I came down with either in August of 2008 or Fall of 2007 (I became extremely sick both times) has caused my thyroid to stop working and one thing after another (in my body) to shut down.

At any rate, I am concerned, and I am now thinking about what would happen if I died… ie, if what I have going on is serious, ie: cancer, a tumor, etc.  The cards that have continually popped out are standing out.  “Cards” aside, I have a health issue that is progressively getting worse and nobody knows what it is.  One agency — IGENIX — a top lyme-testing lab in Palo Alto, CA, has diagnosed me with chronic lyme disease and yet the CDC (Center for Disease Control), which we all know has too “low” standards, states that I only meet 3 out of 5 criteria for lyme and so I would technically not have it.  This in and of itself is a huge controversy within the lyme community.

Needless to say, I am thinking about existential matters.  On my way home tonight from NJ after having ran errands and bought groceries I pondered, “What are the 12 things I would like to do before I die?”  ie, if you found out you had 6 months to live, what would you do?  So it has me thinking… and I know that sounds depressing, but lets be prepared for the worst-case scenario.  What do I really have here?  My things — they mean nothing; they will parish when I do.  “What matters to me?”  Death really makes you contemplate.

I cannot help but wonder how many people have had near-death experiences that have changed their lives.  Will I have one?  I can’t tell you how many psychics I’ve been to — trusted ones (my family used to go to one — Ms. Nancy Bowman) who have told me I will have a “cancer” scare — and “scare” or not, that may involve surgery, death, etc.  At any rate, it makes you think — “What is ‘life’ (this thing I have not even begun to fully experience) all about?”  “What will/would I like to do if I was going to die in 6 months and knew it?”  “What things would (will) I have experienced?”

My first thought, or one of my first thoughts was “I wish I had money (I don’t have any savings or inheritance, what can I say?) I would give it to Ashley and to Jen’s little brother, Jessy.”  I say this not because I think money has worth, but because I believe that it can get people somewhere — it can provide opportunity.  I want to see little Jessy go to college; I have desired that from him since I first saw him, because he deserves it.  At any rate, I do not have money, so what can I give?  That brings me to say “What would I do?” ie, listing 10-12 things before my life runs out.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

How often and how many of us really think about this?  At any minute any of us could come down with a terminal illness — what are the things (journal) that would want to do given your 6 months to live?

I had told Erin tonight that I would be happy just knowing that I have discovered my purpose – do you know how rare and precious of a gift that is, especially for someone my age?  My purpose is to Serve — to be a vessel, a catalyst for others — to create opportunity and prosperity.  I am interested in providing for myself, my future family, and the community — providing financial and educational opportunities.  Maybe I would have never had a chance to live out that dream; however, I am grateful for having had the clarity to discover the purpose.

I discovered my purpose while in Vermont, which was the best (most life-enhancing) experience of my life.  It really opened my eyes up, and I am thankful (gracious) to have experienced it.  I met some wonderful people and for the first time in my life can say that I discovered “family.”  We choose our family.  Anothe thing, I discovered I had choice in Vermont, and I also found (for the most part) my Voice.  I was able to express myself there for perhaps the first time and was encouraged to express myself and develop my potential.  People (the community) supported me — my interests, well-being, etc.

I will have to think about how to answer this question.  10 things

April 27th, 2011. Influences, wishes, and desires.


There are two women who have been in my life that still hold a special place in my heart.  These women are Ashley and Jen — two very positive people.  People might ask why Jen, when she was so flaky and unreliable, and to tell you the truth, despite her inconsistency, contradictions, back and forth, push/pull behavior, she was in love with life and it was contagious.

Ashley shared this joy, but with the reliability piece :P  Both of these women nevertheless helped shape my life, and I thank them for it.  I miss them both dearly.  I think they, or Jen rather thought I was too “emotional” for her tastes.  Jen would always joke with me and say we were so “different” (quote) — that we just “looked at things differently” — Amanda said the same thing to me.  Jen and Amanda were supposed “Sensors” in the mbti — as opposed to the “Intuitive” I am, so of course we looked at things differently!

At any rate, their energy for life really rubbed off on me, and the positivity was really healthy.  I have been surrounded by negativity for far too long — I am depressed and feel like I have reached the end.  I feel stagnated and entirely devoid of trust.  I really want my life to turn upside down — for fate to change, for the better.  I need an opportunity — a shift, for my perspective, etc. to change so that I can be joyous and free again.  I am not sure how I let these prison gates define me?

How have I imprisoned myself?  In what ways?  I long to break free, out of this shell and launch into a new life.  I guess the choice starts with me.  Why am I so afraid?  — to take risks?  What do I need that will enable me to do this?  How can this misery end and construction be discovered?  I want to rejoice in life, not dread it.  I feel like I’m breathing in pollution — the “air ways” literally and figuratively are being polluted, and I can’t breathe… I am choking.  I am exhausted.  Sleepless nights get the best of me.  I have insomnia.  I have nightmares.

I miss poetry, music, lights, art, friends, laughter, camping, bicycling, rollerblading, doing fun stuff — things that Erin and I do not have in common and that she refuses to even try.  Her closed-off ness and unwillingness I cannot change — God bless her for the suffering she experiences.  I try my best to always stay open — I think I have done well.  I have remained vulnerable and open to learning (Jen was perhaps one of the only people I have ever dated to have opened up my heart to love and unconditional self-regard and acceptance)

and sharing and trying — perhaps too open in that regard.  At any rate, I have tried, successfully to keep my guard down and to rid the “iron gate,” which permeated my soul and spirit for far too long.


I think we limit ourselves; little do we — I in this case, realize all the choices

we have — the vast array.  There is “life” here.  Perhaps I need to open my eyes… to release… to surrender… to something greater…

to know that I can overcome this difficulty and triumph.  Somewhere, I think to myself, there has to be integrity… a soul that cares, a person that is real, a lover who is consistent — but wait, it must first start with myself.  Am I being consistent?  Am I being honest with myself?  Am I lying and deluding myself into believing there’s something “there” when there’s not — that she — Erin is the right person for me?

We all know she is not.  Correction:  I know that she is not, yet we try, because why?  Because we “want” it to work?  Two people need to surrender.  How different are we, I ask?  Are we worlds apart?  …far, few, and in-between?  Does she respect and appreciate my sensitive nature?  I am a poet, a lover, nurturing… I am loving, and strong.  I am devoted, protective — can you stand for this?  I think we missed our mark.  I was not the chosen.

It escapes me.  I let you fall through my fingertips.  Here’s an idea for you:  Don’t let go of that which you treasure; it will only burn and bury you.  Be honest with yourself and your motivations, your intentions, your feelings — stay true to all you know.  Do not compromise your values or allow yourself to drink or thirst for something that does not serve you.  You will die and be left unchosen.  I never wanted to be alone in and with this, and perhaps I never was — perhaps this entire time I had God on my side but could not see — too wrapped up, caught-up in the lesser problems of my life, the trivial matters to see.  But all along, he (the “God” of my understanding) has been there.  My eyes have just been shut…

Prayer:  Please crack them open so that I can see.

God, make yourself known to me.  Seen, heard, and felt.

April 27th, 2011. Innocence and purity.


Why is it that innocence dissipates as people grow older?  I cannot tell you how often I witness this… where relationships are tainted… they’re full of comparisons, expectations, demands, etc.  Every GLBTQ (queer) event I go to everyone has “been” with everyone and everyone is talking dirty… I hate it.  I honestly wonder if the innocence exists anymore, anywhere?

I dream of a love where it is like brand new… where, yes, we’ve had past lovers, but those relationships are no longer baggage for us — where the ego has been removed and exists something spiritual — where comparisons are non-existent and we are just in the moment, together, fully surrendered.  I know I am not “dreaming.”  I know this is possible because I am this way… in that I have retained the innocence…

Perhaps I am being vague… It’s hard to describe, and I may not be able to until I have been out more and experienced more, yet being out more just seeks to disappoint me as I witness more of it.  I do not even relate to the gay community.  Not here anyway… much less in Indianapolis, the closest city to where I grew up, etc.  I think I am a different kind of “gay” person.  I don’t have that crude rawness.  I am not into joking about how many bitches I’ve “banged,” strip clubs I’ve gone to (none by the way), etc.

The “innocence” I am describing is more than just this… I cannot articulate it at the moment.  The best advice I can give is to google “Tarot card 17 the Star” — that is my card.  Here is a description of it:

Star – Tarot Card Meaning:

The star represents the confidence of youth. The young girl is innocent in life, full of hope and inspiration. She is in anticipation of what will be. Want to find (or regain) a sense of meaning, inspiration, or purpose to your life and hope your future will be better than your past. It’s the call of destiny that motivates you or compels you to go on. Your desire is NOT in vain, and that which you are yearning for will ultimately find fulfilment.

Courage, hope, and inspiration are in your life. Great love will be given and received. Wisdom, spiritual enlightenment, progress toward goals and knowing what these goals are.

-Biddy Tarot.

Basically it’s about pureness… renewal… innocence… looking at things with an open-ended curiosity and freshnessI long to have this connection with someone… and I must say that it’s rare.  ie, selflessness, honesty… truth.  Revealingness.  Vulnerability.  Willingness — These are things I would die for… to have.  I often speak in my poems of missing the “life” I never had.  “Too many years wasted” — it’s a shame.  My [trust] has been broken, and I need to surrender to something — perhaps spirit?  My tendency is to surrender to another and then I am devastated.

Trust is rare and is a precious gift… it should not be underestimated.  I want to meet other beautiful, innocent souls like myself — people who care, people who are genuine.  I miss that freedom.  My ex Jen, despite all of our troubles and ups and downs with her alcohol issues, had this innocence I speak of… it was young and pure… a natural curiosity about the world and an untainted body.  We shared a connection that no one could take away or defy.  When she was not drinking and we were “connected” it was there.  I could feel her.  She was open, open to learning and experiencing, to life.

Erin is closed off.  I am now closed off.  I try to open up, but inside I feel like a shriveled up grapeThe spark, the inspirational — all has died.  I don’t write as much anymore, I don’t do photography… or make art like I used to, or listen to music the way I used to… I don’t even go to concerts.  I don’t enjoy parks.  I am depressed and lonely.  I am disconnected from my, the spiritual source — the very thing that feeds and nourishes a soul/spirit.

I will end with saying, there isn’t any truth in a lieMust we die twice before we’re officially dead?  And only then can we be resurrected, “born again?”  Faith, my card — The Star.  May she rebirth…

February 24th, 2011. Save myself.


Well, now that I am going to live my “own” life I have to figure out how I am going to do that.  I feel like one again I am having to shut my heart off in order to continue walking.  I feel like I am having to harden myself so that I can keep on going, and I don’t naturally like to do this being someone that is very sensitive and gentle.  At any rate, I now need to take care of myself the best way I know how and get myself to a place where I can self-sustain.  I need to be able to “carry my own weight.”  I have a feeling that on this road, one of the lessons will be learning to take risks and chances.  I hate taking risks and chances and prefer predictability.  I understand that progress comes in bounds and leaps.

If this is my life then “what am I going to do with it,” I ask?  The world is a playground and this is my showroom, and it’s a chance to shine… I am sure that I will fall as I’m “out” there.  To be really honest, I am afraid to be “out” there.  I am afraid of this whole “sink” or swim deal.  What is life without someone?  I feel like I have been emotionally alone for too long and the last thing I want is to not have someone to rely on and have to solely rely on myself emotionally because I have already had to do this and it’s been very difficult…

“Us against the world” -Musiq.  There isn’t any “Us against the world” anymore… Ashley and I are through, and I just need to get her out of my head.  You know, the truth is, all I really needed (wanted) was a friend… but the simple fact is, she’s cut me off for reasons of her own, and I just have to move on.  She wants me to “move on” fine.  I will move on via action, but not heart.  The heart may take some time… I am not someone who has multiple commitments… that is not me.  I tend to be very faithful and true to causes and persons I believe in.

At any rate, I will force myself to move on via action and honestly try not to get a chip on my shoulder or too jaded when I come home from a jaded world and want nothing more than to have a woman there to help “soften” (comfort) me.  We all need that comfort, and I have never had it.  I have always been the “strong” one, just naturally… it’s hard to find an equal.  Ashley was an equal of mine.  I don’t even want to mention her name anymore, as it hurts so bad I just want to laugh to try and deflect the pain.  I am angry and sad at her choice to cut me off, and I just want to run away.

I can (and should) be able to make things work for myself out there… out there in this “world.”  I am a pretty tough cookie.  I remember when I was little wanting to do SWAT, or the DEA.  I love cop shows.  I am interested in protective custody, too… ie, children.  I am interested in protecting and serving.  At any rate, I guess it’s now time to protect myself.  Every time I try and get Ashley out of my head I can’t.  I sit here, and I think, “Wow, I’m going to be all grown up and she’s going to be married.”  I don’t know, I guess that just goes to show my lack of faith in society right now, because the reality is, God and the Universe work in mysterious ways.  For instance:

I watch this video, something I once (and still, in the back of my mind and deep inside my heart) believed in, and I think to myself, “Maybe I won’t get that lucky.  I am definitely a force to Reckon with.”  I am strong and persistent.  There is a fine line… I guess there is also a time and place, and now is the time for me to let go.

I have only been able to sing this song to two people — Ashley (originally, and still) and then my previous counselor/confidant “Syndee” who’s heart had no bounds and where boundaries were extremely blurred.  “Undefined.”  I guess love has no bounds…. it’s true, it cannot be defined or exacted… it’s not a science.  It’s just simply chemistry… something we try and figure out when we get scared or are simply curious, but we can’t, because it just is…  Soul-mates are one amongst a few, and they are great opportunities for us to learn about ourselves, others, and life.  They come and go, but I think it can be said, that for some those connections and ties never change.

So I will “pull up my bootstraps” so-to-speak and continue trucking.  I am not going to let anything stop me or get in the way of my own success, which I define as the ability to be self-sufficient and take care of myself.  I know that I am capable of being successful and living passionately and purposefully.  My dream is to inspire… to make change.  Ashley has no clue who I am and what I’m capable of, but that is okay, because there will soon come a point where I will be out there “on my own” officially, and I will have no one but myself to turn to.  I will make it work for myself, and I can only hope that by then, and if, and eventually that I can let a woman, and another woman into my heart…

“Dreams unspoken, this price is our token” –a line in a poem I once wrote.  “Words cannot describe, words cannot define this thing between you and I.”   Someday… not right now.  I will choose to live.  If she wants me to move on, fine.  I want to move on, too, for me… to grow up.  For me to be able to move some of this energy and get it, things going.  To do.  To stop sitting on the sidelines planning my attack so-to-speak.  To just be and trust.  “I can make it on my own.”  Instead of the song, “Just the ‘two’ of us,”  that “two” will be me and my little girl inside… that tough, strong, independent, rambunctious, energetic, alert child:

Now I owe it to myself and my little girl…