4/21/12 – Ashley and her mother dream


There are numbers that play again and again… last night I dreamnt of her.  This wouldn’t be the first time… Elliot Yamin, The Notebook, Titantic… all those things.  Anyway, I dreamnt last night that her mom got a divorce and bought a new house.  My deceased grandfather was even in the dream and the “Somebody I used to know” song by Goyte in the beginning.  Ashley and I didn’t talk at first because she was still stuck on gaining her mom’s approval, and her mom didn’t talk to me at first, but I slowly made conversation, and eventually she talked to me.  Ashley also eventually came around because her mom liked me.  Her mom and I talked about Alanon and going to church!  I think that’s funny because I actually left a book on her doorstep that’s Christian, but a book that women in Alanon use!   It was an attempt to finally make peace between us and a sign of respect and sincerity. Anyway, it was very interesting and touching… I saw Ashley in the dream and thought she was beautiful, and I respected her and was very graceful.  I truly cherished her.  Her mother learned to open up to me and started talking to me about things, and it was the beginning stages of her accepting that I might just actually be a good person (before, she always thought I was this huge bull-dyke who turned her daughter gay).

The dream moved me and opened up some doors.

Relatives with bipolar


All I want are healthy relationships… I feel like I am building a healthier relationship with myself.  The truth is however, I love someone who has bipolar.  Rather, I care for someone  who has bipolar.  I am concerned.  Bipolar runs in my partner’s family.  I think her mother may have it, too.  Speaking of “mother’s,” I think my mother might have it, too.  Or rather, my aunt.  “Technically,” she’s my aunt (I was adopted, and my biological mother and adoptive mother are sisters).

Anyway, Ashley’s mother was bipolar, too.  I’m being reminded of what Ashley went through right now, as I’m living here in the same apartment complex as Ash did and where her mother still coincidentally resides.  I am probably feeling the same, or similar feelings as Ash did when trying to deal with her mother.

I cannot describe the thoughts, feelings, and emotions – the experience (experience = perception and perception affects thoughts and actions) that run through your body when your loved one is acting out.  Erin went from being normal to enraged to sad and apathetic within a matter of 20 minutes.  She went from raging and shoving me and throwing a chair to crying at the same time to crying and profusely apologizing.

She has agreed that it’s time to get her medication changed.  Anyway, I wanted to add a lot more to this entry, but I am going to an auction tonight to get more stuff for the flea market.  I would like to have the time to process this later, as I think it’s very important to process events and experiences.

I guess I just wanted to say that I think I am growing and that I now believe I understand first-hand what Ash had gone through for years…

February 6th, 2011. Driving after drinking; irate!


I am upset right now because Erin just drove her cousin home after having drank 2.5 tall cans of beer (this equates to 4 regular-size cans) and then to her mother’s house after promising me less than 1 minute before she walked out the door that she would NOT drive after drinking and would instead make Lori drive!  Erin had told me that she would be home “soon” –that she needed to drop off her mother’s car back at her mother’s house and had agreed to drop Lori off on the way.

When I found this out, I told her I did not want her driving after she had literally just finished downing 4 beers!  She said, “I’m fine, Emily.” I said, “No, you’re not… you should not be drinking and driving even after having had only one because you are putting your own and other people’s lives at risk.”

She then had her brother drive her home after had too had been drinking!  I specficially asked her to not have him drive her home if he had been drinking, and she said, “I will decide if he’s drunk.” She was talking to him at the time, and I had asked her to ask him right then and there if he had been drinking, and she refused.  She and I both knew that he had; she just wanted a ride.  I would have said to Erin, “Erin, I want you to walk home.”

I am angry at her for telling me one thing, and once again, doing another.  This is not uncommon practice for Erin.  She will often tell me one thing and then when push comes to shove she cannot follow-through with the promise; in this case, a matter of life or death.  The bulshit excuse that “it won’t happen to me” that you hear is very ignorant.  If someone has had anything to drink at all, they should not be driving.  Erin knows better, yet she does not care –she insists on doing it “her” way and doing “what she wants, when she wants.”

Erin claims that she has “changed” –that she is a “changed” person, yet she continues to display irrational, poorly constructed behavior.  What I mean by “changed” is she had said to me last year that she had gotten into a head-on collision with a semi-truck (A U-haul (quote) “I think — I don’t remember… you have to understand that my head hit the steering wheel”) one evening around 6AM in the morning at 19 years-old after having driven home from her ex girlfriend, Jen’s, house an hour away high and drunk.

She had gone out to the bar earlier that night and gotten drunk and high (on Xanax, which she obtained from her cousin, Jen) and wanted a “booty call” (quote) and called Jen up to ask if she wanted to have sex and ended up getting into an accident on her hour-long drive home.  She was apparently speeding very fast and was still drunk and high.  Sadly the police officer who filed the report did not even catch the fact that she had been drinking or bother to breathalize her!  In all honesty,  I wouldn’t be surprised if she talked her way out of it.

At any rate, she claims she’s “changed” yet she continues to display the same irrational, hurtful behavior.  I am so tired and fed-up with her.  One of the women in my meetup group stated that when I am finally (truly) “fed-up” I will leave.  I hope to soon.  I honestly am trying to change my lifestyle and make better decisions for myself.  I want to meet positive, good, value-minded people.  I met someone online from one of the meetup groups I’m involved in who reminds me of Ashley.  We haven’t met face-to-face, and I do not think she’s gay, but my point is, I have met someone who I suspect is similar to Ashley, which is a good thing, because it means there’s still hope for reciprocal friendships!

I am going to go now and listen to music for a while;  I just needed to vent and get this off my chest.  Never, ever, drive after drinking; it’s senseless and illogical!