April 26th, 2011. Scared and alone. Would rather die than live this way.


I did not get much accomplished today at all… I made some phone calls to business owners and to my school to try and get some direction on which career path to pursue that will enable me to enjoy what I do.  I am scared to death right now because Erin and I just had a huge blow up, and I am embarrassed to even post this.  It is insanity for me to think that things have or will change.  She didn’t answer her phone today for over an hour while working and her story changed twice.  She told me she went to the bank and was there for a “half” hour.  Later she said that she just got some ten’s for her drawer… I hate to say it, but it does not take a “half hour” (quote) to get ten’s for her drawer, and that still doesn’t account for the other 45 minutes.  She told me lost her phone and called me from her work twice and I do not have a single call from her work on my phone.  She then told me didn’t call at “all” because she was “in a hurry” (quote), completely contradicting herself.  I texted and called her more times than I can even count and she did not respond once.

Erin does not go anywhere without her phone.  The other day she had me bring her pants to her work because her pants were splitting.  I did.  I stayed at her work out in the common area that day and did some coaching sessions.  I walked up to her booth to surprise her and there was a girl there who was acting really funny with her… I almost thought they knew each other or something… Erin gave the girl a discount and the girl said, “That’s so sweet of you…”  The girl then asked Erin for her name, and flirtatiously smiled and said “Thank you” and looked back at her while walking away… Erin looked at me and acted shocked and surprised.  I said, “What was that all about?”  She said, “I have no clue…”  Erin then fed me some line about how she told the girl to save her 20 cents etc. so she could get to the last two customers.  It’s a long story, and I don’t want to get stuck in the details, but I basically about broke up with Erin at this point because I had had and seen enough.

The simple fact remains I do not trust her, and I am living with this every day.  Some days are good, some days are bad.  I never know what to expect.  She is unpredictable and inconsistent and yet I cannot seem to walk away.  I feel trapped, especially now since I do not have a car.  I am in this crazy situation and too emotionally wrapped up to walk away.  I feel sick to my stomach.  Today I thought about how I’d rather be dead than live with this… today was probably the worst day I’ve experienced in a long time, and I haven’t thought these thoughts in a while.  I am usually a pretty optimistic person, and so it’s pretty bad when I experience this.

I feel like my life is once again (like last summer) spinning downward into a hole.  I am sitting here and reminiscing about the past and all of the “lovers” I have had that were deeply troubled and disturbed, ie:  Annie, Katey… and I am in shock at how things ever came to this.  I am seriously beginning to question and doubt myself and my own decisions.  I am afraid for my life and afraid I will never have “normal” relationships again.  I am afraid that the early relationship I had with my mother has ruined my life.  I am now, whether I like it or not, attracted to really screwed up people with a lot of psychological problems.  I am tired of the baggage and very afraid.  I do not know how to move on with my life and it’s eating away at my self-esteem…

This relationship has caused me to lose my mind.  I feel like all the life has been drained from me a long time ago and I am just a zombie… I have not felt safe with Erin, Annie, or Katey, as they all had some major psychological issues and addictions – sex and drugs.  I am wanting to pick up the pieces to my life and am sick.  I am so afraid that when I feel like this I want to honestly check myself into a hospital.  I have no one to reach out to me, no friends here… I am too afraid to get out and meet people… I have tried… I am a 30 minute subway ride away from the nearest college campus… without a car, which I don’t regret, but I am now limited to just my feet.

I would die twice right now to have an old close friend help me out, but unfortunately we’ve all gone our own ways, and I am on my own… people have given up on me because they’ve given up on themselves… and maybe I too have given up on my-self.  I do not feel supported, loved, or nurtured in any way.  I keep choosing partners who are not right for me and who are unavailable.  I do not expect them to make me happy I don’t think… I just want someone that shares similar values and interests.  I feel disconnected from God.  I am ready to die.

I felt connected in Vermont, but even then, I lost myself when I started dating Erin, and things haven’t been the same since.  She tore me apart and isolated me from friends and family.  She never supported my endeavors and was clearly jealous, ie: of me going into business for myself, etc., of me having friends, etc. — everything threatened her.  She pressured me — to move in with me, threatening if I didn’t she would “replace” me with someone else, etc., threatening this, that, etc.

I need help.

March 19th, 2011. May the fate prevail -step-by-step.


I met up today with Albert after he got off work and we talked about our lives and updated each other.  He told me about his son and vented his troubles, hopes, fears, etc. he’s been having with him, and I told him about how my mother talked my step-father out of helping me financially with my treatment for lyme disease and how my biological father insists I help myself because he claims to not have the extra money right now; mind you, he is paying megabucks for an overseas dating service and flying all over the world looking for a new, young, bright, wife in his new, hot convertible.

Albert and I concluded that I am pretty much on my own, and it’s a shame.  It honestly is really sad.  He said that there’s something seriously wrong with my “family,” but then again, we have known this.  He also said he feels this may be part of the reason Erin is taking advantage of me.  He said (he is from another country) that when men realize their wife is on their own and that their family does not support them, they look down on them and start taking advantage of them.  I told him that it should be the opposite of that, and that if the family does not support the partner, the partner should be mindful of that.  At any rate, that is not the case.

With that being said, I am in a dependent situation due to my poor health, and am not receiving any support from all directions.  I have fortunately thought up a plan, and I am going to try my hardest to stick to it.  It goes like this:

1.  Treatment
2.  Job
3.  Home
4.  Support
5.  Vision

Basically my treatment recovery comes first before all else.  I need to get myself back to a place where I can be able to work again and be productive so that I can eventually get out on my own, in an area (community) that I can be proud of, ie: Burlington, North Carolina, California, etc.  Likely Burlington or North Carolina.  I have never lived in North Carolina, but if it’s anything like Vermont I think I would be happy there.  I love trees and mountains and liberalism.

At any rate, then will come the vision, which I believe as long as I take all of the right steps in the right direction, will fulfill itself.  I will be happy — in my family and career.  I will be in a place of optimal productivity — this is the plan.  I fully believe in this plan and do not see there being a problem as long as I take the necessary steps that I need to to get better.

I wanted to share these 3 videos, in this order, because they just came to mind:



I have never really experienced love.  It is just a concept.  It is sad that I do not have a family that I can reach out to — that both sides of my family have basically left me estranged.  There must be a lesson in all of this because sometimes the tragedy is such an atrocity that shakes me at my very core that it doesn’t even seem worth living.  It’s a hard “pill to swallow.”  I have thus turned to friends as “family” and unfortunately many of the “friends” I have chosen have taken advantage of me and partners unfit to be partners.

What this all comes down to for me is self-respect.  I will have to do it on my own and see what I am made of.  I believe this is character-building.  I am being shaped, and there is a lesson to learn.  I am strong, and I am also compassionate.  I am outspoken and have a strength and tenacity that is rare.  I am strong and vulnerable at the same time.  I am capable.  I am a survivor and will excel and succeed in my own right.  I will set-forth standards for myself and follow them.  Ashley was right when she said, “Emily your core issue that you can do it alone..but don’t believe that you can.”

“Life Of My Own” by 3 Doors Down.

Living risky,
never scared, wander
Closer to the edge
Nothing valued think no fear,
Always wondering why you’re here
All your purposes are gone, nothing’s
Right and nothing’s wrong
Nothing ventured, nothing gained
Feel no sorrow, feel no pain
Kiss me while I’m still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms,
Let me live and let me learn
Now I’ll follow my own way, and I’ll
Live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice,
Remember when this was my life
Looking forward, not behind
Everybody’s got to cross that line
Free me now to give me a place,
Keep me caged and free the beast
Falling faster, time goes by,
Fear is not seen through these eyes
What there was will never be,
Now I’m blind and cannot see
Kiss me while I’m still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms, let me
Live and let me learn
Now I’ll follow my own way, and I’ll
Live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice,
Remember when this was my life
Kiss me while I’m still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms, let me
Live and let me learn
Now I’ll follow my own way,
And I’ll live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice,
Remember when this was my life.

The – my vision is what will carry me.  In this “sink or swim” world, I will swim.  “They’ll have to beat it out of me,” I think to myself.  I will surrender only to one thing – God.  I will submit only to God and under “good orderly” direction, those trusted – far few and in-between.  The human spirit is resilient.

I have never had a family, and it is that very thing that motivates me.  I am like a star too hard to follow.  I will chart my own path and leave dust.  “Chalk it up.”  I have what it takes -I am capable of getting out of this position and moving to a position of greater freedom and happiness.  I want to pray to God right now.  “God, whatever I have done to deserve ill, poor health, I am sorry.  Please allow me to learn the lesson so that I can move on and do something good with my life.”

“Looking forward, not behind
Everybody’s got to cross that line
Free me now to give me a place,
Keep me caged and free the beast” – 3 Doors Down.

No one will hold me down.  I will prevail.  I will take this step-by-step, day-by-day to free myself from this mess, this cage, this “mess” that I have got myself in.  I know that there is a lesson, spiritual in nature, for me to learn.  I will learn it, and I will move forward.