Journal entry 9/10/12 6:45AM


Journal entry 9/10/12 6:45AM


When she gets up, I get up because my mind won’t stop going (obsessing, PTSD) like a movie on replay. I, even in my own body, am triggered and flooded with flashbacks of things – earlier times, trauma, etc., where I trusted her, like my father trusted my unstable mother and she failed to meet his needs and live up to her own expectations (she was out sleeping with other men).

The traumatic cycle is no fun, and it will keep you up at night, and can keep you from falling back asleep… It’s insanity – the PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder), like when a war victim arises in a dead sleep in the middle of the night unable to go back to sleep, flooded with fear… this is how I feel.

Every time she gets up in the morning, I feel defeated by my own thoughts, which at this point, I can’t seem to turn off. I am not “crazy,” as my sick mother likes to project onto me, in my obsessing (flashbacks), I am traumatized.

 

What’s worse is nothing numbs the pain, and I just long for a “normal” lifestyle. I just want to live a normal lifestyle and not hurt all the time.

Every time she acts out, it just adds another layer to the cake. I have debated, when the pain gets bad enough, as a direct result of her selfish, cruel, impulsive, calculated actions, finding someone new, and while I may have tried this in the past, leaving my partner, it never worked, and I’d always come crawling back out of guilt (shame) and missing them… probably out of some false sense of security, but it (the pain, panic, longing, etc.) was nevertheless that real in that moment, beyond what you can truly imagine, beyond your wildness dreams.

I actually missed the very thing I walked away from so much that I caved and went right back to it.  It’s a never-ending cycle and hard to get away from. I actually had withdrawal when I left the last time and moved 8 hours away on my own. I moved back to the town where we had first met because that was the town I fell in love with and where I had lived before, and was having withdraw from just being there without her.

It didn’t get any easier because I didn’t have any support, because I’d pushed away (alienated) all of my support by constantly talking about our problems, ie: her acting out (cheating, raging, lying, porn, fantasy, lust, etc).  My friends dwindled throughout the sickness, and I felt myself further isolated.

Still, it’s hard for people to understand the effects of living with someone who’s sick unless they’ve been there themselves, and let me assure you, they haven’t.

Most people can’t understand why you’re in a relationship like this, even if you grew up with it, because they think you’re an “adult,” and don’t understand the dynamics of it.  You can just walk away like it’s a piece of cake.

It’s been my experience that many people act like it’s an “easy” solution and it’s not that easy when you’re in it. Then, you’re bound/prone to repeat the abusive/painful cycle with someone new without even realizing it.

Developing awareness can help, but it isn’t a safeguard, which is important when you’re suffering with PTSD, because all you want is to feel safe, in our case, emotionally; sometimes, physically, and the more “relationships” you’re in like this, the more cynical (distrusting) you become.

It’s also hard because when you finally get therapy, therapist’s because therapist’s generally overlook the fact that you have PTSD because you aren’t some typical classic war victim – shot in both legs and physically disabled, equally invalidating and counterproductive to healing.

Speaking of “invalidating,” I think many of us with PTSD, whether it’s a result of childhood abuse, a single traumatic incident, or relational trauma, need to be validated, because emotional support is crucial.

Either way, it should not be overlooked and a proper diagnosis of PTSD given and an appropriate treatment plan. Because you’re out of your mind if you think you’re going to get out of this alive, and on your own.

 

Anxiety and wonder


I am tense, and I have anxiety tonight, and I hate feeling this way.  It’s not often I feel like this.  I have a lot on my mind and a lot of inventory scattered all over the place that needs cataloged and put in storage.  Between having things on my mind and stuff scattered all over the place, I am all nerves.  So I just found out tonight that Ashley lives in Chicago – I heard it through the grapevine about a week ago and now have a pretty good suspicion.  I’m not sure how I feel about it… but I have a tightness in my chest.  I feel dis-ease.

I remember when I lived out in Burlington, Vermont and said I would “never” move back to Indiana… I honestly didn’t think I would.  But I did.  Many of my friends have said the same thing – that they’ll “never” move back to Indiana, but they do.  I am praying that Ashley will move back.  How else are we supposed to have a friendship afar?  I guess we did before…

Anyway, I saw a picture of her tonight online with a guy and it looked like she had an engagement ring on, and I think my heart sank into the earth.  I zoomed in on my computer (mac’s have that ability) only to find out that it was on her middle finger, which put my mind to ease.  Still, now I am wondering if it just didn’t fit on the ring finger?  Grr.  I don’t know, but I am sick to my stomach tonight and feel nerve-wrecked.  I am tired and have not gotten good sleep the past week because I’ve been doing inventory around the clock.

Anyway, I don’t really know what else to say and may delete this post later.  I just need to vent.  I don’t see how people can live their lives in denial.  They think they’re “over” the past yet it comes creeping up every single time and it’s not “over” yet.  Why run and hide?  I have changed so much and grown up, and I know that I am capable of being the person I needed to be in her life now.  I think I might organize some pictures now.  Tomorrow I want to work on getting things cataloged and put in storage.

March 13th, 2011. Exhausted.


I am tired and exhausted and just want to sleep.  Erin and I were going to go to a coffee shop tonight, and I am too pooped.  Speaking of “coffee shops,” I want to explore other coffee shops in the area, as I am getting tired of the three that I’ve been to – Chapter House, Bean Cafe, and Starbucks.  I am even tired of Borders which is forever away and full of a bunch of homeless people and PC-users.

I am going to look up coffee shops here soon.  There has to be an intimate one in the area.  Chapter House is okay, but it’s crowded and modern and doesn’t really have the “bohemian” feel I am looking for.  “Bohemian” may not even be the word… it’s just too modern and too crowded and you get a lot of college students.  There are however plenty of mac users, which is good, but it’s all young college folks.

I miss the coffee shops in Burlington which are very down-to-earth, artsy, and intellectual.  I miss that feel.  They would have real local trees as their coffee tables and plants all around.  They would often have live music…. there was a very authentic feel.  I miss that… speaking of “Burlington,” I was going through my stuff today, putting stuff away, and I found the popular, tourist, cartoon-style map of Burlington from when we went on our trip a couple of weeks ago.  I was tempted to cut it out and put it on the wall but didn’t want anymore clutter on the wall.  I then thought of another idea:  Framing it!

I thought to myself, “I need to feel like I’m at home when I’m in recovery,” and so it occurred to me that I could frame it.  I haven’t framed it yet, but it’s just a passing thought.  I probably would have by now, but I am exhausted.  This is part of being ill; I am always tired.  Granted, I did not get proper sleep last night, which complicates matters, but over all, I am not as energetic as I would like to be.  Aside from lacking the energy, I am often in excruciating pain.  I always have pain behind my ears… where the bone and jaw meet.  It’s this dull, aching pain constantly… it often hurts so bad that I clench, both my hands and jaw, which then causes me a headache and eventually a migraine.

The ear/jaw bone pain is always there.  2 years ago I thought that by removing my wisdom teeth the pain would be eradicated but it didn’t make a difference; it remains.  This pain started when I was in a very stressful, abusive relationship back in the fall of 2007.  It has come and gone, but now it is pretty steady.  I want to put a hot packet on it constantly to soothe it, but it only works so well.

I am also super duper sensitive to the heat and cold and have major heat and cold intolerance.  When most people are wearing sweatshirts I am bundled up in a winter jacket, gloves, and a hat.  When people are warm, I am extremely hot and need the AC.  My eyes are also slightly yellow and “sick” looking — they have been this way since fall 2008 when I first became sick.  I get fevers, the sweats, tingling in my hands, face, and feet.  I am miserable.  I have increased anxiety, depression, insomnia…

My mouth is always dry like cotton mouth, and it doesn’t matter how much water I drink; it won’t quell my dry mouth.  I am constantly getting infections… especially in my fingers and nose.  I am sick, and this lyme bacteria is killing me.  The list goes on and is actually quite detailed.  I have been tracking my symptoms steadily for 3-months now using a tracker.  Granted, if I wanted to, I could go back through all of my old medical notes, but I barely have the energy to do that.

I want to get better, to feel better, and to be revitalized again.  I want my health back!