Encounter with Ashley – I predicted it – Friday the 13th!


So it would be worth mentioning that I ran into Ashley last night at an art walk.  I had predicated, while working at the Mosey last month, (literally) that I would meet her at one of these “art” events, and sure enough, she was there!  I was actually referred to the event via another ENFJ, Beth, whom Barbara (last name), (INFJ), had introduced me to.
Anyway, Erin and I had looked at all the art galleries and were sitting in front of a tattoo shop in a couple of brightly colored chairs just people watching because we weren’t ready to leave yet, and sure enough, when I turned my head to the left I saw Ashley, with her boyfriend.  I immediately freaked out and said “OMG,” and flew out my chair while yelling to Erin, “LETS GO” and starting walking.  We started walking and turned into the first art gallery on our right, the first one we actually went to (Name of gallery).  I was completely okay until I saw Ashley and Jared looking into the window at a woman glass blowing beads.  It turned out that “woman” was Jared’s mother!  (I would later be introduced to her).

So Erin and I just kind of walked around in this art gallery, and almost immediately, when I realized that Ashley and her boyfriend were hanging outside of the shop and looking in I got weak in the knees… like never before… I honestly did not know that phenomenon actually existed, but I can attest to it first-hand.  Like, I was so weak in the knees you would have thought I was having a seizure.  I was afraid that other people could see.  Like, my legs were shaking badly.  I was… really nervous?  Like, the feeling that you would feel before getting up on a stage.  I was also wearing loafer-like low-heel square dress shoes because it went well with my outfit, and I wanted to stand out.

I am tempted to upload a picture of what I was wearing last night, but I’ll pass lol… I don’t feel like digging out the camera… I wore my shiny 1970’s flare/bootcut pants from France, a white short sleeve cotton polo with a brown t-shirt over the top, my square low-heeled business shoes, and my aviator sunglasses, which by the way, I did not take off!  I debated it and wanted to take off my glasses, but thought I was already bad enough looking weak at the knees and didn’t want to draw anymore attention my way.

Anyway, so she and Jared eventually came inside, and Erin and I just sat there swarming around, walking in circles, and I said, “What should I do??”  Ashley and Jared were now inside, I thought.  They stood still for a moment and started talking to some guy, an older gentleman.  I debated in my head whether or not I should say something to her… attempt to initiate a conversation… because I am not one to let a “moment” pass by.  I decided I would and needed to, otherwise I would regret it.  In the back of my mind, I had a nagging desire to understand why she cut me off – of course I did not address this (Update: 12/22/12-  I should have).

But I did in fact go up to her.  I actually gently, lightly tapped her on the shoulder/lower arm (she was wearing a purple dress).  I said something to her like “Hey Ashley, how have you been?”  She said she had just gotten back from a flight to and from AZ I believe? …for a “training,” for work.  I thought to myself, “Yup, that’s COMPLETELY Ashley!”  ie, work, trainings, etc.  I giggled inside.  I smiled.  I think Jared may have gone with her, but I am not sure…

Speaking of “Jared…”  I was introduced to him, and his father.  I believe (yes, I am pretty sure), Ashley introduced me to Jared’s father first, introducing me as her “friend” – to each his own, whatever suits her (Update: 12/22/12, ha).  I respected it, her anonymity – in fact, I continued to respect it the remainder of the night.  We would end up having two exchanges this night.

After introducing me to Jared’s father, she, after some time of small-talk, introduced me to Jared.  Prior to that, she said to Erin, “Oh, I’ve heard a lot about you.”  I was thinking to myself, “Just because you have heard a ‘lot’ about her does not mean I want to be with her (long story, and one I wish not to post on here).”  At any rate, Ashley was purposely very emotionally distant, clearly putting on a “poker” face… she had a “filter,” or image/forcibly facade up to cover up the fact that she may have been gay in the past.

It was evident that Jared (this shocked me) didn’t have any idea that we had been together

After the event, Erin asked me if Ashley gave me any “clues” as to whether she may still have feelings for me, or whether there was something “there.”  I only remember one incident with eye contact that would possibly reveal that, but for the most part, she (and I) were keeping up a very good “image” of “nothing happened or occurred between us.”  I don’t know why Ashley has gone this route, or gone into the “closet,” but just because I “left” Indiana does/did not mean that I would never come back, and now here I am, having subliminally come back for her, and I think it’s a bit of a shock to her.

Ohhh, and there was a time after about 10 minutes of introductions that Erin and I walked away and out of the art gallery to go back and sit in our comfy chairs a block or two down the road in front of the hipster-like tattoo shop.  Erin and I talked at this time, and I kept saying that I felt “extremely awkward” and that I wanted to “make it right,” for myself – that I had made a fool of myself, and that I just needed to collect myself and go “back in there” and try and smooth things out.  She was very upset and visibly insecure and did not want to go back in there, at which point I was/became angry because of the jealousy (she cheats on people, yet when I want to go and talk to my former love, she gets upset, despite the fact that I have been fully faithful to her, our entire “relationship,”), and insisted that she go with me.

After 15 minutes of coaxing we went back, and sure enough, Ashley and Jared were still there.  This time they were over by the bead maker, Lisa, who happened to be Jared’s mother, whom Ashley introduced me to.  Erin was hanging around the snack bar again, eating, and was quite a ways back – she refused to come with me to obtain “closure.”  Frankly, I just wanted to “neutralize” the awkward feelings from the first encounter.  Her pouting irritated me, like the insistence on coming back in while I went in a second time, but I dealt with it and headed back over myself.

Ashley started talking about a certain bead, the “Star,” ironically my tarot card!  …and how it’s her “favorite.”  I actually said to her, somewhat rhetorically, “It’s your favorite?” and she said “YES,” and went on to tell me about how “intricate” the bead-making process is and how much “work” Lisa puts into making them.  She then gave me a brochure that was displayed in front of Lisa’s setup and said to check out the site, stating that Lisa is trying to make enough money to go to school out in California.  I would love to be able to support her, as well as her grandmother’s grave, who I still need to (and will) go visit. (Update: 12/22/12:   I thought her grave was on 9th street – apparently not.  I have located the correct graveyard and have printed out directions to it.  I will be going to see it before I move back to Vermont January 31st, 2013.  Guests – I am moving back to Vermont to get my healthcare up-to-date and rehabilitated and to begin my Master’s Degree.  Fortunately, the Master’s Degree is “low residency,” so I can live anywhere while enrolled.  I will be in Vermont only until I get my healthcare up-to-date, and then I will be traveling out to California somewhere or Ashland, OR.  There is an off-chance I might come back to Indiana IF Ashley gets a hold of me, but I won’t hold my breathe.  I need to pursue my dreams, and if “It’s meant to be, it’ll be,” as Ashley always said.  I would, however, move back to Indiana for her, in a heartbeat).

Anyway, I almost forgot, Erin and I told Ashley to come visit the “Mosey” tomorrow night.  To my surprise, she had never heard of it… I told her that I would be doing professional tarot readings and that Erin would be making home-made dog biscuits and that the two of us make “record – art” out of vinyls.  She laughed and said she’ll have to check it out, but it sounded like she may have had another event planned.  I also told her that I would be reading tarot tonight at Bombay Hookah, hosting an “event!”  We talked a little about tarot since that is what I happened to be doing at the time, and she said, “That does not surprise me.”  I thought to myself, “Yeah, I have always been weird…”  We could not get in the time I wanted… When I talked to her the second time we were literally sandwiched in-between Lisa (Jared’s mother) and Jared and his father, whose name I did not catch – I am horrible with names!

I honestly could only get in and remember about 1/2 (or more realistically, 3/4) of what she told me because I was so damn nervous that a lot of stuff just went in and out one ear.  But yeah… she actually told me where she worked!  Bank of America :)  I am not even sure if there is one in Lafayette.  I asked her how long she has lived here, or maybe when she started dating Jared?  She replied:  “December 31st,” which I don’t know which year… 2011, I would assume?   I just remember things “changed” between us when she was very rude to me on New Years Eve (I felt so alone at that time – things were happening with Erin – she was acting out, Michael had just blown me off) when Ashley didn’t care to show any interest in me, and acted distant and very cold via text message.  Mind you, 2 months prior to that, or over the summer, I can’t remember, was when she told me she met a guy “just like you” (like me) and how she “can’t get over it,” “how ‘similar’ we are,” etc.

If Ashley was referring to 2011, which is likely the case, she moved back to Lafayette and into our apartment complex (which for those who don’t already know, she – and her mother, do not live here anymore) right around when Erin and I moved in and signed a lease.  Yes, I had dreams of Ashley moving back… I also had dreams of her mother buying a house, and sure enough, within a few short months of our lease, she would.

At any rate, there was so much I wanted to catch up on, and we didn’t… couldn’t.  I remember leaving the event and thinking, “There’s so much I could have said… or that I still want to say.”  When I got home, I added Jared and his mother as friends on Facebook.  This felt a little strange, but I wanted to be “supportive” of Ashley and her new relationship.

Oh, and the tarot card for the “day” was the 3 of Wands… from the Vertigo deck, which is slightly different than the traditional.  But the card in the Vertigo Deck basically deals with divisions… between people-energies… it also represents power, and independence.  Further, it can represent “explorations, heroic action, possibly involving sacrifice.”  In the traditional deck, it means success and potential and deals with future success… future possibilities and an alarming success rate.  At any rate, I am not sure how it ties into the situation (most situations it makes sense); it may be that I’m just not supposed to know right now, but will find out later.

Anyway, Ashley and I also talked about school… I said, “So are you going to go to grad school for your Master’s Degree?”  She said yes, but not right now… maybe in a year or two.  I asked her where at, and she said she was interested in some school in Massachusetts- “What a coincidence, I have been considering Harvard,” I thought!  Then she mentioned “possibly IU.”  I said, “Bloomington?”  She said, “Yes.”  I said, “Yeah, that’s a good school, I have been there.”  I said, “But I think you will like Massachusetts better :)  I would encourage you to get out of Indiana :P

Anyway, I still cannot understand why she cut me off… and maybe I won’t for a while.  I honestly don’t even know if the Walsh’s will add me to Facebook… (Update:  12/22/12:  They actually all blocked me the very next day.  Can you say two-faced?  Shock?  Perhaps Ashley felt threatened that her “secret” – me, and her sexuality, might be revealed).   Who knows.  All I know is that it seems like a big secret that Ashley is gay… she doesn’t want anyone to know.  I respected it.  I still have my own opinions.  I miss her incredibly.

In the car, on the way home, Erin started crying (note, she never cries), saying she was “scared” of losing me, etc.  Like I said, and not to invalidate her, but she pushes away the people she claims to love and sabotages the relationship by cheating on the person and childish, manipulative, selfish things that are downright atrocious, so I can’t fully sympathize with her.  At any rate, I reassured her that I wasn’t going anywhere.  I will leave that up to fate to decide.  I do know that I want to see Ashley again… I miss her.  She was my first, and only, love.

Update:  At the Hookah Club, I heard a song that reminded me of Ashley and I and the situation… I have posted a few of the different versions below.  I haven’t determined my favorite one yet lol.  I am going to burn them all onto a disk and go from there, because music is always best judged when played in a car!  At any rate, here is one version:

A remix (one of several versions).  Can I say this to her?

The song, along with the other versions and some other songs, are all posted on my Facebook, and they are in order of “flow.”  The songs, if you listen to them on my Facebook and note the order, are ordered to go with the mood.  Anyway, I really miss her… and I wonder if she thinks about me.  I wonder if she is going to continue to run away from herself and her feelings and rekindling.

I would stay in Lafayette if she would come back into my life.  I want to be friends with her, and I have been wanting this since I arrived back here last year.  In fact, I think subconsciously, I largely, came back from the East Coast for her.

At any rate, we’ll see what happens.

April 17th, 2012 Ashley and her new lifestyle


So I am not sure whether to be angry or happy for Ashley.  I know that sounds horrible, but I am a bit shocked and mortified to see that her profile picture on facebook is now of her and a guy.  She’s been dating this guy for a while, at least for a few months, and it’s petty clear.  Worst of all, the guy dresses like me.  Literally, when I saw their pic yesterday as Ashley’s main profile pic, I had on the exact same shirt on as the guy, no exaggeration!  …a button up long sleeve shirt, with a white T underneath.

To make matters worse, when I clicked on his profile to find out a little more about who the magical guy is, there are pictures of them at OUR place!  …literally, “OUR” place – Mudlavia!  wtf?  Okay.  You know, she calls me a year ago and tells me how she met this other guy “just like me,” etc… I mean, “just” like and goes on and on obsessively, and how we’re “soooo similar,” and she “can’t get ‘over,’ it.”  Riiiight.

I am angry, and I am not going to worry about it much anymore.  If that’s the lifestyle she’s going to choose to lead, then she can lead it.  I don’t differeniate gender or let it confime me.  Erin brought up the fact that maybe she hasn’t told this guy that she’s been with woman… who knows… I doubt that, because Ashley is very open about everything, but who knows.  At any rate, I don’t define myself according to predisposited “gender” roles.

There really isn’t much else I can say other than the sickness in my stomach has gone away, and I literally feel angry and likely very shocked at what I see.  It is what it is… I haven’t felt this way in a while; I think the last time I felt like this was when Ashley was with Crystal, and I regretted having screwed up with her.

I have changed, 100%.  I know that I can make her happy.  I know that we can make each other happy – that is the furthest thing from her mind though, and I have to and will respect that.  I am honestly about to just try to “drop” all of this… I am so tired of it.  I am hurt and turned off right now. 

I think I am going to get ready and go for a bike ride on my new fixie.  I want to get my body in shape and build it strong.  I want to live a long life.  I have dreams and goals I have set for myself, and I plan to reach them.

January 8th, 2011. Christmas’s “theme” song.


I discovered a new song this past Christmas that I heard for the first time on the radio… it’s not very uplifting, but it reflects exactly how I felt on Christmas.  I remember being at the bank with Erin and we were fighting and so much was happening, and I just remember hearing this song and wanting to cry and/but absolutely loving it… Hearing it, sadly, started reminding me of Ashley (someone I deeply loved and cared for and respected –a good friend of mine) and my other friends back home… rather, my old friends… my “old life.”

Anyway, I was just reminded of it when I was going through my old phone and had a note to download it.  At any rate, I’m not sure what it reminded me of since my old friends are just that — maybe nostalgia?

Last night, I spent another lonely Christmas

Darlin’, darlin’, you should’ve been there

‘Cuz, all the ones I dream about

You are the one that makes my love shout

You see, you are the only one I care for

Remember the time we swam naked

In your father’s pool?

Boy, he was upset that night

But boy, was that ever cool

Remember that night we played pokeno for money

And you robbed me blind?

Remember how you used to scream so loud

‘Cuz, you, you hated that number 9?

Hey, I saw your sister skatin’ on the lake

This afternoon

Good heaven, how she’s grown

She swoons the boy skaters, she’s so tall

But of all your father’s children

All your father’s children, baby

You know, you are the finest of them all

You are brighter than the northern star

And I, last night, I spent another lonely Christmas

Darlin’, darlin’, you, you should’ve been there

You see, of all the ones I dream about

You are the one that makes my love shout

You see, you are the only one I care for, yeah

My mummy used to say, always trust your lover

But now, I guess that only applies to her

‘Cuz, baby, you promised me

Baby, you promised me, you’d never leave

Then you died on the 25th day of December, oh, baby

Last night, oh, I spent another lonely, lonely Christmas

Darlin’, baby, you, you should’ve been there, oh, oh

‘Cuz all the ones I dream about

You are the one that makes my love shout

You see, you are the only one I care for, yeah

Your father said it was pneumonia

Your mother said it was stress

But the doctor said you were dead

And I, I say it’s senseless

Every Christmas night for 7 years now

I drink banana daiquiris till I’m blind

As long as I can hear you smilin’, baby

You won’t hear my tears

Another lonely Christmas is mine

Yeah, mine, yeah

Another lonely Christmas is mine…

 

Last night, I spent another lonely Christmas
Darlin', darlin', you should've been there
'Cuz, all the ones I dream about
You are the one that makes my love shout
You see, you are the only one I care for

Remember the time we swam naked
In your father's pool?
Boy, he was upset that night
But boy, was that ever cool

Remember that night we played pokeno for money
And you robbed me blind?
Remember how you used to scream so loud
'Cuz, you, you hated that number 9?

Hey, I saw your sister skatin' on the lake
This afternoon
Good heaven, how she's grown
She swoons the boy skaters, she's so tall

But of all your father's children
All your father's children, baby
You know, you are the finest of them all
You are brighter than the northern star

And I, last night, I spent another lonely Christmas
Darlin', darlin', you, you should've been there
You see, of all the ones I dream about
You are the one that makes my love shout
You see, you are the only one I care for, yeah

My mummy used to say, always trust your lover
But now, I guess that only applies to her
'Cuz, baby, you promised me
Baby, you promised me, you'd never leave
Then you died on the 25th day of December, oh, baby

Last night, oh, I spent another lonely, lonely Christmas
Darlin', baby, you, you should've been there, oh, oh
'Cuz all the ones I dream about
You are the one that makes my love shout
You see, you are the only one I care for, yeah

Your father said it was pneumonia
Your mother said it was stress
But the doctor said you were dead
And I, I say it's senseless

Every Christmas night for 7 years now
I drink banana daiquiris till I'm blind
As long as I can hear you smilin', baby

You won't hear my tears
Another lonely Christmas is mine
Yeah, mine, yeah
Another lonely Christmas is mine

Last night, yeah, I spent another lonely, lonely Christmas
Darlin', darlin', you should've been there, yeah
'Cuz all the ones I dream about
You are the one that makes my love shout
You see, you are the only one one care for