April 26th, 2011. Scared and alone. Would rather die than live this way.

I did not get much accomplished today at all… I made some phone calls to business owners and to my school to try and get some direction on which career path to pursue that will enable me to enjoy what I do.  I am scared to death right now because Erin and I just had a huge blow up, and I am embarrassed to even post this.  It is insanity for me to think that things have or will change.  She didn’t answer her phone today for over an hour while working and her story changed twice.  She told me she went to the bank and was there for a “half” hour.  Later she said that she just got some ten’s for her drawer… I hate to say it, but it does not take a “half hour” (quote) to get ten’s for her drawer, and that still doesn’t account for the other 45 minutes.  She told me lost her phone and called me from her work twice and I do not have a single call from her work on my phone.  She then told me didn’t call at “all” because she was “in a hurry” (quote), completely contradicting herself.  I texted and called her more times than I can even count and she did not respond once.

Erin does not go anywhere without her phone.  The other day she had me bring her pants to her work because her pants were splitting.  I did.  I stayed at her work out in the common area that day and did some coaching sessions.  I walked up to her booth to surprise her and there was a girl there who was acting really funny with her… I almost thought they knew each other or something… Erin gave the girl a discount and the girl said, “That’s so sweet of you…”  The girl then asked Erin for her name, and flirtatiously smiled and said “Thank you” and looked back at her while walking away… Erin looked at me and acted shocked and surprised.  I said, “What was that all about?”  She said, “I have no clue…”  Erin then fed me some line about how she told the girl to save her 20 cents etc. so she could get to the last two customers.  It’s a long story, and I don’t want to get stuck in the details, but I basically about broke up with Erin at this point because I had had and seen enough.

The simple fact remains I do not trust her, and I am living with this every day.  Some days are good, some days are bad.  I never know what to expect.  She is unpredictable and inconsistent and yet I cannot seem to walk away.  I feel trapped, especially now since I do not have a car.  I am in this crazy situation and too emotionally wrapped up to walk away.  I feel sick to my stomach.  Today I thought about how I’d rather be dead than live with this… today was probably the worst day I’ve experienced in a long time, and I haven’t thought these thoughts in a while.  I am usually a pretty optimistic person, and so it’s pretty bad when I experience this.

I feel like my life is once again (like last summer) spinning downward into a hole.  I am sitting here and reminiscing about the past and all of the “lovers” I have had that were deeply troubled and disturbed, ie:  Annie, Katey… and I am in shock at how things ever came to this.  I am seriously beginning to question and doubt myself and my own decisions.  I am afraid for my life and afraid I will never have “normal” relationships again.  I am afraid that the early relationship I had with my mother has ruined my life.  I am now, whether I like it or not, attracted to really screwed up people with a lot of psychological problems.  I am tired of the baggage and very afraid.  I do not know how to move on with my life and it’s eating away at my self-esteem…

This relationship has caused me to lose my mind.  I feel like all the life has been drained from me a long time ago and I am just a zombie… I have not felt safe with Erin, Annie, or Katey, as they all had some major psychological issues and addictions – sex and drugs.  I am wanting to pick up the pieces to my life and am sick.  I am so afraid that when I feel like this I want to honestly check myself into a hospital.  I have no one to reach out to me, no friends here… I am too afraid to get out and meet people… I have tried… I am a 30 minute subway ride away from the nearest college campus… without a car, which I don’t regret, but I am now limited to just my feet.

I would die twice right now to have an old close friend help me out, but unfortunately we’ve all gone our own ways, and I am on my own… people have given up on me because they’ve given up on themselves… and maybe I too have given up on my-self.  I do not feel supported, loved, or nurtured in any way.  I keep choosing partners who are not right for me and who are unavailable.  I do not expect them to make me happy I don’t think… I just want someone that shares similar values and interests.  I feel disconnected from God.  I am ready to die.

I felt connected in Vermont, but even then, I lost myself when I started dating Erin, and things haven’t been the same since.  She tore me apart and isolated me from friends and family.  She never supported my endeavors and was clearly jealous, ie: of me going into business for myself, etc., of me having friends, etc. — everything threatened her.  She pressured me — to move in with me, threatening if I didn’t she would “replace” me with someone else, etc., threatening this, that, etc.

I need help.