This says it all – Exactly what I believe


Noah, a young man from the working class, lays eyes on Allie and instantly falls in love with her. When Allie refuses his initial advances, Noah remains persistent, and eventually wins her affections. However, Allie comes from an upper class family that has very definite ideas about Allie’s future. Determined to keep Allie from destroying the opportunities her upper class lifestyle affords her, the family leaves the town of Seacrest, leaving Noah behind. Noah writes to Allie every day for a year, but the letters go unanswered, hidden from Allie by her mother. After the year is over, Noah decides to go on with his life, but never forgets the love he once knew. Eventually, after many years filled with hardship and happiness, fate steps in and Noah and Allie rediscover the love they lost.

Daughtry – Gone too soon [dedication]


I am aware that this song is about someone who has lost a child.  However, I like to imagine it being about a person that you’ve loved deeply and that you’re not together with right now…  “Today could have been the day that you blow out your candles and make a wish as you close your eyes” to me is about you and that person’s “could-have” been anniversary/wedding day.  This individual has great respect for this woman and even her mother.  He cherishes her more than life itself.

“One thing is evident, would have given you all I have, would have loved you like no other.”

The Fray – Heartbeat


This is my new favorite song :)

The Fray – “Heartbeat”

We’re on an open bed truck on the highway
The rain is coming down and we’re on the run
Think I can feel the breath in your body
We gotta keep on running ’til we see the sun

Oh you got a fire and it’s burning in the rain
Thought that it went out, but it’s burning just the same
And you don’t look back, not for anything
‘Cause if you love someone, you love them all the same
If you love someone, you love them all the same

Oh, I feel your heartbeat
And you’re coming around, coming around, coming around
If you can love somebody, love them all the same
You gotta love somebody, love them all the same
Singing, oh, I feel your heartbeat

I’m trying to put it all back together.
I’ve got a story and I’m trying to tell it right.
I got the kerosene and a desire.
I’m trying to start a flame in the heart of the night

Oh you got a fire and it’s burning in the rain
Thought that it went out, but it’s burning just the same
And you don’t look back, not for anything
‘Cause if you love someone, you love them all the same
If you love someone, you love them all the same

Oh, I feel your heartbeat
And you’re coming around, coming around, coming around
If you can love somebody, love them all the same
You gotta love somebody, love them all the same
Singing, oh, I feel your heartbeat

Ooh, ooh
I know the memories are rushing into mind
I wanna kiss your scars tonight, baby
‘Cause you gotta try
You gotta let me in
Let me in

Oh, I feel your heartbeat
And you’re coming around, coming around, coming around
You gotta love somebody
You got, you gotta love somebody
You got, you got
Oh, I feel your heartbeat

Oh yeah, oh yeah
Heartbeat

Faberdrive- “By your side”


This guy sincerely cares for this woman and is a good friend. Bless his heart.


Faber Drive- “By Your Side”

I’ll turn off the lights and let you sleep
Just close your eyes relax and breathe,
In slowly, no, don’t feel lonely
Cause, I’ll be right here, by your side
If you should awake into the night,
Keep dreaming
Cause I’ll be keepingYour, heart in mine,
Don’t you know I’ll always be near
Even in the hardest time,
Don’t you know I’m always right here
When you’re feeling lost
Don’t give up because,
It’s alright,
When you close your eyes,
I’m by your sideRemember the days when we would drive,
Into the night we’d watch the skies, of summer,
So full, of colour and,
Remember the days when waves would roll,
Up on the beach to touch our toes,
On soft sand,
My hand, in yours and,Your heart in mine
Don’t you know I’ll always be near
Even in the hardest times
Don’t you know I’m always right here
When you’re feeling lost
Don’t give up, because it’s alright
When you close your eyes,
I’m by your side

Laying flat on our backs
We stared up at the sky
We were laughing so hard,
We had tears in our eyes
Our future’s before us
Our worries behind,
Just you and I

I’ll turn off the lights and let you sleep,
Just close your eyes, relax and dream,

And keep your heart in mine
Even in the hardest times,
When you’re feeling lost
Don’t give up, because it’s alright,
It’s alright
When you’re feeling lost
Don’t give up because it’s alright
When you close your eyes,
I’m by your side,
I’m by your side, mhm.

Thrifting and good times – great memories!


I have been doing a lot of thrifting…


And while I was thrifting I saw a doll that reminded me of Ashley:

This doll entirely captures the expression of Ashley.

Rumor has it that she’s living in “Chicago” now although I don’t know whether or not that is true.  Anyway, I’m hitting celeb status for some reason.


Strangers


The “deep” stuff I probably shouldn’t post on here because it might scare some people away who are less in touch with their feelings…

“Our time apart, like knives in my heart…” -Nickelback

Thought to self:  If you didn’t deny (suppress, and repress) your feelings, you’d feel the same way…

I should probably just shut up before I push you away further, from your own feelings.  You’re – she’s “e strangulated.”

Have you ever loved or cared for someone who didn’t completely love themselves? … who’s life depended upon external validation, and who, when scared, would deny and suppress the very most sacred thing – one’s very essence?

I cannot make her feel… I cannot make her recognize herself.  I cannot make her see the beauty that she has inside.  I know on the outside she appears as though she has it all, but inside she thinks completely the opposite.  Why would she trust me when I hurt her?  Despite the fact that it was long ego, that doesn’t make any difference in her mind and heart.  The fact that I have changed does not register with her because she is still stuck in a world of suspended feelings.

I sit here, and I say, “I want to go back to that time,” only in present day, and if given the chance, I would… “When a voice from behind me…” -Nickelback

“That was fighting back tears…”  Nickelback.

I think that we all want to be happy.  She does not think that she can be happy with me.  Why?  Because I hurt her so very long ago… the biggest mistake of my life and the experience that changed me indefinitely.  And yet, she has not let go of this despite the fact that she will say otherwise, but “Actions speak louder than words” and “Talk is cheap,” and I can see what’s beneath the surface.

We run and hide because we’re scared, but you can’t continue to run away from love with out denying yourself the very essence of life, which leads me to say, “Are you who they want you to be,” or “Are you yourself?”  Who are you?  Do you run with those who don’t mirror you, those who invalidate you?  …those whose attention you want, who will never see the true “you?”  How long will you continue to run and hide?

I can’t be someone I’m not.  You move forward, yet you deny and pretend not to see the very thing that always saw through you.

“Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey

Just a small town girl
Livin’ in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin’ anywhere

Just a city boy
Born and raised in south Detroit
He took the midnight train goin’ anywhere

A singer in a smoky room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night

Working hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin’ anything to roll the dice just one more time

Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night

Don’t stop believin’
Hold on to that feelin’
Streetlight people

Don’t stop believin’
Hold on
Streetlight people

Don’t stop believin’
Hold on to that feelin’
Streetlight people

And perhaps from my small perspective, it looks like this.  This guy could be me singing this:

April 27th, 2011. Innocence and purity.


Why is it that innocence dissipates as people grow older?  I cannot tell you how often I witness this… where relationships are tainted… they’re full of comparisons, expectations, demands, etc.  Every GLBTQ (queer) event I go to everyone has “been” with everyone and everyone is talking dirty… I hate it.  I honestly wonder if the innocence exists anymore, anywhere?

I dream of a love where it is like brand new… where, yes, we’ve had past lovers, but those relationships are no longer baggage for us — where the ego has been removed and exists something spiritual — where comparisons are non-existent and we are just in the moment, together, fully surrendered.  I know I am not “dreaming.”  I know this is possible because I am this way… in that I have retained the innocence…

Perhaps I am being vague… It’s hard to describe, and I may not be able to until I have been out more and experienced more, yet being out more just seeks to disappoint me as I witness more of it.  I do not even relate to the gay community.  Not here anyway… much less in Indianapolis, the closest city to where I grew up, etc.  I think I am a different kind of “gay” person.  I don’t have that crude rawness.  I am not into joking about how many bitches I’ve “banged,” strip clubs I’ve gone to (none by the way), etc.

The “innocence” I am describing is more than just this… I cannot articulate it at the moment.  The best advice I can give is to google “Tarot card 17 the Star” — that is my card.  Here is a description of it:

Star – Tarot Card Meaning:

The star represents the confidence of youth. The young girl is innocent in life, full of hope and inspiration. She is in anticipation of what will be. Want to find (or regain) a sense of meaning, inspiration, or purpose to your life and hope your future will be better than your past. It’s the call of destiny that motivates you or compels you to go on. Your desire is NOT in vain, and that which you are yearning for will ultimately find fulfilment.

Courage, hope, and inspiration are in your life. Great love will be given and received. Wisdom, spiritual enlightenment, progress toward goals and knowing what these goals are.

-Biddy Tarot.

Basically it’s about pureness… renewal… innocence… looking at things with an open-ended curiosity and freshnessI long to have this connection with someone… and I must say that it’s rare.  ie, selflessness, honesty… truth.  Revealingness.  Vulnerability.  Willingness — These are things I would die for… to have.  I often speak in my poems of missing the “life” I never had.  “Too many years wasted” — it’s a shame.  My [trust] has been broken, and I need to surrender to something — perhaps spirit?  My tendency is to surrender to another and then I am devastated.

Trust is rare and is a precious gift… it should not be underestimated.  I want to meet other beautiful, innocent souls like myself — people who care, people who are genuine.  I miss that freedom.  My ex Jen, despite all of our troubles and ups and downs with her alcohol issues, had this innocence I speak of… it was young and pure… a natural curiosity about the world and an untainted body.  We shared a connection that no one could take away or defy.  When she was not drinking and we were “connected” it was there.  I could feel her.  She was open, open to learning and experiencing, to life.

Erin is closed off.  I am now closed off.  I try to open up, but inside I feel like a shriveled up grapeThe spark, the inspirational — all has died.  I don’t write as much anymore, I don’t do photography… or make art like I used to, or listen to music the way I used to… I don’t even go to concerts.  I don’t enjoy parks.  I am depressed and lonely.  I am disconnected from my, the spiritual source — the very thing that feeds and nourishes a soul/spirit.

I will end with saying, there isn’t any truth in a lieMust we die twice before we’re officially dead?  And only then can we be resurrected, “born again?”  Faith, my card — The Star.  May she rebirth…

March 22nd, 2011. Simple living and structure :)


I believe in living a simple, but rich life.  I know my priorities and what’s important to me, and this in and of itself delivers richness.  As I have minimized and gotten rid of stuff, I have realized just how valuable life is.  I never used to look at life this way, but I am realizing now how we only live once.  It’s a shame when I see people on the streets cussing and treating their children and family bad (disrespectfully).  Life is not meant to be lived that way, for God, or our Higher Power put us here to connect, live, breathe, and share.  Every day I am prioritizing, and the act of prioritizing never gets old to me.  I enjoy it.

Soon, proven that my health improves, I will be able to make some very good money and be able to support myself and eventually a family.  Education, travel, fun, laughter… these are the things that matter to me.  I need flexibility and creativity when it comes to a job/career.  I cannot be stifled, and I need the work to have a creative component.  I am about to buy some plants for my bedroom; I am really excited.  Did you know that plants breathe oxygen?  Yes, they do =)

I can’t wait to nourish them and buy nice organic soil for them and to water them every day.  I am excited.  I am also excited to keep my cat groomed and even more excited to have him shaved again this summer!

Last summer:
He loves sitting in the window, and I love watching him.  I am glad that life is becoming a lot more simple for me, and I am excited to buy a bicycle soon.  Every day I am checking Craigslist to see what comes up.  I am really looking to buy a red, blue, or green — preferably blue (my favorite color aside from green ;)) Schwinn Varsity — women or men’s, although I would prefer to have the standard “men’s” bike with the straight-style bar across the top.

The bike owner said I need a “48cm” frame and a 28″ stand-over height bar; I am pretty short!  5’4 :P  Eh ;)  So right now I am working on (still — a never-ending project) minimizing, sorting, and re-arranging my room.  I think that I am living the life of the “Artist’s Way,” as I believe that others have gone down the same road.

I am excited to eventually have my “structure” be official so that I can start maximizing my personal happiness and success.  The structure will enable me to build a foundation in which to build a successful life.

Back to work!