Crazy coincidences…


So curiosity has struck me because I keep seeing “Illinois” plates EVERYWHERE, and Erin suggested that it might be Ashley “thinking” about me.  This started on Memorial Day, and it’s been nuts – like, they will randomly jump out in front of me and are literally EVERYWHERE.  Anyway, so tonight, I can’t remember what prompted me, I googled Ashley’s name and stuff with her mother came up.  Before I go there, I wanted to say that it said Ash lives in Chicago… “Mylife” pretty much reveals everywhere you have lived… it even mentioned that Ash lived in Wisconsin..

So a few things… first off, I think it is very eerie that Ashley’s mom was on the news a couple years ago and traded in her silver dollars… when I literally collect them and buy them off people.  I literally (call it “luck” or what – actually, I think it’s karma, because I had some stolen from me in the past) paid $22 for 3 of them, and they together are worth $2,000.  The guy at the Fairgrounds said that he thought they were “fake,” but they turned out to be real!

Anyway, so here’s the news article I found with Teresa (Ash’s mother) selling them:  http://www.wlfi.com/dpp/on_the_money/people-seeking-alternative-ways-to-find-extra-holiday-cash  She got ripped off MAJORLY by the way, but that’s another story.  I collect them, and I would have given her $50 a piece for them!  Some of them can be worth good money.

Excited by what I had discovered, I bravely and likely in vain, sent Teresa a Facebook message that reads:

  • Emily A Cox
  • 21 minutes ago

    • Teresa,

      Hey, I saw your news article on the news. I actually buy silver dollar coins for $50 a piece. It looks like you sold quite a few! If you get anymore, I will buy them off of you.

      I hope you have been doing well, there are some great changes at Twkyenham! The pool is about to open, and I am super excited!

      I had a dream that you got a house! I hope you are doing well, and enjoying your new place.

      -Emily A Cox”

Anyway, then the saddest thing came up… and I have been thinking about, and have actually thought about this, several times… Ashley’s dearest grandmother… she passed away… exactly what I was afraid of.  Article:  http://hosting-5049.tributes.com/show/Ruth-M.-Leader-91169949

I want to apologize to Ashley for not being there… I didn’t have any idea she had passed sine Ashley cut me off right around the time of this article… if I had known that, I would have literally, flown to this funeral and been there with Ashley.  I am not exaggerating; I would do anything for that woman, and to support her… her grandmother was such a beautiful, nice, strong woman.  She died around the time Ashley and I met… “March.”  Granted, 8 years later.  Still, I do not remember the last time that I heard from Ashley…

The last conversation I had with her was while I was at the mall in New Jersey with Erin shopping for Mac’s… we had gone to the Mac store, then to the Disney store (for Erin), then to a food equipment store, and I had called Ashley somewhere in between… I think in the Disney store… and I had told her that I would be going to South Korea to teach English.  I am not sure of the month, but I honestly think it was right around the time her grandmother had passed… I had/have never heard from Ashley since, except that she no longer wanted to talk with me should my “feelings” come between her and a “future” relationship.

I wish I had the email from Ashley that she sent me departing our own ways, but I don’t… I closed the account… I might actually have it in a blog, I would have to check… Irregardless, I am shocked to learn that her grandmother passed, and I am more saddened than anything to have not been able to be a part of Ashley’s support during this trying phase, especially since she was there when my father passed away.

Article #2:  http://www.journalreview.com/obituaries/article_1a760b4c-534c-11e0-95d8-001cc4c03286.html

I just signed the guestbook… I will probably go and pay my respects and put flowers on her grave soon.

Some errie coincidences are coming up with this search… As I posted in a previous entry, I had a dream that Teresa bought a house… well, on one of the searches it says a house was either sold or purchased on April 21st 2012 to Teresa via Majestic Homes – IF it’s the same Teresa!  Weird weird weird… I do not have a connection like this with anyone else… the only two other experiences I have had were with my stray cat, “Buckeye,” 15 years ago and my ex, Jen… so strange.  Only Ashley.

THEN the woman who baptized me (My mother’s BEST friend) comes up: Dr. Sally Downham Miller – AEI Speakers Bureau, still in the “Teresa” search… what the hell! …ofall people!  Creepy!  Yeah… “Majestic HOME” sale:

2450 Estancia Lane Majestic Custom Homes of Lafayette Inc. Teresa A. Hull 3/15/2012 Lafayette $155,450.00 $300.00

2450 Estancia Lane… I am sorry, but this cannot get any creepier.  I dream of this woman… well, Ashley, not her mother, obviously ;)  …although, as I said, I dreamt that she purchased a house… in fact, I honestly want to go back and see when I dreamt it, because it may (actually, it was) right around the time that she purchased it!  I mean, I have had dreams of Ashley, where I am screaming her name… like, waking up and screaming her name.  I had one dream like this, and it was extremely powerful and intense.

I also had a dream that Ashley was coming to visit home, and sure enough, she did!  …the next day!  Erin swears we are meant to be.  Anyway, I have to go check this out.  As for everything else going on, a lot.  Re-instated, I picked up a part-time job to help supplement some money until South Korea next year :)  1 year in Korea, and I should be in a much better financial position!

Okay, ta ta!

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Yes, I just know…


I have gained 10 lbs since Ashley moved out “officially” April 5th.  I chalk it up to not walking past her apartment anymore – that, and depression.  I am clearly depressed now that she is gone… I really had hopes for us.  Tonight I posted on my Facebook:  “I am 100% certain that you are the person I want to be with, and if you were here right now, I would, without a doubt, ask you to marry me, and I don’t think I would regret that decision. I am here when the time is right. Whatever form you come back in my life, I will be here, waiting.”

I really miss her… I also sent her a picture of the moon:

because it’s supposed to be a full moon tonight…  I honestly don’t even know whether or not she receives my messages.  People will probably think I am crazy, but then again, they probably also think that Noah in the Notebook was crazy.  I definitely share his mentality.

I am not one to give up when I know in my heart that something is right, and note I said “heart,” not my head.  Ashley is not somebody I think I want, I know in my heart that the relationship is right for me, and it’s a conviction.

I am certainly open to other relationships and am not closing myself off to the chance of love or loving another, but I know that Ashley and I could be happy together… fulfilled.  I have learned my lesson and learned from the mistakes of yesterday… 9 years ago.

Noah in the Notebook waited over 7 years for Allie… It has been 9 years, and I am still waiting on Ashley to return… the difference is that her and I have stayed in contact since we broke up.  She just hasn’t talked to me for a year and a half… she randomly cut me out of her life out of nowhere.

Anyway, I just wanted to express a little tonight.  I am going to go work out now on my favorite work out machine – the row machine :-)

Thoughts…


“How long will you run and hide and dance with shadows, my love?”

It doesn’t matter how many times I post this or how many posts I make, it won’t [can’t] stop you from being yourself… that is a decision you have to make yourself.


My mother did it, and she is still riddled with blame, self-denial, guilt, and regret.

But every once in a while I will see glimmers of who she used to be… who she is beneath the surface, when she’s honest with herself and others.

May 5th, 2011. Doubts, insecurities, compatibility.


I feel like Ashley did right now with Crystal… constantly frustrated and stifled, yet hopelessly holding on.  Erin brought up the song the other day “All the same” by the Sick Puppies.

She was feeling insecure.  Now I feel this way and have this song blaring through my head.  Erin basically expressed doubt in us last night while and after we were intimate.  I hate this push/pull with her.  It’s very frustrating, and she sends off mixed signals.  She is never clear with what she wants or feels especially, and I am honestly not even sure if she knows what she wants sometimes.

She said something that I have unfortunately heard many times before — “we’re ‘too different.'”  Why is it these free-spirited women keep telling me that we’re “too different?”  They are strangely attracted to me and yes, our differences, yet at the same time they long for more, someone more like themselves, ie: on the “same page?”  I don’t get it.

She says that I need to have everything planned… that I want to spend certain time together whereas she would rather be more casual and just go out and come home when she “pleases.”  Obviously, but in my eyes, things — at least for me, don’t work that way.  At least not with her, or her type of personality… I want and need consistency with her because there has been so little of it.  Not to mention, there are some MAJOR trust issues between us because of her lying to me about things.  She rationalizes and justifies her behavior.

At any rate, she wants to just be able to do “what she wants, when she wants,” and doesn’t care about the time that it will take as long as she’s having a good time.  This is great for some people, but others let the fun carry away with them and get the best of them.  I have been really “lax” so-to-speak about Erin going out before and what ends up happening is she ends up drunk and out until really late.  I will not bring up her past, but lets be honest, that concerns me, too.

At any rate, the times that she has gone “out,” she pushes for more and more.  And then she meets people, lesbians, etc. who also want to go out and share the raunchy sense of humor she has, etc. while I am at home like a family “man,” or even if I’m out with friends for the evening, but I have to worry about things.  Or nevertheless, I do worry.  Yes, I have my abandonment fears, too.  Yes, I worry about promiscuity with her.  I am not a “free-spirit” when it comes to sex, partying, and drugs.  Erin says that stuff is in her past, but there are some personality traits that do not change and are always underneath the “surface” so-to-speak.

I don’t know, maybe I am in part afraid, but that’s based off past experiences with her — over 3 years just about, and off intuition, etc.  I am really trying here to just let her do her own thing, but there is so little trust.  I am generally a very trusting and optimistic person and so when that’s gone it’s bad, but even then, I am still willing to try.  Time and time again she has shown me that she cannot follow-through on what she says.  Even when we have been unable to be “intimate” for reasons which I will not mention here for the sake of privacy, she has disregarded these serious precautions and said “To the hell with it, lets go!”  I am sorry, but when my health and so much more is put at risk, I am not just going to “go to town!”

At any rate, she feels put on a “short leash,” but in my mind, it’s a making of her own behavior.  I am not this enemy, but she feels “strangled.”  Okay… I do not know what to say to that.  She feels strangled, and I feel uninspired.  Alright, so I can find inspiration somehow via friends and local events and she can somehow get her freedom back via building trust, ie: showing dependability, which she is unable to do.  She is late all of the time, pushes to be out later, etc., and so to put it simply, I constantly feel walked on.  I need reliability and since none was formed in the beginning, it needs to happen now so I can chill out!

She wants all of these privileges after she has abused multiple ones.  When trust is betrayed multiple times, it is not just all of a sudden “better.”  There isn’t a magical solution.  You can’t just “put it ‘behind’ you.”  Trust me, we have tried that so many times… The thing is, I am willing to give her a fair chance, but it’s not enough for her — she wants to be let off the string entirely.  Erin has issues with commitment.  I have issues with trust.  Well, we both have issues with trust lol, but she trusts me.  I have not hurt her.

I want to be able to give her the freedom she desires, but I honestly wonder if we will ever achieve a fair balance.  She works herself to death and then comes home and wants to spend the entire evening by and with herself — she doesn’t want to spend time cuddling or watching a movie.  She seems to not need or desire that “intimate” time together — that time was short-lived.  I miss that closeness and connection, which lasted maybe about 2 months in the beginning of our relationship.  I am a long-term person, not short-term.  I am not just about the thrill of the “chase.”

I am going to try and cope with the doubts she expressed to me last night to the best of my ability.

March 19th, 2011. May the fate prevail -step-by-step.


I met up today with Albert after he got off work and we talked about our lives and updated each other.  He told me about his son and vented his troubles, hopes, fears, etc. he’s been having with him, and I told him about how my mother talked my step-father out of helping me financially with my treatment for lyme disease and how my biological father insists I help myself because he claims to not have the extra money right now; mind you, he is paying megabucks for an overseas dating service and flying all over the world looking for a new, young, bright, wife in his new, hot convertible.

Albert and I concluded that I am pretty much on my own, and it’s a shame.  It honestly is really sad.  He said that there’s something seriously wrong with my “family,” but then again, we have known this.  He also said he feels this may be part of the reason Erin is taking advantage of me.  He said (he is from another country) that when men realize their wife is on their own and that their family does not support them, they look down on them and start taking advantage of them.  I told him that it should be the opposite of that, and that if the family does not support the partner, the partner should be mindful of that.  At any rate, that is not the case.

With that being said, I am in a dependent situation due to my poor health, and am not receiving any support from all directions.  I have fortunately thought up a plan, and I am going to try my hardest to stick to it.  It goes like this:

1.  Treatment
2.  Job
3.  Home
4.  Support
5.  Vision

Basically my treatment recovery comes first before all else.  I need to get myself back to a place where I can be able to work again and be productive so that I can eventually get out on my own, in an area (community) that I can be proud of, ie: Burlington, North Carolina, California, etc.  Likely Burlington or North Carolina.  I have never lived in North Carolina, but if it’s anything like Vermont I think I would be happy there.  I love trees and mountains and liberalism.

At any rate, then will come the vision, which I believe as long as I take all of the right steps in the right direction, will fulfill itself.  I will be happy — in my family and career.  I will be in a place of optimal productivity — this is the plan.  I fully believe in this plan and do not see there being a problem as long as I take the necessary steps that I need to to get better.

I wanted to share these 3 videos, in this order, because they just came to mind:



I have never really experienced love.  It is just a concept.  It is sad that I do not have a family that I can reach out to — that both sides of my family have basically left me estranged.  There must be a lesson in all of this because sometimes the tragedy is such an atrocity that shakes me at my very core that it doesn’t even seem worth living.  It’s a hard “pill to swallow.”  I have thus turned to friends as “family” and unfortunately many of the “friends” I have chosen have taken advantage of me and partners unfit to be partners.

What this all comes down to for me is self-respect.  I will have to do it on my own and see what I am made of.  I believe this is character-building.  I am being shaped, and there is a lesson to learn.  I am strong, and I am also compassionate.  I am outspoken and have a strength and tenacity that is rare.  I am strong and vulnerable at the same time.  I am capable.  I am a survivor and will excel and succeed in my own right.  I will set-forth standards for myself and follow them.  Ashley was right when she said, “Emily your core issue that you can do it alone..but don’t believe that you can.”

“Life Of My Own” by 3 Doors Down.

Living risky,
never scared, wander
Closer to the edge
Nothing valued think no fear,
Always wondering why you’re here
All your purposes are gone, nothing’s
Right and nothing’s wrong
Nothing ventured, nothing gained
Feel no sorrow, feel no pain
Kiss me while I’m still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms,
Let me live and let me learn
Now I’ll follow my own way, and I’ll
Live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice,
Remember when this was my life
Looking forward, not behind
Everybody’s got to cross that line
Free me now to give me a place,
Keep me caged and free the beast
Falling faster, time goes by,
Fear is not seen through these eyes
What there was will never be,
Now I’m blind and cannot see
Kiss me while I’m still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms, let me
Live and let me learn
Now I’ll follow my own way, and I’ll
Live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice,
Remember when this was my life
Kiss me while I’m still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms, let me
Live and let me learn
Now I’ll follow my own way,
And I’ll live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice,
Remember when this was my life.

The – my vision is what will carry me.  In this “sink or swim” world, I will swim.  “They’ll have to beat it out of me,” I think to myself.  I will surrender only to one thing – God.  I will submit only to God and under “good orderly” direction, those trusted – far few and in-between.  The human spirit is resilient.

I have never had a family, and it is that very thing that motivates me.  I am like a star too hard to follow.  I will chart my own path and leave dust.  “Chalk it up.”  I have what it takes -I am capable of getting out of this position and moving to a position of greater freedom and happiness.  I want to pray to God right now.  “God, whatever I have done to deserve ill, poor health, I am sorry.  Please allow me to learn the lesson so that I can move on and do something good with my life.”

“Looking forward, not behind
Everybody’s got to cross that line
Free me now to give me a place,
Keep me caged and free the beast” – 3 Doors Down.

No one will hold me down.  I will prevail.  I will take this step-by-step, day-by-day to free myself from this mess, this cage, this “mess” that I have got myself in.  I know that there is a lesson, spiritual in nature, for me to learn.  I will learn it, and I will move forward.