My birthday… so far sucks.

I am feeling kind of depressed now and am trying to keep my spirits up.  Today is my birthday and hasn’t been a good day.  The day started off with being rejected for health services.  Erin and I both went to get prescription refills and blood work and were told that we don’t “qualify” for the free clinic because we do not have aids, high blood pressure, heart problems, etc.  Supposedly in Indiana free aid does not exist.

I am shocked because on the east coast, both in Vermont (especially) and Philadelphia health care is virtually free… at least at clinics.  I am shocked to find out that I can’t get ANY help here.  I also don’t qualify for health insurance because I am not “pregnant” with children.  Can you believe that?!  It has to be a joke… this state is backwards.

Anyway, I am irritated also because nobody has said “Happy Birthday” to me… literally 1 friend text messaged me “Happy Birthday” and the only reason he likely remembered it is because his is tomorrow!  We are literally 13 minutes apart.  And 5 random acquaintances on Facebook said Happy Birthday, yet nobody else.  …and yet people receive pages upon pages on Facebook all the time – and I get 5!

My family (this story is not new unfortunately, but gets worse and worse every year) did not even say Happy Birthday until 3 o’clock today.  My sister, then my brother an hour or so later, and then my mom last but not least… heck, my own dad (biological) did not say Happy Birthday.

So today is depressing.  I am really trying to keep my spirits up, but I am having a hard time.  I don’t understand why more people would not reach out to me and say Happy Birthday… yet, I am serious, some (many – like 90% of my friends) people get PAGES upon PAGES of birthday wishes.

I don’t understand why I’m not that special and/or important to anyone… even Ashley didn’t say Happy Birthday to me, or Katherine who recently dumped Erin and I off for no apparent reason… along with our friend Jonathan who is dating a loser who’s abusive and a control freak.  Anyway, yeah, so we are basically without any friends right now.

I mean, we have friends I guess… middle/middle-upper class people who are pretty cool and nice, but they (like everyone else) are flaky in terms of reliability, and I hate that.  I can’t seem to find any good, decent people around here… and honestly, it isn’t just “here;” it was Philadelphia, too… Vermont honestly was the only place that I never got dumped off, and I mean that.  I am not idealizing Vermont; people had different ethics and values there.  And they valued time and friendship.

I just feel so lost right now… maybe “lost” isn’t the word.  Lonely, perhaps?  I am surrounded by stuff… an entire apartment, and what I want are friends.  I am sad right now.  No amount of “money” in the world, little or a lot, can change that… that need for connection.  I just don’t understand what it is I’m doing so wrong on a fate-level that would make/attract this into my life… this alienation.

Anyway, sorry to be so negative on my birthday, but that’s kind of how the day started out when I went to go for my blood work to see if the lyme disease is officially gone and had a door (metaphorically) shut in my face.  No assistance.

March 21st, 2011. My birthday “list.” Acknowledgments.

My birthday is technically tonight at 11:47PM.  I wasn’t going to post this, but I need to vent and air out my frustrations.  I am upset because some of the people with whom I was hoping and would have expected to hear from on my birthday did not contact me –some of them being:

-My own mother
-Max, my father
-Erin’s family
-Nadine, my “spiritual” counselor/coach

etc.  Birthdays are  important and the celebration –or lack thereof, says a lot.  I think that acknowledging birthdays acknowledges the dignity of each person.  It’s acknowledging that the person was born that day and came into existence that day and is celebrating life.  I am proud of when someone has a birthday, and I think it’s a blessing, and I believe it’s something that should be celebrated.

To make a long story short, I think it says a lot when someone doesn’t acknowledge your birthday.  I realize that some people are really busy and that it is unrealistic to expect everyone to acknowledge the birthday, but some key people and people that have been in your life for a very long time should acknowledge it, otherwise it’s just disrespectful.

Sarah – No acknowledgment.
Ashley-  No acknowledgment.
Jen-  No “real” acknowledgment.  She called me at “1:07” A.M., probably drunk and didn’t  have the decency to leave me a message.  I texted her back the next day and said, “Hi Jen, I saw you called” only to not receive a response.  Jen was the first person to acknowledge my birthday only she didn’t actually acknowledgment it, but rather skipped out as usual.    (By the way, I randomly woke up from a dead sleep when she called.  Ironically my phone was entirely silenced because I wanted to get a good night’s rest, and I still awoke…  I literally woke up out of nowhere, saw the time on my phone (1:07AM), and my phone was going off silently from Jen.  I didn’t answer it because it was really late, and I didn’t want to wake Erin up.  I also figured Jen was calling me drunk, as she’s off/on in my life and repeatedly cuts me off.
Katey-  No acknowledgment.
Annie-  No acknowledgment.
Jackie-  No acknowledgment.
Erin-  No acknowledgment.  Her text message to me this morning was: “I haven’t got anything for you for your birthday because thinking of your birthday hasn’t been top on my priority list.” Note:  She has blown off every single birthday of mine thus far, as well as every single occasion (anniversaries, Valentine’s Day, etc).

The people who have acknowledged my birthday are as follows:

-Etyms (facebook)
-Porky (facebook)
-Naterz (phone call)
-Janet Chun (facebook)
-Vanessa Cazeau (INFJ online friend, Facebook)
-Dharman Rice (former teacher, facebook)
-Eric Cox (my brother, facebook email)
-Theodore Simpson IV (Facebook)
-Nikkoly Stanley (lyme patient, facebook)
-James Kennedy (facebook)
-Jessee Lee Hughes (lyme patient, facebook)
-Brian Lynam (facebook)
-KC Khoury (facebook)
-Ilana Cor. (facebook)
-Marlynn S. (facebook)
-Sharod S. (facebook)
-Marissa F. (facebook)
-John Kotlowski (facebook)
-Jess Young (facebook)
-Kathleen B. (facebook)
-Crystal S. (facebook)
-Stacy Coon C. (facebook)
-Jessica G. (facebook)
-Sister (personal email)
-Nina L. Ball (facebook)

I also honestly wonder what would have happened had I not posted on my facebook a couple days ago, “My birthday is in two days” whether people would have otherwise messaged, called, or emailed me.  Believe it or not, I have only received one phone call besides Jen’s (my ex girlfriend) call which a message was never left, and that’s from my high-school buddy Nate.  I am shocked that I have not heard from my own mother, sister, father, and Ashley — even Erin.  I am shocked at Erin’s message.

I was debating whether or not to post this message because I would like to keep my posts positive, optimistic, and happy, but I needed to vent.  I may delete or edit this message later.  At any rate, I am surprisingly disappointed so far at how my birthday has gone.

I am however delighted to say that my MMS – Magical Mineral Solution has arrived, and hope that it may be the best “gift” that I ever receive- an all natural gift to cure my chronic lyme.  I am hoping that it gives me back my life!  …that God enables this to happen.  If such is the case, I can guarantee you that I will give my testimony to everyone and their brother and that I will be sharing to the world my experience.  I truly believe that if God/Nature created us our bodies can heal from what nature supplies.

March 21st, 2011. My birthday. Prayer to be well.

Today is my birthday, and I am not sure what to think about it.  As I have mentioned before, and will mention again, I just pray that God will remove the root of what’s causing this.  I want to heal from this chronic lyme disease and anything else that I might have going on.

This is what I have battled for the past 4 years:

-Ear pain (constant, dull, aching, daily)
-Extreme dry mouth (cotton mouth, and it doesn’t matter how much water I drink)
-Enlarged neck/throat (lymph) glands
-Lump in throat sensation (It will randomly feel like I have a golf ball in my throat)
-Neck/shoulder pain (I will often wake up with EXTREME stiffness in my entire body, and sometimes, randomly my neck/shoulders will just burn)
-Buzzing in ears (I get tinnitus)
-Tinging in hands/feet/face (I was even checked for MS -Multiple Sclerosis because of this — this random “tingling”)
-Night Sweats (Part of Babesia — Tick’s co-infection)
-Hot and Cold flashes (Erin and I actually joked that I was going through “menopause” early when this started happening, and I really began wondering this.  It was the most peculiar thing ever)
-Mouth sores (I get little canker sores — clear bubbles in my mouth at random times — usually a single or couple bubbles typically behind my front lip)
-Fatigue (Extreme, and every day)
-Joint pain (I often get joint pain in my hands and fingers.  I actually thought I had arthritis at one point, but X-rays showed it to be negative for arthritis.  Lyme causes “Arthritic myalgia”)
-Yellow-ish (light), “tired” eyes (My eyes have lost their “vitality” I have described)
-Dry skin and hair  (My hair feels like straw/hay now)
-Hair loss (Every time I take a shower, more and more hair falls out)
-Extreme sensitivity to heat and cold (When others are warm, I am uncomfortably hot, and when others are comfortable, I am incredibly cold)
-Brittle nails (they no longer grow)
-Dry eyes and tear-ducts (My eye doctor said that my tear ducts dry up every “2 seconds” and they’re only supposed to dry up every “13″ seconds)
-Foul-smelling boogers (Sounds strange, I know, but this is definitely something I have noticed that started very early on when I became sick.  I imagine there is some bacteria up there, specifically lyme-causing bacteria)
-Increased ear-wax (Again, something trivial, but I have noticed)
-Dizziness/nausea — “off balance” feeling
-Weight gain (I gained 15 lbs in a short span of months around March 2010)
-Weight loss (Since Jan I have dropped 10-15 lbs.  I am now between 118-120 lbs).
-Frequent and slow healing infections (I get infections constantly, especially in my fingers when I try and bite my nails, and they take days to heal.  I am beginning to wonder if I am developing an immunity towards the Neosporin I have been using)
-Increasing depression, anxiety, and insomnia
-Vision difficulties (My vision has changed — things are blurry now, my eyesight has worsened, and I have developed a very small astigmatism)
-Weakness in limbs (There have been a couple of times where I was so weak I could not even get up, and I thought I might have to be admitted to the ER)
-Hands, feet, nose ice cold randomly (often)
-Unusual abdominal cramping (Out of nowhere I will get pain in my abdominal region; I will also get menstrual cramping randomly when I am not on my period)
-Random rashes (Most recent being March 17th after drinking a freshly squeezed homemade juice drink that I have had before.  Within a few minutes of drinking the drink my tongue slightly swelled up, and I ended up getting a random, unusual shaped, red, slightly raised rash on my left knee cap which did not subside with Benedryl “quick strip.”  The rash remained on my leg for 3 solid days).
-Food sensitives (I have developed a food sensitivity to blackberries and some soy-made products)

Me when I had the most vitality ever:




(Below)  Right before I was infected with Borrelia…

After being infected with Borrelia:

Please pray for me on my birthday, for renewed health, vitality, and productivity.