Expression and boundaries

So I’m really embarrassed and kind of self-conscious.  I went to hang out with Jen tonight, Ashley’s ex.  On my way over there, she told me that “Koger” (My ex, Sarah) was going to stop by.  I figured, “Okay, whatever.”  I nonchalantly wrote it off, but I was really nervous because I felt (feel, rather) fat right now because my thyroid meds are off again – that, or my lyme disease has re-birthed itself.

Anyway, I was (am) still very self-conscious.  I am not sure what to think right now because I revealed some information to them that I may later regret, that might hurt the person I care about.  I revealed that I still kind of have feelings for my ex, Ashley, (their former best friend).  Sarah is still facebook friends with Ashley, and Jen could easily talk to her if she wanted.

At any rate, they poked fun at me tonight, and I could tell they weren’t taking it (my feelings) seriously.  I felt (feel) really raw and vulnerable right now.  I want to be able to let my feelings out, but I don’t know who to talk to, and I also don’t think I am articulating what I feel correctly.  I don’t “want” Ashley in the kind of way(s) that Sarah was joking about… it is not a lusty thing… I want to be friends with her again, honestly.  I want to do fun things together and talk (reminisce) about old times.  I want to start over again and just have a good time and talk for hours about people and life.

Tonight I was talking about things like buying her a car someday and possibly marrying her because she is the “one” for me (I know this without a doubt – that she is the kind of person that I want to be with, and I have never, literally, met anyone like her – similar to me, strong, beautiful, willful, and graceful, and have never come across another person that I feel the way I do when I’m with her).  At any rate, they kind of poked fun of me for it.

Sarah brought up how I’m going to “afford” to buy her a car if I’m only doing resale right now, saying, “How are you going to afford to buy her a car someday when you’re only selling shit,” and I said “I will make it happen; it will happen.”  I kind of changed the subject then when Kari (Jen’s girlfriend, my very first girlfriend) somewhat unexpectedly arrived because I felt embarrassed.  I was already embarrassed talking about it all because I knew they didn’t take me seriously.

I told them to watch the Notebook, and stated that I was (am) the “guy” in the notebook, and it’s not make-believe… they probably think I am delusional, I wouldn’t put it past them.  Sarah made a comment about how I knew Ash had gone to visit Mudlavia on my birthday, and I stated that I had seen it online… I didn’t want to tell her that I saw it through one of Ashley’s friends, but I did because she phished for information.

I told her that Crystal had told me that Ash is straight now, and so I clicked on the first guy on Ash’s friend list, and ironically it ended up being her current boyfriend, or what looks to be her boyfriend… and that in the pictures it showed them at Mudlavia.  That’s the truth – I didn’t look at any of her other friends… I clicked on his name because the few times I’ve gone to Ash’s page, he always shows up.

Anyway, I am afraid now what they (mostly Sarah, but Jen, too, I guess) will say to Ashley.  I asked both of them to kindly not say anything to her for fear of embarrassed on both my part and Ashley’s part, and Sarah said “Ok.”  I know how she is though and she will say something.  She will say something just to stir shit up.  She likes drama.  All I want to do is talk to Ashley again.

Like the song:  “Till the sky falls down” by Dash Berlin

“All I need is one good answer

To understand why you are gone”

It doesn’t make any sense why Ashley would cut me off out of nowhere and yet she claims that I still have “feelings” for her as if she doesn’t!  She is clearly denying them, but we will just keep it at that.  If that’s where she is right now with herself and in her growth, I will respect.  But I am allowed to talk about it, I just don’t know whether or not I can trust Jen and Sarah to not say anything.  It’s a shame I can’t talk to Ashley herself about this.

And I do have a life outside of Ashley, trust me… I work 60+ hours a week for myself.  I literally bust my ass, and though it’s hard work, I love having the freedom and flexibility of setting my own hours.  Anyway, this whole thing just seems absurd.  I’m probably better off keeping my feelings to myself and reserving them for my journal.  I truly do believe in a strong element of fate, and I know that when something is supposed to happen, it will.  I am going to (this is my plan) continue to live my life, “One day at a time” as Alanon puts it (Alanon can be credited for a tremendous amount of my growth) and see what happens.

I just wanted to get this out there.  I don’t even want to know what lies ahead for me.   I am trying to stay positive, but I know without a doubt that Sarah (and possibly) Jen are going to say something to Ash, which will likely sabotage any chance I may ever have at being friends with her again.

I know that my feelings of ambiguity will lessen over time as the universe (my Higher Power) provides me with more clarity about myself and others.  I know that I will continue to grow and learn and make the right choices for myself.  In the meantime, I will continue living my life and learning to trust myself and lean more on my Higher Power rather than others.

The Truth

She’s not going to understand because she’s too caught up with herself.  I need to be much more selective about the people that I let into my life.  I need to stick to what I know is important and dependability is definitely one of them.  It’s about maturity.

Relationships… Commitment… Reflection…

I have a lot on my mind.  I don’t like posting my thoughts before I’ve had a chance to think about them… Typically I will journal (in my handwritten journal) first and then feel better about sharing on here.  I can’t seem to get the clarity on here via typing.

Anyway, so I’ve been thinking about relationships… about the relationships I have with others and about the relationship I have with myself.  Today the big topic was “Commitment.”  I had a long and drawn out conversation with a good friend about the topic.

I realized that a lot of my relationships with significant others have been immature and so there hasn’t ever been any sense of real “commitment” established.  Immature relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts aren’t really a good foundation for a solid relationship.  Anyway, there was one person, that despite my lack of maturity at the time, I had “commitment” with.  Ashley.

She would probably beg to differ, but I am now where she was.  At the time, when we dated, I made a stupid mistake.  I am now that person she needed me to be.  Anyway, I would have to say that that was when I most understood commitment, and sadly enough, that’s the only time I’ve ever physically been in a relationship where commitment has been demonstrated.

I have had other relationships – friendships, where there has been commitment, and there was certainly romantic attraction there… Off the top of my head, Syndee, Heike, Katherine… But I was never with these people because they were all somehow unavailable.  I must say that I now know what I want, and I know exactly what to look for.  Commitment  is related to respect.  There can’t be commitment without respect.

With that being said, all of these unhealthy, codependent relationships I’ve had lacked respect, which explains why there wasn’t any commitment.  That just goes to show how important “respect” is.  I think it’s something worth looking at.  The way you respect yourself (or don’t) and the way you respect others.  There seems to be a direct link.

I want to be in a relationship where respect is demonstrated.  It’s weird to think so many relationships I’ve been in have lacked it.  I wonder where I learned this from?  To date people who lack respect for themselves and others.  Where did I see this from?  I imagine I am imitating my father.  My father stayed by my mother’s side despite her lack of self-respect.  My mother, like many of the women I have dated, seemed to have issues where extramarital affairs are part of the picture.

I feel kind of guilty for splurging her business on a public forum, but it’s something to learn from.  My dad I guess didn’t have much respect for himself by staying with her.  With that being said, I don’t want to make that same mistake, and that is why I continuously, every day look at myself and where I’m at – where I’ve been.

I try to figure out where I’ve been and where I am now not to make the same mistake.  I know why I stay.  I also know where my heart stands.

I was talking to Heike (the good friend) about “circles” and how there are different levels of trust and they’re all directly related to respect.  I need that respect in order to be happy in life.  It’s a shame that I can’t attract a partner who demonstrates this because they are all taken.  It irritates me.

I know that eventually I will attract the partner who is supposed to be in my life.  I don’t want Ashley to snooze and lose.  That sounds horrible, but it’s true.  I can’t help it that she’s in denial right now.  Everyone knows it, but I can’t and shouldn’t have to wait around.  Yet, I do.  Yet I know there are others out there who will also demonstrate the same level of respect – whether or not they will ignite my passion, etc. is another story.  But still.  Time is ticking and time is truly of the essence.

I need to be clear and honest with myself and set and establish firm boundaries with others.  I have now been made aware of the reasons in which I stay, and I need to work on that.  I need to get myself out of this situation and clear this baggage to make room for the new.  Our past doesn’t stay with us if we’ve learned from our mistakes, and I mean truly learned.  As in, on a heart level… not head.

“Everything happens for a reason” When the time is right…

Ashley is in town tonight, and I am wondering if maybe subconsciously I am upset with the way things are between us.  I guess more than anything I am upset with myself.  Really, I am just upset with the situation.  I am bothered that she (or it feels like, anyway) is “pouting” and not talking to me.  I am sure she has good reasons, but at the same time I would like to think she can just get over it.  I don’t mean that insensitively, although I suppose it can be taken that way.  I guess I am just tired of the wall… the distance… what feels like separation.  I just want to be over it and communicating again and be supportive of one another.

I understand I offended her, and I am so sorry for that.  Trust me, I have learned my lesson.  I did not mean to violate her boundaries in any way.  I was young and naive.  You can really learn a lot in a short time.  I have learned a lot of valuable lessons in the time that I have been away from her, and I will be honest, I miss our friendship.

Anyway, she’s here in town, and I am left to sit with my feelings… Sometimes I get angry; sometimes I get sad, and I just want to go out on the town.  Yeah, people change, but there is always that part of us that remains the same.

“What’s meant to be, will be.”  I truly believe that “Everything happens for a reason.”

Relatives with bipolar

All I want are healthy relationships… I feel like I am building a healthier relationship with myself.  The truth is however, I love someone who has bipolar.  Rather, I care for someone  who has bipolar.  I am concerned.  Bipolar runs in my partner’s family.  I think her mother may have it, too.  Speaking of “mother’s,” I think my mother might have it, too.  Or rather, my aunt.  “Technically,” she’s my aunt (I was adopted, and my biological mother and adoptive mother are sisters).

Anyway, Ashley’s mother was bipolar, too.  I’m being reminded of what Ashley went through right now, as I’m living here in the same apartment complex as Ash did and where her mother still coincidentally resides.  I am probably feeling the same, or similar feelings as Ash did when trying to deal with her mother.

I cannot describe the thoughts, feelings, and emotions – the experience (experience = perception and perception affects thoughts and actions) that run through your body when your loved one is acting out.  Erin went from being normal to enraged to sad and apathetic within a matter of 20 minutes.  She went from raging and shoving me and throwing a chair to crying at the same time to crying and profusely apologizing.

She has agreed that it’s time to get her medication changed.  Anyway, I wanted to add a lot more to this entry, but I am going to an auction tonight to get more stuff for the flea market.  I would like to have the time to process this later, as I think it’s very important to process events and experiences.

I guess I just wanted to say that I think I am growing and that I now believe I understand first-hand what Ash had gone through for years…

March 12th, 2011. Bags, a way out, to leave this place.

While in my room today packing my backpack for a day out today, I thought to myself:

“This situation is not favorable and very unhealthy, and I have to find a way to pack my bags…”

I’m sitting right in this middle of this “shit.”  This is excess baggage, and I want out.  The truth is, I am too good for this, yet I am tolerating it.

I am allowing my past to dominate me, and I no longer want to let it control me.  Action needs to follow.  A plan needs to be developed.  I clearly need to rescue myself.

We teach others how to treat us.

This is not acceptable behavior and I need to learn to respect myself more and move myself into action.

February 12th, 2011. 2 Barriers: Now 1. The “Emotional.” Grief block.

I am livid right now.  I am sick and tired of Erin’s bulshit.  We got into a huge fight today because she would not send me her work schedule.  Now, before you sit here and think, “She is her own person and doesn’t have to send you her schedule,” or “She’s entitled to her privacy,” or “She’s not obligated to send you her schedule,” understand that Erin has betrayed my trust multiple times –flat out lied to me, and here is where it comes into play — listen closelyErin agreed to be honest with me about some things and she also agreed to share her schedule with me since she has lied multiple times about the hours in which she’s worked.  Granted, I had to pull a tooth and a nail for her to agree to this –to simply be honest, which I am greatly resentful for because I do not believe that it is, or should be, my responsibility to hold her accountable.

If someone is dishonest they should agree to be honest and follow-through with that agreement; if they choose to not follow-through, they are a coward.  Repeatedly, and quite honestly, I should not stay (this is where my problem comes into play, and that’s a whole other issue).  I am not saying this judgmentally, but quite simply, literally.  Look it up.

She has lied to me and has posed no solution to correct the behavior.  I have had to come up with solutions because she refuses to take responsibility for her actions.  So story goes like this… I come up with solutions; she agrees to follow them, and then bails.  I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and of holding her accountable because she refuses to take responsibility for her behavior.  I have, since I have known Erin, always said to her, “I wish someone would hold you on the ‘wall,'” and what I mean by this metaphor is that I wish someone would hold her accountable for her actions because she refuses.  After all, Erin (quote) “Does what I want when I want” -Erin S.  Her selfish behavior prevails and blows my mind.

The reason I have stayed, and I have said this before and will say it again is because I am living here with her and am trying to make the most out of this situation.  I am living here for two reasons:  1, financial, and 2, emotional (illusion).  Financially we have agreed to just be roommates, and 2.  There are still “hopes” (on my part; likely on hers, as well — in some realm) that things will work out.  I strongly detest interpersonal conflict and wish to have it resolved right away, so I am trying to make the situation right.  I cannot seem to accept the fact that things cannot and won’t change.  I seem to think “There’s always a way.” Well, the truth is, there may not always be a way, because there’s a time and place, but in my mind, there is, and I cannot seem to wrap my head around it or understand it any other way.

The result:  I keep on trying, similar to the card “2 of swords” in the tarot, which namely represents denial.  I am in strong denial here, and I sort of feel like I have to be (8 of swords) because I do not feel like I can afford to live anywhere else (except for Korea) and because my emotions are so incredibly involved and the thought of separating from Erin physically devastates me.  To say the least, I am involved in a highly codependent relationship and situation.  I am extremely bothered and know that I have options but am lacking the courage to act on them.  Between fearing that I cannot financially support myself and being extremely attached to Erin, I stay put.  I keep saying that if “X, Y, and Z” happen then I will leave…

The assumption is that “X, Y, and Z,” ie: another person, the lottery, inheritance, etc. would happen to me then these things would give me the strength to leave.  To  be honest, however, I am not sure that even an inheritance would help me to walk away from this situation because the emotions would still be attached.  So then there’s the “You could date someone else” response which my counselor actually suggested.  I keep on telling her that I do not feel like this is a viable option because I do not believe that it would be healthy.  I basically need to be (emotionally and physically) on my own.  Emotionally detached from Erin but obviously maintain (first form lol) friends and support, ie: coworkers, etc.

But my counselor keeps suggesting the idea of dating someone new.  At any rate, I do not think this would be a good idea.  Needless to say, the result ends up being that I stay locked in one place.  I bitch and complain to “Bobby,” “Rob,” and “Dorthy” (examples) and yet I stay stationary.  I sit here, and I honestly ask myself, “What is it going to take for me to move?” I have this amazing Korea opportunity which everyone seems to favor (not that their opinion truly matters in this situation because I am naturally actually starting to trust and use my own logic to think things through) but I am too scared to leave because of the emotions involved with Erin… so financial independence as an option aside, the problem now becomes the emotional ties.

It has not helped that Erin and I have been really close lately physically… remember, as long as I live here, or we live together, the “peace” will attempt to be created thus causing enmeshment, fighting, wishful thinking, etc. because in my mind that is the only option for living together; I need “peace.”  Erin and I have been spending a lot of time together the past few days and have been getting along exceptionally well.  At any rate, she tried to kiss me last night, and I actually went through with it.  Granted, it was just a little peck (no tongue) but I did not use my head like I normally would.  I think what ends up happening is that things will be really bad between us and then when things are good, I give in.  It would seem that the worse things are, that when she “throws me a biscuit” so-to-speak, I dive right in.

It’s this weird “cycle” that I can’t describe.  All I know is that it never changes, and I feel like a tire spinning in the mud.  I am clearly stuck like the song “Sick cycle carousel:” I posted on my blog about a year ago back in May or July.  So the solution is courage… and that is what I seem to lack.  Korea is always an opportunity… they hire year-around; however, I want to leave in March or April because that seems like a good “time” for me (I love the spring, and it’s a time of new beginnings and starts) but the emotions (attachment issues) with Erin are keeping me from acting.  I am somewhat happy that one part –the financial, is already taken care of, because now I just need to work on the emotional so that I can free myself of this mess.  The problem is I don’t know how I’m going to free myself of the emotional baggage except through someone else which is what my counselor has been suggesting.

I told Nadine that I do not think this is the “right” thing to do and she seems to disagree.  She keeps giving me the impression that if I find someone else with whom I am compatible, emphasizing the compatibility issue and further reinforcing the fact that Erin and I are not “compatible” –that has the qualities that I am looking for, ie: honesty, respect, communication, accountability, and commitment then it will be right.  “But…” I ask as well as say to myself… “…”  “What will I do about the grief with Erin?” Dating someone else is not just going to make it go away!  I want to say, “Don’t we have to alone with the grief?” ie, single and outside of a romantic relationship.  One could argue “yes;” another could argue “no.”  I mean, I guess we all have baggage that we carry around and we always will have baggage so/but I imagine we can’t just stay alone (single) forever, right?  …until we’re finally over each and every person and each and every incident in our lives?  See, this is where I am torn.

So yeah… if it’s presumed that the financial will be taken care of, ie: Korea, and the emotional is the only problem, how can I resolve and tackle this issue?  Another rebuttal counselor Nadine brought up when I indicated disapproval to the dating someone else idea was just spending a lot of time away from Erin, ie: in my bedroom, etc.  Honestly, that’s nice in theory, but I am not sure how feasible it is.  Whenever Erin and I are around each other in the house, I want to spend time with her, and yet whenever we are apart I am constantly worrying (for legit purposes) that she is out pursuing someone else, and it does not matter if we are not technically “together” or not because of the unresolved hurt which keeps me engaged in the cycle.  There is so much pain, attachment, and grief that it’s nearly impossible to move forward… I honestly think I am going to try and read more “grief” articles and articles on separation and divorce because this is what it feels like for me.  Apparently I do have serious attachment issues.

Quite frankly, I am sick and tired of wasting my life and potential being stuck in relationships that are unfulfilling and not what I want, ie: in line with my values (honesty, respect, communication, accountability, and commitment, and shared interests) yet I am not necessarily too “afraid” to physically leave here per se, especially now that I have an opportunity to go to Korea, but rather, have zero clue about how to get past the emotional piece… the grief.  I honestly feel like my emotions are/have gotten the “best” so-to-speak of me, and this is honestly where and why I wish that Ashley was in my life right now as a best friend… honestly, any beautiful woman who’s intelligent and encouraging because I think it would inspire me.  I just need someone who I see these beautiful traits (honesty, respect, communication, accountability, and commitment) in so that I can know it’s “out” there and then begin to move forward.

Am I going about this backwards?  I can’t think of any other solutions… it is pretty laid out… I am fortune enough to have this opportunity in Korea where the financial piece is taken care of, but the emotional is proving challenging.  It would seem the solutions are pretty simply laid out:  1.  Spend time away from Erin physically or 2.  Date someone else.  1 is extremely hard for me and 2 would seem and feel wrong.  I often feel like Erin starts fights or gets upset with me to have “reason” to emotionally and physically be away from me.  She literally will get to close to me and things will be going “well” –whatever that means, and then the next thing I know, she’s pushing away, furthermore engaging in this push/pull cycle.

I hate that Erin is not honest.  I hate that she makes false, empty promises that she cannot keep.  I hate that I am in this situation because I, in many ways, do not feel that I have another choice.  I obviously have objective 1 taken care of, ie: the financial, yet objective 2 I cannot seem to get past.  There is always a barrier it seems.  I need help.  If I can’t seem to stay away from Erin when we’re physically around each other then what else am I supposed to do?  …latch onto someone else as my counselor had suggested only worded and intended more maturely?  My counselor actually conveyed the message that it would be a good and healthy action/experience because the person would have the qualities that I am looking for, but how can I even begin to attract this if I am not more independent?

I understand that is a fear of mine, ie: “If I am not independent I will not attract anyone,” but it is a legit one… How can I possibly attract a beautiful young woman if I am in a dependent spot?  And what am I supposed to say to her when she asks, or it comes up in conversation, “Where are you living, Emily?” Imagined response:  “Oh, with my ex girlfriend and her father…” Do you know how unattractive that is?  See, what people don’t understand is that I am actually very independent; I am naturally a very independent and strong-willed person, but I am just in a bad (less than favorable, rather) situation right now, and I am afraidI don’t know how to overcome my grief (The problem!).  I don’t know how to stay away from Erin physically first off when we’re in the same house, which seems pretty damn basic, and I don’t know how to grieve, especially when there’s a constant threat of her “acting out,” ie: dating someone else, hooking up with someone, signing up for a dating site, etc. and me feeling/experiencing the rejection (she has acted insensitively for all but 4 months of our 3 year “relationship” now) all over again.

So I feel trapped although I know I am not.  At any rate, it would be fair to say that I am trapped in my feelings, or more accurately, grief.  I am frozen with indecision and inhibition.  I am paralyzed.  I am angry, resentful, in denial, etc. –just wanting things to be okay, and the the truth is, they’re not.  I just don’t feel like any woman is going to be attracted to me given my current situation.  I mean, I cannot imagine a healthy woman dating a man who is still living at home, and especially not a man who’s living with his ex, and so why on earth would anyone see or treat my situation any differently?  I will tell you right now however, that if I did date/find a woman, I would be loyal 100% to her.  I do not have a problem with loyalty.  When someone has swept me away and captured my attention, I am theirs 100%.  I will not play games with someone who treats me right.

I often say, “If Ashley ever took me back, I would be back with her in a heart beat and she would never have to worry about the things she did before,” ie: me leaving her because I had not grieved my ex.  Granted, I was 19, but that experience nevertheless changed my life.  Honest-to-God, if Ashley ever came back to me and asked me to be with her again, I would be with her in a heartbeat, and I would be 100% faithful to her.  Faithfulness has never been an issue with me.  My problem was that I left Ashley when I was 19 to go back to my ex with whom I had unresolved grief.  Ashley and I ended up rebounding with one another.  We were both in rocky situations, where in my case, my partner was cheating on me with my ex-best friend! –and Ashley’s partner too busy smoking weed all day to give her the attention she deserved, and Ashley and I turned to each other as friends for solace, and ended up dating about a month later.

At any rate, we both became involved too quickly, and I had not grieved my ex, Sarah.  Sarah could not stand the fact that I was with Ashley and she tried everything in her power to get me back.  I had not grieved Sarah, nor was I very mature at 19, and so I naively and regretfully took her back only to be cheated on again by her with the same woman a month later and then several others, both men and women, in the course of the remaining 2.5 years that I would ‘choose’ to stay with her!  During this time, I put up with things that I never should have allowed myself to put up with.  Although there is no excuse for this, in retrospect, I think I subconsciously allowed this because Sarah constantly guilted me about leaving her for Ashley, but she was cheating on me so anyone would have wanted to get away from that!  But the right thing probably would have been to be alone, and honestly, that was my –and Ashley’s intention, but it ended up turning into a relationship.

Sarah was very selfish.  I also stayed with her, because similar to the situation with Erin, I wanted things to be better between Sarah and I.  I had felt rejected for being cheated on, and I took it personally.  The same exact thing has happened with Erin.  Instead of taking these women’s behavior personally I should have been able to step back and see it as their problem and completely unacceptable, but I didn’t –I let my emotions get the best of me.

So here I am… 7 years later, and I have an opportunity to do things “differently.”  Do I?  Have I?  No.  Why?  Up until 1.5 years ago, literally, I did not know what I wanted in a relationship… I had no clue what a healthy relationship consisted of.  Now, after having dated Erin and having had the negative experiences I’ve had, I know what I want.  Additionally, I think I have attachment issues.  I have a hard time letting go of an unhealthy, unfulfilling relationship… I think this is because it sort of mocks the relationship I had with my mother and the “messages” that I learned from her growing up.  I learned from my her that I was not worthy of deserving to be loved.  My mother was not emotionally available to me and would often say and do very hurtful things to me like call me a “bitch,” hit me with the remote control, throw it at me, pull my hair with the hair brush, slap me, stand me up, etc., and so this was the behavior that I learned and along with that came subconscious messages, which I carried with me into adulthood and into all my relationships.

I can recognize this on an intellectual level, and I am just beginning to recogize it on an intellectual level, but changing the behaviors and messages is an entirely different story and requires work.  I need someone to help me with that work; the problem is I don’t trust anyone to help me because the very people I have trusted most –into my inner sanctum–, ie: Syndee E. have hurt me beyond measure.  Syndee, my former “therapist” was a sociopath, ie: antisocial personality disorder.  If you are unfamiliar with a sociopath I would suggest doing a little research on it.  At any rate, she sucked me dry for over $5,000 out-of-pocket in therapy and left me with more than a scar.  I ended up regressing at the end of our 3 year rendezvous.  The case went legal.

So yeah… when trust, something so very basic, has been shattered, I am honestly not sure how, and if, and when, it will, or can be regained/re-established.  I am really going to need words and actions to match up and for “actions to speak louder than words” when it comes to folks in order for me to ever trust again.  And people honestly wonder why I hang onto Ashley and Ashley’s and I’s “relationship” and that’s because she was the only person who ever followed-through on her words.  She was very big on fulfilling and living up to her potential.  I could always count on and rely on Ashley, and I highly respected her.  She was warm, sympathetic, supportive, and always there –firm and steady.  I need that in my life, and want to attract people like that.

Yet another cold and [baffling] reality “hits” me as I write tonight and that’s that Ashley is not here… ie, in my life.  The last I heard from her was on New Years Eve when she stated to me: “Don’t text me” after I had texted her expressing my feelings about how lonely I was and upset that Erin and then my friend dumped me off, when just a week prior to that she sent me a Christmas text saying something along the lines of “Merry Christmas,” which I found out through her ex with whom I was the matchmaker for 7 years ago that she sent that to “everyone.”  At any rate, a few months prior to that text I heard from her via phone because she called me and told me all about this guy who she was obsessed with and who she could not get over the fact that he reminded her so much of me.  It went something like “Emily, omg, he reminds me so much of you…”  “Oh my-God Emily, he reminds me ‘so much’ of you.” I was not sure what to think of this when I heard this, as I had mixed feelings, but my final conclusion was “She still has feelings for me, ie: unresolved grief because there’s transference going on, etc.”

Additionally, the last time I saw Ashley (Summer of 2007) it was apparent that she and I still had feelings for each other.  At any rate, I heard from her then, then again at Christmas, and when I decided to text her on New Years Eve, she responded to me with a suprisingly shocking rude text message.  I did not text her for months afterwords and then I just recently –yesterday in fact, sent her a Valentine card and cd with new music on it.  I told myself and Erin (because I am trying to set an example for Erin) “This will be the last time I reach out to her.” I am serious about this because I am sick and tired of the relationship with Ashley being one-sided now.  Ashley, for the last 4 years or so, has been very about herself — “me me me,” and I have just sort of went with it because I felt like I guess I deserved to just listen to her go on about herself because I was “lucky” (I would tell myself) to be having her contact me after what I did to her 7 years ago, ie: leave her for my ex.

So in my mind I was thinking, “Wow, it’s nice to actually hear from her.”  The truth is, however, we were never able to establish a reciprocal relationship because she was so busy always talking about herself and would never reach out to me or make time for me, ie: my feelings, sharings, experiences, etc.  So I would just listen to her for hours with a sympathetic ear feeling grateful and delighted for her to be contacting me.  I must admit, however, that it did hurt me that she would hog the conversation so-to-speak, and honestly, I really would have liked to have developed a friendship, 2-sided with her.  I expressed this to her clearly many times.  I guess there is only so much you can do before you just have to realize that someone is not going to change.  I always think, “Maybe Ashley will come around some day,” and who knows– maybe she will, or maybe she won’t.  All I know is that I hold onto the image of Ashley and I and what we had, because it may be 7 years ago, however, that “relationship” sadly, whatever it was, was the only not “good” per se, thing that I had, but it was a relationship in which someone else was respectful towards me and we shared similar values and interests.

To say the least, the compatibility was strong and now I look for that (Ashley, and Ashley and I’s relationship served as an example) in other relationships.  So here I am… and this is all about the relationship with myself and what choices I have… and now I just need to somehow get over this insurmountable barrier with my emotions in regards to this situation with Erin so I can move on…  I am somehow going to need to get space (physical) from her and learn to grieve without driving myself crazy with all the worry and “what-if’s,” ie:  “What if ‘x;’ what if ‘y'” to where I cannot get the peace or clarity/room to be myself.  I “am haunted by the hero that I could not be” just popped into my head… a lyric from the song “Rescue me” by Digital Summer, which keeps replaying in my head and in my dreams.

Speaking of “Rescuing me” songs… I have been having many dreams, left and right, about rescuing others, etc. and I honestly think that they are about myself… and with me needing to rescue myself.  The two songs that come to mind when I think about this are “Rescue me” by Digital Summer and “Far away” by Nickelback.  Both of these songs I can sing to my inner child.

Since I have already posted “Rescue me” twice in this blog, recently, I am going to post “Far away” one more time to reflect what I’m referring to.

January 20th, 2011. Making progress w/boundaries and self-respect!

I am deciding to post because I am proud of myself again!  I feel like God is throwing these lessons in my life, and I am handling them appropriately.  So someone from ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) just called me and was acting very strange… she was speaking in a dissociated voice.  She called, and she said, “Emily, it’s me ‘Jen’ from ACOA; I’m calling you from the hospital…”  Anyway, the next phrase out of her mouth was:  “I tried to commit suicide last night.”

I immediately detached, ie: stepped back emotionally right there and did not allow myself to get roped in. I had had a bad feeling about her before sensing that she was unstable.  She actually came into ACOA two weeks ago and didn’t know me and was telling me her life story and about how she’s “unsure” of her sexual identity now, etc.  At any rate, it was very strange, and I gave myself a mental note to step back and be cautious.  When she called me from the hospital it further confirmed my initial impression based off intuition.

She proceeded to tell me a sob story about how her “poor cat” is left at home without anyone to take care of it, etc. and asked me if I would go to her house and feed it!  I knew right then that I had to set a boundary, and so I offered to give her numbers of other member’s in the group.  I feel smart about this decision.  I do not want to get roped into her drama and who knows how long she would even be in the hospital!  So I declined passively I supposed because I didn’t exactly say “No,” but I directed her to other members.

At any rate, I am proud of myself for putting my foot down and not getting roped into this one.  This is the 3rd incident in the past week where I have learned to step back and set appropriate boundaries… more than anything, where I have been able to apply my “principles” or whatever you would call them!  Good work and progress for me!  I will keep journaling.

January 20th, 2011. “Standards.”

This is the second entry I’ve written today.  I am amazed at the type of people I attract into my life… I honestly wonder what that says about me.  I was pondering today, walking to the park and wrote down some of my thoughts.  At any rate, I couldn’t help but notice how bleak everything looked and how cold it was… and the park was lifeless, kind of how I feel now.  I feel like my inner landscape is barren.

I am just realizing how important partner and friendship selection is.  I have added a few people to my facebook through mutual friends and have trying to get to know some of them with a mindful eye and ear.  Typically I will just be friends with anyone who seems to be there, but I can proudly say that I’ve begun to develop standards for myself and am starting to stick to them.  One of the persons I spoke with I am surprised to find out smokes weed every day.  That is not my style, and that is a major red flag.  In the past I might have thought, “Oh, well she’s ‘cute’ or she’s convenient,” ie: always there, there to listen, etc. but  not this time.  I have actually dropped her from my “Get to know” list to the regular “Philadelphia folks” list.

The individuals on my “Get to know” list are people who I think, at first observation, look nice and decent.  Then of course I talk to them… and I find out more, like I did tonight!  I must say that I am a little disappointed that this person who seemed very beautiful in many respects is a daily pot smoker.  I must say honestly that that rained on my parade a little bit because I honestly thought that maybe I had found a potential friend who shares similar values and interests, but the truth is, I don’t want that in my life, and I am trying to change that –lack of self-respect, etc. about myself.

I am simply not going to waste time on people who do not share similar values.  I realize now how important values are, and it’s sad that I never had them before… “standards,” that is.  Honesty, respect, communication, dependability, and commitment are very important values to have, and it honestly wasn’t until being in this relationship with Erin that I could see the importance of these things.  Through not having had them in the relationship with Erin, I learned what matters to me.

So to say the least, that is just one example in which I am proud to say that I am applying some principles that are important to me.  The other one was the other night when I was talking to someone I thought was cute, who I have thought was cute for a very long time, and while I am not looking for a relationship, I was interested in building a friendship with this person.  It turns out the person blew me off two days in a row (we had been texting and had also planned on talking on the phone for 10 minutes so she could tell me about this frightening event that happened to her out of the blue) and her reasoning was because she had “acted stupid.”  I said, “What?”  She skipped around what happened, and finally said to me that she had gone to a lesbian bar and saw “10” of her ex’s and that they still wanted her, etc.

My first reaction was “Okay, she blew me off first off,” two, a lesbian “bar?” (I am not big into drinking but “to each his own;” however, not when it involves dumping me off), and then “10” ex’s?!  And lastly, the “they still want me” like comment she made.  She had mentioned something about an ego stroke.  I am sitting here thinking, “What the hell, are you serious?”  Anyway, that raised some major red flags for me!  Even aside from the fact that she dumped me off, the fact that she had 10 ex’s?!  I mean, “10” fine, okay, lets just pretend that’s okay… she talked about how she “did” stuff with them and how they still “want” her!  (I later found out she kissed them).  At any rate, I am not attracted to any of that… and I’m not sure what you would even call it, because I don’t think it necessarily falls under any of the categories (standards/values) I listed above, so I’m not sure what exactly you’d “call” it.  I just know that if I was involved with someone like that then they obviously have unresolved issues with their ex’s and they also enjoy a lot of physical attention, which does not fly with me in terms of possible future dating relationships!

I later asked this person if she is a loyal person or enjoys polygamy and she said she is very loyal and has “never cheated,” which may be (likely) is true; however, I don’t understand why she needs such an ego boost.  Honestly, that turns me off.  And honestly I was turned off by the fact that she, being single, would act in such a fashion.  Again, I am not sure what you would “call” it, but I would never act in such a way, and I am not interested in pursuing anything with her at any point in the future based off such knowledge.  Which is fine.  I just felt saddened to hear that… It just goes to show that we must really take the time to get to know people before jumping into things… which is exactly what I have been trying to do now.  I have been sort of “screening” people, watching them –how they act/behave, etc. and then making judgments of whether or not I want that type of person in my life and how based off that.

So yeah… Ashley still is the only woman that I have dated that shares similar values.  We shall see what’s to become of this.  I will continue being my lovely self and continue along the path of self growth and discovery…

January 2nd, 2011. Need for guidance/humble.

So as everyone may or may not already know, my New Year’s Resolution this year is to develop a healthy relationship with myself so that I can have healthy relationships with others.  I want to learn about myself and how to be intimate with myself.  I believe, this in exchange, will allow me to be intimate with others and have vulnerable honest exchanges with others.  I cannot throw myself into relationships anymore without [before first] building (establishing) a relationship with myself.  I need to really get to know myself, and I don’t just mean on an intellectual level, but emotionally and spiritually.

I need to be able to sit with myself and be comfortable in my own skin.  Most of my relationships have been formed prematurely.  Intimacy –true intimacy was never established.  We were both young and new little about ourselves.

I have a lot of grieving to do.  I have basically lived through others (sacrificed my own wants/needs) to make others happy, and so much of my happiness has been based off others reaction’s.  I need to begin getting to know myself and learning to sit with myself.

The challenge I think will be not getting sidetracked by Erin, or another relationship.  I really need to stay honest with myself lest I fall back into the obsessive relating –ie, “other” -focused pattern.  I need to just trust myself and focus on myself and my spirituality.  It’s really hard though when I fear abandonment, and being around Erin triggers me.  I am triggered by her issues of NON-respect, honesty, dependability, communication, and commitment, but I need to remember that I chose her –subconsciously or not, and I cannot undue the past, only learn from it.

What Erin does is her choice.  I cannot control what she does, and if I am hurt by her, I should have the ability to leave.  Unfortunately I don’t because I’m in a situation of financial dependence, however I am doing my best to pull myself out of it.  The only concern I have now is health issues, and I’m concerned that it might complicate matters.

I am trying to trust and surrender to a higher power, but am finding it difficult.  I’m not sure why I’m so outcome (control) focused.  I want to just “surrender” and let things happen, naturally.  I am not sure what will have to happen to help me surrender, but something… and hopefully not a life-threatening illness.  All I know is that I haven’t been able to find work, and I have been desperately worried about my situation, both with myself and with my relationships.

I want to live a purposeful life with integrity and clarity and stop functioning from old ways relating and living; it’s not healthy.  I want to breathe life again and not be fearful and run and hide.  I have been in the dark for far too long, and I’m ready to be guided.  Where is a spiritual power when you need it?  I had begun developing faith literally 3 months ago, and it just sort of descended because I slipped back into my old pattern of relating… I want it back.  I was starting to re-establish trust in myself and others, and I lost it.  I have become more fearful and less trusting.

I think I am going to read up on card 12 “The Hanged Man” –read some mythology on it and such and see if I can figure out how to open myself up to be coached/taught (humbled).  I might also listen to some AA speaker tapes, as I believe it’s steps 3, 6, and 11 in 12-step recovery that are about allowing oneself to be instructed.

June 17th, 2010; My past, my experience, “mother.” Grief stage 2: Anger.

You know, maybe I didn’t really take much interest in the family
because I couldn’t relate.
I wasn’t into sports
and comedy
so maybe I was a little “self-absorbed”
like, with Max and my uncles:

I relate…
I can talk to them
about them
about their lives, interests
because we share those
but I didn’t identify with the things
my adopted family was into
they wanted me to be someone else
and maybe I needed them to be someone else, so I could relate…

There was never anyone to relate to
The first time I related was when I met Max and Lisa
in a family way
it was amazing…








but it hurts that my “family” (adopted) and I never connected
and that my mother did not accept me and tried to change me

I never tried to get my family to change
not to my knowledge
I just tried to get them to understand
I was the outcast to them
why couldn’t I be “popular” (“‘s are expectations that have now become internalized beliefs)
and like “everyone else,” my mother would say

She would criticize me
it was pretty extreme
and yeah, that’s her own shit (I say with animosity and bitterness) but still…
what “mother” criticizes their daughter?
and undercuts her?
undermines her
a narcissistic mother

I mean, I couldn’t do anything right with her
she would criticize me for how I held my silverware
no wonder I was so fucking self conscious
she would act like I was a fucking alien
as though she did not know me…
god forbid I be my own person
not one of her own
and worse, be directly related to her sister
her terrible “disruptive,” “rebellious” sister

Jeanie was not a bad person
she was outspoken
Judy was just different
she always wanted to be popular
it was all she cared about
her and Jeanie were just so different
Jeanie could care less about being popular… she just wanted to have fun and live life
they butt heads
my mother could not separate her sister from me

She’d call me a “bitch”
demean me
call me “Jeanie” –“Jeanie” this and “Jeanie” that
to the point where I could not even talk without being intrrupted and insulted
when I’d talk she’d slap me in the face
and say I was “back-talking”
or she’d pull my hair
or throw the remote control at me
she couldn’t separate
and I stood in-between… in the middle… of her masquerade… her rocky horror show

“it was never my own,” I always said, assuring myself that this couldn’t be about me
but I could have sworn it to be when I was a kid –and through my teenage
and early adult years
kids believe things their parents say
my mother taught me to hate myself
because I trusted her
and her words
“bitch” — “you’re nothing but a fucking weirdo” etc.
I hate her.

Erin said to me one time in one of her fit and rages, “go to hell”
well, I hope she –and my “mother” “go to hell”
I just want to speak
This grief needs a voice
Stage 2 –Anger
I am angry at her
SHE can “go to hell”
That is me dispelling my frustration for her insults
I internalized her words
And  mistook them for truth
I swallowed them whole
How ever did I ingest such poison?
Creating toxic shame

However did I learn to love and believe in myself?
Well, that’s simple… I haven’t yet…
and that is a lesson I need to learn
self-love and acceptance
because god knows I didn’t get any from her growing up

She spit all over me
I could never be my own person
I was never seen AS a person
I was a screen for her to project onto
as I said before, I swallowed it whole
now I have toxic shame and grief as tall as the Berlin wall turned upside

and my trust is shattered
the truth (unconditional love) in my eyes runs (ran) thin,
because all I experienced were lies
strings –attached
“If you were like the ‘other’ girls, you would be good enough” –until then I will call you a “bitch” and a “fucking weirdo” a half a dozen times
and demean, slap, and criticize you
until you get it through your head that you
just don’t measure up

I could not fight back
And now I am the bad guy??
when I bring it up to her?
I am the “bad” guy for saying, “Mom, I felt this way, and it hurt me… your words/actions hurt me…”
“Mom, these are my feelings as a result of your hostile and cruel actions”
“Mom, you have hurt me and shattered my trust”
“Mom, I learned from you that it’s OK to be abused”
Mom, you can walk all over me and criticize me and demean me;
you can pull my hair, berate me, throw objects at me, and then tell me you love me…
mom, you are a Jekyll and a Hyde

And you keep smiling to the world
How-ever, could, should, they know
the real truth
and I sit here as you hide behind some image
behind some face
a mask…
“Mom, how could you have never seen?”
the real thing
the beautiful person inside, behind your projections
your smoke-filled screen of lies and distortions
How could you have never seen, or heard the-my heartfelt cries?
or saw the tears?
large enough to fill an ocean
“How could you have not been there when I was screaming, “Mom, please — Jerry is scarring me… he’s hurting me”
I’m not sure which was worse, you hurting me emotionally or him hurting me physically

She could never live up to her actions
I was a smoke-filled screen, I repeat
A slat for her rants and slanders
curse words
not some dry erase board, either, or blackboard… it was permanent
the scarring
the damage
to my self esteem
hitting me like a lethal dose of cocaine
and all I wanted was some fucking oxygen
to breathe
to be my OWN person
to live separate from her
but she warped me into her world
her sick, twisted little world
Her tongue so sharp… bullets
I was constantly dodging bullets

I could not fight back
it was as though my wrist and hands had been tied
and my throat slit
and her tongue was stuck in my mouth
emotional incest
she would not let me breathe
I could not escape her presence
as she always found a way to pull me back in
to say something more
it was so disruptive to my psyche
anything to get to me
to cast me out
she would keep me wrapped around her dirty little finger
squeezing me to death
and not with love or hugs
but venom
“polluting the airways,” I say

I cannot breathe when she’s choking me with her words
her toxins
my screams were not loud enough for anyone to hear
I felt helpless
I kicked, and I screamed
I wanted her OFF me (her presence)
she would not stop, as she beat her head against me
and it hurt me (further psychologically damaged) me every time

my dad tried to step in, but even she brought him down…
drowning him… drowning out his voice
there was no safety
and no “love in goodbye” in my mind
for I was too tied to her
too wrapped around her finger
to understand
to see the truth vs. a lie
and it was all a lie, but it became my truth…
that was my reality
for so long
her slander and insults
and fits and swings
she can go fuck herself
I hate her, I repeat.

And still, it’s years later, and yes, this is my grief
finally coming out
she’s a joke
a heartless
cruel… crude
I do not recognize her face — this woman who hits me with inanimate objects then claims to “love” me
reinforcing her superficial image with passages from her bible

it sounds like such bulshit to me –hypocrisy
“You want me to believe you,” mother?  Yet you’re so fucking inconsistent, and yet I swallow it
that has become my reality
who would have guessed?
I think it’s funny how I’m a psych major
and how I want to understand all of this
and people
and for things to make sense
my fucking “life” never made sense… my reality with her
which WAS my life because she would not let me separate
it was, as I said, like “dodging bullets”

fuck her
and like my poem says, “and fuck him, too, for not having enough strength in his heart to pull through”
and “fuck you for all the times you told me I’d never amount to anything”
“because some day I am going to be on the top of the world”
“and throw it in your face”
“you’re such a fucking, goddamn disgrace”
those were the words she spoke to me indirectly…
I ingested her projections
I just want to say sarcastically, “I’m sorry, ‘mom,’ did I disappoint you?”
Was there a mis-communciation?  Did I get switched at the hospital?
Do I remind you of someone else?
“Was I not everything you wanted me to be?”
“Is your money not enough, your lovely ‘dream’ mansion –the car, the cash flow.”
Is it still not enough for such a sick narcissist like yourself?

I want to say, “Oh my god you have a pimple on your face!”
“Are you going to fall apart now, ‘mother?’ lovely mother?”
Are you going to shatter?
Oh, wait, your mirror has been imperfectly perfected….
“Mother, you expected me to pick up the pieces”
…”and be responsible for your happiness?!”
“Fuck you, mom!”
She can kiss my ass
her utopia
her idea of perfection
extending to me so far that if I should at all have my own wishes and desires she would throw me to the curb
all while retaining such a lovely poised face
a “white picket” fence reality
quite literally

wow, the delusion
I mean, illusion
the “delusion” on her part
to not even see me as a separate person
narcissistic wounding?
“Oh, I’m so sorry dear mother… was it that bad?”
I was a fucking victim
she took me down
she can kiss my fucking ass
she’s so pathetic
and yet she feeds off people
like a mother fucking vampire
what the fuck do I look like?
I have already been poisoned
what else is left?

nothing, nobody… just Jerry… but that’s right, he’s too preoccupied with his bottle and his sports/news television
“How does it feel now, mom?”
…”to be all alone?  –to be faced with yourself and no one else?”
is it comforting?  consoling?  …knowing, mother, that you have pushed everyone away??
with your vanity
your pseudo-charm
your riches
your material wealth
your false security, happiness
your veneer, your guise, your “mask”
your filter
I must say you sure had no “filter” back then
just degradation

she slapped me
and my god I’m finally seeing a good dose of reality
but I still feel just every bit as angry as I first did when I first encountered it –the abuse
the only difference now is that I have more clarity
I’m stronger than her
but what’s a “man” (person) to do?
now that he can see through the glass?
I am speechless.

if she were a dog, I’d say while she’s licking her chops —
“Have you had ‘enough’ yet?”
has she devoured enough and consumed enough?
excuse me for bringing up a dog… I’m just saying… sometimes she’s like a dog in that she’s that low to the ground with her actions and insults
there is a lack of obvious integrity… of truth, of honesty… of respect of any kind
she sold out
for a pretty image
sold her soul
I was taken down in the craziness
and somewhere my sense of self got thrown out the window
I couldn’t have one with her
it threatened her
her precious image
God forbid I wasn’t her lovely princess
I was constantly, unfavorably compared to her biological siblings
and devalued
compared to Jeanie
my dad fought to have full custody of me
claiming her to be “mentally incompetent”
yet she won –joint-custody
convinced the judge
with her charisma
it’s like a false negative
when it’s really positive
she was positive for a lethal dose of cocaine
and I got shot up
I didn’t want to
I had no choice
she might as well lined my head up against a brick wall and shot me
what “choice” did I have?
It was that simple
her words were insults
beyond cruel
and I couldn’t even recognize her
how could I trust someone who would hurt me, both physically, emotionally, verbally, and spiritually?
You know what?

“Actions speak louder than words”
and she’ll die old knowing that –that she was wrong
but will she ever admit it to herself?
to I?
not for the life of her
shame would never allow her to
was someone else always to blame?
because her childhood was so “horrendous”
because she didn’t get enough “attention,” she stated to my therapist during our one and only group session
which she switched from one face to the next
give me a fucking godamn break
the minute we walked out of that office she turned her back on me
as if the session never existed
as if it was all a joke…
I learned quickly it meant nothing…
just another false hope for the little girl inside of me
“attention,” mother?
you spoiled rotten narcissistic child

Jeanie was honest
she was truthful
she said it like it was
my “mother” couldn’t take it
she wanted to be the center of attention
something terrible went wrong when she was born
something got switched
in the head
something terrible happened
because she never let go of this need for attention

whoring it up with guys
behind my father’s back
for breaking apart our family
our home
breaking my sister’s heart
never showing up for her prom
blowing my brother off
so fucking self-absorbed
too caught up in herself
too busy fucking other men to see she had a devoted husband and children that loved her
lying to my dad
over and over
and yet he had to catch her!
with his own eyes
imagine the agony
that my father felt
and how he had to just shake his head and put on a face, telling the family that everything’s “alright”
what a fucking lie
my poor father

he went into self- denial because of her delusion!
and yet we hear another story
never knowing what to believe
but our own experiences
which seem to frightening to trust– to let into our minds and bodies –our psyches
so we too gt caught-up in the self-denial
and then the truth gets buried

until someone like Jeanie or I speak about it
crack the silence
and yet we’re pointed at
scapegoated against
God forbid I EVER opened my mouth to ANYONE –with my “mother”
she would slap me silly
fuck HER!
fuck me for calling her on her shit!
yet that would NEVER slide with her
she had to preserve the “image” that things were ‘perfect’
telling her girlfriends that I was the “best” daughter; this “straight A” student yet talking shit behind my back and physically abusing me??
Jekyl and fucking Hyde
You never knew what to expect

I call it a lot of garbage, a lot of trash
and unfortunately I swarmed in it for much of my life
buried alive in it
I could not breathe
it was to the top
I could not see
clarity lacked
I got away (to VT) and then I was accused of being “disloyal” to the family –by my BROTHER!
fuck that shit!
for getting the space NECESSARY
to breathe
to see
through the phony fucking veneer
my God she –and now my brother and sister who have been sucked in
must live such a SAD life
a lonely fucking existence

man, to see her with this alcoholic
who mirrors her useless existence
god have mercy on her
pity her
my god do I feel sorry for her
how the hell can I feel sorry for someone who treated without any respect?
who doesn’t respect herself
who doesn’t THINK about her actions
who goes and FUCKS whoever will give her attention
and who flirts with people to get attention
she complains like a fucking martyr
yet she’s CHOOSING to be with him
he’s a fucking mirror of her
and she doesn’t even see it
yet she elicits sympathy from her friends
“oh, Jerry this, Jerry that”
wake the FUCK up
open your eyes

I am 26 years old, and I STILL cannot “exist” with her
I am STILL a threat to her
and the more I break away, the more shit she still continues to say to me
to try and tear, wear me down
how pathetic

who’s going to take care of her when she’s old and grey?
who’s going to be there for her because she cut out everyone else
the only person she can manipulate is her lovely daughter, Amy
who she has managed to enmesh
so bad she has turned Amy on me
of course Amy would disagree because she is in self-denial
pretty fucking pathetic
Amy can’t see through it
because inside she’s afraid and is clinging like a child
there is no judgment there
it’s a normal reaction to an abnormal, shocking response (my dad’s death)
still, there is denial tearing us apart, creating walls that separate
exactly what my “mother” wants!

and my mother just embellishes and embellishes and embellishes
how is there truth in a lie?
how has the truth become a lie?
how has the lie become the truth for some, those who batted for m and were strong within themselves?
how does my sister not see through it?
and me in the background
once again, in the shadow of my lovely mother
such a charade
a lovely dance –of who’s “right?”
of who wins the cookies?  the “grammy?”
has she convinced you?
no one really wins you see…
I don’t have my father
I don’t have my brother
I don’t even have my sister
none left to vouch for me
only myself
and my journals– they are burned
discarded– whatever she did to them
All I have now is my father’s journal used in court
I am an adult now, but inside feel like I have so much healing to do from this stripping of my dignity –of my livelihood

but this “too will soon pass,” as Alanon says
with time
with love, kindness, friendship, support, and acceptance
it will move past like a rain cloud…
the rain cloud will dissolve
we will heal
our wounds
but she will die on her death bed never being able to say “I’m sorry”
because she lacks empathy
she refuses to get help
after all of this damage she has caused people
she continues to deflect blame and people buy into the “new ‘changed’ person”
there is nothing left to fight for when all else is gone,
ie: my father, me…
my mother has won, and now through fear because her siblings are isolated
and they have grown dependent on her –my sister for approval and my brother financially
my mother is the empire –or rather, Jerry is
what would she do without her false supply?
be left with herself? she’s already left with herself which is why she has to feed off people
to keep her sense of self alive
so pathetic
so sad
stricken poverty
she’s delusional
and lost it
a LONG time ago
and tried bringing me down with her
to her level
in this horror show
this film
it was so bad I couldn’t even believe it was real
I had to make-believe
hide out in my fucking room
go outside in nature
to try and escape
the chaos, the craze
and yet she was never to blame
polished her up like a car baby
like her freshly painted, manicured high-end nails
that never lost their shine
except when they encountered a chip
yet people still can’t see through it?

simply put, “My life was never my own”
my “tower” (self-hood) burnt down

a long time ago
she wouldn’t let me build (ie, my own life)
she tried to tear down –every fucking wall I built
she would find where I would hide
and she would breathe fire on me

until I melted and died (shrunk/stood so low I did not have a sense of self –worth/trust)
and then she would bring me back to life with her sweet loving words and sweet-talking “promises”

I fell for them
for her flattery
the guise
such a forced expression
so cruel
“what is a joke,” I always asked
and she’d pick me back up and the whole cycle would start all over
I’d be “damned if I do;  damned it I don’t”
I’d be damned if I repeated the cycle again

and unfortunately I have in all my relationships thus far
I have moved so lovingly into a habitual pattern
of finding unavailable women
to repeat this cycle with
but no more
“I can’t,” I repeat
“I will die again,” I say to myself
“I will suffocate,” I mutter
and occasionally scream
the roof is on fire –“my room’s on fire”
building collapsed
it haunts me in my dreams, as I dream of death and escape

maybe someday I will let a woman in the entry way
not the way my mother did
no woman will knock down every single wall
and will I give her power
to do such
because that’s destructive
and it’s not my responsibility to put on the brakes
to say, “hey, don’t tear me down”
if she can’t have the decency to do it herself she’s not worth it
she has issues
and I don’t want t o be a part of her deadly force
mass destruction
I want nothing to do with it

I want to build my own castle
my own tower
and when I find a woman worthy of trust and respect, I will let her in the doorway
to share that part with me
but until then I have gates locked
that say “KEEP OUT”
hence my swords –over my journal’s front cover
those represent boundaries
“you have to love the unknown”
I wrote, in a poem, “I swear I’m loving myself even less” -me
but this time, I’m turning that cup upside down

she and all who have hurt me can kiss my ass
the truth is, there is grief
but this time I have support
I have 12-step
and that’s enough for me
there are people there who care
there is wisdom, strength, support, love, kindness, and encouragement
I don’t need a beating
or a midnight rant
I don’t need blackness — my eye or heart

My castle will stand tall
my tower
built with new walls
only for me
stable and free
no “wind” will knock me over
no destructive force will break my fall
or tear down my walls

1/27/11-  I am pretty sure that my mother is suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or one of its cousins, possibly Borderline Personality Disorder.