Expression and boundaries


So I’m really embarrassed and kind of self-conscious.  I went to hang out with Jen tonight, Ashley’s ex.  On my way over there, she told me that “Koger” (My ex, Sarah) was going to stop by.  I figured, “Okay, whatever.”  I nonchalantly wrote it off, but I was really nervous because I felt (feel, rather) fat right now because my thyroid meds are off again – that, or my lyme disease has re-birthed itself.

Anyway, I was (am) still very self-conscious.  I am not sure what to think right now because I revealed some information to them that I may later regret, that might hurt the person I care about.  I revealed that I still kind of have feelings for my ex, Ashley, (their former best friend).  Sarah is still facebook friends with Ashley, and Jen could easily talk to her if she wanted.

At any rate, they poked fun at me tonight, and I could tell they weren’t taking it (my feelings) seriously.  I felt (feel) really raw and vulnerable right now.  I want to be able to let my feelings out, but I don’t know who to talk to, and I also don’t think I am articulating what I feel correctly.  I don’t “want” Ashley in the kind of way(s) that Sarah was joking about… it is not a lusty thing… I want to be friends with her again, honestly.  I want to do fun things together and talk (reminisce) about old times.  I want to start over again and just have a good time and talk for hours about people and life.

Tonight I was talking about things like buying her a car someday and possibly marrying her because she is the “one” for me (I know this without a doubt – that she is the kind of person that I want to be with, and I have never, literally, met anyone like her – similar to me, strong, beautiful, willful, and graceful, and have never come across another person that I feel the way I do when I’m with her).  At any rate, they kind of poked fun of me for it.

Sarah brought up how I’m going to “afford” to buy her a car if I’m only doing resale right now, saying, “How are you going to afford to buy her a car someday when you’re only selling shit,” and I said “I will make it happen; it will happen.”  I kind of changed the subject then when Kari (Jen’s girlfriend, my very first girlfriend) somewhat unexpectedly arrived because I felt embarrassed.  I was already embarrassed talking about it all because I knew they didn’t take me seriously.

I told them to watch the Notebook, and stated that I was (am) the “guy” in the notebook, and it’s not make-believe… they probably think I am delusional, I wouldn’t put it past them.  Sarah made a comment about how I knew Ash had gone to visit Mudlavia on my birthday, and I stated that I had seen it online… I didn’t want to tell her that I saw it through one of Ashley’s friends, but I did because she phished for information.

I told her that Crystal had told me that Ash is straight now, and so I clicked on the first guy on Ash’s friend list, and ironically it ended up being her current boyfriend, or what looks to be her boyfriend… and that in the pictures it showed them at Mudlavia.  That’s the truth – I didn’t look at any of her other friends… I clicked on his name because the few times I’ve gone to Ash’s page, he always shows up.

Anyway, I am afraid now what they (mostly Sarah, but Jen, too, I guess) will say to Ashley.  I asked both of them to kindly not say anything to her for fear of embarrassed on both my part and Ashley’s part, and Sarah said “Ok.”  I know how she is though and she will say something.  She will say something just to stir shit up.  She likes drama.  All I want to do is talk to Ashley again.

Like the song:  “Till the sky falls down” by Dash Berlin

“All I need is one good answer

To understand why you are gone”

It doesn’t make any sense why Ashley would cut me off out of nowhere and yet she claims that I still have “feelings” for her as if she doesn’t!  She is clearly denying them, but we will just keep it at that.  If that’s where she is right now with herself and in her growth, I will respect.  But I am allowed to talk about it, I just don’t know whether or not I can trust Jen and Sarah to not say anything.  It’s a shame I can’t talk to Ashley herself about this.

And I do have a life outside of Ashley, trust me… I work 60+ hours a week for myself.  I literally bust my ass, and though it’s hard work, I love having the freedom and flexibility of setting my own hours.  Anyway, this whole thing just seems absurd.  I’m probably better off keeping my feelings to myself and reserving them for my journal.  I truly do believe in a strong element of fate, and I know that when something is supposed to happen, it will.  I am going to (this is my plan) continue to live my life, “One day at a time” as Alanon puts it (Alanon can be credited for a tremendous amount of my growth) and see what happens.

I just wanted to get this out there.  I don’t even want to know what lies ahead for me.   I am trying to stay positive, but I know without a doubt that Sarah (and possibly) Jen are going to say something to Ash, which will likely sabotage any chance I may ever have at being friends with her again.

I know that my feelings of ambiguity will lessen over time as the universe (my Higher Power) provides me with more clarity about myself and others.  I know that I will continue to grow and learn and make the right choices for myself.  In the meantime, I will continue living my life and learning to trust myself and lean more on my Higher Power rather than others.

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The Truth


She’s not going to understand because she’s too caught up with herself.  I need to be much more selective about the people that I let into my life.  I need to stick to what I know is important and dependability is definitely one of them.  It’s about maturity.

Relationships… Commitment… Reflection…


I have a lot on my mind.  I don’t like posting my thoughts before I’ve had a chance to think about them… Typically I will journal (in my handwritten journal) first and then feel better about sharing on here.  I can’t seem to get the clarity on here via typing.

Anyway, so I’ve been thinking about relationships… about the relationships I have with others and about the relationship I have with myself.  Today the big topic was “Commitment.”  I had a long and drawn out conversation with a good friend about the topic.

I realized that a lot of my relationships with significant others have been immature and so there hasn’t ever been any sense of real “commitment” established.  Immature relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts aren’t really a good foundation for a solid relationship.  Anyway, there was one person, that despite my lack of maturity at the time, I had “commitment” with.  Ashley.

She would probably beg to differ, but I am now where she was.  At the time, when we dated, I made a stupid mistake.  I am now that person she needed me to be.  Anyway, I would have to say that that was when I most understood commitment, and sadly enough, that’s the only time I’ve ever physically been in a relationship where commitment has been demonstrated.

I have had other relationships – friendships, where there has been commitment, and there was certainly romantic attraction there… Off the top of my head, Syndee, Heike, Katherine… But I was never with these people because they were all somehow unavailable.  I must say that I now know what I want, and I know exactly what to look for.  Commitment  is related to respect.  There can’t be commitment without respect.

With that being said, all of these unhealthy, codependent relationships I’ve had lacked respect, which explains why there wasn’t any commitment.  That just goes to show how important “respect” is.  I think it’s something worth looking at.  The way you respect yourself (or don’t) and the way you respect others.  There seems to be a direct link.

I want to be in a relationship where respect is demonstrated.  It’s weird to think so many relationships I’ve been in have lacked it.  I wonder where I learned this from?  To date people who lack respect for themselves and others.  Where did I see this from?  I imagine I am imitating my father.  My father stayed by my mother’s side despite her lack of self-respect.  My mother, like many of the women I have dated, seemed to have issues where extramarital affairs are part of the picture.

I feel kind of guilty for splurging her business on a public forum, but it’s something to learn from.  My dad I guess didn’t have much respect for himself by staying with her.  With that being said, I don’t want to make that same mistake, and that is why I continuously, every day look at myself and where I’m at – where I’ve been.

I try to figure out where I’ve been and where I am now not to make the same mistake.  I know why I stay.  I also know where my heart stands.

I was talking to Heike (the good friend) about “circles” and how there are different levels of trust and they’re all directly related to respect.  I need that respect in order to be happy in life.  It’s a shame that I can’t attract a partner who demonstrates this because they are all taken.  It irritates me.

I know that eventually I will attract the partner who is supposed to be in my life.  I don’t want Ashley to snooze and lose.  That sounds horrible, but it’s true.  I can’t help it that she’s in denial right now.  Everyone knows it, but I can’t and shouldn’t have to wait around.  Yet, I do.  Yet I know there are others out there who will also demonstrate the same level of respect – whether or not they will ignite my passion, etc. is another story.  But still.  Time is ticking and time is truly of the essence.

I need to be clear and honest with myself and set and establish firm boundaries with others.  I have now been made aware of the reasons in which I stay, and I need to work on that.  I need to get myself out of this situation and clear this baggage to make room for the new.  Our past doesn’t stay with us if we’ve learned from our mistakes, and I mean truly learned.  As in, on a heart level… not head.

“Everything happens for a reason” When the time is right…


Ashley is in town tonight, and I am wondering if maybe subconsciously I am upset with the way things are between us.  I guess more than anything I am upset with myself.  Really, I am just upset with the situation.  I am bothered that she (or it feels like, anyway) is “pouting” and not talking to me.  I am sure she has good reasons, but at the same time I would like to think she can just get over it.  I don’t mean that insensitively, although I suppose it can be taken that way.  I guess I am just tired of the wall… the distance… what feels like separation.  I just want to be over it and communicating again and be supportive of one another.

I understand I offended her, and I am so sorry for that.  Trust me, I have learned my lesson.  I did not mean to violate her boundaries in any way.  I was young and naive.  You can really learn a lot in a short time.  I have learned a lot of valuable lessons in the time that I have been away from her, and I will be honest, I miss our friendship.

Anyway, she’s here in town, and I am left to sit with my feelings… Sometimes I get angry; sometimes I get sad, and I just want to go out on the town.  Yeah, people change, but there is always that part of us that remains the same.

“What’s meant to be, will be.”  I truly believe that “Everything happens for a reason.”

Relatives with bipolar


All I want are healthy relationships… I feel like I am building a healthier relationship with myself.  The truth is however, I love someone who has bipolar.  Rather, I care for someone  who has bipolar.  I am concerned.  Bipolar runs in my partner’s family.  I think her mother may have it, too.  Speaking of “mother’s,” I think my mother might have it, too.  Or rather, my aunt.  “Technically,” she’s my aunt (I was adopted, and my biological mother and adoptive mother are sisters).

Anyway, Ashley’s mother was bipolar, too.  I’m being reminded of what Ashley went through right now, as I’m living here in the same apartment complex as Ash did and where her mother still coincidentally resides.  I am probably feeling the same, or similar feelings as Ash did when trying to deal with her mother.

I cannot describe the thoughts, feelings, and emotions – the experience (experience = perception and perception affects thoughts and actions) that run through your body when your loved one is acting out.  Erin went from being normal to enraged to sad and apathetic within a matter of 20 minutes.  She went from raging and shoving me and throwing a chair to crying at the same time to crying and profusely apologizing.

She has agreed that it’s time to get her medication changed.  Anyway, I wanted to add a lot more to this entry, but I am going to an auction tonight to get more stuff for the flea market.  I would like to have the time to process this later, as I think it’s very important to process events and experiences.

I guess I just wanted to say that I think I am growing and that I now believe I understand first-hand what Ash had gone through for years…

March 12th, 2011. Bags, a way out, to leave this place.


While in my room today packing my backpack for a day out today, I thought to myself:

“This situation is not favorable and very unhealthy, and I have to find a way to pack my bags…”

I’m sitting right in this middle of this “shit.”  This is excess baggage, and I want out.  The truth is, I am too good for this, yet I am tolerating it.

I am allowing my past to dominate me, and I no longer want to let it control me.  Action needs to follow.  A plan needs to be developed.  I clearly need to rescue myself.

We teach others how to treat us.

This is not acceptable behavior and I need to learn to respect myself more and move myself into action.

February 12th, 2011. 2 Barriers: Now 1. The “Emotional.” Grief block.


I am livid right now.  I am sick and tired of Erin’s bulshit.  We got into a huge fight today because she would not send me her work schedule.  Now, before you sit here and think, “She is her own person and doesn’t have to send you her schedule,” or “She’s entitled to her privacy,” or “She’s not obligated to send you her schedule,” understand that Erin has betrayed my trust multiple times –flat out lied to me, and here is where it comes into play — listen closelyErin agreed to be honest with me about some things and she also agreed to share her schedule with me since she has lied multiple times about the hours in which she’s worked.  Granted, I had to pull a tooth and a nail for her to agree to this –to simply be honest, which I am greatly resentful for because I do not believe that it is, or should be, my responsibility to hold her accountable.

If someone is dishonest they should agree to be honest and follow-through with that agreement; if they choose to not follow-through, they are a coward.  Repeatedly, and quite honestly, I should not stay (this is where my problem comes into play, and that’s a whole other issue).  I am not saying this judgmentally, but quite simply, literally.  Look it up.

She has lied to me and has posed no solution to correct the behavior.  I have had to come up with solutions because she refuses to take responsibility for her actions.  So story goes like this… I come up with solutions; she agrees to follow them, and then bails.  I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and of holding her accountable because she refuses to take responsibility for her behavior.  I have, since I have known Erin, always said to her, “I wish someone would hold you on the ‘wall,'” and what I mean by this metaphor is that I wish someone would hold her accountable for her actions because she refuses.  After all, Erin (quote) “Does what I want when I want” -Erin S.  Her selfish behavior prevails and blows my mind.

The reason I have stayed, and I have said this before and will say it again is because I am living here with her and am trying to make the most out of this situation.  I am living here for two reasons:  1, financial, and 2, emotional (illusion).  Financially we have agreed to just be roommates, and 2.  There are still “hopes” (on my part; likely on hers, as well — in some realm) that things will work out.  I strongly detest interpersonal conflict and wish to have it resolved right away, so I am trying to make the situation right.  I cannot seem to accept the fact that things cannot and won’t change.  I seem to think “There’s always a way.” Well, the truth is, there may not always be a way, because there’s a time and place, but in my mind, there is, and I cannot seem to wrap my head around it or understand it any other way.

The result:  I keep on trying, similar to the card “2 of swords” in the tarot, which namely represents denial.  I am in strong denial here, and I sort of feel like I have to be (8 of swords) because I do not feel like I can afford to live anywhere else (except for Korea) and because my emotions are so incredibly involved and the thought of separating from Erin physically devastates me.  To say the least, I am involved in a highly codependent relationship and situation.  I am extremely bothered and know that I have options but am lacking the courage to act on them.  Between fearing that I cannot financially support myself and being extremely attached to Erin, I stay put.  I keep saying that if “X, Y, and Z” happen then I will leave…

The assumption is that “X, Y, and Z,” ie: another person, the lottery, inheritance, etc. would happen to me then these things would give me the strength to leave.  To  be honest, however, I am not sure that even an inheritance would help me to walk away from this situation because the emotions would still be attached.  So then there’s the “You could date someone else” response which my counselor actually suggested.  I keep on telling her that I do not feel like this is a viable option because I do not believe that it would be healthy.  I basically need to be (emotionally and physically) on my own.  Emotionally detached from Erin but obviously maintain (first form lol) friends and support, ie: coworkers, etc.

But my counselor keeps suggesting the idea of dating someone new.  At any rate, I do not think this would be a good idea.  Needless to say, the result ends up being that I stay locked in one place.  I bitch and complain to “Bobby,” “Rob,” and “Dorthy” (examples) and yet I stay stationary.  I sit here, and I honestly ask myself, “What is it going to take for me to move?” I have this amazing Korea opportunity which everyone seems to favor (not that their opinion truly matters in this situation because I am naturally actually starting to trust and use my own logic to think things through) but I am too scared to leave because of the emotions involved with Erin… so financial independence as an option aside, the problem now becomes the emotional ties.

It has not helped that Erin and I have been really close lately physically… remember, as long as I live here, or we live together, the “peace” will attempt to be created thus causing enmeshment, fighting, wishful thinking, etc. because in my mind that is the only option for living together; I need “peace.”  Erin and I have been spending a lot of time together the past few days and have been getting along exceptionally well.  At any rate, she tried to kiss me last night, and I actually went through with it.  Granted, it was just a little peck (no tongue) but I did not use my head like I normally would.  I think what ends up happening is that things will be really bad between us and then when things are good, I give in.  It would seem that the worse things are, that when she “throws me a biscuit” so-to-speak, I dive right in.

It’s this weird “cycle” that I can’t describe.  All I know is that it never changes, and I feel like a tire spinning in the mud.  I am clearly stuck like the song “Sick cycle carousel:” I posted on my blog about a year ago back in May or July.  So the solution is courage… and that is what I seem to lack.  Korea is always an opportunity… they hire year-around; however, I want to leave in March or April because that seems like a good “time” for me (I love the spring, and it’s a time of new beginnings and starts) but the emotions (attachment issues) with Erin are keeping me from acting.  I am somewhat happy that one part –the financial, is already taken care of, because now I just need to work on the emotional so that I can free myself of this mess.  The problem is I don’t know how I’m going to free myself of the emotional baggage except through someone else which is what my counselor has been suggesting.

I told Nadine that I do not think this is the “right” thing to do and she seems to disagree.  She keeps giving me the impression that if I find someone else with whom I am compatible, emphasizing the compatibility issue and further reinforcing the fact that Erin and I are not “compatible” –that has the qualities that I am looking for, ie: honesty, respect, communication, accountability, and commitment then it will be right.  “But…” I ask as well as say to myself… “…”  “What will I do about the grief with Erin?” Dating someone else is not just going to make it go away!  I want to say, “Don’t we have to alone with the grief?” ie, single and outside of a romantic relationship.  One could argue “yes;” another could argue “no.”  I mean, I guess we all have baggage that we carry around and we always will have baggage so/but I imagine we can’t just stay alone (single) forever, right?  …until we’re finally over each and every person and each and every incident in our lives?  See, this is where I am torn.

So yeah… if it’s presumed that the financial will be taken care of, ie: Korea, and the emotional is the only problem, how can I resolve and tackle this issue?  Another rebuttal counselor Nadine brought up when I indicated disapproval to the dating someone else idea was just spending a lot of time away from Erin, ie: in my bedroom, etc.  Honestly, that’s nice in theory, but I am not sure how feasible it is.  Whenever Erin and I are around each other in the house, I want to spend time with her, and yet whenever we are apart I am constantly worrying (for legit purposes) that she is out pursuing someone else, and it does not matter if we are not technically “together” or not because of the unresolved hurt which keeps me engaged in the cycle.  There is so much pain, attachment, and grief that it’s nearly impossible to move forward… I honestly think I am going to try and read more “grief” articles and articles on separation and divorce because this is what it feels like for me.  Apparently I do have serious attachment issues.

Quite frankly, I am sick and tired of wasting my life and potential being stuck in relationships that are unfulfilling and not what I want, ie: in line with my values (honesty, respect, communication, accountability, and commitment, and shared interests) yet I am not necessarily too “afraid” to physically leave here per se, especially now that I have an opportunity to go to Korea, but rather, have zero clue about how to get past the emotional piece… the grief.  I honestly feel like my emotions are/have gotten the “best” so-to-speak of me, and this is honestly where and why I wish that Ashley was in my life right now as a best friend… honestly, any beautiful woman who’s intelligent and encouraging because I think it would inspire me.  I just need someone who I see these beautiful traits (honesty, respect, communication, accountability, and commitment) in so that I can know it’s “out” there and then begin to move forward.

Am I going about this backwards?  I can’t think of any other solutions… it is pretty laid out… I am fortune enough to have this opportunity in Korea where the financial piece is taken care of, but the emotional is proving challenging.  It would seem the solutions are pretty simply laid out:  1.  Spend time away from Erin physically or 2.  Date someone else.  1 is extremely hard for me and 2 would seem and feel wrong.  I often feel like Erin starts fights or gets upset with me to have “reason” to emotionally and physically be away from me.  She literally will get to close to me and things will be going “well” –whatever that means, and then the next thing I know, she’s pushing away, furthermore engaging in this push/pull cycle.

I hate that Erin is not honest.  I hate that she makes false, empty promises that she cannot keep.  I hate that I am in this situation because I, in many ways, do not feel that I have another choice.  I obviously have objective 1 taken care of, ie: the financial, yet objective 2 I cannot seem to get past.  There is always a barrier it seems.  I need help.  If I can’t seem to stay away from Erin when we’re physically around each other then what else am I supposed to do?  …latch onto someone else as my counselor had suggested only worded and intended more maturely?  My counselor actually conveyed the message that it would be a good and healthy action/experience because the person would have the qualities that I am looking for, but how can I even begin to attract this if I am not more independent?

I understand that is a fear of mine, ie: “If I am not independent I will not attract anyone,” but it is a legit one… How can I possibly attract a beautiful young woman if I am in a dependent spot?  And what am I supposed to say to her when she asks, or it comes up in conversation, “Where are you living, Emily?” Imagined response:  “Oh, with my ex girlfriend and her father…” Do you know how unattractive that is?  See, what people don’t understand is that I am actually very independent; I am naturally a very independent and strong-willed person, but I am just in a bad (less than favorable, rather) situation right now, and I am afraidI don’t know how to overcome my grief (The problem!).  I don’t know how to stay away from Erin physically first off when we’re in the same house, which seems pretty damn basic, and I don’t know how to grieve, especially when there’s a constant threat of her “acting out,” ie: dating someone else, hooking up with someone, signing up for a dating site, etc. and me feeling/experiencing the rejection (she has acted insensitively for all but 4 months of our 3 year “relationship” now) all over again.

So I feel trapped although I know I am not.  At any rate, it would be fair to say that I am trapped in my feelings, or more accurately, grief.  I am frozen with indecision and inhibition.  I am paralyzed.  I am angry, resentful, in denial, etc. –just wanting things to be okay, and the the truth is, they’re not.  I just don’t feel like any woman is going to be attracted to me given my current situation.  I mean, I cannot imagine a healthy woman dating a man who is still living at home, and especially not a man who’s living with his ex, and so why on earth would anyone see or treat my situation any differently?  I will tell you right now however, that if I did date/find a woman, I would be loyal 100% to her.  I do not have a problem with loyalty.  When someone has swept me away and captured my attention, I am theirs 100%.  I will not play games with someone who treats me right.

I often say, “If Ashley ever took me back, I would be back with her in a heart beat and she would never have to worry about the things she did before,” ie: me leaving her because I had not grieved my ex.  Granted, I was 19, but that experience nevertheless changed my life.  Honest-to-God, if Ashley ever came back to me and asked me to be with her again, I would be with her in a heartbeat, and I would be 100% faithful to her.  Faithfulness has never been an issue with me.  My problem was that I left Ashley when I was 19 to go back to my ex with whom I had unresolved grief.  Ashley and I ended up rebounding with one another.  We were both in rocky situations, where in my case, my partner was cheating on me with my ex-best friend! –and Ashley’s partner too busy smoking weed all day to give her the attention she deserved, and Ashley and I turned to each other as friends for solace, and ended up dating about a month later.

At any rate, we both became involved too quickly, and I had not grieved my ex, Sarah.  Sarah could not stand the fact that I was with Ashley and she tried everything in her power to get me back.  I had not grieved Sarah, nor was I very mature at 19, and so I naively and regretfully took her back only to be cheated on again by her with the same woman a month later and then several others, both men and women, in the course of the remaining 2.5 years that I would ‘choose’ to stay with her!  During this time, I put up with things that I never should have allowed myself to put up with.  Although there is no excuse for this, in retrospect, I think I subconsciously allowed this because Sarah constantly guilted me about leaving her for Ashley, but she was cheating on me so anyone would have wanted to get away from that!  But the right thing probably would have been to be alone, and honestly, that was my –and Ashley’s intention, but it ended up turning into a relationship.

Sarah was very selfish.  I also stayed with her, because similar to the situation with Erin, I wanted things to be better between Sarah and I.  I had felt rejected for being cheated on, and I took it personally.  The same exact thing has happened with Erin.  Instead of taking these women’s behavior personally I should have been able to step back and see it as their problem and completely unacceptable, but I didn’t –I let my emotions get the best of me.

So here I am… 7 years later, and I have an opportunity to do things “differently.”  Do I?  Have I?  No.  Why?  Up until 1.5 years ago, literally, I did not know what I wanted in a relationship… I had no clue what a healthy relationship consisted of.  Now, after having dated Erin and having had the negative experiences I’ve had, I know what I want.  Additionally, I think I have attachment issues.  I have a hard time letting go of an unhealthy, unfulfilling relationship… I think this is because it sort of mocks the relationship I had with my mother and the “messages” that I learned from her growing up.  I learned from my her that I was not worthy of deserving to be loved.  My mother was not emotionally available to me and would often say and do very hurtful things to me like call me a “bitch,” hit me with the remote control, throw it at me, pull my hair with the hair brush, slap me, stand me up, etc., and so this was the behavior that I learned and along with that came subconscious messages, which I carried with me into adulthood and into all my relationships.

I can recognize this on an intellectual level, and I am just beginning to recogize it on an intellectual level, but changing the behaviors and messages is an entirely different story and requires work.  I need someone to help me with that work; the problem is I don’t trust anyone to help me because the very people I have trusted most –into my inner sanctum–, ie: Syndee E. have hurt me beyond measure.  Syndee, my former “therapist” was a sociopath, ie: antisocial personality disorder.  If you are unfamiliar with a sociopath I would suggest doing a little research on it.  At any rate, she sucked me dry for over $5,000 out-of-pocket in therapy and left me with more than a scar.  I ended up regressing at the end of our 3 year rendezvous.  The case went legal.

So yeah… when trust, something so very basic, has been shattered, I am honestly not sure how, and if, and when, it will, or can be regained/re-established.  I am really going to need words and actions to match up and for “actions to speak louder than words” when it comes to folks in order for me to ever trust again.  And people honestly wonder why I hang onto Ashley and Ashley’s and I’s “relationship” and that’s because she was the only person who ever followed-through on her words.  She was very big on fulfilling and living up to her potential.  I could always count on and rely on Ashley, and I highly respected her.  She was warm, sympathetic, supportive, and always there –firm and steady.  I need that in my life, and want to attract people like that.

Yet another cold and [baffling] reality “hits” me as I write tonight and that’s that Ashley is not here… ie, in my life.  The last I heard from her was on New Years Eve when she stated to me: “Don’t text me” after I had texted her expressing my feelings about how lonely I was and upset that Erin and then my friend dumped me off, when just a week prior to that she sent me a Christmas text saying something along the lines of “Merry Christmas,” which I found out through her ex with whom I was the matchmaker for 7 years ago that she sent that to “everyone.”  At any rate, a few months prior to that text I heard from her via phone because she called me and told me all about this guy who she was obsessed with and who she could not get over the fact that he reminded her so much of me.  It went something like “Emily, omg, he reminds me so much of you…”  “Oh my-God Emily, he reminds me ‘so much’ of you.” I was not sure what to think of this when I heard this, as I had mixed feelings, but my final conclusion was “She still has feelings for me, ie: unresolved grief because there’s transference going on, etc.”

Additionally, the last time I saw Ashley (Summer of 2007) it was apparent that she and I still had feelings for each other.  At any rate, I heard from her then, then again at Christmas, and when I decided to text her on New Years Eve, she responded to me with a suprisingly shocking rude text message.  I did not text her for months afterwords and then I just recently –yesterday in fact, sent her a Valentine card and cd with new music on it.  I told myself and Erin (because I am trying to set an example for Erin) “This will be the last time I reach out to her.” I am serious about this because I am sick and tired of the relationship with Ashley being one-sided now.  Ashley, for the last 4 years or so, has been very about herself — “me me me,” and I have just sort of went with it because I felt like I guess I deserved to just listen to her go on about herself because I was “lucky” (I would tell myself) to be having her contact me after what I did to her 7 years ago, ie: leave her for my ex.

So in my mind I was thinking, “Wow, it’s nice to actually hear from her.”  The truth is, however, we were never able to establish a reciprocal relationship because she was so busy always talking about herself and would never reach out to me or make time for me, ie: my feelings, sharings, experiences, etc.  So I would just listen to her for hours with a sympathetic ear feeling grateful and delighted for her to be contacting me.  I must admit, however, that it did hurt me that she would hog the conversation so-to-speak, and honestly, I really would have liked to have developed a friendship, 2-sided with her.  I expressed this to her clearly many times.  I guess there is only so much you can do before you just have to realize that someone is not going to change.  I always think, “Maybe Ashley will come around some day,” and who knows– maybe she will, or maybe she won’t.  All I know is that I hold onto the image of Ashley and I and what we had, because it may be 7 years ago, however, that “relationship” sadly, whatever it was, was the only not “good” per se, thing that I had, but it was a relationship in which someone else was respectful towards me and we shared similar values and interests.

To say the least, the compatibility was strong and now I look for that (Ashley, and Ashley and I’s relationship served as an example) in other relationships.  So here I am… and this is all about the relationship with myself and what choices I have… and now I just need to somehow get over this insurmountable barrier with my emotions in regards to this situation with Erin so I can move on…  I am somehow going to need to get space (physical) from her and learn to grieve without driving myself crazy with all the worry and “what-if’s,” ie:  “What if ‘x;’ what if ‘y'” to where I cannot get the peace or clarity/room to be myself.  I “am haunted by the hero that I could not be” just popped into my head… a lyric from the song “Rescue me” by Digital Summer, which keeps replaying in my head and in my dreams.

Speaking of “Rescuing me” songs… I have been having many dreams, left and right, about rescuing others, etc. and I honestly think that they are about myself… and with me needing to rescue myself.  The two songs that come to mind when I think about this are “Rescue me” by Digital Summer and “Far away” by Nickelback.  Both of these songs I can sing to my inner child.

Since I have already posted “Rescue me” twice in this blog, recently, I am going to post “Far away” one more time to reflect what I’m referring to.