May 31st, 2012 Update – Blah

I am feeling very much so in a very “stuck” place in my life right now… kind of like the “4 of cups” tarot card.  That, is how I feel.  I for one am NOT losing any weight, despite how often I exercise and how healthy I eat.  I attribute it to my thyroid, which I believe I am under medicated for.  June 4th I drive to Indianapolis to file to get medical care at the walk-in clinic because it’s one of the only clinics in Indiana that is 90% income-based.  From there, I will likely have to wait 2-3 weeks to even get in with a doctor.  Yes, an hour and a half each direction ($50 in gas for my beast) to do paperwork alone; then, another drive to see the doctor.

Needless to say, the process is very frustrating.  Erin and I are both struggling financially right now, and I have so much potential, and I am apparently not living it up.  I know that Erin and I are not meant to be together, and I know for a fact that I am still in love with Ashley.  Erin and I are together right now only to help each other out financially, and unfortunately Erin owes me $7,000 and going up per month.  I am basically paying all of our bills, and we are almost flat broke.

I do not want to work for anyone.  I hate working for people, and it is completely stifling.  I cannot ever seem to find a job that I enjoy when it involves working for or under someone.  I am wanting to work for myself and be fully independent.  It is easier said than done, but everyone around me seems to own their own business… meaning, everyone in my family – they are all self-sufficient, and half of them didn’t even graduate college!  Granted, my father and my sister have Master’s Degree’s, but no one else, and they are making over 100K a year.

My biological father makes 6 figures a year.  All of them do it (the work) on their own, and of course, they have hired people.  But they are CEO’s.  I am not sure what’s going on with my life as to why I cannot seem to make ends meet for myself right now, but it’s the student loans that are killing me… I owe $714 a month in student loans… I can barely even afford to make rent + utilities, let alone student loans or anything else.

I am having a bad day today.  I have “stuff,” literally everywhere… and “stuff” has NOT made us money.  We have good stuff, too, but apparently this is not what we’re “meant” to do.  I am trying to narrow my focus down to only what’s important, and I feel like I am doing this all the time.  I am getting down the basics… and I prefer it that way, yet I am not happy about where I currently am in life.

It would seem the only option for Erin and I to be financially secure is to go to South Korea for 1 year in January and teach English… where she can pay me back then, and I can at least put a little money aside.  There isn’t anything in the United States here for me right now… I need to get this debt down.  I am also depressed I think about this whole Ashley thing… I am really sad (and angry) – I suppose it’s grief, that she is not in my life.

I am angry that she just walked out of my life when I, and really, each other had been there for each other for years.  I was going to buy her a plane ticket once to a personal growth psychology conference in Colorado… I had the money then, and I knew she would love that.  She said I was “nuts.”  I am very generous when it comes to time and resources in terms of people I truly love.  Of course now I would not be in a position to do that, however, I was then.  What’s changed?  Student loan money ran out… and I have paid Erin’s bills.

When Erin works, she cheats.  It’s a double-edged whammy for me.  I cannot trust her anywhere… this “relationship,” as I have said many times before, is virtually non-existent.  But I am here, for now, because I can’t make it on my own, either, to survive.  …until, as I said, we go to Korea, where the money is guaranteed and housing paid, so I can afford to cut down on some of the debt.  1 year in Korea and then I shall be good to go for a while.

Student loan companies and student loans in general are a complete joke.  They rip people off.  They do not work with you at all, not “private” companies at least, ie: Sallie Mae’s private loans.  Unfortunately I have a bunch of them because my parent’s made “too much money” for me to qualify for federal aid, at the time I applied for college, the first couple years.  Very aggravating… ill despite the fact that I never saw a penny from my family, student loan companies took this into account.

So I said, “I don’t care, I am going to go to school,” and I took out the private loans.  Now debt hangs over my head, and we, people, dream of ways to pay it off.  I am highly capable so I am not sure what’s going on here… why I am struggling?  I am not inspired, and I am honestly wanting Ashley to come back into my life as a friend.  I want to do fun things together… to talk… about everything.  I am sick of the lame people here in Lafayette (literally) – they are all ignorant.  Nobody shares the same interests as us here… ie, organic, health food, exercise, progressive politics, etc.  Just “progressive!”  It’s… all in Bloomington, and even then, I’m not sure if it would be like in Vermont, or more “progressive” states.

I just feel… “blah” right now.  My family does not talk to me… my brother, sister, mother, Amy, cousins, etc.  It’s as though, literally, ever since I went to VT, everyone has cut me off… okay, so I have different beliefs… your point?  They have ex-communicated me.  I am not exaggerating.  I am ignored and flat-out not invited to family get togethers and gatherings.  Do you know how sad this is?

Anyway, I want to go because I want to try and work out my never-changing stomach… at another shot to correct something that can’t be corrected with out the proper medication, which, at this point, is just a “waiting” period, ie:  June/July doctor.


Update on life – 5/3/12.

Hmm… what’s really new?  Not much… I just ordered a new Osprey Raptor 14 backpack.  I am going to see if I like it better than the Raptor 10.  Osprey’s backpacks are absolutely amazing.

I am still doing flea marketing, independent sales, tarot readings ,etc.  I have actually done very well with tarot readings.  I read for 5 people in one day at a yard sale last week and made $100 in readings alone and had an awesome time.

I had a yard sale today and got burnt bad.  I made $100 – no tarot readings.

Shipshawana sucked a few days ago, and I don’t want to go again, however, it was suggested to me that it picks up after Memorial Day, so we’ll try again.

I’m trying to get rid of everything I can right now and switch to vintage costume jewelry along with the tarot readings on the side because everything else is just getting to be too much… it’s too heavy, and it (a lot of it) is not really selling… I heard jewelry is a good place to start.

I bought a fixie (fixed gear bicycle) two weeks ago and couldn’t be happier – I love it!  People suggested not doing fixed gear right away, especially if you haven’t ridden a bicycle in as long as I have (10+ years), but I decided to dive right in, and I couldn’t be happier!

Hmm, what else… People in Indiana seem to be really close-minded… I have been having a difficult time getting close to others here, or rather, they have had a difficult time getting close to me.  I have honestly never experienced anything like it… I am sizing it up to conservative vs. liberal.  Indiana seems to be pretty damn conservative.

Hmm… what else… Ashley is still not talking to me.  I don’t even know whether or not she reads my blog or even looks at my profile.  Her boyfriend seems full of himself, or maybe that’s not the right word… he just doesn’t seem very intelligent honestly, and I think she can do better.

Hmm… I have stuff scattered everywhere… in my apartment, storage unit now, and at two of my retail booths.  Oh… the retail booths… are not working out.  They are not making any money at all, and I am not exaggerating.  Rent is $150, and I literally sold $150 worth of items, which means I actually lost money… ie, what I put into those products.  I will be pulling out of both booths by the end of May.

Yard sales have been a success… I have made $150 at each one I have hosted.  I have hosted on Fri, Sat, and Sunday’s.  Today I hosted and made $100.  Sunday’s suck… at least the last one did.  I think it may be because of church?  Just a speculation… Fri & Saturday’s are good.

Hmm… I will be going to the fair grounds to sell… people say it’s pretty good.  It’s the first Sunday of every month… should be interesting, although I do not know how I feel about being up at 6am.  I am not a morning person; I never have been, and I never will be.

What else is new?  I am still eating healthy…

I am thirsty right now actually.

I just wanted to update everyone on what’s been going on with my life…

Hmm, re-iteration of anything… ?  Just that I feel lonely and dissatisfied with my relations and affairs here in Lafayette, or the “Midwest,” rather.  Erin and I both have not been very happy in regards to our social attempts.  People are truly close-minded hear, fear-based, ignorant, and way too damn closed off.  I cried last night because it just got to me that a friend was so damn push/pull with me, and I just truly feel like it is the Midwest, because I haven’t experienced this elsewhere… not this bad.  Burlington was never this way, mark my word!

I am sad that Ashley has not yet come back into my life… but what can I expect?  I am still shocked that her and her mother moved out of the apartment complex they had been living in for over 15 years – blows my mind.

I want to write, ie: music, etc. but have not been inspired.  I am trying hard to follow-through with my daily goals.

I am thinking of selling aloe vera plants at my yard sale because I have literally had dozens of people interested in mine that I use with my tarot readings ;)

I am craving a smoothie right now with flax seed oil and/or protein powder.

I am tired and am going to go rejuvenate myself :)