So I am feeling really depressed right now. Or maybe extremely “blah” is another word. I think that Ashley and her mother moved, or to be technical, Ashley’s mom, which means I won’t see Ashley anymore, and would explain why I haven’t seen Ashley for about 6 weeks. I saw her several times in January, and that’s about it. Did she move because of us? Her mother never like me because she thought I turned Ashley gay. She called me a “dyke” all the time. Anyway, Ashley knew we moved here because I had texted her, and she pretended as though her phone number was invalid. Funny, I called the number and it was her voicemail, and I know better.
At any rate, she has completely ignored me for maybe about a year now? I don’t understand… but I am more sad than anything, and I feel literally sick to my stomach now. I haven’t seen her mother’s car in about 2 weeks, or at least 2 weeks or so ago was when it was really brought to my attention. I am beginning to have regrets and think that maybe I should have put something on Ash’s car when she came to visit… “maybe I blew it?” Again I think…
The porch outside of her apt just looks plain… I’m not sure if anything has been removed or not, but something is definitely different. There are two plants outside and they look all dead and dried up and are moved/pushed forward, and the storage shed has a lock that is hanging on the latch open. Her welcome mat is still outside the door, but that doesn’t mean anything. I am sick to my stomach, and I am sad. I was really inspired knowing Ashley still lived here…
I had plans of getting all in shape and the hope of running into her at the pool. I really hate this shit. Excuse my language, but I literally feel sick to my stomach. I have never liked change, and this just blows. Any connection I even have remotely to Ashley is pretty much broken, too. Sarah is not talking to me though she agreed to add me to her friend’s list, Crystal (Ash’s ex, who I actually hooked her up with) flat-out deleted me off her friend’s list for no absolute reason what-so-ever on her birthday, Jen (Ash’s ex, the first one who she was with when Ash and I actually met) says she wants to hang out all the time but never does and seems embarrassed to be my friend (she flipped out about me sharing a picture that was public of her and some of our mutual friends being dorky).
I just don’t feel like I have any other gateway “in,” and yet, I have no idea why Ashley actually cut me out of her life, but it was out of nowhere, and feelings for one another have been mutual, and not changed the least bit, so it doesn’t make any sense.
I guess life is going to have to go on… now I am going to have to take (experience) a loss. I really hate this, and I wish so badly I could turn back the hands of time… I feel really depressed right now.
I feel alone, and all I want is to feel connected again… how am I going to get my inspiration back without her even close? I feel like it has officially ended now, and I am sick to my stomach.
Forget the fact that we just traded our car today and have a better car, more suitable for work purposes, I completely forgot. I don’t even want to walk anymore… outside… nothing. My last bit of hope has just been shattered.