May 5th, 2011. Doubts, insecurities, compatibility.


I feel like Ashley did right now with Crystal… constantly frustrated and stifled, yet hopelessly holding on.  Erin brought up the song the other day “All the same” by the Sick Puppies.

She was feeling insecure.  Now I feel this way and have this song blaring through my head.  Erin basically expressed doubt in us last night while and after we were intimate.  I hate this push/pull with her.  It’s very frustrating, and she sends off mixed signals.  She is never clear with what she wants or feels especially, and I am honestly not even sure if she knows what she wants sometimes.

She said something that I have unfortunately heard many times before — “we’re ‘too different.'”  Why is it these free-spirited women keep telling me that we’re “too different?”  They are strangely attracted to me and yes, our differences, yet at the same time they long for more, someone more like themselves, ie: on the “same page?”  I don’t get it.

She says that I need to have everything planned… that I want to spend certain time together whereas she would rather be more casual and just go out and come home when she “pleases.”  Obviously, but in my eyes, things — at least for me, don’t work that way.  At least not with her, or her type of personality… I want and need consistency with her because there has been so little of it.  Not to mention, there are some MAJOR trust issues between us because of her lying to me about things.  She rationalizes and justifies her behavior.

At any rate, she wants to just be able to do “what she wants, when she wants,” and doesn’t care about the time that it will take as long as she’s having a good time.  This is great for some people, but others let the fun carry away with them and get the best of them.  I have been really “lax” so-to-speak about Erin going out before and what ends up happening is she ends up drunk and out until really late.  I will not bring up her past, but lets be honest, that concerns me, too.

At any rate, the times that she has gone “out,” she pushes for more and more.  And then she meets people, lesbians, etc. who also want to go out and share the raunchy sense of humor she has, etc. while I am at home like a family “man,” or even if I’m out with friends for the evening, but I have to worry about things.  Or nevertheless, I do worry.  Yes, I have my abandonment fears, too.  Yes, I worry about promiscuity with her.  I am not a “free-spirit” when it comes to sex, partying, and drugs.  Erin says that stuff is in her past, but there are some personality traits that do not change and are always underneath the “surface” so-to-speak.

I don’t know, maybe I am in part afraid, but that’s based off past experiences with her — over 3 years just about, and off intuition, etc.  I am really trying here to just let her do her own thing, but there is so little trust.  I am generally a very trusting and optimistic person and so when that’s gone it’s bad, but even then, I am still willing to try.  Time and time again she has shown me that she cannot follow-through on what she says.  Even when we have been unable to be “intimate” for reasons which I will not mention here for the sake of privacy, she has disregarded these serious precautions and said “To the hell with it, lets go!”  I am sorry, but when my health and so much more is put at risk, I am not just going to “go to town!”

At any rate, she feels put on a “short leash,” but in my mind, it’s a making of her own behavior.  I am not this enemy, but she feels “strangled.”  Okay… I do not know what to say to that.  She feels strangled, and I feel uninspired.  Alright, so I can find inspiration somehow via friends and local events and she can somehow get her freedom back via building trust, ie: showing dependability, which she is unable to do.  She is late all of the time, pushes to be out later, etc., and so to put it simply, I constantly feel walked on.  I need reliability and since none was formed in the beginning, it needs to happen now so I can chill out!

She wants all of these privileges after she has abused multiple ones.  When trust is betrayed multiple times, it is not just all of a sudden “better.”  There isn’t a magical solution.  You can’t just “put it ‘behind’ you.”  Trust me, we have tried that so many times… The thing is, I am willing to give her a fair chance, but it’s not enough for her — she wants to be let off the string entirely.  Erin has issues with commitment.  I have issues with trust.  Well, we both have issues with trust lol, but she trusts me.  I have not hurt her.

I want to be able to give her the freedom she desires, but I honestly wonder if we will ever achieve a fair balance.  She works herself to death and then comes home and wants to spend the entire evening by and with herself — she doesn’t want to spend time cuddling or watching a movie.  She seems to not need or desire that “intimate” time together — that time was short-lived.  I miss that closeness and connection, which lasted maybe about 2 months in the beginning of our relationship.  I am a long-term person, not short-term.  I am not just about the thrill of the “chase.”

I am going to try and cope with the doubts she expressed to me last night to the best of my ability.

March 17th, 2011. Determined to carry out vision.


I have a vision for myself and my family, and I am determined to work tirelessly to achieve the vision, with the grace of God.

I want to create opportunity, and am motivated to do it! The vision will carry me…

Self-sufficient and self-employed. Able to travel. Educational and cultural experiences. Well-developed values. Personal and social change. Successful integration.

March 3rd, 2011. Boundaries. Clashes. Values.


It’s time that I put up boundaries with Erin because I am not about to be fooled again.  I feel like I am getting played, and I have felt this way off and on for months now; realistically, a couple of yearsShame on me for not walking away. Denial is what brings me right “back” again, into the loop… the vicious cycle.  She is bulshit.  Everything about her.  I hate her and how she lies through her teeth.  She gets off on deceiving people.  She even deceives herself.  The problem is I get caught up every time and give in.  I call her a push over, and most of the time she is, yet I am a push over for not walking away.  I guess I am scared to.  My heart is too intertwined.  I hate it.

Every time I gain some momentum she pulls me back again with her sweetness… she gets physically close to me and it causes me to “believe” things have changed.  Wrong.

I am only fooling and deceiving myself.  She is still the same cruel, heartless, distant, cold, insensitive, selfish, and calculating person she is.  My poem reads, “There isn’t any ‘love’ in goodbye,” which indicates how hard (difficult) it has been for me to walk away from unhealthy attachments.

I guess the messages that we learn in childhood can either keep us imprisoned or we can break out of them somehow.

How do we free ourselves?  What is the ‘glue’ that holds us together?  If denial then denial of what?  Where is this ‘landmine’ I have stepped on, if such an invisible barrier?  How can I learn to recognize it?  The red

flags?  Those things that we are supposed to keep our eyes wide-open to?  See, I saw them, but I was so used to them from my mother and previous relationships that I overlooked them, passing them off as something I “haven’t already handled.” The fact is, she became too good at her game, and unfortunately I lost mine.  Now I am stuck in a battle — a no-win situation, and I have clearly lost.  Myself.

I am ready and desiring to reclaim myself.  First comes the boundaries:

So when she comes at me and wants to tear down my walls:

What do I do?  Do I just stand there?  Take it?  The solution would be to walk away, but “how” I ask, do you walk away from the only thing (false love, ie: narcissistic love) you’ve ever known?  And when real love should present itself, how do you trust it?  If trust is shattered and you have been stripped of your dignity, then how can you trust again?  …how can you even trust yourself when your natural instinct has been deceived?

I want to hang Erin against a wall… what I mean by this is I want to see her held accountable for her actions, as I am so tired of her getting herself off the hook and sweet talking herself out of everything, including her stupid accident which was near-death and drug/substance-induced which she nearly killed someone and was able to talk her way out of getting alcohol/drug tested by the on-scene police officer!  I am angry at her for her “I’ll do ‘whatever I want, ‘when’ I want attitude” at the expense of others.  She’s a fucking antisocial (sociopath) woman.  I do not trust her for the life of me and nobody should because she’s hype and glee one day and a cruel, calculated witch the next.

I am sick and tired of this shit, and I am once again “packing my bags,” both figuratively and literally.  I have stuff all over my room right now sorted into different containers once again trying to figure out what I “need” and don’t need.  I do not trust my stability/security, ie: Erin and Rick’s home.  I do not trust Erin — as we have already established.

“Kicked around,” “Played with,” “Punched,” “Lied to,” “Deceived” — You name it, I have been.  It has happened to me.  I am sick and tired of it and am trying to develop standards for myself so that I can get the hell out of here.  I must admit having a car will make it a lot easier!  I am going to try my best not to lose my car and hope to God that my funds are not as low as I anticipated.  I am going to honestly, somehow have to “pull up my bootstraps” and fly.  I cannot wait-stay here; it is not healthy for me.  We have known (already established) this, yet I am pretty thick-sculled because my heart is hurting so bad that I don’t want to face the grief (another loss added to the many others that I have had trouble grieving) to deal with.

Apparently I have a hard time with grief, and maybe I choose to become locked into these patterns to avoid having to face it.  The harsh reality is I am going to have to face it because there will soon come a point where I am on my own officially.  Honestly, a part of me wants to be on my own, as scary and frightening as that might seem… It’s a challenge for sure; however, being/living in Philly is not a challenge… it is downright scary.  There isn’t any “challenge” in an area that is unsafe, as I have zero interest in living in an area that is unsafe.

I am interested in living in an area where I can grow and reach and aspire to be my best.  I do not want to have to worry about my back, which I feel like in Philly you can’t do anything but that, and it doesn’t help that that is the impression Erin feeds me daily.  I do not want to have to live my life that way… To be quite honest, if it wasn’t for Erin I would not even be in Philadelphia.  I came here namely for the relationship… to continue it because I wanted things to be okay… and I believed her when she said that all she needed was her “family” and that everything would be “alright.”  Wrong.  It got worse.

I took the bait.  At any rate, I choose on some level, whether subconsciously or consciously, to come to Philly.  Some part of me chose — maybe the underdeveloped part of myself that longs for a “family.”  The sad fact is, “family” to me is not the kind of family I want in my life… it’s narcissistic.  I don’t want narcissistic “love” in my life.  I want real love, and it starts with myself… so the reality is I have to get away from here.  I need to leave.  This place doesn’t do me any good, and it’s only hurting me (worse) being here.  It’s only reinforcing the false internalized belief that I am not loveable or respectable or worthy.

I can’t determine my worth anymore in the eyes of others… not in those who are unworthy of my love, time, attention, and respect.  I cannot allow myself to be walked on.  Thus, I need to put up boundaries; it is absolutely necessary for my health and survival.  I need to start now.  As hard as it might seem/be, I need to, because I cannot continue to live a lie and live a life that does not serve (enrich) me.  I am wasting precious, valuable opportunities… I cannot let a thief bring me down… I cannot let him/her rob me of my soul.  Life is a precious jewel, and I want to treat it that way.  I will not short-change myself.