Whitney Houston


Holy shit, I just found out that Whitney Houston died…  How incredibly sad…

Before:

After:

Absolutely demoralizing…


I was hesitant to even post this on my blog, but the truth needs to be known that drugs and alcohol are not good for you, period.  They rob you of your soul, and your life.

June 7th, 2011. The Contemplation of Death. Existential Matters.


You know, something we don’t think about often is death.  I keep getting the “10 of swords” and “5 of pentacles” is nearly all of my tarot readings.  Tarot plays off ones subconscious and works via quantum physics similar to the law of attraction.  The cards are not “evil” as some religious folks might believe – they are impressions in image-form.  In other words, we think certain things and have a subconscious and the images reflect this subconscious domain.

Both of these cards are dis-favorable cards, and I have drawn them more times than I can count.  The reality is my health is not in good shape and is compromised.  My ear-node pain is getting worse.  I have it in both ears, although the right side (also where my asymmetrical tonsil is located) is worse, and it gets so bad sometimes that it radiates to my upper jaw, causing a headache in back and front and then finally neck and shoulder pain.  The ear-node pain is worse when I am stressed out and cold air makes it worse, however, the pain comes and goes at any time.

All other symptoms, ie: hair loss, joint pain in hand/fingers, weight gain (and loss), fatigue (extreme), dry/red/bloodshot eyes, hot/cold flashes, occasional night sweats, etc. are so trivial compared to the ear-node pain, which on a 1-5 scale is about a 4 most of the time, sometimes hitting a 3 and other times a whopping 5.  I am too young to be having these kinds of issues.  Whatever I have going on — this “viral” illness that I came down with either in August of 2008 or Fall of 2007 (I became extremely sick both times) has caused my thyroid to stop working and one thing after another (in my body) to shut down.

At any rate, I am concerned, and I am now thinking about what would happen if I died… ie, if what I have going on is serious, ie: cancer, a tumor, etc.  The cards that have continually popped out are standing out.  “Cards” aside, I have a health issue that is progressively getting worse and nobody knows what it is.  One agency — IGENIX — a top lyme-testing lab in Palo Alto, CA, has diagnosed me with chronic lyme disease and yet the CDC (Center for Disease Control), which we all know has too “low” standards, states that I only meet 3 out of 5 criteria for lyme and so I would technically not have it.  This in and of itself is a huge controversy within the lyme community.

Needless to say, I am thinking about existential matters.  On my way home tonight from NJ after having ran errands and bought groceries I pondered, “What are the 12 things I would like to do before I die?”  ie, if you found out you had 6 months to live, what would you do?  So it has me thinking… and I know that sounds depressing, but lets be prepared for the worst-case scenario.  What do I really have here?  My things — they mean nothing; they will parish when I do.  “What matters to me?”  Death really makes you contemplate.

I cannot help but wonder how many people have had near-death experiences that have changed their lives.  Will I have one?  I can’t tell you how many psychics I’ve been to — trusted ones (my family used to go to one — Ms. Nancy Bowman) who have told me I will have a “cancer” scare — and “scare” or not, that may involve surgery, death, etc.  At any rate, it makes you think — “What is ‘life’ (this thing I have not even begun to fully experience) all about?”  “What will/would I like to do if I was going to die in 6 months and knew it?”  “What things would (will) I have experienced?”

My first thought, or one of my first thoughts was “I wish I had money (I don’t have any savings or inheritance, what can I say?) I would give it to Ashley and to Jen’s little brother, Jessy.”  I say this not because I think money has worth, but because I believe that it can get people somewhere — it can provide opportunity.  I want to see little Jessy go to college; I have desired that from him since I first saw him, because he deserves it.  At any rate, I do not have money, so what can I give?  That brings me to say “What would I do?” ie, listing 10-12 things before my life runs out.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

How often and how many of us really think about this?  At any minute any of us could come down with a terminal illness — what are the things (journal) that would want to do given your 6 months to live?

I had told Erin tonight that I would be happy just knowing that I have discovered my purpose – do you know how rare and precious of a gift that is, especially for someone my age?  My purpose is to Serve — to be a vessel, a catalyst for others — to create opportunity and prosperity.  I am interested in providing for myself, my future family, and the community — providing financial and educational opportunities.  Maybe I would have never had a chance to live out that dream; however, I am grateful for having had the clarity to discover the purpose.

I discovered my purpose while in Vermont, which was the best (most life-enhancing) experience of my life.  It really opened my eyes up, and I am thankful (gracious) to have experienced it.  I met some wonderful people and for the first time in my life can say that I discovered “family.”  We choose our family.  Anothe thing, I discovered I had choice in Vermont, and I also found (for the most part) my Voice.  I was able to express myself there for perhaps the first time and was encouraged to express myself and develop my potential.  People (the community) supported me — my interests, well-being, etc.

I will have to think about how to answer this question.  10 things

March 13th, 2011. “Down Poison” by 3 Doors Down.


“Down Poison” -3 Doors Down.

I’ve dreamed about this,
Sixteen days away
Now you’re here,
And my head lays besides your body,
Pillowed under mine
You were poison,
Spinning round my mind
Welcome to my world
She said, do you feel
Alive she said
It’s all a bad dream,
Spinning in your lonely head,
Welcome to my world,
She said, separated world,
She said, separated,
Down poison,
Down poison,
Body withered,
Body died,
Time to take away this life
Bad enough to die from one,
Not to mention
Four or five
Welcome to my world
She said, do you feel alive she said
It’s all a bad dream,
Spinning in your lonely head
Welcome to my world she said,
Separated world,
She stayed separated
Down poison, down poison
Down poison, down
You weren’t there for me, I was there for you
You weren’t there for me, I was there for you
You weren’t there for me, I was there for you
You weren’t there for me, I was there for you
You wouldn’t die for me, I’ve died for you
You wouldn’t die for me, I’ve died for you
You wouldn’t die for me, I’ve already died for you
You wouldn’t die, you wouldn’t die, you wouldn’t die!
Welcome to my world she said, do
you feel alive she said
It’s all a bad dream,
Spinning in your lonely head
Welcome to my world she said,
Separated world, she stayed separated
Down poison, down poison
Down poison, down.

June 11th, 2010; Types of Grief.


I found this thread:  http://forum.psychlinks.ca/grief-and-bereavement/21086-types-of-unresolved-or-complicated-grief.html online when googling “Complicated grief and addiction,” and I emailed the publisher (David Baxter) in hopes of finding some relief and coming to terms with the grief that I am experiencing…

I actually wrote the individual and stated:

David,Thank God I found you and your informational thread…

Direct link:  http://forum.psychlinks.ca/grief-and-bereavement/21086-types-of-unresolved-or-complicated-grief.html

I am wondering if you can quickly tell me what kind of grief reaction I am experiencing?

I am a 26 year-old female, and I lost my father when I was 18, 19 years old… my father was my protector… I grew up with him… we lived in a house together.  He protected me (the best he could) from my abusive mother who I still had to go see… Anyway, he died unexpectedly one night of a massive heart attack, and I found him the next morning in our home in his bed on my way to go pick up my partner from school.


When the ambulance was there and the medical examiner, the family, etc. my abusive mother shamed me and yelled at me in front of these people while I was staring at my dad when I asked why there was “wet stuff” in dad’s bed (that’s where he died).  I may have been 18 or 19, but I didn’t know that when a person dies they excrete fluids… and she yelled at me in front of everyone –strangers, etc. and said to me loudly something along the lines of “Oh my god, you don’t ask that kind of stuff…”

Anyway, it was toxic shame, and she said something else to me that made me feel really embarrassed… You have to understand, I was traumatized.

Anyway, ever since my father died I have found myself in very unhealthy toxic relationships… I have developed codependency and codependent behaviors/patterns and the relationships have gotten worse… I first started finding myself with alcoholics, then mentally ill people mixed with drug abusers.  Additionally, I feel this unusual, intense sense of responsibility and unwarranted guilt.

In terms of my father and his death… I did not grieve him.  I have literally cried maybe 3 times since 2003 when he died… I do not understand what is going on.  I do not know why I can’t grieve.  I was close with my father… and as I said, he was my protector.

Nevertheless, I want to understand why I have clung to unhealthy relationships and developed codependent, clinging behaviors and stay in these unhealthy relationships (some very abusive) out of guilt and an unusual sense of responsibility.  I attribute this to be somehow linked to my father’s death.

By the way, I do not use drugs/alcohol/food, etc. nor am I self-harming… I only stay in these unhealthy relationships which I have just recently realized have only served to distract me from the immense grief.

Based off this information, can you please tell me what kind(s) of grief I am experiencing?

The desire to understand…  I would really like to understand the type of grief I am experiencing and why I haven’t been able to grief properly… ie, is it because I have been in relationship after relationship as an escape?  I did not turn to substance, but I did turn to relationships… is this what’s blocking me from experiencing grief?  I may or may not know until I am single and alone for a while… I could just experiencing absent or delayed grief for some unknown reason.

Types of Unresolved or Complicated Grief

Types of Unresolved/Complicated Grief
by David Baxter
Monday, December 14th, 2009

Historically, researchers have argued that complicated grief is an expression of a major depressive disorder or an anxiety-based disorder that has been triggered by a specific loss.

More recently, researchers have concluded that grief symptoms only partially overlap with symptoms of depression and other DSM-IV-TR categories, such as anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder, and that although there may be some expected shared variance, complicated grief reactions do display sufficiently unique variance to warrant separate consideration (Kristjanson, Lobb, Aoun & Monterosso, 2006).

Absent grief is characterised by the bereaved acting as though nothing has happened. The bereaved show no feelings of grief or mourning and become detached from reality as if the death never occurred. Emotional numbness is common with this form of grief. Maladaptive behaviour is also common but often the bereaved is unable to associate such maladaptive behaviours with the loss experienced.

Delayed grief may result from pressing responsibilities (e.g. funeral arrangements) that the mourner needs to attend to, resulting in postponed grief that may last for years. An experience of grief may eventually be triggered by another loss or an event related to the original loss.

Inhibited grief involves inhibition of the normal behaviours that are associated with grief. Those who do not allow themselves to experience the pain of grief directly may develop some kind of somatic complaints or illness. It is common in this form of grief for the mourner to choose mourning some aspect of the deceased and not the other, for example, the positive aspects and not the negative ones. Like absent grief, this form of grief also encompasses maladaptive behaviour that the bereaved will usually be unaware of or not attribute it to their grief response.

Conflicted grief involves an exaggeration of one or more behaviours commonly displayed in normal grief while other aspects of the grief is suppressed. This form of grief is often characterized by extreme anger and guilt. Exaggerated anxiety manifested in panic attacks is also common. Substance abuse problems may also arise or existing problems may be exacerbated. The conflicted grief pattern can become quite prolonged and is normally associated with dependent or ambivalent attachment to the deceased.

Chronic grief involves the mourner exhibiting intense grief reactions that are common in the early stages of grief but continue long after the loss has occurred. There is little or no progress and mourning fails to come to any conclusion. The bereaved seems to keep the deceased alive with their mourning. This form of grief is maintained by feelings of insecurity and insecure attachment to the deceased.

The bereaved feels that they have sustained a loss of an irreplaceable relationship. With regard to this type of grief, the therapist needs to identify those aspects of grief that are not resolved and intervention would then need to focus on the resolution of this (Williamson & Shneidman, 1995; Freeman, 2005; Worden 2005).

Unanticipated grief, as the name suggests, is grief that results from unexpected sudden death. This form of grief is said to be disruptive to the bereaved and will often involve a complicated recovery. This form of grief entails great difficulty in accepting the loss that is accompanied by overwhelming feelings.

The adaptive capabilities of the bereaved can be seriously damaged in the context of an unexpected and sudden death, resulting in their inability to function normally in any area of their life. Although the grieving person can intellectually recognize the death, they will often have great difficulty in accepting the loss due to it being so sudden and so unexpected. In this situation grief symptoms will tend to continue on much longer than normal grief reactions.

Abbreviated grief is typically a short lived but normal form of grief. This is often mistaken for unresolved grief. The grief process is shortened or abbreviated commonly because the attachment figure or lost person is immediately replaced (e.g., remarrying immediately after the spouse dies) or there has been little or no attachment to the deceased.

At times abbreviated grief occurs due to anticipatory grief whereby an individual embarks on the grieving process prior to the actual loss occurring. This results in a much shorter grief after the actual death.

The problem with abbreviated grief is that the bereaved may show very little sense of discomfort as negative feelings can be blocked away by denying themselves the opportunity to experience normal grieving process at the time of loss. This type of grief can manifest in the future.

In every form of complicated grief, the bereaved tries to deny or avoid aspects of the loss and the full realisation of what the loss means to them. The tendency to hold on to and avoid giving up the loved one is also a common factor in complicated grief.