Reflecting on experiences…


When I look at pictures of my life, I think about how much of my life she has missed out on…

College days

I also believe in a large element of fate… I think that things happen when you let them… when you surrender (I know, this sounds like an abstract idea) what’s supposed to happen happens.  Sometimes allowing yourself to let go of an outcome can be very difficult.  I think we all want to control things in our lives to a certain degree, some more than others; for me, it’s very hard to surrender, but when I do, it’s a beautiful thing…

 

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My birthday… so far sucks.


I am feeling kind of depressed now and am trying to keep my spirits up.  Today is my birthday and hasn’t been a good day.  The day started off with being rejected for health services.  Erin and I both went to get prescription refills and blood work and were told that we don’t “qualify” for the free clinic because we do not have aids, high blood pressure, heart problems, etc.  Supposedly in Indiana free aid does not exist.

I am shocked because on the east coast, both in Vermont (especially) and Philadelphia health care is virtually free… at least at clinics.  I am shocked to find out that I can’t get ANY help here.  I also don’t qualify for health insurance because I am not “pregnant” with children.  Can you believe that?!  It has to be a joke… this state is backwards.

Anyway, I am irritated also because nobody has said “Happy Birthday” to me… literally 1 friend text messaged me “Happy Birthday” and the only reason he likely remembered it is because his is tomorrow!  We are literally 13 minutes apart.  And 5 random acquaintances on Facebook said Happy Birthday, yet nobody else.  …and yet people receive pages upon pages on Facebook all the time – and I get 5!

My family (this story is not new unfortunately, but gets worse and worse every year) did not even say Happy Birthday until 3 o’clock today.  My sister, then my brother an hour or so later, and then my mom last but not least… heck, my own dad (biological) did not say Happy Birthday.

So today is depressing.  I am really trying to keep my spirits up, but I am having a hard time.  I don’t understand why more people would not reach out to me and say Happy Birthday… yet, I am serious, some (many – like 90% of my friends) people get PAGES upon PAGES of birthday wishes.

I don’t understand why I’m not that special and/or important to anyone… even Ashley didn’t say Happy Birthday to me, or Katherine who recently dumped Erin and I off for no apparent reason… along with our friend Jonathan who is dating a loser who’s abusive and a control freak.  Anyway, yeah, so we are basically without any friends right now.

I mean, we have friends I guess… middle/middle-upper class people who are pretty cool and nice, but they (like everyone else) are flaky in terms of reliability, and I hate that.  I can’t seem to find any good, decent people around here… and honestly, it isn’t just “here;” it was Philadelphia, too… Vermont honestly was the only place that I never got dumped off, and I mean that.  I am not idealizing Vermont; people had different ethics and values there.  And they valued time and friendship.

I just feel so lost right now… maybe “lost” isn’t the word.  Lonely, perhaps?  I am surrounded by stuff… an entire apartment, and what I want are friends.  I am sad right now.  No amount of “money” in the world, little or a lot, can change that… that need for connection.  I just don’t understand what it is I’m doing so wrong on a fate-level that would make/attract this into my life… this alienation.

Anyway, sorry to be so negative on my birthday, but that’s kind of how the day started out when I went to go for my blood work to see if the lyme disease is officially gone and had a door (metaphorically) shut in my face.  No assistance.

The Truth


She’s not going to understand because she’s too caught up with herself.  I need to be much more selective about the people that I let into my life.  I need to stick to what I know is important and dependability is definitely one of them.  It’s about maturity.

March 17th, 2011. Determined to carry out vision.


I have a vision for myself and my family, and I am determined to work tirelessly to achieve the vision, with the grace of God.

I want to create opportunity, and am motivated to do it! The vision will carry me…

Self-sufficient and self-employed. Able to travel. Educational and cultural experiences. Well-developed values. Personal and social change. Successful integration.

March 12th, 2011. Bags, a way out, to leave this place.


While in my room today packing my backpack for a day out today, I thought to myself:

“This situation is not favorable and very unhealthy, and I have to find a way to pack my bags…”

I’m sitting right in this middle of this “shit.”  This is excess baggage, and I want out.  The truth is, I am too good for this, yet I am tolerating it.

I am allowing my past to dominate me, and I no longer want to let it control me.  Action needs to follow.  A plan needs to be developed.  I clearly need to rescue myself.

We teach others how to treat us.

This is not acceptable behavior and I need to learn to respect myself more and move myself into action.