Journal entry 9/10/12 6:45AM


Journal entry 9/10/12 6:45AM


When she gets up, I get up because my mind won’t stop going (obsessing, PTSD) like a movie on replay. I, even in my own body, am triggered and flooded with flashbacks of things – earlier times, trauma, etc., where I trusted her, like my father trusted my unstable mother and she failed to meet his needs and live up to her own expectations (she was out sleeping with other men).

The traumatic cycle is no fun, and it will keep you up at night, and can keep you from falling back asleep… It’s insanity – the PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder), like when a war victim arises in a dead sleep in the middle of the night unable to go back to sleep, flooded with fear… this is how I feel.

Every time she gets up in the morning, I feel defeated by my own thoughts, which at this point, I can’t seem to turn off. I am not “crazy,” as my sick mother likes to project onto me, in my obsessing (flashbacks), I am traumatized.

 

What’s worse is nothing numbs the pain, and I just long for a “normal” lifestyle. I just want to live a normal lifestyle and not hurt all the time.

Every time she acts out, it just adds another layer to the cake. I have debated, when the pain gets bad enough, as a direct result of her selfish, cruel, impulsive, calculated actions, finding someone new, and while I may have tried this in the past, leaving my partner, it never worked, and I’d always come crawling back out of guilt (shame) and missing them… probably out of some false sense of security, but it (the pain, panic, longing, etc.) was nevertheless that real in that moment, beyond what you can truly imagine, beyond your wildness dreams.

I actually missed the very thing I walked away from so much that I caved and went right back to it.  It’s a never-ending cycle and hard to get away from. I actually had withdrawal when I left the last time and moved 8 hours away on my own. I moved back to the town where we had first met because that was the town I fell in love with and where I had lived before, and was having withdraw from just being there without her.

It didn’t get any easier because I didn’t have any support, because I’d pushed away (alienated) all of my support by constantly talking about our problems, ie: her acting out (cheating, raging, lying, porn, fantasy, lust, etc).  My friends dwindled throughout the sickness, and I felt myself further isolated.

Still, it’s hard for people to understand the effects of living with someone who’s sick unless they’ve been there themselves, and let me assure you, they haven’t.

Most people can’t understand why you’re in a relationship like this, even if you grew up with it, because they think you’re an “adult,” and don’t understand the dynamics of it.  You can just walk away like it’s a piece of cake.

It’s been my experience that many people act like it’s an “easy” solution and it’s not that easy when you’re in it. Then, you’re bound/prone to repeat the abusive/painful cycle with someone new without even realizing it.

Developing awareness can help, but it isn’t a safeguard, which is important when you’re suffering with PTSD, because all you want is to feel safe, in our case, emotionally; sometimes, physically, and the more “relationships” you’re in like this, the more cynical (distrusting) you become.

It’s also hard because when you finally get therapy, therapist’s because therapist’s generally overlook the fact that you have PTSD because you aren’t some typical classic war victim – shot in both legs and physically disabled, equally invalidating and counterproductive to healing.

Speaking of “invalidating,” I think many of us with PTSD, whether it’s a result of childhood abuse, a single traumatic incident, or relational trauma, need to be validated, because emotional support is crucial.

Either way, it should not be overlooked and a proper diagnosis of PTSD given and an appropriate treatment plan. Because you’re out of your mind if you think you’re going to get out of this alive, and on your own.

 

March 13th, 2011. Exhausted.


I am tired and exhausted and just want to sleep.  Erin and I were going to go to a coffee shop tonight, and I am too pooped.  Speaking of “coffee shops,” I want to explore other coffee shops in the area, as I am getting tired of the three that I’ve been to – Chapter House, Bean Cafe, and Starbucks.  I am even tired of Borders which is forever away and full of a bunch of homeless people and PC-users.

I am going to look up coffee shops here soon.  There has to be an intimate one in the area.  Chapter House is okay, but it’s crowded and modern and doesn’t really have the “bohemian” feel I am looking for.  “Bohemian” may not even be the word… it’s just too modern and too crowded and you get a lot of college students.  There are however plenty of mac users, which is good, but it’s all young college folks.

I miss the coffee shops in Burlington which are very down-to-earth, artsy, and intellectual.  I miss that feel.  They would have real local trees as their coffee tables and plants all around.  They would often have live music…. there was a very authentic feel.  I miss that… speaking of “Burlington,” I was going through my stuff today, putting stuff away, and I found the popular, tourist, cartoon-style map of Burlington from when we went on our trip a couple of weeks ago.  I was tempted to cut it out and put it on the wall but didn’t want anymore clutter on the wall.  I then thought of another idea:  Framing it!

I thought to myself, “I need to feel like I’m at home when I’m in recovery,” and so it occurred to me that I could frame it.  I haven’t framed it yet, but it’s just a passing thought.  I probably would have by now, but I am exhausted.  This is part of being ill; I am always tired.  Granted, I did not get proper sleep last night, which complicates matters, but over all, I am not as energetic as I would like to be.  Aside from lacking the energy, I am often in excruciating pain.  I always have pain behind my ears… where the bone and jaw meet.  It’s this dull, aching pain constantly… it often hurts so bad that I clench, both my hands and jaw, which then causes me a headache and eventually a migraine.

The ear/jaw bone pain is always there.  2 years ago I thought that by removing my wisdom teeth the pain would be eradicated but it didn’t make a difference; it remains.  This pain started when I was in a very stressful, abusive relationship back in the fall of 2007.  It has come and gone, but now it is pretty steady.  I want to put a hot packet on it constantly to soothe it, but it only works so well.

I am also super duper sensitive to the heat and cold and have major heat and cold intolerance.  When most people are wearing sweatshirts I am bundled up in a winter jacket, gloves, and a hat.  When people are warm, I am extremely hot and need the AC.  My eyes are also slightly yellow and “sick” looking — they have been this way since fall 2008 when I first became sick.  I get fevers, the sweats, tingling in my hands, face, and feet.  I am miserable.  I have increased anxiety, depression, insomnia…

My mouth is always dry like cotton mouth, and it doesn’t matter how much water I drink; it won’t quell my dry mouth.  I am constantly getting infections… especially in my fingers and nose.  I am sick, and this lyme bacteria is killing me.  The list goes on and is actually quite detailed.  I have been tracking my symptoms steadily for 3-months now using a tracker.  Granted, if I wanted to, I could go back through all of my old medical notes, but I barely have the energy to do that.

I want to get better, to feel better, and to be revitalized again.  I want my health back!

February 1st, 2011. Dr’s visit/Erin/Show tonight.


I went to the dr. today to get my blood drawn and they drew everything but the Lyme test.  The facility refused to use the Lyme kit I obtained from Igenix, a state-of-the-art Lyme facility, in Palo Alto, CA, stating that they do not typically send blood “elsewhere.”  I now have to try and go to another facility to get it tested and sent off.  Mind you, I am paying for this test privately because insurance does not cover it.  The test is very specific and has to be performed on a Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday due to its contents needed arrival time at the facility.

On my walk back home, I recorded my thoughts…

“I’m so tired of life and this situation and it just seems so unreal.”
“There isn’t much left for me –Erin is moving on, and I just seem to be falling behind…”
“I came here with the intent to find work prospects, and it’s just ended in disaster.”
“I don’t feel much of anything, and things just seem unreal…”
“People are out working hard, and I just feel like I’m falling by the wayside.”
“Colors are bright; noises are bright.”
“At times it feels like it’s all a dream, and I’m going to wake up, and reality is going to hit me…”
“I know that it’s real, but it seems baffling, and I wonder how the hell did I get myself in this situation.”
“There is little left and colors just seem to fade.”
“I am going out tonight, and I am not even excited.  Life seems to have lost its shine.”
“I am ready to feel something, not nothing.”
“The world looks so decadent.”
“I see people that live passionately, and I envy that, and I want it; it’s good to see it, but it just reminds me of where I am now, and how I don’t have it.”
“I can’t possibly know what’s best for me when I’ve fallen this low.”
“I’m tired of feeling this way –so down and out… life is meant to be enjoyed, not despised.”
“I’m tired of hiding in the shadows; I want to say I’m “finished” with my past, but the reality is, it will keep coming up, and I just have to work through it.”
“The only way out is “through,” and I will just keep on plugging.”
“Why do we try so hard to make our lives perfect; I know for myself I learned “perfectionism” very early on… the fact is, life is not perfect.  Perfection only leads to failure.”
“I’m tired of living some mediocre life.”
“I would like to re-capture my essence and be resurrected.”

I think it is apparent that I am depressed.  Like, right now for instance, I am exhausted, and I just want to sleep… but I know that if I sleep I might be groggy for the rest of the evening.  I am supposed to be going out tonight to a Soul Harvest –an open mic/poetry event.  I’m going with a “Sister’s” meetup group here in Philadelphia that promotes sisterhood.  We’re all going out to eat beforehand.  I am exhausted though and just want to sleep… I am excited to go, but tired and depressed.  Erin has been gone all day at a training so that she can become “serve safe;” it is required by her employer.  By the time she gets home I will be leaving to go to the event and will not return until late.

I am depressed and annoyed that Erin has more fun with other people than me, yet she has not even tried to have fun with me.  I am still so angry at the relationship… at the fact that she pursued me until she “got” me and once she had me she became a self-absorbed prick –porn-ridden and fantasy-obsessed.  Do you know how much of a slap in the face this was?  Imagine it still being because the heart has not mended.  It’s just like grief, only it’s prolonged, and it’s making me sick… I want to get away, yet I don’t, because I want to “fix” things.  I hate that my “fixing” instincts are coming into play… I don’t want them to.  I just want to walk away from her.  My instincts apparently are stronger than my own self-control.

I know that I cannot make this relationship okay, and the simple truth is, is that it’s not okay and it may never be.  Why do I spend my life trying to “fix” things?  One cannot fix what’s broken… it would seem that only time, growth, and healing can do that.  I do not see myself healing anytime soon because I am, for whatever reason, too afraid to leave this situation behind.  Why is it so difficult to walk away?  I am going to end up having to be forced to walk away because I cannot pull myself to do it because of the perceived failure.  I was in this situation once before when I went back to Vermont for two months back in August, and I am in it again, only this time it’s due to my own free-will, or unresolved grief, whereas before it was because Erin was trying to retain some power-trip.

Anyway, she has time for everything but me and has little desire to spend time with me… such a 180 compared to when we first started dating up until I said, “Yes” to her marriage proposal.  And yes, that was very premature on my part, and no, I did not end up marrying her –thank God!  She is a sucker and would have bled me dry.  At any rate, I cannot “keep” her as far as I can throw her.  It is hard enough being in this situation and being unable to let go when I am constantly reminded of things that have happened and been unresolved.  Things keep happening with Erin, and I am triggered all over again.

It is so sad to know that nothing I do can change anything… no single action, no series of multiple actions… I also need to remind myself that I did not do anything wrong except maybe “enable” by staying too long.  I should have left the moment I saw the first red flag.  I didn’t however, and now I am finding myself with someone very lousy, unable to even be a decent person (honesty, respect, communication, accountability, and dependability) and I am too stupid to walk away and would rather hold out on the empty “promises.”  ie, “Emily, I will follow-through; I won’t yell and rant, etc.”  It’s all a joke, and yet I still hope for it and hold onto it because it’s the only way to make living here together remotely “manageable.”

I feel like a fucking object because I was pursued and then just dropped like a hat.  Erin has some major problems, and I’m not sure what that says about me other than I must have some serious self-esteem issues and “need to be needed” for me to continue putting up with this behavior.  Honestly, what does that say about me?  I should just start telling myself and actually trying to believe it that Erin does not deserve me, because the fact is, she doesn’t.  She is a coward (literally) and manipulative.  Me needing/wanting to feel special should not be enough of a silly “reason” to stay… I think once I start treating myself with respect, ie: walking away from unhealthy people and making better, wiser choices for myself, I will start attracting respect.

What this says to me is “door!”  I need to somehow head for the door and stop deluding myself into believing that she will “come around.”  I am not wanting some magical cure… I am not idealizing her.  I am not trying to “change” her, either.  I am not telling her that she can’t do things.  I am simply wanting, demanding honesty, respect, communication, accountability, and commitment (to self) and she refuses to be able to deliver.  If I wasn’t living here then I would say the “hell” with her, and I would have cut her off by now, but while living here, I am trying to make the most out of the situation.

Nevertheless, all of this self-denial will exhaust a person, and I am beyond that point.  I am going to lay down now and close my eyes I think… I just want the hours to pass… I just hope that I am still in the mood to go tonight… I really have no interest in anything except for sleep.  I enjoy dreaming.