Encounter with Ashley – I predicted it – Friday the 13th!


So it would be worth mentioning that I ran into Ashley last night at an art walk.  I had predicated, while working at the Mosey last month, (literally) that I would meet her at one of these “art” events, and sure enough, she was there!  I was actually referred to the event via another ENFJ, Beth, whom Barbara (last name), (INFJ), had introduced me to.
Anyway, Erin and I had looked at all the art galleries and were sitting in front of a tattoo shop in a couple of brightly colored chairs just people watching because we weren’t ready to leave yet, and sure enough, when I turned my head to the left I saw Ashley, with her boyfriend.  I immediately freaked out and said “OMG,” and flew out my chair while yelling to Erin, “LETS GO” and starting walking.  We started walking and turned into the first art gallery on our right, the first one we actually went to (Name of gallery).  I was completely okay until I saw Ashley and Jared looking into the window at a woman glass blowing beads.  It turned out that “woman” was Jared’s mother!  (I would later be introduced to her).

So Erin and I just kind of walked around in this art gallery, and almost immediately, when I realized that Ashley and her boyfriend were hanging outside of the shop and looking in I got weak in the knees… like never before… I honestly did not know that phenomenon actually existed, but I can attest to it first-hand.  Like, I was so weak in the knees you would have thought I was having a seizure.  I was afraid that other people could see.  Like, my legs were shaking badly.  I was… really nervous?  Like, the feeling that you would feel before getting up on a stage.  I was also wearing loafer-like low-heel square dress shoes because it went well with my outfit, and I wanted to stand out.

I am tempted to upload a picture of what I was wearing last night, but I’ll pass lol… I don’t feel like digging out the camera… I wore my shiny 1970’s flare/bootcut pants from France, a white short sleeve cotton polo with a brown t-shirt over the top, my square low-heeled business shoes, and my aviator sunglasses, which by the way, I did not take off!  I debated it and wanted to take off my glasses, but thought I was already bad enough looking weak at the knees and didn’t want to draw anymore attention my way.

Anyway, so she and Jared eventually came inside, and Erin and I just sat there swarming around, walking in circles, and I said, “What should I do??”  Ashley and Jared were now inside, I thought.  They stood still for a moment and started talking to some guy, an older gentleman.  I debated in my head whether or not I should say something to her… attempt to initiate a conversation… because I am not one to let a “moment” pass by.  I decided I would and needed to, otherwise I would regret it.  In the back of my mind, I had a nagging desire to understand why she cut me off – of course I did not address this (Update: 12/22/12-  I should have).

But I did in fact go up to her.  I actually gently, lightly tapped her on the shoulder/lower arm (she was wearing a purple dress).  I said something to her like “Hey Ashley, how have you been?”  She said she had just gotten back from a flight to and from AZ I believe? …for a “training,” for work.  I thought to myself, “Yup, that’s COMPLETELY Ashley!”  ie, work, trainings, etc.  I giggled inside.  I smiled.  I think Jared may have gone with her, but I am not sure…

Speaking of “Jared…”  I was introduced to him, and his father.  I believe (yes, I am pretty sure), Ashley introduced me to Jared’s father first, introducing me as her “friend” – to each his own, whatever suits her (Update: 12/22/12, ha).  I respected it, her anonymity – in fact, I continued to respect it the remainder of the night.  We would end up having two exchanges this night.

After introducing me to Jared’s father, she, after some time of small-talk, introduced me to Jared.  Prior to that, she said to Erin, “Oh, I’ve heard a lot about you.”  I was thinking to myself, “Just because you have heard a ‘lot’ about her does not mean I want to be with her (long story, and one I wish not to post on here).”  At any rate, Ashley was purposely very emotionally distant, clearly putting on a “poker” face… she had a “filter,” or image/forcibly facade up to cover up the fact that she may have been gay in the past.

It was evident that Jared (this shocked me) didn’t have any idea that we had been together

After the event, Erin asked me if Ashley gave me any “clues” as to whether she may still have feelings for me, or whether there was something “there.”  I only remember one incident with eye contact that would possibly reveal that, but for the most part, she (and I) were keeping up a very good “image” of “nothing happened or occurred between us.”  I don’t know why Ashley has gone this route, or gone into the “closet,” but just because I “left” Indiana does/did not mean that I would never come back, and now here I am, having subliminally come back for her, and I think it’s a bit of a shock to her.

Ohhh, and there was a time after about 10 minutes of introductions that Erin and I walked away and out of the art gallery to go back and sit in our comfy chairs a block or two down the road in front of the hipster-like tattoo shop.  Erin and I talked at this time, and I kept saying that I felt “extremely awkward” and that I wanted to “make it right,” for myself – that I had made a fool of myself, and that I just needed to collect myself and go “back in there” and try and smooth things out.  She was very upset and visibly insecure and did not want to go back in there, at which point I was/became angry because of the jealousy (she cheats on people, yet when I want to go and talk to my former love, she gets upset, despite the fact that I have been fully faithful to her, our entire “relationship,”), and insisted that she go with me.

After 15 minutes of coaxing we went back, and sure enough, Ashley and Jared were still there.  This time they were over by the bead maker, Lisa, who happened to be Jared’s mother, whom Ashley introduced me to.  Erin was hanging around the snack bar again, eating, and was quite a ways back – she refused to come with me to obtain “closure.”  Frankly, I just wanted to “neutralize” the awkward feelings from the first encounter.  Her pouting irritated me, like the insistence on coming back in while I went in a second time, but I dealt with it and headed back over myself.

Ashley started talking about a certain bead, the “Star,” ironically my tarot card!  …and how it’s her “favorite.”  I actually said to her, somewhat rhetorically, “It’s your favorite?” and she said “YES,” and went on to tell me about how “intricate” the bead-making process is and how much “work” Lisa puts into making them.  She then gave me a brochure that was displayed in front of Lisa’s setup and said to check out the site, stating that Lisa is trying to make enough money to go to school out in California.  I would love to be able to support her, as well as her grandmother’s grave, who I still need to (and will) go visit. (Update: 12/22/12:   I thought her grave was on 9th street – apparently not.  I have located the correct graveyard and have printed out directions to it.  I will be going to see it before I move back to Vermont January 31st, 2013.  Guests – I am moving back to Vermont to get my healthcare up-to-date and rehabilitated and to begin my Master’s Degree.  Fortunately, the Master’s Degree is “low residency,” so I can live anywhere while enrolled.  I will be in Vermont only until I get my healthcare up-to-date, and then I will be traveling out to California somewhere or Ashland, OR.  There is an off-chance I might come back to Indiana IF Ashley gets a hold of me, but I won’t hold my breathe.  I need to pursue my dreams, and if “It’s meant to be, it’ll be,” as Ashley always said.  I would, however, move back to Indiana for her, in a heartbeat).

Anyway, I almost forgot, Erin and I told Ashley to come visit the “Mosey” tomorrow night.  To my surprise, she had never heard of it… I told her that I would be doing professional tarot readings and that Erin would be making home-made dog biscuits and that the two of us make “record – art” out of vinyls.  She laughed and said she’ll have to check it out, but it sounded like she may have had another event planned.  I also told her that I would be reading tarot tonight at Bombay Hookah, hosting an “event!”  We talked a little about tarot since that is what I happened to be doing at the time, and she said, “That does not surprise me.”  I thought to myself, “Yeah, I have always been weird…”  We could not get in the time I wanted… When I talked to her the second time we were literally sandwiched in-between Lisa (Jared’s mother) and Jared and his father, whose name I did not catch – I am horrible with names!

I honestly could only get in and remember about 1/2 (or more realistically, 3/4) of what she told me because I was so damn nervous that a lot of stuff just went in and out one ear.  But yeah… she actually told me where she worked!  Bank of America :)  I am not even sure if there is one in Lafayette.  I asked her how long she has lived here, or maybe when she started dating Jared?  She replied:  “December 31st,” which I don’t know which year… 2011, I would assume?   I just remember things “changed” between us when she was very rude to me on New Years Eve (I felt so alone at that time – things were happening with Erin – she was acting out, Michael had just blown me off) when Ashley didn’t care to show any interest in me, and acted distant and very cold via text message.  Mind you, 2 months prior to that, or over the summer, I can’t remember, was when she told me she met a guy “just like you” (like me) and how she “can’t get over it,” “how ‘similar’ we are,” etc.

If Ashley was referring to 2011, which is likely the case, she moved back to Lafayette and into our apartment complex (which for those who don’t already know, she – and her mother, do not live here anymore) right around when Erin and I moved in and signed a lease.  Yes, I had dreams of Ashley moving back… I also had dreams of her mother buying a house, and sure enough, within a few short months of our lease, she would.

At any rate, there was so much I wanted to catch up on, and we didn’t… couldn’t.  I remember leaving the event and thinking, “There’s so much I could have said… or that I still want to say.”  When I got home, I added Jared and his mother as friends on Facebook.  This felt a little strange, but I wanted to be “supportive” of Ashley and her new relationship.

Oh, and the tarot card for the “day” was the 3 of Wands… from the Vertigo deck, which is slightly different than the traditional.  But the card in the Vertigo Deck basically deals with divisions… between people-energies… it also represents power, and independence.  Further, it can represent “explorations, heroic action, possibly involving sacrifice.”  In the traditional deck, it means success and potential and deals with future success… future possibilities and an alarming success rate.  At any rate, I am not sure how it ties into the situation (most situations it makes sense); it may be that I’m just not supposed to know right now, but will find out later.

Anyway, Ashley and I also talked about school… I said, “So are you going to go to grad school for your Master’s Degree?”  She said yes, but not right now… maybe in a year or two.  I asked her where at, and she said she was interested in some school in Massachusetts- “What a coincidence, I have been considering Harvard,” I thought!  Then she mentioned “possibly IU.”  I said, “Bloomington?”  She said, “Yes.”  I said, “Yeah, that’s a good school, I have been there.”  I said, “But I think you will like Massachusetts better :)  I would encourage you to get out of Indiana :P

Anyway, I still cannot understand why she cut me off… and maybe I won’t for a while.  I honestly don’t even know if the Walsh’s will add me to Facebook… (Update:  12/22/12:  They actually all blocked me the very next day.  Can you say two-faced?  Shock?  Perhaps Ashley felt threatened that her “secret” – me, and her sexuality, might be revealed).   Who knows.  All I know is that it seems like a big secret that Ashley is gay… she doesn’t want anyone to know.  I respected it.  I still have my own opinions.  I miss her incredibly.

In the car, on the way home, Erin started crying (note, she never cries), saying she was “scared” of losing me, etc.  Like I said, and not to invalidate her, but she pushes away the people she claims to love and sabotages the relationship by cheating on the person and childish, manipulative, selfish things that are downright atrocious, so I can’t fully sympathize with her.  At any rate, I reassured her that I wasn’t going anywhere.  I will leave that up to fate to decide.  I do know that I want to see Ashley again… I miss her.  She was my first, and only, love.

Update:  At the Hookah Club, I heard a song that reminded me of Ashley and I and the situation… I have posted a few of the different versions below.  I haven’t determined my favorite one yet lol.  I am going to burn them all onto a disk and go from there, because music is always best judged when played in a car!  At any rate, here is one version:

A remix (one of several versions).  Can I say this to her?

The song, along with the other versions and some other songs, are all posted on my Facebook, and they are in order of “flow.”  The songs, if you listen to them on my Facebook and note the order, are ordered to go with the mood.  Anyway, I really miss her… and I wonder if she thinks about me.  I wonder if she is going to continue to run away from herself and her feelings and rekindling.

I would stay in Lafayette if she would come back into my life.  I want to be friends with her, and I have been wanting this since I arrived back here last year.  In fact, I think subconsciously, I largely, came back from the East Coast for her.

At any rate, we’ll see what happens.

February 17th, 2011. Ashley, correspondences and such.


I talked to Ashley today when I was at the mall with Erin looking at Macbook’s.  I texted  her afterwords while we were in the Disney store (Erin loves Disney).  I asked her if she received the package I sent her.  She replied, “I didn’t get a message… at least I don’t think I did.” I responded back, “Check the post office; it arrived and is waiting for you.  Call me and I can give you the tracking number.” I waited a few minutes and didn’t hear from her and so I called her.  She answered (I wasn’t sure if she was going to) and we started talking.

She asked me what the package is, and I told her it’s a “surprise” and she said something along the lines of, “You didn’t have to do that for me…” I said, “Well I promised you I would send you something, so I did.” She said that she has a lot of mail that she hasn’t checked yet and that the notice slip is probably in the pile and if it’s not she’ll get a hold of me tonight and let me know.

She asked me what I’ve been up to, and I told her about Korea and the possibility of teaching English.  To wrap things up, I said, “What do you think?”  She said something along the lines of, “I don’t know, I wouldn’t consider it for the long-term.”  She seemed open to the possibility but sounded like she needed more info, or who knows, maybe she is making good money where she’s working now and doesn’t have an interest in exploring other possibilities.  I asked her what she has been up to… she said things have been super hectic.  I said, “So I heard you might be moving to North Carolina?” She said something along the lines of “we’ll see.”  She said she had to go after about 5 minutes.  It was a nice and short conversation.

I have to be honest, I really care for Ashley, and I miss her a lot.  She has my best interest at heart.  I am sincere in my devotions.  I think about her safety, her well-being, her success, her life, her decisions, and choices, etc.  I want to know how she’s doing and be there for her every step of the way.  I have great respect for Ashley as a person; I think she has a lot of potential for success and is a good person.  I want what Ashley has, and I also in many ways want to be her complimentary figure.

I have been in the kitchen making food for the last 10 minutes or so and thinking about how I want to be Ashley’s “go to” man so-to-speak… the person she turns to for consolation.  When she’s sad or just wants to talk about life, I want to be that person.  The connection we have is rare, and I understand that resentment and distrust can put a wedge between us, but there isn’t anything I cannot work on and that we cannot overcome as a pair.  As I’ve said to all of my girlfriends, “I will be your support –your strong tower;” I mean that, and I especially, particularly extend that welcome to Ashley.

If given the chance to “do it all over” again, I would.  I don’t care if that sounds “crazy” or unrealistic, because I believe –fully, in the impossible.  I believe in certain things, and when a connection is sparked, that is something that I don’t let go of… not easily, and when I do, it’s because I know that it’s for the best.  But with Ashley, I know that I have changed, and I am sure that she has changed too, and I want to see where that goes… as friends…

If all we ever are are friends then so be it; I will accept it and be grateful, but I know for a fact that this is a friendship that I want in my life.  Friendships are few far and in-between, and I want something significant, rare, and special.

I texted her just a few minutes ago, now that I am home and am making organic pasta and veggies and eating a healthy meal and said, “I’m making pasta and broccoli right now So good.  Look, I know that I haven’t been someone you’ve wanted to talk to and your favorite person, but I’m here for you and I care about you.  I have a lot of respect for your, Ashley, and I want good people in my life… People with good heart’s, like yourself, and a good head on their shoulders.”  I said, “I’d like you to reach out to me.  I know I wasn’t always the best person when you knew me, but I have changed.”

I ended the text like that, although now that it’s over with, I am wishing that I had said more, as the thought seems (feels) unfinished.  Maybe something like, “I know I wasn’t always the best person when you knew me, but I have changed, and I sincerely mean that,” etc.  Oh well.  She has not responded, nor did she respond to the two single texts I sent her after our conversation saying, “It was good hearing from you, thank you for picking up.”  “I’d like to hear about how you’re doing.” I have always said, in recent weeks, that if Ashley does not reach out to me soon then I am going to completely back off for my own well being.  It hurts me when she does not respond like this, and I have no clue –no indicator showing that she is not interested in talking to me via communication.

Ashley has always been someone to communicate, and so it honestly blows my mind that she has not spoken to me directly her wants/needs –her feelings, rather.  What is she doing, I ask?  I mean, I understand if someone is busy in their life, but at least let someone know that it’s not them and that you care about them.  I feel like I’m hanging with her… emotionally.  I just feel like I don’t know what’s going on, like I’ve been left in the dark.  It’s not even about me being desperate or longing, etc. but about me simply knowing what’s going on in my emotional affairs.

We all grow up and things change, but I am somebody, who in many ways, doesn’t change my very core attributes and basic makeup.  My sincerity and devotion rather.  My character has changed, as in I have grown up and matured, but my heart always stays the same.  The song, “Straight from the heart” by Bryan Adams just came to mind.  I do not lie, and I am very sincere, and I honestly pride myself on that.  I pride myself on being so emotionally revealing, and I look for that in all of my affairs.  I look for someone else with the same sensitivity, authenticity, and expressiveness.

One could argue that I am “hung up” on my ex.  For clarification-sake, Ashley is not my “ex,” and I promised her a long time ago that I would never call her that, and I have not.  I have followed-through with that simple request, which at time time seemed “trivial,” but that I now understand through growth and maturity.  I am caught up on the fact that we were close friends first and we had compatibility… in interests then, and now both values and interests.  Ashley does not know me now because she has not taken the time… she has not seen, ie: witnessed (like Jen has beautiful put it, leaving a thoughtful note on my windshield one day: “We all need a witness to our lives”).

Ashley has not witnessed my life for only but brief moments because she has turned her eyes and back away in many ways… I believe this to be related to resentment.  She is resentful for things that have happened, and have never healed from it (bless her heart) and as a result closed herself off to receiving.  How much longer can one hold onto something before it takes them and another a part?  I mean, I understand that with Erin and I for instance there is a ton of resentment, but she keeps on hurting me!  Erin keeps on lying, etc. but I have 100% completely changed as a person.  It is rare, like 10%, that someone changes… but I did because I realized I had a good thing.

Losing Ashley opened up my eyes… it had a profound effect on me, more than my own father’s death.  Ashley was there for me emotionally and physically.  She was a beautiful woman in my life, someone who cared about me and was sincere, and I was too underdeveloped to appreciate it.  I had unresolved grief.  You better believe that if I could take those moments back I would, and I would treat her via actions like she deserved.  I want nothing more than for Ashley to listen to me these days… by simply witnessing my life and showing a sincere interest in it.

If she’s stressed out then she can turn to me.  I understand that trust was severed, but I am a changed person and yet she has a wall, a wedge, even if invisible, placed between us, and I can feel it.  And I just keep on saying, “I want the person back that I knew…” I will say to myself, “I want my Ashley…” I want the person who saw me and cared for me and gave me that special attention.  She communicated to me how she felt, and she showed me… and I gave her little because I was quite simply young and immature.  I did not have the character that I do now.

Have you ever seen a movie about a man who started out as a boy, maybe even immature, and maybe he even got himself into trouble often in his youth, etc. but who grew up and was a leader?  He developed himself; life, experiences built him, shaping him.  I am shaped… but right now I am like a castle metaphorically-speaking, because I have walls up.  I too, like Ashley, have been hurt… bad.  I have received my fair share.  I am over with it, in my mind.  I want to move on, but I am stuck.  I am stuck so bad, and I just want some help, and I want a friend, someone who is trustworthy, warm, and sincere –who I can trust, to help me out.  What better person could there be than Ashley?

I understand she’s busy with her life, and that (my belief) that resentment is keeping us apart, and soon I will have to distance myself from her (not get or be “over” her, but just put her in the back of my mind) because it’s hurting me waiting for something that may or may not ever come, but in my mind it’s beginning to become an “I’m all alone in this life” mentality, and I don’t want that.  I remember a song that Ashley and I used to listen to, and it was called something like “Us against the world” and the title pretty much speaks for itself… but that “us” –that couple was Ashley and I, and we were a strong tower.  I don’t want to be on my own in that kind of way… not anymore, not now, now somehow.  I am tired of being alone emotionally… I have been alone for far too long.

The last time that I was emotionally engaged and connected was in 2006, and that was with Jen, and that wasn’t the healthiest relationship.  It has been that long (no exaggeration) since I have connected with someone.  I am not sure if it’s just because I am introverted and only connect with certain folks or because not a lot of folks have highly developed values, and moreover, live out those values, or because I have been isolated and in highly destructive relationships, but the point is, I’ve been “cold,” ie: on the outside for far too long.  I am hurting.

I need an ounce… a piece of bread… anything to help feed me, or rather match me (pair) emotionally.  I need to “dethaw” so-to-speak, for my shoulders to come down… to not always feel the need to carry this burden… this false, overdeveloped-sense of responsibility.  I need someone I can just jive with… go out with… connect with… have fun…. Humor.  I miss kayaking… camping… going to poetry… seeing open mic… concerts… plays… it’s been years, and I am in no way, shape, or form exaggerating.  I just need a freaking friend –excuse my language.

The problem that I keep running into is that not everyone is sincere and not everyone has highly developed values, and most of all, not everyone “walks the —their talk.”  I’m trying to “walk my talk;” I honestly need a boost.  Again, I need a friend, someone emotionally centered/based but who’s stable, warm and supportive… and positive.  –Who I can laugh with, tell jokes with, be crazy with, outlandish, etc.  I have not been able to be “myself” in God knows how long… years –no exaggeration.  “I’m dying each and every second that you’re gone.” -?  This song just came to mind…

“Best I ever had” by State of Shock

Now I know I messed up bad
You were the best I ever had
I let you down in the worst way
It hurts me every single day
I’m dying to let you know

Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
Cause when it all comes down to the end
I could sure use a friend

So many things I would take back
You were the best I ever had
I don’t blame you for hating me
I didn’t mean to make you leave

You and I were living like a love song
I feel so bad, I feel so bad that you’re gone
Now I know you’re the only one that I want
I want you back, I want you

Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
Cause when it all comes down to the end
I could sure use a friend
Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
All I want to do is make it up to you
Cause when it all comes down to the end
You were the best I ever had

We fell in love for a reason
Now you’re leaving
And I just want you back
So many things we believed in
Now you’re leaving and words won’t bring you back
I’ll never let go of the heart I broke

You and I were living like a love song
Now I know you’re the only one that I want
I want you back, I want you

Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
All I want to do is make it up to you
Cause when it all comes down to the end
I could sure use a friend
Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
All I want to do is make it up to you
Cause when it all comes down to the end
You were the best I ever had

I can’t believe that I threw away all our dreams
I can’t believe now that you’re gone how much you mean to me
I feel so bad, I feel so bad
You were the best I ever had
I can’t believe that I threw away all our dreams
I can’t believe now that you’re gone how much you mean to me
I feel so bad, I feel so bad
You were,
You were the best I ever had

The other day the part of the song that says, “You and I were living like a love song
I feel so bad, I feel so bad that you’re gone…” was running through my head nonstop out of nowhere.  I have dreams of this woman… I have woken up screaming her name before.  Before you call it “crazy” and/or judge and label it, lets just look at it simply… as grief maybe… as someone (myself) who lost a friend, someone that really mattered to them and their body –their mind, body, and soul is longing to be with this person…

I am listening to the song now because I wanted a refresher, and it’s making me sad… and I am really serious about stepping back.  It will hurt me more than anything, but it can’t be worse than not being responded to… basically ignored.  I know that she’s a busy person and has a lot “going on,” but I need some responsiveness… some genuine communication.  In the meantime, I will continue building my character and growing, learning, and developing.

My goal is to be a life coach/trainer/educator/facilitator/writer/author/motivational speaker, and teacher.  I will get there, and I am fully on my way.  I am capable.  I am strong.  I am honest, and I am true. I have integrity.

February 12th, 2011. 2 Barriers: Now 1. The “Emotional.” Grief block.


I am livid right now.  I am sick and tired of Erin’s bulshit.  We got into a huge fight today because she would not send me her work schedule.  Now, before you sit here and think, “She is her own person and doesn’t have to send you her schedule,” or “She’s entitled to her privacy,” or “She’s not obligated to send you her schedule,” understand that Erin has betrayed my trust multiple times –flat out lied to me, and here is where it comes into play — listen closelyErin agreed to be honest with me about some things and she also agreed to share her schedule with me since she has lied multiple times about the hours in which she’s worked.  Granted, I had to pull a tooth and a nail for her to agree to this –to simply be honest, which I am greatly resentful for because I do not believe that it is, or should be, my responsibility to hold her accountable.

If someone is dishonest they should agree to be honest and follow-through with that agreement; if they choose to not follow-through, they are a coward.  Repeatedly, and quite honestly, I should not stay (this is where my problem comes into play, and that’s a whole other issue).  I am not saying this judgmentally, but quite simply, literally.  Look it up.

She has lied to me and has posed no solution to correct the behavior.  I have had to come up with solutions because she refuses to take responsibility for her actions.  So story goes like this… I come up with solutions; she agrees to follow them, and then bails.  I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and of holding her accountable because she refuses to take responsibility for her behavior.  I have, since I have known Erin, always said to her, “I wish someone would hold you on the ‘wall,'” and what I mean by this metaphor is that I wish someone would hold her accountable for her actions because she refuses.  After all, Erin (quote) “Does what I want when I want” -Erin S.  Her selfish behavior prevails and blows my mind.

The reason I have stayed, and I have said this before and will say it again is because I am living here with her and am trying to make the most out of this situation.  I am living here for two reasons:  1, financial, and 2, emotional (illusion).  Financially we have agreed to just be roommates, and 2.  There are still “hopes” (on my part; likely on hers, as well — in some realm) that things will work out.  I strongly detest interpersonal conflict and wish to have it resolved right away, so I am trying to make the situation right.  I cannot seem to accept the fact that things cannot and won’t change.  I seem to think “There’s always a way.” Well, the truth is, there may not always be a way, because there’s a time and place, but in my mind, there is, and I cannot seem to wrap my head around it or understand it any other way.

The result:  I keep on trying, similar to the card “2 of swords” in the tarot, which namely represents denial.  I am in strong denial here, and I sort of feel like I have to be (8 of swords) because I do not feel like I can afford to live anywhere else (except for Korea) and because my emotions are so incredibly involved and the thought of separating from Erin physically devastates me.  To say the least, I am involved in a highly codependent relationship and situation.  I am extremely bothered and know that I have options but am lacking the courage to act on them.  Between fearing that I cannot financially support myself and being extremely attached to Erin, I stay put.  I keep saying that if “X, Y, and Z” happen then I will leave…

The assumption is that “X, Y, and Z,” ie: another person, the lottery, inheritance, etc. would happen to me then these things would give me the strength to leave.  To  be honest, however, I am not sure that even an inheritance would help me to walk away from this situation because the emotions would still be attached.  So then there’s the “You could date someone else” response which my counselor actually suggested.  I keep on telling her that I do not feel like this is a viable option because I do not believe that it would be healthy.  I basically need to be (emotionally and physically) on my own.  Emotionally detached from Erin but obviously maintain (first form lol) friends and support, ie: coworkers, etc.

But my counselor keeps suggesting the idea of dating someone new.  At any rate, I do not think this would be a good idea.  Needless to say, the result ends up being that I stay locked in one place.  I bitch and complain to “Bobby,” “Rob,” and “Dorthy” (examples) and yet I stay stationary.  I sit here, and I honestly ask myself, “What is it going to take for me to move?” I have this amazing Korea opportunity which everyone seems to favor (not that their opinion truly matters in this situation because I am naturally actually starting to trust and use my own logic to think things through) but I am too scared to leave because of the emotions involved with Erin… so financial independence as an option aside, the problem now becomes the emotional ties.

It has not helped that Erin and I have been really close lately physically… remember, as long as I live here, or we live together, the “peace” will attempt to be created thus causing enmeshment, fighting, wishful thinking, etc. because in my mind that is the only option for living together; I need “peace.”  Erin and I have been spending a lot of time together the past few days and have been getting along exceptionally well.  At any rate, she tried to kiss me last night, and I actually went through with it.  Granted, it was just a little peck (no tongue) but I did not use my head like I normally would.  I think what ends up happening is that things will be really bad between us and then when things are good, I give in.  It would seem that the worse things are, that when she “throws me a biscuit” so-to-speak, I dive right in.

It’s this weird “cycle” that I can’t describe.  All I know is that it never changes, and I feel like a tire spinning in the mud.  I am clearly stuck like the song “Sick cycle carousel:” I posted on my blog about a year ago back in May or July.  So the solution is courage… and that is what I seem to lack.  Korea is always an opportunity… they hire year-around; however, I want to leave in March or April because that seems like a good “time” for me (I love the spring, and it’s a time of new beginnings and starts) but the emotions (attachment issues) with Erin are keeping me from acting.  I am somewhat happy that one part –the financial, is already taken care of, because now I just need to work on the emotional so that I can free myself of this mess.  The problem is I don’t know how I’m going to free myself of the emotional baggage except through someone else which is what my counselor has been suggesting.

I told Nadine that I do not think this is the “right” thing to do and she seems to disagree.  She keeps giving me the impression that if I find someone else with whom I am compatible, emphasizing the compatibility issue and further reinforcing the fact that Erin and I are not “compatible” –that has the qualities that I am looking for, ie: honesty, respect, communication, accountability, and commitment then it will be right.  “But…” I ask as well as say to myself… “…”  “What will I do about the grief with Erin?” Dating someone else is not just going to make it go away!  I want to say, “Don’t we have to alone with the grief?” ie, single and outside of a romantic relationship.  One could argue “yes;” another could argue “no.”  I mean, I guess we all have baggage that we carry around and we always will have baggage so/but I imagine we can’t just stay alone (single) forever, right?  …until we’re finally over each and every person and each and every incident in our lives?  See, this is where I am torn.

So yeah… if it’s presumed that the financial will be taken care of, ie: Korea, and the emotional is the only problem, how can I resolve and tackle this issue?  Another rebuttal counselor Nadine brought up when I indicated disapproval to the dating someone else idea was just spending a lot of time away from Erin, ie: in my bedroom, etc.  Honestly, that’s nice in theory, but I am not sure how feasible it is.  Whenever Erin and I are around each other in the house, I want to spend time with her, and yet whenever we are apart I am constantly worrying (for legit purposes) that she is out pursuing someone else, and it does not matter if we are not technically “together” or not because of the unresolved hurt which keeps me engaged in the cycle.  There is so much pain, attachment, and grief that it’s nearly impossible to move forward… I honestly think I am going to try and read more “grief” articles and articles on separation and divorce because this is what it feels like for me.  Apparently I do have serious attachment issues.

Quite frankly, I am sick and tired of wasting my life and potential being stuck in relationships that are unfulfilling and not what I want, ie: in line with my values (honesty, respect, communication, accountability, and commitment, and shared interests) yet I am not necessarily too “afraid” to physically leave here per se, especially now that I have an opportunity to go to Korea, but rather, have zero clue about how to get past the emotional piece… the grief.  I honestly feel like my emotions are/have gotten the “best” so-to-speak of me, and this is honestly where and why I wish that Ashley was in my life right now as a best friend… honestly, any beautiful woman who’s intelligent and encouraging because I think it would inspire me.  I just need someone who I see these beautiful traits (honesty, respect, communication, accountability, and commitment) in so that I can know it’s “out” there and then begin to move forward.

Am I going about this backwards?  I can’t think of any other solutions… it is pretty laid out… I am fortune enough to have this opportunity in Korea where the financial piece is taken care of, but the emotional is proving challenging.  It would seem the solutions are pretty simply laid out:  1.  Spend time away from Erin physically or 2.  Date someone else.  1 is extremely hard for me and 2 would seem and feel wrong.  I often feel like Erin starts fights or gets upset with me to have “reason” to emotionally and physically be away from me.  She literally will get to close to me and things will be going “well” –whatever that means, and then the next thing I know, she’s pushing away, furthermore engaging in this push/pull cycle.

I hate that Erin is not honest.  I hate that she makes false, empty promises that she cannot keep.  I hate that I am in this situation because I, in many ways, do not feel that I have another choice.  I obviously have objective 1 taken care of, ie: the financial, yet objective 2 I cannot seem to get past.  There is always a barrier it seems.  I need help.  If I can’t seem to stay away from Erin when we’re physically around each other then what else am I supposed to do?  …latch onto someone else as my counselor had suggested only worded and intended more maturely?  My counselor actually conveyed the message that it would be a good and healthy action/experience because the person would have the qualities that I am looking for, but how can I even begin to attract this if I am not more independent?

I understand that is a fear of mine, ie: “If I am not independent I will not attract anyone,” but it is a legit one… How can I possibly attract a beautiful young woman if I am in a dependent spot?  And what am I supposed to say to her when she asks, or it comes up in conversation, “Where are you living, Emily?” Imagined response:  “Oh, with my ex girlfriend and her father…” Do you know how unattractive that is?  See, what people don’t understand is that I am actually very independent; I am naturally a very independent and strong-willed person, but I am just in a bad (less than favorable, rather) situation right now, and I am afraidI don’t know how to overcome my grief (The problem!).  I don’t know how to stay away from Erin physically first off when we’re in the same house, which seems pretty damn basic, and I don’t know how to grieve, especially when there’s a constant threat of her “acting out,” ie: dating someone else, hooking up with someone, signing up for a dating site, etc. and me feeling/experiencing the rejection (she has acted insensitively for all but 4 months of our 3 year “relationship” now) all over again.

So I feel trapped although I know I am not.  At any rate, it would be fair to say that I am trapped in my feelings, or more accurately, grief.  I am frozen with indecision and inhibition.  I am paralyzed.  I am angry, resentful, in denial, etc. –just wanting things to be okay, and the the truth is, they’re not.  I just don’t feel like any woman is going to be attracted to me given my current situation.  I mean, I cannot imagine a healthy woman dating a man who is still living at home, and especially not a man who’s living with his ex, and so why on earth would anyone see or treat my situation any differently?  I will tell you right now however, that if I did date/find a woman, I would be loyal 100% to her.  I do not have a problem with loyalty.  When someone has swept me away and captured my attention, I am theirs 100%.  I will not play games with someone who treats me right.

I often say, “If Ashley ever took me back, I would be back with her in a heart beat and she would never have to worry about the things she did before,” ie: me leaving her because I had not grieved my ex.  Granted, I was 19, but that experience nevertheless changed my life.  Honest-to-God, if Ashley ever came back to me and asked me to be with her again, I would be with her in a heartbeat, and I would be 100% faithful to her.  Faithfulness has never been an issue with me.  My problem was that I left Ashley when I was 19 to go back to my ex with whom I had unresolved grief.  Ashley and I ended up rebounding with one another.  We were both in rocky situations, where in my case, my partner was cheating on me with my ex-best friend! –and Ashley’s partner too busy smoking weed all day to give her the attention she deserved, and Ashley and I turned to each other as friends for solace, and ended up dating about a month later.

At any rate, we both became involved too quickly, and I had not grieved my ex, Sarah.  Sarah could not stand the fact that I was with Ashley and she tried everything in her power to get me back.  I had not grieved Sarah, nor was I very mature at 19, and so I naively and regretfully took her back only to be cheated on again by her with the same woman a month later and then several others, both men and women, in the course of the remaining 2.5 years that I would ‘choose’ to stay with her!  During this time, I put up with things that I never should have allowed myself to put up with.  Although there is no excuse for this, in retrospect, I think I subconsciously allowed this because Sarah constantly guilted me about leaving her for Ashley, but she was cheating on me so anyone would have wanted to get away from that!  But the right thing probably would have been to be alone, and honestly, that was my –and Ashley’s intention, but it ended up turning into a relationship.

Sarah was very selfish.  I also stayed with her, because similar to the situation with Erin, I wanted things to be better between Sarah and I.  I had felt rejected for being cheated on, and I took it personally.  The same exact thing has happened with Erin.  Instead of taking these women’s behavior personally I should have been able to step back and see it as their problem and completely unacceptable, but I didn’t –I let my emotions get the best of me.

So here I am… 7 years later, and I have an opportunity to do things “differently.”  Do I?  Have I?  No.  Why?  Up until 1.5 years ago, literally, I did not know what I wanted in a relationship… I had no clue what a healthy relationship consisted of.  Now, after having dated Erin and having had the negative experiences I’ve had, I know what I want.  Additionally, I think I have attachment issues.  I have a hard time letting go of an unhealthy, unfulfilling relationship… I think this is because it sort of mocks the relationship I had with my mother and the “messages” that I learned from her growing up.  I learned from my her that I was not worthy of deserving to be loved.  My mother was not emotionally available to me and would often say and do very hurtful things to me like call me a “bitch,” hit me with the remote control, throw it at me, pull my hair with the hair brush, slap me, stand me up, etc., and so this was the behavior that I learned and along with that came subconscious messages, which I carried with me into adulthood and into all my relationships.

I can recognize this on an intellectual level, and I am just beginning to recogize it on an intellectual level, but changing the behaviors and messages is an entirely different story and requires work.  I need someone to help me with that work; the problem is I don’t trust anyone to help me because the very people I have trusted most –into my inner sanctum–, ie: Syndee E. have hurt me beyond measure.  Syndee, my former “therapist” was a sociopath, ie: antisocial personality disorder.  If you are unfamiliar with a sociopath I would suggest doing a little research on it.  At any rate, she sucked me dry for over $5,000 out-of-pocket in therapy and left me with more than a scar.  I ended up regressing at the end of our 3 year rendezvous.  The case went legal.

So yeah… when trust, something so very basic, has been shattered, I am honestly not sure how, and if, and when, it will, or can be regained/re-established.  I am really going to need words and actions to match up and for “actions to speak louder than words” when it comes to folks in order for me to ever trust again.  And people honestly wonder why I hang onto Ashley and Ashley’s and I’s “relationship” and that’s because she was the only person who ever followed-through on her words.  She was very big on fulfilling and living up to her potential.  I could always count on and rely on Ashley, and I highly respected her.  She was warm, sympathetic, supportive, and always there –firm and steady.  I need that in my life, and want to attract people like that.

Yet another cold and [baffling] reality “hits” me as I write tonight and that’s that Ashley is not here… ie, in my life.  The last I heard from her was on New Years Eve when she stated to me: “Don’t text me” after I had texted her expressing my feelings about how lonely I was and upset that Erin and then my friend dumped me off, when just a week prior to that she sent me a Christmas text saying something along the lines of “Merry Christmas,” which I found out through her ex with whom I was the matchmaker for 7 years ago that she sent that to “everyone.”  At any rate, a few months prior to that text I heard from her via phone because she called me and told me all about this guy who she was obsessed with and who she could not get over the fact that he reminded her so much of me.  It went something like “Emily, omg, he reminds me so much of you…”  “Oh my-God Emily, he reminds me ‘so much’ of you.” I was not sure what to think of this when I heard this, as I had mixed feelings, but my final conclusion was “She still has feelings for me, ie: unresolved grief because there’s transference going on, etc.”

Additionally, the last time I saw Ashley (Summer of 2007) it was apparent that she and I still had feelings for each other.  At any rate, I heard from her then, then again at Christmas, and when I decided to text her on New Years Eve, she responded to me with a suprisingly shocking rude text message.  I did not text her for months afterwords and then I just recently –yesterday in fact, sent her a Valentine card and cd with new music on it.  I told myself and Erin (because I am trying to set an example for Erin) “This will be the last time I reach out to her.” I am serious about this because I am sick and tired of the relationship with Ashley being one-sided now.  Ashley, for the last 4 years or so, has been very about herself — “me me me,” and I have just sort of went with it because I felt like I guess I deserved to just listen to her go on about herself because I was “lucky” (I would tell myself) to be having her contact me after what I did to her 7 years ago, ie: leave her for my ex.

So in my mind I was thinking, “Wow, it’s nice to actually hear from her.”  The truth is, however, we were never able to establish a reciprocal relationship because she was so busy always talking about herself and would never reach out to me or make time for me, ie: my feelings, sharings, experiences, etc.  So I would just listen to her for hours with a sympathetic ear feeling grateful and delighted for her to be contacting me.  I must admit, however, that it did hurt me that she would hog the conversation so-to-speak, and honestly, I really would have liked to have developed a friendship, 2-sided with her.  I expressed this to her clearly many times.  I guess there is only so much you can do before you just have to realize that someone is not going to change.  I always think, “Maybe Ashley will come around some day,” and who knows– maybe she will, or maybe she won’t.  All I know is that I hold onto the image of Ashley and I and what we had, because it may be 7 years ago, however, that “relationship” sadly, whatever it was, was the only not “good” per se, thing that I had, but it was a relationship in which someone else was respectful towards me and we shared similar values and interests.

To say the least, the compatibility was strong and now I look for that (Ashley, and Ashley and I’s relationship served as an example) in other relationships.  So here I am… and this is all about the relationship with myself and what choices I have… and now I just need to somehow get over this insurmountable barrier with my emotions in regards to this situation with Erin so I can move on…  I am somehow going to need to get space (physical) from her and learn to grieve without driving myself crazy with all the worry and “what-if’s,” ie:  “What if ‘x;’ what if ‘y'” to where I cannot get the peace or clarity/room to be myself.  I “am haunted by the hero that I could not be” just popped into my head… a lyric from the song “Rescue me” by Digital Summer, which keeps replaying in my head and in my dreams.

Speaking of “Rescuing me” songs… I have been having many dreams, left and right, about rescuing others, etc. and I honestly think that they are about myself… and with me needing to rescue myself.  The two songs that come to mind when I think about this are “Rescue me” by Digital Summer and “Far away” by Nickelback.  Both of these songs I can sing to my inner child.

Since I have already posted “Rescue me” twice in this blog, recently, I am going to post “Far away” one more time to reflect what I’m referring to.

July 8th, 2010; Power Struggle.


I woke up with this song playing in my head, so I’d like to share it…

“Open Up Your Eyes”

A single rose left to remember
As a single tear falls from her eye
Another cold day in December
A year from the day she said goodbye

Seems it’s only been a moment
Since the angels took him from her arms
And she was left there holding on to their tomorrow
But as they laid him in the ground
Her heart would sing without a sound

[Chorus:]
For the first time you can open your eyes
And see the world without your sorrow
And no one knows the pain you left behind
And all the peace you could never find
Is waiting there to hold and keep you
Welcome to the first day of your life
Just open up your eyes

A single lifetime lays behind her
As she draws her final breath
Just beyond the door he’ll find her
Taking her hand he softly says

[Chorus]

Just open up your eyes as I lay you down tonight
Safe on the other side, no more tears to cry

[Chorus]

After I awoke, and with this song running through my head, I could not fall back  asleep, and I also could not stop thinking, or what might appear as “obsessing” (grief- stage 1) as I described it, about Erin and I’s relationship ending… I expressed my grief to Erin via text stating:

“I can’t sleep, am obsessing, and am tired today/I’m obsessing about our relationship ending and the reality setting in and starting this new chapter of my life. I feel like in many ways I’m still holding on… I am just scared/I’m afraid to take this next step… But I know I need to.  Buying out time, trying to sort through my feelings… I don’t know what’s best for me because I’ve never had to do this… Afraid, because I’ve always had security.  Just wanting to hold on/Can’t clear my mind fast enough sometimes, often; lately… Not at all, and don’t want it to come as a shock… where I’m here and then I’m gone and had no time to think, feel, or process.  Where it just sneaks up and then I regret it.  “How do we ever know if we’re making the right decision?”/Trying to make sense of it all.  Don’t want it to hit me before I know it… I’m sick to my stomach because I feel like it’s all hitting me now and we’re prolonging it by being together.”

Erin’s response:

“I understand, I am too in a way.  I do agree that we are prolonging the inevitable.  This is going to end and it might hurt worse because of our actions/We’ve been in each others lives for so long the idea of you gone is something I can’t wrap my head around./I know it’s for the best but it still hurts and scares me. I don’t want to make a mistake and cut each other out of our lives.”

Response to Erin:

“I know, I can’t wrap my head around it, either… I feel like we’ll always be in each other’s life… I’m just not sure in which ways.  A part of me, a big part, thinks it would be best if we just go our separate ways until we heal our broken hearts… And then if we get back together, meaning meet up again, we meet up, but there’s too much pain right now… This relationship hurts like a thorn in my side… Because it hurts to be close to you… and it has most of our relationship.  The closer I get, the more you push me away… and that hurts me.  I can’t take the push/pull cycle anymore… I mean, it hurts to be close to you, Erin… I never know when you’re going to walk out… you’ve threatened it so many times…” (she demanded I take her to Recycle North once after we had had a long day of errands, and I said “I promise I will take you tomorrow,” and she threw a fit and packed all of stuff impulsively with the intention of moving back to PA).

Erin stated:

“I understand completely.  I don’t want to lose you forever but it’s in our best interest to be apart for a while. The sooner the better I think because we’re going to make it worse in the end/I understand em, and I’m sorry for making you feel that way.  I think living our own separate lives now would be best.  It would ease the initial shock and start the healing process. “

Summaries:

What I’m talking about in the first stanza, in the beginning, when I say, “And the ‘reality’ setting in…” I am referring to the reality that this (Erin and I’s “relationship”) is really over.  We have been back and forth for so long, and on top of that, in close proximity, literally, that it’s been difficult to get any space, clarity, and/or closure.  So the “reality” is, or (and) the fear is that it’s ultimately over… And yes, I know this needs to happen for our hearts to heal, but it’s scary… it’s new and scary.

In the second stanza when I say “…and I don’t want it to come as a shock,” ie:  “Can’t clear my mind fast enough sometimes; often, lately… not at all.  I just don’t want it to come as a ‘shock,'” once again I am referring to the break up, but particularly me leaving… physically, ie: going back to Vermont, or elsewhere.  Just physically leaving.  I don’t want the emotions to come on like a heatwave. In the next sentence, the”it” I’m referring to, ie: “Where ‘it’ just snuck up on me…” is the terrible grief… the “monster” in my closet.  The “I don’t want to regret it” is the actual leaving…

When I say “Don’t want it to hit me before I know it,” part of me knows I’ve been avoiding it… there is some consciousness here.

In the stanza where I say, “I can’t ‘make-believe,'” I am once again referring to this break-up and the pain I have experienced… In a lot of ways I think I’ve chosen to stay in this relationship because it’s easier to be in denial and in love with the fantasy, or the hope/belief that Erin will come around and be on mutual playing ground than to be not involved and disrespected.  I am disrespected either way though because Erin does not love herself and has commitment issues, but at least (this is my subconscious frame of mind) if I am in a relationship I can pretend (“make-believe”) that it’s okay.”

Song interpretation:

As far as the song interpretation, I am not sure exactly what it means, but it reminds me of another song, by Nickelback, called “Far away.”  Far Away was (still is) one of my favorite songs, and the song Far Away actually initially reminded me of two women very close to me in my life… Jen and Ashley… but several months, maybe years (I believe) later did it occur to me that the song is actually referring to myself…

The song itself may actually be about a relationship that the lyricist experienced, but as I said, it wasn’t until years later that I realized the whole time the song was really about the “relationship” I had with my self.  Very ironic,  nevertheless surprising!  At any rate, I feel like (this is the impression I sort of get) that this song by Daughtry, “Open up your eyes” may be about the relationship with myself.

The beginning of this song is very confusing because I don’t know (for me) if it’s a about a girl who reclaimed her life (me in this case), or if the song is referring to someone, ie: Erin. ie, “A single rose left to remember.  As a single tear falls from her eye,” etc.  Is this me crying?  Is this me actually mourning my childhood, my father, or my actual self?  Mind you, I lived in the shadow of my mother, and I essentially at some point or another abandoned my real self… so am I referring here to my own inner child, now in a woman’s body?

When I listen to the lyrics and read along I honestly almost get that impression, similar to the impression I got with the Nickelback song “Far Away” that this song is about me.  And as I read these lyrics and listen to the song my mind goes back and forth trying between “Me” or “Erin,” ie: “Is it me or Erin?” I am trying to figure out what resonates and rings true for me.  I just think it’s suprising the similarities between this song and the Nickelback song, and how with the Nickelback song I originally thought (And it very much was, in that time, and still is, but in an entirely different way) the song was about two women I deeply loved… I think this may be the same case, only I am coming to (and wanting) to love myself, so I think it can be seen metaphorically as a “rebirthing” process in a way.

The simple truth is, I may not know right now whether it’s more about me, or Erin, or even (this thought crossed my mind) my father’s death… This part actually made me think of my father and discovering him unconscious:

Seems it’s only been a moment
Since the angels took him from her arms
And she was left there holding on to their tomorrow
But as they laid him in the ground
Her heart would sing without a sound”

I was thinking of my father because my father was so much a part of me… and losing him was like losing myself.  The part that states “And she was left there holding on to their tomorrow” reminds me of both Erin and my father.  It’s weird (but makes complete sense) how after my dad died I sought security outside in every which direction, but that’s another story!  At any rate, the “as they laid him in the ground” takes me straight back to my father’s funeral.

When Daughtry begins to say “For the first time you can open your eyes…” “…And see the world without your sorrow
And no one knows the pain you left behind
And all the peace you could never find
Is waiting there to hold and keep you
Welcome to the first day of your life”

This is truly like a new chapter of my life.  I literally think of a book, and it’s “part II” and brand new.  What this is saying to me is that I can “leave the ‘pain’ behind,” ie: I can choose to live.  I don’t have to be defined by my pain.  “Welcome to the first day of your life” is saying this is a new chapter of my life.

When Daughtry says:

A single lifetime lays behind her
As she draws her final breath
Just beyond the door he’ll find her
Taking her hand he softly says”

For me, “A single lifetime lays behind her” is describing my past.  The “As she draws her final breath,” is about being shock and saying goodbye, physically and emotionally… “Just beyond the door he’ll find her” is about me walking away and fighting it… it’s consciously about me not wanting to say goodbye to Erin, but subconsciously it’s about me not wanting to be with myself.  “Taking her hand he softly says…” is about me letting go of Erin (At this point, grief-wise, I have not yet come to stage 5 “Acceptance;” I am still very much in denial and in the midst of grief) and her hand because she (a part of me) has finally “died.”

And then the chorus repeats, stating…

“For the first time you can open your eyes
And see the world without your sorrow
And no one knows the pain you left behind
And all the peace you could never find
Is waiting there to hold and keep you
Welcome to the first day of your life
Just open up your eyes…”

For me, this is all about a choice.  We have a choice on how we choose to live our lives… this is a new way of celebrating and looking at things… we can either continue to hold onto the past or we can choose to live.

Daughtry then says “Just open up your eyes as I lay you down tonight
Safe on the other side, no more tears to cry”

“…as I lay you down tonight” is about bringing peace to my mind-body-soul; more than anything, mind-heart.  And then “Safe on the other side, no more tears to cry,” particularly “…no more tears to cry” is about the hurt stopping… it’s about knowing somewhere inside that I’ve made the right decision and I’m in a much better place.

Where you go from here, I’m not sure, but I guess that’s the beauty in life… you discover it.  “Life’s a mystery”

My question now is, “How do you say goodbye to the only ‘friends’ you’ve ever known?”  Your ex’s have been a representation of you… parts of yourself you’ve repressed… if they’re addicted, maybe you’re addicted? ie, to avoiding your pain (grief & sorrow).  How do you part with those pieces/persons?  The pieces… these parts of ourselves, our grief… past baggage, and are literally (pain-wise) like losing a limb…

How do you “catapult” into this new life and not feel guilty about it?  …guilty for “abandoning” them, though you’ve really abandoned yourself?  How do you separate them from you?  Simply put, how do we put the past behind us and grieve when so many of these people have been a part of us… heavily ingrained.

It’s just like drugs… when drugs have been a part of someone’s life for so long, how do they part with it and make sense of the present and future?  How do they integrate, re-integrate, or re-learn a whole new world view?  I guess I just want to understand the trauma I have endured and build a “brand new me.”  I want to feel whole, healthy, and alive again…

I think that honestly losing someone when you’ve experienced as much trauma as I have can be compared to losing a limb… and the abuse that I endured emotionally, verbally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually can be compared to a “combat zone.”  I honestly feel (and relate) very much to veterans who have been involved in combat.  My mind, body, psyche, soul, everything was literally in this “shock,” fear, panic, etc… everything that a veteran has associated themselves with.

I really relate to Evan’s Blue… the old Evan’s Blue with Kevin Matisyn… Kevin’s lyrics, music, melody, etc. reminds me entirely of someone who has been “emotionally battered,” or traumatized…

In all of Kevin’s lyrics there are overtones and overlays of extreme, excruciating pain… longing, agony, beauty, bitterness, bitter-sweet, desiring, hoping, wishing… just being a child and cut off.  There is much pain there.  His albums are beautiful yet hopeful.  They are his process of healing.  At any rate, I relate to this man.

I think that we can all heal from our pasts, it’s just about moving through the pain.

Update (1 hour later):  Release, but still holding tight…

Erin and I were conversing today via text about separating… we merely spoke of it, but never actualized anything.  After writing this entry, I initiated a break up. I honestly hope (I feel it should be) this is our last and final breakup.  I have now engaged in the push/pull cycle with Erin… for 2 years she was push/pull with me, and progressively worse over the last 6 months… and I was push/pull with her once, this past week… now I am through.  I want to be over this.  I also must be very careful with how I talk to myself in terms of my grief and healing process, ie: “I want to be ‘over’ this” is like telling my body, “It’s not okay to feel,” and it is okay to feel.  I need to feel.

Erin stated that we should physically space apart… and I disagree, only because it was hard enough initiating this breakup and making the breakup final… not to mention, I spent two years “apart,” both physically and emotionally… obviously more emotionally, but I still spent enough time physically apart because Erin would work herself to death and use work (and other things, ie: porn, food, computer, online gaming, fantasy, etc.) as a distraction.

To say the least, I am still resentful about us not having spent enough time together because she was more absorbed in her own interests.  I do not want to re-traumatize myself so-to-speak by “spacing out.”  I told her the main thing right now is to just not kiss… that that’s a major step… which should not be a problem since we’re not together.  For me it wasn’t a problem before; for Erin it was… Erin has poor impulse control, and when she’s around me she always wants to kiss me… I did not have a problem not kissing her because I guess I knew that it was not logical to kiss and not be together, so I didn’t.

The truth is though I can’t stay here forever… and Erin and I need space.  We need to heal.  I need to grieve.  I cannot tolerate being around her because it hurts me… even as friends… even when we’re not together her actions hurt me.  Likely because I have not been able to grieve yet.  I also don’t like how dirty the house is here… and as I’ve said before, her dad isn’t willing to clean or hire a cleaner… I could always hire a cleaner myself if I can get his permission, however I don’t feel I will ever be able to properly grieve while living here… Erin said at one point that she would consider moving out and back into her mom’s house, and I could stay with her dad if worse came to worse… that I could continue paying him rent and have the “whole upstairs” to myself, and I would strictly be a tenant, but even back then when she said this I remember a distinct feeling of dread, in that 1.  That would be very awkward (to be living with an ex gf’s parent… Umm… yeah), and 2.  I would still see Erin and have reminders of her, and I would not be able to handle wondering if she’s dating someone else…

With that being said, I (we) really need distance from each other.  It would torture me seeing her every now and then, and I feel it would just prologue the grief… even living with her dad!  …I would still hear about her, and from her!  …and besides that, it is just downright awkward!  I mean, I appreciate the thought… I really do… but yeah, I don’t think that would be a good situation… not right now anyway… maybe later on.  Maybe in a couple of years if I need a roommate… I’m sure he might consider letting me rent out the top floor for a little more and just being my own, independent person, and experiencing the city… but yeah, I won’t start future tripping :P

As of right now, that does not sound appealing to me at all, and I would really like to become financially stable… I am young, and I am heavily in debt due to my student loans.  I just want to build a life for myself… a strong, sturdy foundation… I just need to figure out the whole “work” situation, and my time is quickly running out… I honestly (clearly) do not know what I want (need) for myself right now.

I need clarity.

Erin’s response:“I understand, I am too in a way.  I do agree that we are prolonging the inevitable.  This is going to end and it might hurt worse because of our actions.  I’m scared to be without you in what ways?  We’ve been in each others lives for so long the idea of you gone is something I can’t wrap my head around.”I then stated to Erin, “I know, I can’t wrap my head around it, either…” I said, “It scares me too… and I feel like we’ll always be in each other’s life… I’m just not sure in what ways.  A part of me, a big part thinks it would be best if we just go our separate ways until we heal our broken hearts… And then if we get back together, meaning meet up again, we meet up, but there’s too much pain right now…” 

Erin states, “I know it’s for the best but it still hurts and scares me.  I don’t want to make a mistake and cut each other out of our lives.  I don’t want to lose you forever but it’s in our best interest to be apart for a while. The sooner the better I think because we’re going to make it worse in the end.”Still expressing my feelings, I said to Erin, “This relationship hurts like a thorn in my side… Because it hurts to be close to you… and it has most of our relationship.  The closer I get, the more you push me away… and that hurts me.  I can’t take the cycle anymore and make believe…”

In the stanza where I say, “I can’t ‘make believe,'” I am once again referring to this break-up and the pain I have experienced… In a lot of ways I think I’ve chosen to stay in this relationship because it’s easier to be in denial and in love with the fantasy, or the hope/belief that Erin will come around and be on mutual playing ground than to be not involved and disrespected.  I am disrespected either way though because Erin does not love herself and has commitment issues, but “at least (this is my subconscious train of thought) if I am in a relationship I can pretend (“make believe”) that it’s okay.”

I stated, “I mean, it hurts to be close to you, Erin… I don’t know when you’re going to walk out.”

Erin stated, “I understand em, and I’m sorry for making you feel that way.  I think living our own separate lives now would be best.  It would ease the initial shock and start the healing process. “