You know, something we don’t think about often is death. I keep getting the “10 of swords” and “5 of pentacles” is nearly all of my tarot readings. Tarot plays off ones subconscious and works via quantum physics similar to the law of attraction. The cards are not “evil” as some religious folks might believe – they are impressions in image-form. In other words, we think certain things and have a subconscious and the images reflect this subconscious domain.
Both of these cards are dis-favorable cards, and I have drawn them more times than I can count. The reality is my health is not in good shape and is compromised. My ear-node pain is getting worse. I have it in both ears, although the right side (also where my asymmetrical tonsil is located) is worse, and it gets so bad sometimes that it radiates to my upper jaw, causing a headache in back and front and then finally neck and shoulder pain. The ear-node pain is worse when I am stressed out and cold air makes it worse, however, the pain comes and goes at any time.
All other symptoms, ie: hair loss, joint pain in hand/fingers, weight gain (and loss), fatigue (extreme), dry/red/bloodshot eyes, hot/cold flashes, occasional night sweats, etc. are so trivial compared to the ear-node pain, which on a 1-5 scale is about a 4 most of the time, sometimes hitting a 3 and other times a whopping 5. I am too young to be having these kinds of issues. Whatever I have going on — this “viral” illness that I came down with either in August of 2008 or Fall of 2007 (I became extremely sick both times) has caused my thyroid to stop working and one thing after another (in my body) to shut down.
At any rate, I am concerned, and I am now thinking about what would happen if I died… ie, if what I have going on is serious, ie: cancer, a tumor, etc. The cards that have continually popped out are standing out. “Cards” aside, I have a health issue that is progressively getting worse and nobody knows what it is. One agency — IGENIX — a top lyme-testing lab in Palo Alto, CA, has diagnosed me with chronic lyme disease and yet the CDC (Center for Disease Control), which we all know has too “low” standards, states that I only meet 3 out of 5 criteria for lyme and so I would technically not have it. This in and of itself is a huge controversy within the lyme community.
Needless to say, I am thinking about existential matters. On my way home tonight from NJ after having ran errands and bought groceries I pondered, “What are the 12 things I would like to do before I die?” ie, if you found out you had 6 months to live, what would you do? So it has me thinking… and I know that sounds depressing, but lets be prepared for the worst-case scenario. What do I really have here? My things — they mean nothing; they will parish when I do. “What matters to me?” Death really makes you contemplate.
I cannot help but wonder how many people have had near-death experiences that have changed their lives. Will I have one? I can’t tell you how many psychics I’ve been to — trusted ones (my family used to go to one — Ms. Nancy Bowman) who have told me I will have a “cancer” scare — and “scare” or not, that may involve surgery, death, etc. At any rate, it makes you think — “What is ‘life’ (this thing I have not even begun to fully experience) all about?” “What will/would I like to do if I was going to die in 6 months and knew it?” “What things would (will) I have experienced?”
My first thought, or one of my first thoughts was “I wish I had money (I don’t have any savings or inheritance, what can I say?) I would give it to Ashley and to Jen’s little brother, Jessy.” I say this not because I think money has worth, but because I believe that it can get people somewhere — it can provide opportunity. I want to see little Jessy go to college; I have desired that from him since I first saw him, because he deserves it. At any rate, I do not have money, so what can I give? That brings me to say “What would I do?” ie, listing 10-12 things before my life runs out.
How often and how many of us really think about this? At any minute any of us could come down with a terminal illness — what are the things (journal) that would want to do given your 6 months to live?
I had told Erin tonight that I would be happy just knowing that I have discovered my purpose – do you know how rare and precious of a gift that is, especially for someone my age? My purpose is to Serve — to be a vessel, a catalyst for others — to create opportunity and prosperity. I am interested in providing for myself, my future family, and the community — providing financial and educational opportunities. Maybe I would have never had a chance to live out that dream; however, I am grateful for having had the clarity to discover the purpose.
I discovered my purpose while in Vermont, which was the best (most life-enhancing) experience of my life. It really opened my eyes up, and I am thankful (gracious) to have experienced it. I met some wonderful people and for the first time in my life can say that I discovered “family.” We choose our family. Anothe thing, I discovered I had choice in Vermont, and I also found (for the most part) my Voice. I was able to express myself there for perhaps the first time and was encouraged to express myself and develop my potential. People (the community) supported me — my interests, well-being, etc.
I will have to think about how to answer this question. 10 things…