Emily’s life vision, career path, direction :)


Youtube has once again cut my videos off — the worst ever this time!  I think I am going to try uploading via my blackberry and see if it makes a difference… For now, here’s the same old mac webcam I have been using:

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April 29th, 2011. Career expansion-growth.


I would like to work with an organization to help 1. Optimize the organization (ie, it’s structure/order), and I would like to 2. Work directly with its people, using my skills and abilities to help individuals develop their potential…

I seek to work with an agency in helping the agency carry out its mission, values, and vision to the fullest, mobilizing resources, creating energy, and movement

I am interested in work that entails the following:

Staff trainings, team development, facilitating events, leading workshops, educating and training, facilitating personal growth, leading discussions, creating PowerPoint presentations for learning purposes,  enlisting participants feedback, raising awareness, advocating, central role in events/planning, part of a committee board, revising job duties/descriptions, able to revise/updating agency’s website, blog, twitter, and Facebook/calendar, able to create/revise organizational chart, create/develop resource guides & handbooks.

Ideal work environment: -Structured w/clear organizational chart -Ample opportunities for growth and advancement -Ample opportunities for leadership/staff development -Strong focus on personal growth (abundant travel/training opportunities) -Competitive salary w/excellent benefits -Regular staff/board/committee meetings  -Ability to work independently as well as be a part of a strong team -Work with value-minded colleagues… same mission/purpose  

Nature of ideal work…

-Nature of work involves creative, innovative problem-solving -Be able to effect change and policy -Help other employees identify their strengths and weaknesses -Help other employees identify and overcome barriers and challenges -Demonstrate and encourage leadership skills

Ideal job summary (essay): My ideal work environment would have clear guidelines and clear organization.  The environment would allow for creative problem solving and implementation.  *It is crucial that within this structured environment, there are ample opportunities for creativity, innovation, and growth/advancement. The organization would offer a competitive salary with good benefits.  The environment would consist of value/mission-driven colleagues who are passionate and committed to maintaining high levels of personal and professional integrity.

There would be minimal supervision (autonomy/freedom would be valued) but a strong focus on the team and team development.  Ample opportunities for staff development/growth, and learning would be offered. Summary of work: I need work that allows me to be innovative/develop and that’s challenging.  I greatly enjoy overcoming obstacles and barriers.  I also benefit/need a great deal of autonomy (freedom/independence) but to be a part of a strong team with a strong mission.  I would also like to be a part of council or board (committee) meetings where changes can be brainstormed and further improved.

NOT ideal work environment:

-Lack of opportunities for growth and learning -Minimal opportunities for creative problem solving -Heavy supervision (I need freedom/autonomy –minimal supervision)

The organization should be organized (external environment, as well as structurally) and things should be efficient.  Employees should be competent.  I am an idea person, and so I would like to be able to make suggestions and have those suggestions heard and taken seriously (ie, implemented).  I would love to be able to implement those changes myself eventually.  Constant growth, learning, and challenge is essential.  The worst thing is to be working a job that is not rewarding and not challenging, ie: stagnant (ie, conventional).  I would not thrive in an organization that is not open to change and constant growth/development.  I especially thrive in new agencies where programs and curriculum are being developed and there’s ample room for ideas/feedback.

In terms of work, I value:  Organization, Efficiency, Growth/Learning Opportunities, Competent Staff, Challenge, Competitive benefits.

Type of organization I am interested in working for:

Help develop leadership skills, help individuals articulate their needs and ideas, responsible for creating social and environmental change, building relationships, workshops and training sessions, planning and implementing, identifying and researching better methods, organize, carry out, projects, skill-building trainings, develop workshops, planning and implantation, project-based learning, community development, coaching/mentoring central role.

Example of a place I might work at:  Our mission is to empower, organize, individuals to become leaders, critical thinkers, develop knowledge and skills.

MY SKILLS & STRENGTHS:

  • Excellent leader with vision, self-motivated, organized
  • Self-aware, Intelligent, value-driven, resourceful
  • Excellent verbal and written communication skills
  • Passion and drive to excel, critical thinker
  • Strong research and presentation skills,
  • Wpm 90, PC/MAC, MS Office Pro, willing to travel

I value:  Respect, discipline, teamwork, leadership, growth and expansion,

Personal Areas/Fields of interest:

Organizational Development Professional Development Leadership Development Project management/Project leaders­hip, Executive coaching, Consulting, Human Resources Partner

February 17th, 2011. Ashley, correspondences and such.


I talked to Ashley today when I was at the mall with Erin looking at Macbook’s.  I texted  her afterwords while we were in the Disney store (Erin loves Disney).  I asked her if she received the package I sent her.  She replied, “I didn’t get a message… at least I don’t think I did.” I responded back, “Check the post office; it arrived and is waiting for you.  Call me and I can give you the tracking number.” I waited a few minutes and didn’t hear from her and so I called her.  She answered (I wasn’t sure if she was going to) and we started talking.

She asked me what the package is, and I told her it’s a “surprise” and she said something along the lines of, “You didn’t have to do that for me…” I said, “Well I promised you I would send you something, so I did.” She said that she has a lot of mail that she hasn’t checked yet and that the notice slip is probably in the pile and if it’s not she’ll get a hold of me tonight and let me know.

She asked me what I’ve been up to, and I told her about Korea and the possibility of teaching English.  To wrap things up, I said, “What do you think?”  She said something along the lines of, “I don’t know, I wouldn’t consider it for the long-term.”  She seemed open to the possibility but sounded like she needed more info, or who knows, maybe she is making good money where she’s working now and doesn’t have an interest in exploring other possibilities.  I asked her what she has been up to… she said things have been super hectic.  I said, “So I heard you might be moving to North Carolina?” She said something along the lines of “we’ll see.”  She said she had to go after about 5 minutes.  It was a nice and short conversation.

I have to be honest, I really care for Ashley, and I miss her a lot.  She has my best interest at heart.  I am sincere in my devotions.  I think about her safety, her well-being, her success, her life, her decisions, and choices, etc.  I want to know how she’s doing and be there for her every step of the way.  I have great respect for Ashley as a person; I think she has a lot of potential for success and is a good person.  I want what Ashley has, and I also in many ways want to be her complimentary figure.

I have been in the kitchen making food for the last 10 minutes or so and thinking about how I want to be Ashley’s “go to” man so-to-speak… the person she turns to for consolation.  When she’s sad or just wants to talk about life, I want to be that person.  The connection we have is rare, and I understand that resentment and distrust can put a wedge between us, but there isn’t anything I cannot work on and that we cannot overcome as a pair.  As I’ve said to all of my girlfriends, “I will be your support –your strong tower;” I mean that, and I especially, particularly extend that welcome to Ashley.

If given the chance to “do it all over” again, I would.  I don’t care if that sounds “crazy” or unrealistic, because I believe –fully, in the impossible.  I believe in certain things, and when a connection is sparked, that is something that I don’t let go of… not easily, and when I do, it’s because I know that it’s for the best.  But with Ashley, I know that I have changed, and I am sure that she has changed too, and I want to see where that goes… as friends…

If all we ever are are friends then so be it; I will accept it and be grateful, but I know for a fact that this is a friendship that I want in my life.  Friendships are few far and in-between, and I want something significant, rare, and special.

I texted her just a few minutes ago, now that I am home and am making organic pasta and veggies and eating a healthy meal and said, “I’m making pasta and broccoli right now So good.  Look, I know that I haven’t been someone you’ve wanted to talk to and your favorite person, but I’m here for you and I care about you.  I have a lot of respect for your, Ashley, and I want good people in my life… People with good heart’s, like yourself, and a good head on their shoulders.”  I said, “I’d like you to reach out to me.  I know I wasn’t always the best person when you knew me, but I have changed.”

I ended the text like that, although now that it’s over with, I am wishing that I had said more, as the thought seems (feels) unfinished.  Maybe something like, “I know I wasn’t always the best person when you knew me, but I have changed, and I sincerely mean that,” etc.  Oh well.  She has not responded, nor did she respond to the two single texts I sent her after our conversation saying, “It was good hearing from you, thank you for picking up.”  “I’d like to hear about how you’re doing.” I have always said, in recent weeks, that if Ashley does not reach out to me soon then I am going to completely back off for my own well being.  It hurts me when she does not respond like this, and I have no clue –no indicator showing that she is not interested in talking to me via communication.

Ashley has always been someone to communicate, and so it honestly blows my mind that she has not spoken to me directly her wants/needs –her feelings, rather.  What is she doing, I ask?  I mean, I understand if someone is busy in their life, but at least let someone know that it’s not them and that you care about them.  I feel like I’m hanging with her… emotionally.  I just feel like I don’t know what’s going on, like I’ve been left in the dark.  It’s not even about me being desperate or longing, etc. but about me simply knowing what’s going on in my emotional affairs.

We all grow up and things change, but I am somebody, who in many ways, doesn’t change my very core attributes and basic makeup.  My sincerity and devotion rather.  My character has changed, as in I have grown up and matured, but my heart always stays the same.  The song, “Straight from the heart” by Bryan Adams just came to mind.  I do not lie, and I am very sincere, and I honestly pride myself on that.  I pride myself on being so emotionally revealing, and I look for that in all of my affairs.  I look for someone else with the same sensitivity, authenticity, and expressiveness.

One could argue that I am “hung up” on my ex.  For clarification-sake, Ashley is not my “ex,” and I promised her a long time ago that I would never call her that, and I have not.  I have followed-through with that simple request, which at time time seemed “trivial,” but that I now understand through growth and maturity.  I am caught up on the fact that we were close friends first and we had compatibility… in interests then, and now both values and interests.  Ashley does not know me now because she has not taken the time… she has not seen, ie: witnessed (like Jen has beautiful put it, leaving a thoughtful note on my windshield one day: “We all need a witness to our lives”).

Ashley has not witnessed my life for only but brief moments because she has turned her eyes and back away in many ways… I believe this to be related to resentment.  She is resentful for things that have happened, and have never healed from it (bless her heart) and as a result closed herself off to receiving.  How much longer can one hold onto something before it takes them and another a part?  I mean, I understand that with Erin and I for instance there is a ton of resentment, but she keeps on hurting me!  Erin keeps on lying, etc. but I have 100% completely changed as a person.  It is rare, like 10%, that someone changes… but I did because I realized I had a good thing.

Losing Ashley opened up my eyes… it had a profound effect on me, more than my own father’s death.  Ashley was there for me emotionally and physically.  She was a beautiful woman in my life, someone who cared about me and was sincere, and I was too underdeveloped to appreciate it.  I had unresolved grief.  You better believe that if I could take those moments back I would, and I would treat her via actions like she deserved.  I want nothing more than for Ashley to listen to me these days… by simply witnessing my life and showing a sincere interest in it.

If she’s stressed out then she can turn to me.  I understand that trust was severed, but I am a changed person and yet she has a wall, a wedge, even if invisible, placed between us, and I can feel it.  And I just keep on saying, “I want the person back that I knew…” I will say to myself, “I want my Ashley…” I want the person who saw me and cared for me and gave me that special attention.  She communicated to me how she felt, and she showed me… and I gave her little because I was quite simply young and immature.  I did not have the character that I do now.

Have you ever seen a movie about a man who started out as a boy, maybe even immature, and maybe he even got himself into trouble often in his youth, etc. but who grew up and was a leader?  He developed himself; life, experiences built him, shaping him.  I am shaped… but right now I am like a castle metaphorically-speaking, because I have walls up.  I too, like Ashley, have been hurt… bad.  I have received my fair share.  I am over with it, in my mind.  I want to move on, but I am stuck.  I am stuck so bad, and I just want some help, and I want a friend, someone who is trustworthy, warm, and sincere –who I can trust, to help me out.  What better person could there be than Ashley?

I understand she’s busy with her life, and that (my belief) that resentment is keeping us apart, and soon I will have to distance myself from her (not get or be “over” her, but just put her in the back of my mind) because it’s hurting me waiting for something that may or may not ever come, but in my mind it’s beginning to become an “I’m all alone in this life” mentality, and I don’t want that.  I remember a song that Ashley and I used to listen to, and it was called something like “Us against the world” and the title pretty much speaks for itself… but that “us” –that couple was Ashley and I, and we were a strong tower.  I don’t want to be on my own in that kind of way… not anymore, not now, now somehow.  I am tired of being alone emotionally… I have been alone for far too long.

The last time that I was emotionally engaged and connected was in 2006, and that was with Jen, and that wasn’t the healthiest relationship.  It has been that long (no exaggeration) since I have connected with someone.  I am not sure if it’s just because I am introverted and only connect with certain folks or because not a lot of folks have highly developed values, and moreover, live out those values, or because I have been isolated and in highly destructive relationships, but the point is, I’ve been “cold,” ie: on the outside for far too long.  I am hurting.

I need an ounce… a piece of bread… anything to help feed me, or rather match me (pair) emotionally.  I need to “dethaw” so-to-speak, for my shoulders to come down… to not always feel the need to carry this burden… this false, overdeveloped-sense of responsibility.  I need someone I can just jive with… go out with… connect with… have fun…. Humor.  I miss kayaking… camping… going to poetry… seeing open mic… concerts… plays… it’s been years, and I am in no way, shape, or form exaggerating.  I just need a freaking friend –excuse my language.

The problem that I keep running into is that not everyone is sincere and not everyone has highly developed values, and most of all, not everyone “walks the —their talk.”  I’m trying to “walk my talk;” I honestly need a boost.  Again, I need a friend, someone emotionally centered/based but who’s stable, warm and supportive… and positive.  –Who I can laugh with, tell jokes with, be crazy with, outlandish, etc.  I have not been able to be “myself” in God knows how long… years –no exaggeration.  “I’m dying each and every second that you’re gone.” -?  This song just came to mind…

“Best I ever had” by State of Shock

Now I know I messed up bad
You were the best I ever had
I let you down in the worst way
It hurts me every single day
I’m dying to let you know

Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
Cause when it all comes down to the end
I could sure use a friend

So many things I would take back
You were the best I ever had
I don’t blame you for hating me
I didn’t mean to make you leave

You and I were living like a love song
I feel so bad, I feel so bad that you’re gone
Now I know you’re the only one that I want
I want you back, I want you

Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
Cause when it all comes down to the end
I could sure use a friend
Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
All I want to do is make it up to you
Cause when it all comes down to the end
You were the best I ever had

We fell in love for a reason
Now you’re leaving
And I just want you back
So many things we believed in
Now you’re leaving and words won’t bring you back
I’ll never let go of the heart I broke

You and I were living like a love song
Now I know you’re the only one that I want
I want you back, I want you

Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
All I want to do is make it up to you
Cause when it all comes down to the end
I could sure use a friend
Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
All I want to do is make it up to you
Cause when it all comes down to the end
You were the best I ever had

I can’t believe that I threw away all our dreams
I can’t believe now that you’re gone how much you mean to me
I feel so bad, I feel so bad
You were the best I ever had
I can’t believe that I threw away all our dreams
I can’t believe now that you’re gone how much you mean to me
I feel so bad, I feel so bad
You were,
You were the best I ever had

The other day the part of the song that says, “You and I were living like a love song
I feel so bad, I feel so bad that you’re gone…” was running through my head nonstop out of nowhere.  I have dreams of this woman… I have woken up screaming her name before.  Before you call it “crazy” and/or judge and label it, lets just look at it simply… as grief maybe… as someone (myself) who lost a friend, someone that really mattered to them and their body –their mind, body, and soul is longing to be with this person…

I am listening to the song now because I wanted a refresher, and it’s making me sad… and I am really serious about stepping back.  It will hurt me more than anything, but it can’t be worse than not being responded to… basically ignored.  I know that she’s a busy person and has a lot “going on,” but I need some responsiveness… some genuine communication.  In the meantime, I will continue building my character and growing, learning, and developing.

My goal is to be a life coach/trainer/educator/facilitator/writer/author/motivational speaker, and teacher.  I will get there, and I am fully on my way.  I am capable.  I am strong.  I am honest, and I am true. I have integrity.