March 13th, 2011. Exhausted.


I am tired and exhausted and just want to sleep.  Erin and I were going to go to a coffee shop tonight, and I am too pooped.  Speaking of “coffee shops,” I want to explore other coffee shops in the area, as I am getting tired of the three that I’ve been to – Chapter House, Bean Cafe, and Starbucks.  I am even tired of Borders which is forever away and full of a bunch of homeless people and PC-users.

I am going to look up coffee shops here soon.  There has to be an intimate one in the area.  Chapter House is okay, but it’s crowded and modern and doesn’t really have the “bohemian” feel I am looking for.  “Bohemian” may not even be the word… it’s just too modern and too crowded and you get a lot of college students.  There are however plenty of mac users, which is good, but it’s all young college folks.

I miss the coffee shops in Burlington which are very down-to-earth, artsy, and intellectual.  I miss that feel.  They would have real local trees as their coffee tables and plants all around.  They would often have live music…. there was a very authentic feel.  I miss that… speaking of “Burlington,” I was going through my stuff today, putting stuff away, and I found the popular, tourist, cartoon-style map of Burlington from when we went on our trip a couple of weeks ago.  I was tempted to cut it out and put it on the wall but didn’t want anymore clutter on the wall.  I then thought of another idea:  Framing it!

I thought to myself, “I need to feel like I’m at home when I’m in recovery,” and so it occurred to me that I could frame it.  I haven’t framed it yet, but it’s just a passing thought.  I probably would have by now, but I am exhausted.  This is part of being ill; I am always tired.  Granted, I did not get proper sleep last night, which complicates matters, but over all, I am not as energetic as I would like to be.  Aside from lacking the energy, I am often in excruciating pain.  I always have pain behind my ears… where the bone and jaw meet.  It’s this dull, aching pain constantly… it often hurts so bad that I clench, both my hands and jaw, which then causes me a headache and eventually a migraine.

The ear/jaw bone pain is always there.  2 years ago I thought that by removing my wisdom teeth the pain would be eradicated but it didn’t make a difference; it remains.  This pain started when I was in a very stressful, abusive relationship back in the fall of 2007.  It has come and gone, but now it is pretty steady.  I want to put a hot packet on it constantly to soothe it, but it only works so well.

I am also super duper sensitive to the heat and cold and have major heat and cold intolerance.  When most people are wearing sweatshirts I am bundled up in a winter jacket, gloves, and a hat.  When people are warm, I am extremely hot and need the AC.  My eyes are also slightly yellow and “sick” looking — they have been this way since fall 2008 when I first became sick.  I get fevers, the sweats, tingling in my hands, face, and feet.  I am miserable.  I have increased anxiety, depression, insomnia…

My mouth is always dry like cotton mouth, and it doesn’t matter how much water I drink; it won’t quell my dry mouth.  I am constantly getting infections… especially in my fingers and nose.  I am sick, and this lyme bacteria is killing me.  The list goes on and is actually quite detailed.  I have been tracking my symptoms steadily for 3-months now using a tracker.  Granted, if I wanted to, I could go back through all of my old medical notes, but I barely have the energy to do that.

I want to get better, to feel better, and to be revitalized again.  I want my health back!

Advertisements

March 13th, 2011. Lyme times.


I am tired and exhausted because I had chosen to stay up late last night reading about the XMRV virus in connection with my lyme disease.  I was proud to have discovered that a connection has been made because the last time that I looked up XMRV in the fall of 2010 it had only been linked to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  It’s good to see advances!  And of course Dr. Joseph Burrascano is on top of the research.

At any rate, I am tired today.  I am excited to start my new regime soon and structure –structure more or less; the regimen itself is going to be very difficult to follow seeing as how I eat carbs every single day, often three, if not four times a day.  The lyme diet is very strict.  I have been told it’s somewhat like the Atkins diet and that it’s also similar to the Gerson diet used to treat cancer patients.

At any rate, I am excited to incorporate my new structure and to apply the discipline to achieve it.  I think that with adequate sleep I may very well be able to accommodate it and live it out successfully.  Of course there will be challenges, which I believe I can overcome as long as I can identify them, and also through the grace of God.  I do have belief in a spiritual power despite my anguish and triumph.

I trust that there is a “plan” for me.  I will be honest, there are moments –many, where I feel completely helpless, and I am angry, bitter, and sad that this is happening to me, but I just remind myself that there will come a time when things are “better.”  I will hold true to that.  I have heard of many lyme disease patients committing suicide because life doesn’t seem worth living; I hope to not get to that point.

I honestly believe that I have a purpose on this earth to serve and help make a difference.  I believe that I have what it takes inside to overcome and to be a part of the “greater” plan.  I believe that I have what it takes to succeed listening to the Creator.  I strongly believe that there is a chosen path for me.  –that is not to undermine or underestimate good will, or personal will, as I do believe that we have and are given choices, but I believe that through this suffering I will become a stronger person, and I will trust with all of my heart that I can pull through this.

My “friend” is the night.  The “night” and its stillness and silence is my companion.  The stars.  The trees.  –the things that I cannot see right now because I am so far away from them, but in my heart, they stay, as well as the vision that I hold for myself and my life.  I will overcome.  I will believe.

I think there is beauty and richness all around us.  I think that when we stop and breathe and take a moment to see the richness and beauty that life has to offer we can appreciate.  Life is beautiful.  I love life.  I love people.  I love the gifts that I have been given and the unique gifts that others share.  I want to see the world a better place.   I want to see people make a difference –to see people happy.  We are meant to live out our lives with purpose, conviction, and integrity.  To master unknown truths, but to know when to surrender.

“There is ‘beauty in the breakdown'” Dido once said.  I will be broken down, each of my defenses, whether I like it or not until I learn my “lesson” –this I wholeheartedly believe.  There is a “lesson” for that I just cannot see yet.  There is truth in the unknown.  There is a lesson here, and a magical healing and renewed spirit.  We will prevail.  We will walk together.  We will know each other.  We will love, respect, and tolerate one another.  We will cherish one another.  This is not a “utopia.”  Change starts with us –with the self.  I will walk through the fire if I have to, and by the water.  I will try and rest and calm my body to the best of my ability, creating a good balance.

I will eat healthy foods, mediate, sleep, love, and pray.  I will try and moderately exercise.  I am going to do my best to overcome this dis-ease and sickness.  Amen.