Expression and boundaries


So I’m really embarrassed and kind of self-conscious.  I went to hang out with Jen tonight, Ashley’s ex.  On my way over there, she told me that “Koger” (My ex, Sarah) was going to stop by.  I figured, “Okay, whatever.”  I nonchalantly wrote it off, but I was really nervous because I felt (feel, rather) fat right now because my thyroid meds are off again – that, or my lyme disease has re-birthed itself.

Anyway, I was (am) still very self-conscious.  I am not sure what to think right now because I revealed some information to them that I may later regret, that might hurt the person I care about.  I revealed that I still kind of have feelings for my ex, Ashley, (their former best friend).  Sarah is still facebook friends with Ashley, and Jen could easily talk to her if she wanted.

At any rate, they poked fun at me tonight, and I could tell they weren’t taking it (my feelings) seriously.  I felt (feel) really raw and vulnerable right now.  I want to be able to let my feelings out, but I don’t know who to talk to, and I also don’t think I am articulating what I feel correctly.  I don’t “want” Ashley in the kind of way(s) that Sarah was joking about… it is not a lusty thing… I want to be friends with her again, honestly.  I want to do fun things together and talk (reminisce) about old times.  I want to start over again and just have a good time and talk for hours about people and life.

Tonight I was talking about things like buying her a car someday and possibly marrying her because she is the “one” for me (I know this without a doubt – that she is the kind of person that I want to be with, and I have never, literally, met anyone like her – similar to me, strong, beautiful, willful, and graceful, and have never come across another person that I feel the way I do when I’m with her).  At any rate, they kind of poked fun of me for it.

Sarah brought up how I’m going to “afford” to buy her a car if I’m only doing resale right now, saying, “How are you going to afford to buy her a car someday when you’re only selling shit,” and I said “I will make it happen; it will happen.”  I kind of changed the subject then when Kari (Jen’s girlfriend, my very first girlfriend) somewhat unexpectedly arrived because I felt embarrassed.  I was already embarrassed talking about it all because I knew they didn’t take me seriously.

I told them to watch the Notebook, and stated that I was (am) the “guy” in the notebook, and it’s not make-believe… they probably think I am delusional, I wouldn’t put it past them.  Sarah made a comment about how I knew Ash had gone to visit Mudlavia on my birthday, and I stated that I had seen it online… I didn’t want to tell her that I saw it through one of Ashley’s friends, but I did because she phished for information.

I told her that Crystal had told me that Ash is straight now, and so I clicked on the first guy on Ash’s friend list, and ironically it ended up being her current boyfriend, or what looks to be her boyfriend… and that in the pictures it showed them at Mudlavia.  That’s the truth – I didn’t look at any of her other friends… I clicked on his name because the few times I’ve gone to Ash’s page, he always shows up.

Anyway, I am afraid now what they (mostly Sarah, but Jen, too, I guess) will say to Ashley.  I asked both of them to kindly not say anything to her for fear of embarrassed on both my part and Ashley’s part, and Sarah said “Ok.”  I know how she is though and she will say something.  She will say something just to stir shit up.  She likes drama.  All I want to do is talk to Ashley again.

Like the song:  “Till the sky falls down” by Dash Berlin

“All I need is one good answer

To understand why you are gone”

It doesn’t make any sense why Ashley would cut me off out of nowhere and yet she claims that I still have “feelings” for her as if she doesn’t!  She is clearly denying them, but we will just keep it at that.  If that’s where she is right now with herself and in her growth, I will respect.  But I am allowed to talk about it, I just don’t know whether or not I can trust Jen and Sarah to not say anything.  It’s a shame I can’t talk to Ashley herself about this.

And I do have a life outside of Ashley, trust me… I work 60+ hours a week for myself.  I literally bust my ass, and though it’s hard work, I love having the freedom and flexibility of setting my own hours.  Anyway, this whole thing just seems absurd.  I’m probably better off keeping my feelings to myself and reserving them for my journal.  I truly do believe in a strong element of fate, and I know that when something is supposed to happen, it will.  I am going to (this is my plan) continue to live my life, “One day at a time” as Alanon puts it (Alanon can be credited for a tremendous amount of my growth) and see what happens.

I just wanted to get this out there.  I don’t even want to know what lies ahead for me.   I am trying to stay positive, but I know without a doubt that Sarah (and possibly) Jen are going to say something to Ash, which will likely sabotage any chance I may ever have at being friends with her again.

I know that my feelings of ambiguity will lessen over time as the universe (my Higher Power) provides me with more clarity about myself and others.  I know that I will continue to grow and learn and make the right choices for myself.  In the meantime, I will continue living my life and learning to trust myself and lean more on my Higher Power rather than others.

The Fray – Heartbeat


This is my new favorite song :)

The Fray – “Heartbeat”

We’re on an open bed truck on the highway
The rain is coming down and we’re on the run
Think I can feel the breath in your body
We gotta keep on running ’til we see the sun

Oh you got a fire and it’s burning in the rain
Thought that it went out, but it’s burning just the same
And you don’t look back, not for anything
‘Cause if you love someone, you love them all the same
If you love someone, you love them all the same

Oh, I feel your heartbeat
And you’re coming around, coming around, coming around
If you can love somebody, love them all the same
You gotta love somebody, love them all the same
Singing, oh, I feel your heartbeat

I’m trying to put it all back together.
I’ve got a story and I’m trying to tell it right.
I got the kerosene and a desire.
I’m trying to start a flame in the heart of the night

Oh you got a fire and it’s burning in the rain
Thought that it went out, but it’s burning just the same
And you don’t look back, not for anything
‘Cause if you love someone, you love them all the same
If you love someone, you love them all the same

Oh, I feel your heartbeat
And you’re coming around, coming around, coming around
If you can love somebody, love them all the same
You gotta love somebody, love them all the same
Singing, oh, I feel your heartbeat

Ooh, ooh
I know the memories are rushing into mind
I wanna kiss your scars tonight, baby
‘Cause you gotta try
You gotta let me in
Let me in

Oh, I feel your heartbeat
And you’re coming around, coming around, coming around
You gotta love somebody
You got, you gotta love somebody
You got, you got
Oh, I feel your heartbeat

Oh yeah, oh yeah
Heartbeat

March 17th, 2011. Running through my head…


I have had this song in my head all day, from the very moment I woke up, so I figured it was worth posting :P

 

“Mockingbird” by Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20.

Here we stand
Somewhere in between this moment and the end
Will we bend
Or will we open up and take this whole thing in

Everybody else is smiling
Man, their smiles don’t fade
You don’t even wonder why
You just don’t think that way

Maybe you and me got lost somewhere
We can’t move on and we can’t stay here
Maybe we’ve just had enough
Well, maybe we ain’t meant for this love

You and me tried everything
But still that mockingbird won’t sing
Man this life seems hard enough
Well, maybe we ain’t meant for this love

Take my hand
I will lead you through the broken promise land
Yes I can, oh, yes I can
I can be there when you need it
I’ll give it all ’til you can’t feel it anymore

I don’t wanna love you now
If you’ll just leave some day
I don’t wanna turn around
If you’ll just walk away

February 10th, 2011. Valentine’s Day preparation.


I am working on putting together a Valentine’s Day mixed cd right now for someone special and this song has come to mind…

“Straight From The Heart”

I could start dreamin’ but it never ends
As long as you’re gone we may as well pretend
I’ve been dreamin’
Straight from the heart

You say it’s easy but who’s to say
That we’d be able to keep it this way
But it’s easier
Straight from the heart

Just give it to me straight from the heart…
Tell me we can make another start
You know I’ll never go
As long as I know
It’s comin’ straight from the heart

I’ll see you on the street some other time
And all our words would just fall out of line
I was dreamin’
Straight from the heart

Just give it to me straight from the heart
Tell me we can make another start
You know I’ll never go
As long as I know
It’s coming straight from the heart

Give it to me straight from the heart
Tell me we can make one more start
You know I’ll never go
As long as I know
It’s coming straight from the heart

-Written by Bryan Adams