Crazy coincidences…


So curiosity has struck me because I keep seeing “Illinois” plates EVERYWHERE, and Erin suggested that it might be Ashley “thinking” about me.  This started on Memorial Day, and it’s been nuts – like, they will randomly jump out in front of me and are literally EVERYWHERE.  Anyway, so tonight, I can’t remember what prompted me, I googled Ashley’s name and stuff with her mother came up.  Before I go there, I wanted to say that it said Ash lives in Chicago… “Mylife” pretty much reveals everywhere you have lived… it even mentioned that Ash lived in Wisconsin..

So a few things… first off, I think it is very eerie that Ashley’s mom was on the news a couple years ago and traded in her silver dollars… when I literally collect them and buy them off people.  I literally (call it “luck” or what – actually, I think it’s karma, because I had some stolen from me in the past) paid $22 for 3 of them, and they together are worth $2,000.  The guy at the Fairgrounds said that he thought they were “fake,” but they turned out to be real!

Anyway, so here’s the news article I found with Teresa (Ash’s mother) selling them:  http://www.wlfi.com/dpp/on_the_money/people-seeking-alternative-ways-to-find-extra-holiday-cash  She got ripped off MAJORLY by the way, but that’s another story.  I collect them, and I would have given her $50 a piece for them!  Some of them can be worth good money.

Excited by what I had discovered, I bravely and likely in vain, sent Teresa a Facebook message that reads:

  • Emily A Cox
  • 21 minutes ago

    • Teresa,

      Hey, I saw your news article on the news. I actually buy silver dollar coins for $50 a piece. It looks like you sold quite a few! If you get anymore, I will buy them off of you.

      I hope you have been doing well, there are some great changes at Twkyenham! The pool is about to open, and I am super excited!

      I had a dream that you got a house! I hope you are doing well, and enjoying your new place.

      -Emily A Cox”

Anyway, then the saddest thing came up… and I have been thinking about, and have actually thought about this, several times… Ashley’s dearest grandmother… she passed away… exactly what I was afraid of.  Article:  http://hosting-5049.tributes.com/show/Ruth-M.-Leader-91169949

I want to apologize to Ashley for not being there… I didn’t have any idea she had passed sine Ashley cut me off right around the time of this article… if I had known that, I would have literally, flown to this funeral and been there with Ashley.  I am not exaggerating; I would do anything for that woman, and to support her… her grandmother was such a beautiful, nice, strong woman.  She died around the time Ashley and I met… “March.”  Granted, 8 years later.  Still, I do not remember the last time that I heard from Ashley…

The last conversation I had with her was while I was at the mall in New Jersey with Erin shopping for Mac’s… we had gone to the Mac store, then to the Disney store (for Erin), then to a food equipment store, and I had called Ashley somewhere in between… I think in the Disney store… and I had told her that I would be going to South Korea to teach English.  I am not sure of the month, but I honestly think it was right around the time her grandmother had passed… I had/have never heard from Ashley since, except that she no longer wanted to talk with me should my “feelings” come between her and a “future” relationship.

I wish I had the email from Ashley that she sent me departing our own ways, but I don’t… I closed the account… I might actually have it in a blog, I would have to check… Irregardless, I am shocked to learn that her grandmother passed, and I am more saddened than anything to have not been able to be a part of Ashley’s support during this trying phase, especially since she was there when my father passed away.

Article #2:  http://www.journalreview.com/obituaries/article_1a760b4c-534c-11e0-95d8-001cc4c03286.html

I just signed the guestbook… I will probably go and pay my respects and put flowers on her grave soon.

Some errie coincidences are coming up with this search… As I posted in a previous entry, I had a dream that Teresa bought a house… well, on one of the searches it says a house was either sold or purchased on April 21st 2012 to Teresa via Majestic Homes – IF it’s the same Teresa!  Weird weird weird… I do not have a connection like this with anyone else… the only two other experiences I have had were with my stray cat, “Buckeye,” 15 years ago and my ex, Jen… so strange.  Only Ashley.

THEN the woman who baptized me (My mother’s BEST friend) comes up: Dr. Sally Downham Miller – AEI Speakers Bureau, still in the “Teresa” search… what the hell! …ofall people!  Creepy!  Yeah… “Majestic HOME” sale:

2450 Estancia Lane Majestic Custom Homes of Lafayette Inc. Teresa A. Hull 3/15/2012 Lafayette $155,450.00 $300.00

2450 Estancia Lane… I am sorry, but this cannot get any creepier.  I dream of this woman… well, Ashley, not her mother, obviously ;)  …although, as I said, I dreamt that she purchased a house… in fact, I honestly want to go back and see when I dreamt it, because it may (actually, it was) right around the time that she purchased it!  I mean, I have had dreams of Ashley, where I am screaming her name… like, waking up and screaming her name.  I had one dream like this, and it was extremely powerful and intense.

I also had a dream that Ashley was coming to visit home, and sure enough, she did!  …the next day!  Erin swears we are meant to be.  Anyway, I have to go check this out.  As for everything else going on, a lot.  Re-instated, I picked up a part-time job to help supplement some money until South Korea next year :)  1 year in Korea, and I should be in a much better financial position!

Okay, ta ta!

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Yes, I just know…


I have gained 10 lbs since Ashley moved out “officially” April 5th.  I chalk it up to not walking past her apartment anymore – that, and depression.  I am clearly depressed now that she is gone… I really had hopes for us.  Tonight I posted on my Facebook:  “I am 100% certain that you are the person I want to be with, and if you were here right now, I would, without a doubt, ask you to marry me, and I don’t think I would regret that decision. I am here when the time is right. Whatever form you come back in my life, I will be here, waiting.”

I really miss her… I also sent her a picture of the moon:

because it’s supposed to be a full moon tonight…  I honestly don’t even know whether or not she receives my messages.  People will probably think I am crazy, but then again, they probably also think that Noah in the Notebook was crazy.  I definitely share his mentality.

I am not one to give up when I know in my heart that something is right, and note I said “heart,” not my head.  Ashley is not somebody I think I want, I know in my heart that the relationship is right for me, and it’s a conviction.

I am certainly open to other relationships and am not closing myself off to the chance of love or loving another, but I know that Ashley and I could be happy together… fulfilled.  I have learned my lesson and learned from the mistakes of yesterday… 9 years ago.

Noah in the Notebook waited over 7 years for Allie… It has been 9 years, and I am still waiting on Ashley to return… the difference is that her and I have stayed in contact since we broke up.  She just hasn’t talked to me for a year and a half… she randomly cut me out of her life out of nowhere.

Anyway, I just wanted to express a little tonight.  I am going to go work out now on my favorite work out machine – the row machine :-)

May 5th, 2011. Doubts, insecurities, compatibility.


I feel like Ashley did right now with Crystal… constantly frustrated and stifled, yet hopelessly holding on.  Erin brought up the song the other day “All the same” by the Sick Puppies.

She was feeling insecure.  Now I feel this way and have this song blaring through my head.  Erin basically expressed doubt in us last night while and after we were intimate.  I hate this push/pull with her.  It’s very frustrating, and she sends off mixed signals.  She is never clear with what she wants or feels especially, and I am honestly not even sure if she knows what she wants sometimes.

She said something that I have unfortunately heard many times before — “we’re ‘too different.'”  Why is it these free-spirited women keep telling me that we’re “too different?”  They are strangely attracted to me and yes, our differences, yet at the same time they long for more, someone more like themselves, ie: on the “same page?”  I don’t get it.

She says that I need to have everything planned… that I want to spend certain time together whereas she would rather be more casual and just go out and come home when she “pleases.”  Obviously, but in my eyes, things — at least for me, don’t work that way.  At least not with her, or her type of personality… I want and need consistency with her because there has been so little of it.  Not to mention, there are some MAJOR trust issues between us because of her lying to me about things.  She rationalizes and justifies her behavior.

At any rate, she wants to just be able to do “what she wants, when she wants,” and doesn’t care about the time that it will take as long as she’s having a good time.  This is great for some people, but others let the fun carry away with them and get the best of them.  I have been really “lax” so-to-speak about Erin going out before and what ends up happening is she ends up drunk and out until really late.  I will not bring up her past, but lets be honest, that concerns me, too.

At any rate, the times that she has gone “out,” she pushes for more and more.  And then she meets people, lesbians, etc. who also want to go out and share the raunchy sense of humor she has, etc. while I am at home like a family “man,” or even if I’m out with friends for the evening, but I have to worry about things.  Or nevertheless, I do worry.  Yes, I have my abandonment fears, too.  Yes, I worry about promiscuity with her.  I am not a “free-spirit” when it comes to sex, partying, and drugs.  Erin says that stuff is in her past, but there are some personality traits that do not change and are always underneath the “surface” so-to-speak.

I don’t know, maybe I am in part afraid, but that’s based off past experiences with her — over 3 years just about, and off intuition, etc.  I am really trying here to just let her do her own thing, but there is so little trust.  I am generally a very trusting and optimistic person and so when that’s gone it’s bad, but even then, I am still willing to try.  Time and time again she has shown me that she cannot follow-through on what she says.  Even when we have been unable to be “intimate” for reasons which I will not mention here for the sake of privacy, she has disregarded these serious precautions and said “To the hell with it, lets go!”  I am sorry, but when my health and so much more is put at risk, I am not just going to “go to town!”

At any rate, she feels put on a “short leash,” but in my mind, it’s a making of her own behavior.  I am not this enemy, but she feels “strangled.”  Okay… I do not know what to say to that.  She feels strangled, and I feel uninspired.  Alright, so I can find inspiration somehow via friends and local events and she can somehow get her freedom back via building trust, ie: showing dependability, which she is unable to do.  She is late all of the time, pushes to be out later, etc., and so to put it simply, I constantly feel walked on.  I need reliability and since none was formed in the beginning, it needs to happen now so I can chill out!

She wants all of these privileges after she has abused multiple ones.  When trust is betrayed multiple times, it is not just all of a sudden “better.”  There isn’t a magical solution.  You can’t just “put it ‘behind’ you.”  Trust me, we have tried that so many times… The thing is, I am willing to give her a fair chance, but it’s not enough for her — she wants to be let off the string entirely.  Erin has issues with commitment.  I have issues with trust.  Well, we both have issues with trust lol, but she trusts me.  I have not hurt her.

I want to be able to give her the freedom she desires, but I honestly wonder if we will ever achieve a fair balance.  She works herself to death and then comes home and wants to spend the entire evening by and with herself — she doesn’t want to spend time cuddling or watching a movie.  She seems to not need or desire that “intimate” time together — that time was short-lived.  I miss that closeness and connection, which lasted maybe about 2 months in the beginning of our relationship.  I am a long-term person, not short-term.  I am not just about the thrill of the “chase.”

I am going to try and cope with the doubts she expressed to me last night to the best of my ability.

April 27th, 2011. Innocence and purity.


Why is it that innocence dissipates as people grow older?  I cannot tell you how often I witness this… where relationships are tainted… they’re full of comparisons, expectations, demands, etc.  Every GLBTQ (queer) event I go to everyone has “been” with everyone and everyone is talking dirty… I hate it.  I honestly wonder if the innocence exists anymore, anywhere?

I dream of a love where it is like brand new… where, yes, we’ve had past lovers, but those relationships are no longer baggage for us — where the ego has been removed and exists something spiritual — where comparisons are non-existent and we are just in the moment, together, fully surrendered.  I know I am not “dreaming.”  I know this is possible because I am this way… in that I have retained the innocence…

Perhaps I am being vague… It’s hard to describe, and I may not be able to until I have been out more and experienced more, yet being out more just seeks to disappoint me as I witness more of it.  I do not even relate to the gay community.  Not here anyway… much less in Indianapolis, the closest city to where I grew up, etc.  I think I am a different kind of “gay” person.  I don’t have that crude rawness.  I am not into joking about how many bitches I’ve “banged,” strip clubs I’ve gone to (none by the way), etc.

The “innocence” I am describing is more than just this… I cannot articulate it at the moment.  The best advice I can give is to google “Tarot card 17 the Star” — that is my card.  Here is a description of it:

Star – Tarot Card Meaning:

The star represents the confidence of youth. The young girl is innocent in life, full of hope and inspiration. She is in anticipation of what will be. Want to find (or regain) a sense of meaning, inspiration, or purpose to your life and hope your future will be better than your past. It’s the call of destiny that motivates you or compels you to go on. Your desire is NOT in vain, and that which you are yearning for will ultimately find fulfilment.

Courage, hope, and inspiration are in your life. Great love will be given and received. Wisdom, spiritual enlightenment, progress toward goals and knowing what these goals are.

-Biddy Tarot.

Basically it’s about pureness… renewal… innocence… looking at things with an open-ended curiosity and freshnessI long to have this connection with someone… and I must say that it’s rare.  ie, selflessness, honesty… truth.  Revealingness.  Vulnerability.  Willingness — These are things I would die for… to have.  I often speak in my poems of missing the “life” I never had.  “Too many years wasted” — it’s a shame.  My [trust] has been broken, and I need to surrender to something — perhaps spirit?  My tendency is to surrender to another and then I am devastated.

Trust is rare and is a precious gift… it should not be underestimated.  I want to meet other beautiful, innocent souls like myself — people who care, people who are genuine.  I miss that freedom.  My ex Jen, despite all of our troubles and ups and downs with her alcohol issues, had this innocence I speak of… it was young and pure… a natural curiosity about the world and an untainted body.  We shared a connection that no one could take away or defy.  When she was not drinking and we were “connected” it was there.  I could feel her.  She was open, open to learning and experiencing, to life.

Erin is closed off.  I am now closed off.  I try to open up, but inside I feel like a shriveled up grapeThe spark, the inspirational — all has died.  I don’t write as much anymore, I don’t do photography… or make art like I used to, or listen to music the way I used to… I don’t even go to concerts.  I don’t enjoy parks.  I am depressed and lonely.  I am disconnected from my, the spiritual source — the very thing that feeds and nourishes a soul/spirit.

I will end with saying, there isn’t any truth in a lieMust we die twice before we’re officially dead?  And only then can we be resurrected, “born again?”  Faith, my card — The Star.  May she rebirth…

March 19th, 2011. May the fate prevail -step-by-step.


I met up today with Albert after he got off work and we talked about our lives and updated each other.  He told me about his son and vented his troubles, hopes, fears, etc. he’s been having with him, and I told him about how my mother talked my step-father out of helping me financially with my treatment for lyme disease and how my biological father insists I help myself because he claims to not have the extra money right now; mind you, he is paying megabucks for an overseas dating service and flying all over the world looking for a new, young, bright, wife in his new, hot convertible.

Albert and I concluded that I am pretty much on my own, and it’s a shame.  It honestly is really sad.  He said that there’s something seriously wrong with my “family,” but then again, we have known this.  He also said he feels this may be part of the reason Erin is taking advantage of me.  He said (he is from another country) that when men realize their wife is on their own and that their family does not support them, they look down on them and start taking advantage of them.  I told him that it should be the opposite of that, and that if the family does not support the partner, the partner should be mindful of that.  At any rate, that is not the case.

With that being said, I am in a dependent situation due to my poor health, and am not receiving any support from all directions.  I have fortunately thought up a plan, and I am going to try my hardest to stick to it.  It goes like this:

1.  Treatment
2.  Job
3.  Home
4.  Support
5.  Vision

Basically my treatment recovery comes first before all else.  I need to get myself back to a place where I can be able to work again and be productive so that I can eventually get out on my own, in an area (community) that I can be proud of, ie: Burlington, North Carolina, California, etc.  Likely Burlington or North Carolina.  I have never lived in North Carolina, but if it’s anything like Vermont I think I would be happy there.  I love trees and mountains and liberalism.

At any rate, then will come the vision, which I believe as long as I take all of the right steps in the right direction, will fulfill itself.  I will be happy — in my family and career.  I will be in a place of optimal productivity — this is the plan.  I fully believe in this plan and do not see there being a problem as long as I take the necessary steps that I need to to get better.

I wanted to share these 3 videos, in this order, because they just came to mind:



I have never really experienced love.  It is just a concept.  It is sad that I do not have a family that I can reach out to — that both sides of my family have basically left me estranged.  There must be a lesson in all of this because sometimes the tragedy is such an atrocity that shakes me at my very core that it doesn’t even seem worth living.  It’s a hard “pill to swallow.”  I have thus turned to friends as “family” and unfortunately many of the “friends” I have chosen have taken advantage of me and partners unfit to be partners.

What this all comes down to for me is self-respect.  I will have to do it on my own and see what I am made of.  I believe this is character-building.  I am being shaped, and there is a lesson to learn.  I am strong, and I am also compassionate.  I am outspoken and have a strength and tenacity that is rare.  I am strong and vulnerable at the same time.  I am capable.  I am a survivor and will excel and succeed in my own right.  I will set-forth standards for myself and follow them.  Ashley was right when she said, “Emily your core issue that you can do it alone..but don’t believe that you can.”

“Life Of My Own” by 3 Doors Down.

Living risky,
never scared, wander
Closer to the edge
Nothing valued think no fear,
Always wondering why you’re here
All your purposes are gone, nothing’s
Right and nothing’s wrong
Nothing ventured, nothing gained
Feel no sorrow, feel no pain
Kiss me while I’m still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms,
Let me live and let me learn
Now I’ll follow my own way, and I’ll
Live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice,
Remember when this was my life
Looking forward, not behind
Everybody’s got to cross that line
Free me now to give me a place,
Keep me caged and free the beast
Falling faster, time goes by,
Fear is not seen through these eyes
What there was will never be,
Now I’m blind and cannot see
Kiss me while I’m still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms, let me
Live and let me learn
Now I’ll follow my own way, and I’ll
Live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice,
Remember when this was my life
Kiss me while I’m still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms, let me
Live and let me learn
Now I’ll follow my own way,
And I’ll live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice,
Remember when this was my life.

The – my vision is what will carry me.  In this “sink or swim” world, I will swim.  “They’ll have to beat it out of me,” I think to myself.  I will surrender only to one thing – God.  I will submit only to God and under “good orderly” direction, those trusted – far few and in-between.  The human spirit is resilient.

I have never had a family, and it is that very thing that motivates me.  I am like a star too hard to follow.  I will chart my own path and leave dust.  “Chalk it up.”  I have what it takes -I am capable of getting out of this position and moving to a position of greater freedom and happiness.  I want to pray to God right now.  “God, whatever I have done to deserve ill, poor health, I am sorry.  Please allow me to learn the lesson so that I can move on and do something good with my life.”

“Looking forward, not behind
Everybody’s got to cross that line
Free me now to give me a place,
Keep me caged and free the beast” – 3 Doors Down.

No one will hold me down.  I will prevail.  I will take this step-by-step, day-by-day to free myself from this mess, this cage, this “mess” that I have got myself in.  I know that there is a lesson, spiritual in nature, for me to learn.  I will learn it, and I will move forward.

March 3rd, 2011. Boundaries. Clashes. Values.


It’s time that I put up boundaries with Erin because I am not about to be fooled again.  I feel like I am getting played, and I have felt this way off and on for months now; realistically, a couple of yearsShame on me for not walking away. Denial is what brings me right “back” again, into the loop… the vicious cycle.  She is bulshit.  Everything about her.  I hate her and how she lies through her teeth.  She gets off on deceiving people.  She even deceives herself.  The problem is I get caught up every time and give in.  I call her a push over, and most of the time she is, yet I am a push over for not walking away.  I guess I am scared to.  My heart is too intertwined.  I hate it.

Every time I gain some momentum she pulls me back again with her sweetness… she gets physically close to me and it causes me to “believe” things have changed.  Wrong.

I am only fooling and deceiving myself.  She is still the same cruel, heartless, distant, cold, insensitive, selfish, and calculating person she is.  My poem reads, “There isn’t any ‘love’ in goodbye,” which indicates how hard (difficult) it has been for me to walk away from unhealthy attachments.

I guess the messages that we learn in childhood can either keep us imprisoned or we can break out of them somehow.

How do we free ourselves?  What is the ‘glue’ that holds us together?  If denial then denial of what?  Where is this ‘landmine’ I have stepped on, if such an invisible barrier?  How can I learn to recognize it?  The red

flags?  Those things that we are supposed to keep our eyes wide-open to?  See, I saw them, but I was so used to them from my mother and previous relationships that I overlooked them, passing them off as something I “haven’t already handled.” The fact is, she became too good at her game, and unfortunately I lost mine.  Now I am stuck in a battle — a no-win situation, and I have clearly lost.  Myself.

I am ready and desiring to reclaim myself.  First comes the boundaries:

So when she comes at me and wants to tear down my walls:

What do I do?  Do I just stand there?  Take it?  The solution would be to walk away, but “how” I ask, do you walk away from the only thing (false love, ie: narcissistic love) you’ve ever known?  And when real love should present itself, how do you trust it?  If trust is shattered and you have been stripped of your dignity, then how can you trust again?  …how can you even trust yourself when your natural instinct has been deceived?

I want to hang Erin against a wall… what I mean by this is I want to see her held accountable for her actions, as I am so tired of her getting herself off the hook and sweet talking herself out of everything, including her stupid accident which was near-death and drug/substance-induced which she nearly killed someone and was able to talk her way out of getting alcohol/drug tested by the on-scene police officer!  I am angry at her for her “I’ll do ‘whatever I want, ‘when’ I want attitude” at the expense of others.  She’s a fucking antisocial (sociopath) woman.  I do not trust her for the life of me and nobody should because she’s hype and glee one day and a cruel, calculated witch the next.

I am sick and tired of this shit, and I am once again “packing my bags,” both figuratively and literally.  I have stuff all over my room right now sorted into different containers once again trying to figure out what I “need” and don’t need.  I do not trust my stability/security, ie: Erin and Rick’s home.  I do not trust Erin — as we have already established.

“Kicked around,” “Played with,” “Punched,” “Lied to,” “Deceived” — You name it, I have been.  It has happened to me.  I am sick and tired of it and am trying to develop standards for myself so that I can get the hell out of here.  I must admit having a car will make it a lot easier!  I am going to try my best not to lose my car and hope to God that my funds are not as low as I anticipated.  I am going to honestly, somehow have to “pull up my bootstraps” and fly.  I cannot wait-stay here; it is not healthy for me.  We have known (already established) this, yet I am pretty thick-sculled because my heart is hurting so bad that I don’t want to face the grief (another loss added to the many others that I have had trouble grieving) to deal with.

Apparently I have a hard time with grief, and maybe I choose to become locked into these patterns to avoid having to face it.  The harsh reality is I am going to have to face it because there will soon come a point where I am on my own officially.  Honestly, a part of me wants to be on my own, as scary and frightening as that might seem… It’s a challenge for sure; however, being/living in Philly is not a challenge… it is downright scary.  There isn’t any “challenge” in an area that is unsafe, as I have zero interest in living in an area that is unsafe.

I am interested in living in an area where I can grow and reach and aspire to be my best.  I do not want to have to worry about my back, which I feel like in Philly you can’t do anything but that, and it doesn’t help that that is the impression Erin feeds me daily.  I do not want to have to live my life that way… To be quite honest, if it wasn’t for Erin I would not even be in Philadelphia.  I came here namely for the relationship… to continue it because I wanted things to be okay… and I believed her when she said that all she needed was her “family” and that everything would be “alright.”  Wrong.  It got worse.

I took the bait.  At any rate, I choose on some level, whether subconsciously or consciously, to come to Philly.  Some part of me chose — maybe the underdeveloped part of myself that longs for a “family.”  The sad fact is, “family” to me is not the kind of family I want in my life… it’s narcissistic.  I don’t want narcissistic “love” in my life.  I want real love, and it starts with myself… so the reality is I have to get away from here.  I need to leave.  This place doesn’t do me any good, and it’s only hurting me (worse) being here.  It’s only reinforcing the false internalized belief that I am not loveable or respectable or worthy.

I can’t determine my worth anymore in the eyes of others… not in those who are unworthy of my love, time, attention, and respect.  I cannot allow myself to be walked on.  Thus, I need to put up boundaries; it is absolutely necessary for my health and survival.  I need to start now.  As hard as it might seem/be, I need to, because I cannot continue to live a lie and live a life that does not serve (enrich) me.  I am wasting precious, valuable opportunities… I cannot let a thief bring me down… I cannot let him/her rob me of my soul.  Life is a precious jewel, and I want to treat it that way.  I will not short-change myself.

January 8th, 2011. Reflections on last blog video.


I think when things are too stressful we look outside ourselves for fulfillment.  For me, I tend to not engage in the act of cheating, but I will fantasize about greener pastures.  In other words, when I am unhappy I escape into my imagination, and I am not referring to sexual fantasies or anything explicit, but just simply being in another place –a happier place.  For instance, the previous entry with the video on Christmas was a lonely and excruciating event/place emotionally for me.

I was with Erin and we were fighting and as always I was met with harshness, coldness, and indifference, and it was Christmas — the whole situation just seemed unreal.  It seemed unreal yet it didn’t because I thought to myself, “I’ve endured this now for, what, years? It should not come as a surprise.”  But of course there’s always that idealistic thinking, “Things could, or will be, ‘different’ this year.”  It’s magical, illusionary thinking.  It was Christmas, and we didn’t even have a tree… the spirit was devoid.  It was non-existent.  At any rate, the “Another lonely Christmas” song by Prince came on and temporarily made everything “better” because it took me to a place where I was happier… it reminded me of Ashley, and then my old friends… and life…

Of course those times have passed, but I cannot help but think and retain the hope (ideal, belief) that one day things can be just as good, if not better, than they were before.  If it takes until the day I die, until my very last breath, I will retain the idea that things can be better, and I will continually strive and work towards that.  I am not about to give up on my “dream” of having a better life.  I just won’t.  I will take the risks, and I will fall from time-to-time, but I will always pick myself back up with the help of God (HP), and I will survive.  I see myself and the human race as resilient.  I believe we are capable of healing and stretching ourselves, mentally, physically, spiritually.  I believe that humans are made to shine and to help and empower one another.  That we are meant to be one “big family.”

I don’t like to see people left out, and yet strangely enough, I myself am left out… it’s funny that what I want I don’t have, yet it is that very sense of lack (missing piece) that keeps me striving.  I am determined to move forward with great strides and am tenacious.  I love deeply and am a strong person, and I will retain that belief of myself no matter how many times I’m knocked down.  I know that God (HP) is testing me and my faith.  I will try my best to open up my ears and my heart, and more importantly, my eyes, and seize an opportunity to accept a blessing should it present itself.  I know that I will be okay with the help of my HP on my side.

I just wanted to document my awareness of my tendency to fantasize to relieve stress/pressure.  I also wanted to say that I notice my idealistic tendencies now more than ever in this past entry.  Additionally, I am retaining the hopeful view that there is work out there for us idealists and a place for us.  After all, President Barrack Obama is an idealist!