Visiting grandma at the nursing home


Grandma in 2007, before being put in nursing care

Grandma in the nursing home I have been visiting my grandma at the nursing home a lot lately.  It’s really sad the state she is in… she has dementia/Alzheimer’s and stays locked up in her room all the time with the blinds shut.  Every time I walk in there it’s really dark and she is sitting up on the couch.  I always ask her if I can open the blinds and she says yes.  I let light in for her.  I show her this quilt that sits behind the couch she lays on and talk to her about it.  She likes the quilt and it keeps her conversational.  She doesn’t always remember her husband and she often gets names mixed up.  There has been one time, recently, that I saw her and she did remember her husband – his name, everything.  And she always remembers her mother’s name.

Anyway, I put lotion on her skin because she kept commenting on it – the 4 times we have visited her she has pointed to her dry skin and expressed discomfort.  The lotion we used today stunk, next time I am going to grab the “Vanilla Chamomile” from Bath and Body Works.

I miss my grandma… it’s really sad the condition she is in.  I want to take her outside next time I see her.  Erin and I are going to try.  We’re going to ask the staff if it’s okay and how to go about it.  If she wants, of course.  If not, we may just open her window for her so she can get some fresh air.

I notice she functions better when there isn’t a lot of clutter; her cognitive skills are better.

The nursing staff doesn’t really check on her… there are only 1-2 staff members on duty at once in a fairly large facility.  The food they get isn’t very good.

I want my grandma to have the best quality care possibly, who wouldn’t?  I want to make life the best for her while I am still here in Indiana.

After visiting her I am humbled… and I realize that what’s important to me is not important to her, or people as they get older.  It really makes you think about what matters.  Now I see why they say you should go volunteer at a nursing home or in hospice at some point in your life.  Visit enough and you’ll start to see what really matters.

My grandma has lived so many more years than me… I wish for her that she could remember… it’s just nice seeing her, and I know that it is a gift that she is still alive.  I will continue humbling myself each time I see her and trying to live out my dreams despite the fact that I know she is declining… meaning, her brain is going.  I wish that I had all the money in the world and could, at the very least, pay for her to get quality food, ie: Gerson – ie, raw, organic, 90% vegetables and fresh juiced drinks.

I will continue to see her.  Tomorrow I am going to go and see if we can take her outside.  Like I said, the very least, open up the window.  Oh, and I wonder how often they bathe/change her because she has the same exact outfit on from Thursday.  I won’t worry too much about what needs to be fixed at the expense of being in the moment.  I just want to be there for her and make her stay, and mine, as best as possible.

Crazy coincidences…


So curiosity has struck me because I keep seeing “Illinois” plates EVERYWHERE, and Erin suggested that it might be Ashley “thinking” about me.  This started on Memorial Day, and it’s been nuts – like, they will randomly jump out in front of me and are literally EVERYWHERE.  Anyway, so tonight, I can’t remember what prompted me, I googled Ashley’s name and stuff with her mother came up.  Before I go there, I wanted to say that it said Ash lives in Chicago… “Mylife” pretty much reveals everywhere you have lived… it even mentioned that Ash lived in Wisconsin..

So a few things… first off, I think it is very eerie that Ashley’s mom was on the news a couple years ago and traded in her silver dollars… when I literally collect them and buy them off people.  I literally (call it “luck” or what – actually, I think it’s karma, because I had some stolen from me in the past) paid $22 for 3 of them, and they together are worth $2,000.  The guy at the Fairgrounds said that he thought they were “fake,” but they turned out to be real!

Anyway, so here’s the news article I found with Teresa (Ash’s mother) selling them:  http://www.wlfi.com/dpp/on_the_money/people-seeking-alternative-ways-to-find-extra-holiday-cash  She got ripped off MAJORLY by the way, but that’s another story.  I collect them, and I would have given her $50 a piece for them!  Some of them can be worth good money.

Excited by what I had discovered, I bravely and likely in vain, sent Teresa a Facebook message that reads:

  • Emily A Cox
  • 21 minutes ago

    • Teresa,

      Hey, I saw your news article on the news. I actually buy silver dollar coins for $50 a piece. It looks like you sold quite a few! If you get anymore, I will buy them off of you.

      I hope you have been doing well, there are some great changes at Twkyenham! The pool is about to open, and I am super excited!

      I had a dream that you got a house! I hope you are doing well, and enjoying your new place.

      -Emily A Cox”

Anyway, then the saddest thing came up… and I have been thinking about, and have actually thought about this, several times… Ashley’s dearest grandmother… she passed away… exactly what I was afraid of.  Article:  http://hosting-5049.tributes.com/show/Ruth-M.-Leader-91169949

I want to apologize to Ashley for not being there… I didn’t have any idea she had passed sine Ashley cut me off right around the time of this article… if I had known that, I would have literally, flown to this funeral and been there with Ashley.  I am not exaggerating; I would do anything for that woman, and to support her… her grandmother was such a beautiful, nice, strong woman.  She died around the time Ashley and I met… “March.”  Granted, 8 years later.  Still, I do not remember the last time that I heard from Ashley…

The last conversation I had with her was while I was at the mall in New Jersey with Erin shopping for Mac’s… we had gone to the Mac store, then to the Disney store (for Erin), then to a food equipment store, and I had called Ashley somewhere in between… I think in the Disney store… and I had told her that I would be going to South Korea to teach English.  I am not sure of the month, but I honestly think it was right around the time her grandmother had passed… I had/have never heard from Ashley since, except that she no longer wanted to talk with me should my “feelings” come between her and a “future” relationship.

I wish I had the email from Ashley that she sent me departing our own ways, but I don’t… I closed the account… I might actually have it in a blog, I would have to check… Irregardless, I am shocked to learn that her grandmother passed, and I am more saddened than anything to have not been able to be a part of Ashley’s support during this trying phase, especially since she was there when my father passed away.

Article #2:  http://www.journalreview.com/obituaries/article_1a760b4c-534c-11e0-95d8-001cc4c03286.html

I just signed the guestbook… I will probably go and pay my respects and put flowers on her grave soon.

Some errie coincidences are coming up with this search… As I posted in a previous entry, I had a dream that Teresa bought a house… well, on one of the searches it says a house was either sold or purchased on April 21st 2012 to Teresa via Majestic Homes – IF it’s the same Teresa!  Weird weird weird… I do not have a connection like this with anyone else… the only two other experiences I have had were with my stray cat, “Buckeye,” 15 years ago and my ex, Jen… so strange.  Only Ashley.

THEN the woman who baptized me (My mother’s BEST friend) comes up: Dr. Sally Downham Miller – AEI Speakers Bureau, still in the “Teresa” search… what the hell! …ofall people!  Creepy!  Yeah… “Majestic HOME” sale:

2450 Estancia Lane Majestic Custom Homes of Lafayette Inc. Teresa A. Hull 3/15/2012 Lafayette $155,450.00 $300.00

2450 Estancia Lane… I am sorry, but this cannot get any creepier.  I dream of this woman… well, Ashley, not her mother, obviously ;)  …although, as I said, I dreamt that she purchased a house… in fact, I honestly want to go back and see when I dreamt it, because it may (actually, it was) right around the time that she purchased it!  I mean, I have had dreams of Ashley, where I am screaming her name… like, waking up and screaming her name.  I had one dream like this, and it was extremely powerful and intense.

I also had a dream that Ashley was coming to visit home, and sure enough, she did!  …the next day!  Erin swears we are meant to be.  Anyway, I have to go check this out.  As for everything else going on, a lot.  Re-instated, I picked up a part-time job to help supplement some money until South Korea next year :)  1 year in Korea, and I should be in a much better financial position!

Okay, ta ta!

April 9th, 2011. Youtube cutting off my videos!


I regret to inform everyone, but both of my videos recorded today youtube has cut off.  Additionally, youtube cut off the video before the last which is why I did not post it.  I have tried re-uploading these videos at least 5 times each, at different times and even on different days, and youtube still insists on cutting them off by 4 minutes so that the videos are only a little over a minute!  I am so sorry… I don’t know what else to do…

March 24th, 2011. The Vision — Will Carry Me.


People can think whatever they want about me, but the prejudice and adversity just causes me to prevail.  In other words, minus my health, I am not very discouraged by adversity and tribulation.  In fact, I consider myself to be resilient.  For the most part, I can easily bounce back from disappointments.

The vision I hold for myself is what fuels me. 

I believe that when the time is right I will go at it full-fledged.  I know that I have what it takes inside to accomplish anything I desire to achieve, but I also do believe in a certain element of fate, and accordingly, I believe that there is a time and place for certain things.  I am trying right now to heal carefully and not push my body beyond its physical limitations at any given moment, lest my chances of living a healthy, vital life are compromised.

Some — a small number of people that I have spoken with believe that I am living in a “fantasy” world with my vision and need to get “out” there.  I have tried to explain to them that the system/structure must be set in motion before I can proceed to carry out my plan.  I understand that the structure I create will not be flawless, as I do not believe in the idea of “perfection,” and I acknowledge that it will need adjustments, and I am aware of this; however, I am trying my best to devise it to the best of my ability before attempting to execute it.

Martin Luther King lead by Vision, and he has, for the longest time, been a role model of mine.  He has character and morals similar to my own.  Granted, I am much younger than him and also from a different time era, but we share similar values.  At any rate, we both shared an embodied vision of our future and both share a single-minded, determination in carrying out that vision.

I will work until my very last breath to fulfill this vision, for not ever having had it in my life accompanied by a spiritual nature is what drives me and fuels the fire.  I have a larger vision for myself and my family.  I am a simple person with simple needs and an intensely rich inner life.  I am interested in only the simplest but the richest ways of  living, from filling my body with nourishing, wholesome fruits and vegetables to getting adequate, quality sleep to meditating and exercising.

LIVING, BREATHING, WALKING, INSPIRING, CREATING

PURPOSE

Life, fire, water, air, and earth.  I need little in life but the basics and a few close friends.  My priorites are definitely being defined, and I am being shaped every minute.  I am interested in what’s important, not in maintain a superficial, artificial life.  I will harness my energies and prepare to release these energies adequately.  Once I have completely defined what I want I will simplify it, taking something very complicated and watering it down, but nevertheless not losing its quality or rich “nutrients.”

There is life that lives inside of me.  There is hope.  There is strength.  There is beauty.  I am interested in restoring faith — focusing on the big picture.  My primary motive is not money – a product of the ego that gets the best of so many individuals.
I am interested in maintaining and developing relationships — bridging the gap between the hearts of others and making peace.  I am a pacifist at heart.  Integrity is my God and honesty my strength.  I am interested in preservation– preserving the roots of community – immediate family and extended loved ones.

March 22nd, 2011. Simple living and structure :)


I believe in living a simple, but rich life.  I know my priorities and what’s important to me, and this in and of itself delivers richness.  As I have minimized and gotten rid of stuff, I have realized just how valuable life is.  I never used to look at life this way, but I am realizing now how we only live once.  It’s a shame when I see people on the streets cussing and treating their children and family bad (disrespectfully).  Life is not meant to be lived that way, for God, or our Higher Power put us here to connect, live, breathe, and share.  Every day I am prioritizing, and the act of prioritizing never gets old to me.  I enjoy it.

Soon, proven that my health improves, I will be able to make some very good money and be able to support myself and eventually a family.  Education, travel, fun, laughter… these are the things that matter to me.  I need flexibility and creativity when it comes to a job/career.  I cannot be stifled, and I need the work to have a creative component.  I am about to buy some plants for my bedroom; I am really excited.  Did you know that plants breathe oxygen?  Yes, they do =)

I can’t wait to nourish them and buy nice organic soil for them and to water them every day.  I am excited.  I am also excited to keep my cat groomed and even more excited to have him shaved again this summer!

Last summer:
He loves sitting in the window, and I love watching him.  I am glad that life is becoming a lot more simple for me, and I am excited to buy a bicycle soon.  Every day I am checking Craigslist to see what comes up.  I am really looking to buy a red, blue, or green — preferably blue (my favorite color aside from green ;)) Schwinn Varsity — women or men’s, although I would prefer to have the standard “men’s” bike with the straight-style bar across the top.

The bike owner said I need a “48cm” frame and a 28″ stand-over height bar; I am pretty short!  5’4 :P  Eh ;)  So right now I am working on (still — a never-ending project) minimizing, sorting, and re-arranging my room.  I think that I am living the life of the “Artist’s Way,” as I believe that others have gone down the same road.

I am excited to eventually have my “structure” be official so that I can start maximizing my personal happiness and success.  The structure will enable me to build a foundation in which to build a successful life.

Back to work!

March 19th, 2011. May the fate prevail -step-by-step.


I met up today with Albert after he got off work and we talked about our lives and updated each other.  He told me about his son and vented his troubles, hopes, fears, etc. he’s been having with him, and I told him about how my mother talked my step-father out of helping me financially with my treatment for lyme disease and how my biological father insists I help myself because he claims to not have the extra money right now; mind you, he is paying megabucks for an overseas dating service and flying all over the world looking for a new, young, bright, wife in his new, hot convertible.

Albert and I concluded that I am pretty much on my own, and it’s a shame.  It honestly is really sad.  He said that there’s something seriously wrong with my “family,” but then again, we have known this.  He also said he feels this may be part of the reason Erin is taking advantage of me.  He said (he is from another country) that when men realize their wife is on their own and that their family does not support them, they look down on them and start taking advantage of them.  I told him that it should be the opposite of that, and that if the family does not support the partner, the partner should be mindful of that.  At any rate, that is not the case.

With that being said, I am in a dependent situation due to my poor health, and am not receiving any support from all directions.  I have fortunately thought up a plan, and I am going to try my hardest to stick to it.  It goes like this:

1.  Treatment
2.  Job
3.  Home
4.  Support
5.  Vision

Basically my treatment recovery comes first before all else.  I need to get myself back to a place where I can be able to work again and be productive so that I can eventually get out on my own, in an area (community) that I can be proud of, ie: Burlington, North Carolina, California, etc.  Likely Burlington or North Carolina.  I have never lived in North Carolina, but if it’s anything like Vermont I think I would be happy there.  I love trees and mountains and liberalism.

At any rate, then will come the vision, which I believe as long as I take all of the right steps in the right direction, will fulfill itself.  I will be happy — in my family and career.  I will be in a place of optimal productivity — this is the plan.  I fully believe in this plan and do not see there being a problem as long as I take the necessary steps that I need to to get better.

I wanted to share these 3 videos, in this order, because they just came to mind:



I have never really experienced love.  It is just a concept.  It is sad that I do not have a family that I can reach out to — that both sides of my family have basically left me estranged.  There must be a lesson in all of this because sometimes the tragedy is such an atrocity that shakes me at my very core that it doesn’t even seem worth living.  It’s a hard “pill to swallow.”  I have thus turned to friends as “family” and unfortunately many of the “friends” I have chosen have taken advantage of me and partners unfit to be partners.

What this all comes down to for me is self-respect.  I will have to do it on my own and see what I am made of.  I believe this is character-building.  I am being shaped, and there is a lesson to learn.  I am strong, and I am also compassionate.  I am outspoken and have a strength and tenacity that is rare.  I am strong and vulnerable at the same time.  I am capable.  I am a survivor and will excel and succeed in my own right.  I will set-forth standards for myself and follow them.  Ashley was right when she said, “Emily your core issue that you can do it alone..but don’t believe that you can.”

“Life Of My Own” by 3 Doors Down.

Living risky,
never scared, wander
Closer to the edge
Nothing valued think no fear,
Always wondering why you’re here
All your purposes are gone, nothing’s
Right and nothing’s wrong
Nothing ventured, nothing gained
Feel no sorrow, feel no pain
Kiss me while I’m still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms,
Let me live and let me learn
Now I’ll follow my own way, and I’ll
Live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice,
Remember when this was my life
Looking forward, not behind
Everybody’s got to cross that line
Free me now to give me a place,
Keep me caged and free the beast
Falling faster, time goes by,
Fear is not seen through these eyes
What there was will never be,
Now I’m blind and cannot see
Kiss me while I’m still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms, let me
Live and let me learn
Now I’ll follow my own way, and I’ll
Live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice,
Remember when this was my life
Kiss me while I’m still alive
Kill me while I kiss the sky
Let me die on my own terms, let me
Live and let me learn
Now I’ll follow my own way,
And I’ll live on to another damn day
Freedom carries sacrifice,
Remember when this was my life.

The – my vision is what will carry me.  In this “sink or swim” world, I will swim.  “They’ll have to beat it out of me,” I think to myself.  I will surrender only to one thing – God.  I will submit only to God and under “good orderly” direction, those trusted – far few and in-between.  The human spirit is resilient.

I have never had a family, and it is that very thing that motivates me.  I am like a star too hard to follow.  I will chart my own path and leave dust.  “Chalk it up.”  I have what it takes -I am capable of getting out of this position and moving to a position of greater freedom and happiness.  I want to pray to God right now.  “God, whatever I have done to deserve ill, poor health, I am sorry.  Please allow me to learn the lesson so that I can move on and do something good with my life.”

“Looking forward, not behind
Everybody’s got to cross that line
Free me now to give me a place,
Keep me caged and free the beast” – 3 Doors Down.

No one will hold me down.  I will prevail.  I will take this step-by-step, day-by-day to free myself from this mess, this cage, this “mess” that I have got myself in.  I know that there is a lesson, spiritual in nature, for me to learn.  I will learn it, and I will move forward.

March 17th, 2011. The vision for myself and my family, just the beginning….


“I gotta get this ball rolling,” I tell myself.  Life.  Future.  Family.  Life for self and family.  Educational opportunities.  Travel.  Culture.  Experience(s).  “There is a ‘life’ out there waiting for me,” I tell myself.  “I will not let my sickness tear me down,” I tell myself.

“WE can do this — myself and my higher power.”  God will help me.

This vision will become a success for me if I listen carefully (to guidance) and know when to surrender my ego (willpower).

Family, success, travel, education, opportunity.  What I want for my family I need to be able to provide for myself.  My community means a lot to me.  My dreams, once fulfilled, will include the community at large.

Money flows.  I do not need or want a lot, and I would like for it to always be moving.  Energetically, flowing — in and out.  I am interested in using it to create resources for others (and my family).

Build a plan.  Will be myself (and family) a house.  I am honored to be a part of other’s lives.  Life itself is a precious gift.  This is the way I look at life.  I love with all of my heart.  When I trust, it’s solid.  Trust is huge — very important to me.

I work best self-employed.  Cash flow, energy.  Travel — opportunities.  Growth.  Challenge.  Advancement, Career.

To take care of my family, to sacrifice.  I want to die self-sacrificially — my family knowing I was happy, did my best, and died doing what I loved.  She may not see it, but she soon will; she will always hold a special place in my heart.

Work, work, work, build, build, build… a tower.  A fortress.  Work/family/balance.  Instill.  Live.  Donate.  Change.  Move energy.  “I am strong enough,” says the self-dialog.  Based upon truth.  I was always honest with her.

Self-rescue mission.  Mission NOT impossible.  Mission is to live out plan.  Vision.  To carry out vision.  To envision and carry out, step-by-step approach.  To pursue, life-long jevity.  I will be making a list of those I owe and including it in my “plan” to pay each and every one of them off.

I am interested in living a successful and abundant life, free where I can travel and create opportunity, to inspire, give hope and inspiration.  To see.  What others do not.  My card, “17 The Star,” I am made, chosen to create.  I have been chosen.  I will give, selflessly of myself and my time, balancing resources and energy.

Family + Community mean the most to me.  To thrive.  To instill.  To provide life — life is precious.  Opportunities are like a squeezed lemon; do not waste them!  Seize every opportunity in life that is beneficial and in line-accordance with your beliefs and vision for yourself and your future.

“Make it your day –”  It’s your life, create it!