4/21/12 – Ashley and her mother dream

There are numbers that play again and again… last night I dreamnt of her.  This wouldn’t be the first time… Elliot Yamin, The Notebook, Titantic… all those things.  Anyway, I dreamnt last night that her mom got a divorce and bought a new house.  My deceased grandfather was even in the dream and the “Somebody I used to know” song by Goyte in the beginning.  Ashley and I didn’t talk at first because she was still stuck on gaining her mom’s approval, and her mom didn’t talk to me at first, but I slowly made conversation, and eventually she talked to me.  Ashley also eventually came around because her mom liked me.  Her mom and I talked about Alanon and going to church!  I think that’s funny because I actually left a book on her doorstep that’s Christian, but a book that women in Alanon use!   It was an attempt to finally make peace between us and a sign of respect and sincerity. Anyway, it was very interesting and touching… I saw Ashley in the dream and thought she was beautiful, and I respected her and was very graceful.  I truly cherished her.  Her mother learned to open up to me and started talking to me about things, and it was the beginning stages of her accepting that I might just actually be a good person (before, she always thought I was this huge bull-dyke who turned her daughter gay).

The dream moved me and opened up some doors.

Expression and boundaries

So I’m really embarrassed and kind of self-conscious.  I went to hang out with Jen tonight, Ashley’s ex.  On my way over there, she told me that “Koger” (My ex, Sarah) was going to stop by.  I figured, “Okay, whatever.”  I nonchalantly wrote it off, but I was really nervous because I felt (feel, rather) fat right now because my thyroid meds are off again – that, or my lyme disease has re-birthed itself.

Anyway, I was (am) still very self-conscious.  I am not sure what to think right now because I revealed some information to them that I may later regret, that might hurt the person I care about.  I revealed that I still kind of have feelings for my ex, Ashley, (their former best friend).  Sarah is still facebook friends with Ashley, and Jen could easily talk to her if she wanted.

At any rate, they poked fun at me tonight, and I could tell they weren’t taking it (my feelings) seriously.  I felt (feel) really raw and vulnerable right now.  I want to be able to let my feelings out, but I don’t know who to talk to, and I also don’t think I am articulating what I feel correctly.  I don’t “want” Ashley in the kind of way(s) that Sarah was joking about… it is not a lusty thing… I want to be friends with her again, honestly.  I want to do fun things together and talk (reminisce) about old times.  I want to start over again and just have a good time and talk for hours about people and life.

Tonight I was talking about things like buying her a car someday and possibly marrying her because she is the “one” for me (I know this without a doubt – that she is the kind of person that I want to be with, and I have never, literally, met anyone like her – similar to me, strong, beautiful, willful, and graceful, and have never come across another person that I feel the way I do when I’m with her).  At any rate, they kind of poked fun of me for it.

Sarah brought up how I’m going to “afford” to buy her a car if I’m only doing resale right now, saying, “How are you going to afford to buy her a car someday when you’re only selling shit,” and I said “I will make it happen; it will happen.”  I kind of changed the subject then when Kari (Jen’s girlfriend, my very first girlfriend) somewhat unexpectedly arrived because I felt embarrassed.  I was already embarrassed talking about it all because I knew they didn’t take me seriously.

I told them to watch the Notebook, and stated that I was (am) the “guy” in the notebook, and it’s not make-believe… they probably think I am delusional, I wouldn’t put it past them.  Sarah made a comment about how I knew Ash had gone to visit Mudlavia on my birthday, and I stated that I had seen it online… I didn’t want to tell her that I saw it through one of Ashley’s friends, but I did because she phished for information.

I told her that Crystal had told me that Ash is straight now, and so I clicked on the first guy on Ash’s friend list, and ironically it ended up being her current boyfriend, or what looks to be her boyfriend… and that in the pictures it showed them at Mudlavia.  That’s the truth – I didn’t look at any of her other friends… I clicked on his name because the few times I’ve gone to Ash’s page, he always shows up.

Anyway, I am afraid now what they (mostly Sarah, but Jen, too, I guess) will say to Ashley.  I asked both of them to kindly not say anything to her for fear of embarrassed on both my part and Ashley’s part, and Sarah said “Ok.”  I know how she is though and she will say something.  She will say something just to stir shit up.  She likes drama.  All I want to do is talk to Ashley again.

Like the song:  “Till the sky falls down” by Dash Berlin

“All I need is one good answer

To understand why you are gone”

It doesn’t make any sense why Ashley would cut me off out of nowhere and yet she claims that I still have “feelings” for her as if she doesn’t!  She is clearly denying them, but we will just keep it at that.  If that’s where she is right now with herself and in her growth, I will respect.  But I am allowed to talk about it, I just don’t know whether or not I can trust Jen and Sarah to not say anything.  It’s a shame I can’t talk to Ashley herself about this.

And I do have a life outside of Ashley, trust me… I work 60+ hours a week for myself.  I literally bust my ass, and though it’s hard work, I love having the freedom and flexibility of setting my own hours.  Anyway, this whole thing just seems absurd.  I’m probably better off keeping my feelings to myself and reserving them for my journal.  I truly do believe in a strong element of fate, and I know that when something is supposed to happen, it will.  I am going to (this is my plan) continue to live my life, “One day at a time” as Alanon puts it (Alanon can be credited for a tremendous amount of my growth) and see what happens.

I just wanted to get this out there.  I don’t even want to know what lies ahead for me.   I am trying to stay positive, but I know without a doubt that Sarah (and possibly) Jen are going to say something to Ash, which will likely sabotage any chance I may ever have at being friends with her again.

I know that my feelings of ambiguity will lessen over time as the universe (my Higher Power) provides me with more clarity about myself and others.  I know that I will continue to grow and learn and make the right choices for myself.  In the meantime, I will continue living my life and learning to trust myself and lean more on my Higher Power rather than others.

Continued feelings…

It’s been less than 2 minutes, and I still feel like I need to write (get out) my feelings about Ashley possibly being gone… I don’t know for sure, but I am pretty sure she has moved, and I am going to accept the worst.  Her mother’s “welcome” mat is still outside and her plants, but the porch looks more empty, and the plants are scattered and thrown about and the padlock on the outside storage isn’t latched shut (you can see it when you walk by).

I am really sad, and I don’t know what to think or what to do with myself.  I had hopes, and I was hoping to spot one another at the pool this summer.  I was ready to start all over.  I moved back here, coincidentally moved into the same apartment complex (we got a good deal, that’s why – and I suppose on some subconscious level it was also to attempt to “resolve” things), and now she’s leaving?  …or has left?

I just don’t get it.  Life tortures me enough with seeing her (Erin and I saw her for like 3 times) and then takes her away… another loss in my life.  I am so tired of losses.  I just got into an accident a week ago.  That was a loss… Erin and I hit a deer.  Our car was damaged.  Then our selling accounts got hacked and because they were hacked, we lost our selling privileges.

To make a long story short, life just sucks right now.  I am trying to keep my spirits up, but I don’t know how to handle this… and it’s like nothing around me, literally, in my apt, matters or could take away this pain that I feel… I feel sick… to my stomach.  As if it wasn’t bad enough that I heard through the grapevine that Ash moved to Chicago, but now her mother is entirely gone out of our apartment complex?  I guess I will officially find out tomorrow, or at least I will try.  I’m going to call the apt. complex and find out if that apartment is vacant.  Do I want to know?

I honestly think a part of me came to Lafayette (moved back) to try to resolve unresolved wounds with Ashley… and with my family, but that’s another story.  Now I am back here, and I am really trying to keep a positive mindset, but I am hurting by relationships… I feel a lot of pain surrounding and dealing with my relationships.  Things just aren’t working out… we aren’t choosing the right kinds of people to hang out with, and it’s very difficult to figure out where to meet like-minded people.

I am frustrated and am regretting not putting a note on Ashley’s car…. maybe she was waiting for it.  Either way, she would have appreciated it, despite the fact that she is consciously pushing me away.  “Shake it off,” by Florence and the Machine – go listen to it… it explains it.  Ash could sing it to or about me.  Who would have thought?

Ash’s mom has lived here for years… literally years.  And she’s gone (At least I think she is).  I just don’t get it.  2003- now.  We move in and now she leaves.  Maybe Ash really doesn’t want to see me… why and what did I do that was so bad that she would, literally out of nowhere, just cut me off?  Goyte-  “Somebody I used to know.”  Google that one, too.  Am I not supposed to love?  Is Ash’s mom getting married?  Maybe she moved in with him, and/or they got a house together?

I just don’t get it… and I hate, with a passion, change.  I think I need support right now… like a lot… emotional.  I would try and go back to Alanon meetings because there is a lot of emotional support offered there, but it’s different… it’s about grieving the loss of your partner, friend, family member, etc. drinking.  It’s not about love/hurt/general grief.

So I don’t know… what to say or do anymore.  I seriously feel a hole inside of me from this grief I’m feeling.  I really don’t want to get all down, but I officially don’t know how to “shake” this.  I think I want to take a walk tonight and see (hope) if she maybe moved to another building… I know that when we first moved here I was told by Crystal that she moved building (and she did), so maybe she moved again… although I think that’s wishful thinking.

I know I am thinking the worse and not having much faith, but I just need to sit on this.  I honestly probably just need to be alone.  Music… camping… all the things that mattered… like really mattered, at this moment in time, do not seem to matter.  And as I said in my last entry, I just purchased a new vehicle today, a vehicle actually made for camping and fun, and it just doesn’t seem to matter what-so-ever compared to how I feel right now.

I just don’t feel like I have a lot of support right now.  Literally, my family does not support me in any way.  My biological father won’t even talk to me he’s so self-absorbed… my mother (technically my aunt) is just nuts… she freaks out about the smallest stuff and is so image-focused you’d never guess a single thing is wrong.  Did I say “perfectionist,” too?  She has my sister (and brother now) wrapped around her finger.  She’s is so utterly dependent on my step father that she won’t leave him because she fears she won’t make it on her own because she married young and didn’t go to college – housewife in that day and age.

Anyway, I don’t know… I am just feeling uninspired right now and frustrated.  I guess I am going to have to rely on my Higher Power.  I am going to have to re-frame/refocus my thinking.  This is a HUGE setback.

I am going to go now, and I will probably (most likely) write again since I am so bothered.  I also probably won’t be very talkative tonight in person.  I just want to go for a walk now.  I need to clear my mind, but if I begin/continue to feel these feelings I don’t know what I am going to do.  I don’t exactly have a “circle” of support out here.


April 3, 2012. Sad news.

So I am feeling really depressed right now.  Or maybe extremely “blah” is another word.  I think that Ashley and her mother moved, or to be technical, Ashley’s mom, which means I won’t see Ashley anymore, and would explain why I haven’t seen Ashley for about 6 weeks.  I saw her several times in January, and that’s about it.  Did she move because of us?  Her mother never like me because she thought I turned Ashley gay.  She called me a “dyke” all the time.  Anyway, Ashley knew we moved here because I had texted her, and she pretended as though her phone number was invalid.  Funny, I called the number and it was her voicemail, and I know better.

At any rate, she has completely ignored me for maybe about a year now?  I don’t understand… but I am more sad than anything, and I feel literally sick to my stomach now.  I haven’t seen her mother’s car in about 2 weeks, or at least 2 weeks or so ago was when it was really brought to my attention.  I am beginning to have regrets and think that maybe I should have put something on Ash’s car when she came to visit… “maybe I blew it?” Again I think…

The porch outside of her apt just looks plain… I’m not sure if anything has been removed or not, but something is definitely different.  There are two plants outside and they look all dead and dried up and are moved/pushed forward, and the storage shed has a lock that is hanging on the latch open.  Her welcome mat is still outside the door, but that doesn’t mean anything.  I am sick to my stomach, and I am sad.  I was really inspired knowing Ashley still lived here…

I had plans of getting all in shape and the hope of running into her at the pool.  I really hate this shit.  Excuse my language, but I literally feel sick to my stomach.  I have never liked change, and this just blows.  Any connection I even have remotely to Ashley is pretty much broken, too.  Sarah is not talking to me though she agreed to add me to her friend’s list, Crystal (Ash’s ex, who I actually hooked her up with) flat-out deleted me off her friend’s list for no absolute reason what-so-ever on her birthday, Jen (Ash’s ex, the first one who she was with when Ash and I actually met) says she wants to hang out all the time but never does and seems embarrassed to be my friend (she flipped out about me sharing a picture that was public of her and some of our mutual friends being dorky).

I just don’t feel like I have any other gateway “in,” and yet, I have no idea why Ashley actually cut me out of her life, but it was out of nowhere, and feelings for one another have been mutual, and not changed the least bit, so it doesn’t make any sense.

I guess life is going to have to go on… now I am going to have to take (experience) a loss.  I really hate this, and I wish so badly I could turn back the hands of time… I feel really depressed right now.

I feel alone, and all I want is to feel connected again… how am I going to get my inspiration back without her even close?  I feel like it has officially ended now, and I am sick to my stomach.

Forget the fact that we just traded our car today and have a better car, more suitable for work purposes, I completely forgot.  I don’t even want to walk anymore… outside… nothing.  My last bit of hope has just been shattered.

Reflecting on experiences…

When I look at pictures of my life, I think about how much of my life she has missed out on…

College days

I also believe in a large element of fate… I think that things happen when you let them… when you surrender (I know, this sounds like an abstract idea) what’s supposed to happen happens.  Sometimes allowing yourself to let go of an outcome can be very difficult.  I think we all want to control things in our lives to a certain degree, some more than others; for me, it’s very hard to surrender, but when I do, it’s a beautiful thing…


Faberdrive – When I’m with you


“When I’m With You” by Faber Drive

Saw you walk into the room
Thought I’d try to talk to you
Babe am I ever glad you wanted me, too
It’s been two years to the day
Half the time I’ve been away
I know I’m not there enough but that’s gonna change
’cause I’m coming back
To show you that I’m keeping the promise I made
When I’m with you I’ll make every second count
’cause I miss you
Whenever you’re not around
When I kiss you
I’ll still get butterflies years from now
I’ll make every second count when I’m with you
Yeah we’ve had our ups and down
But we’ve always worked them out
Babe am I ever glad we’ve got this far now
Still I’m lying here tonight
Wishing I was by your side
’cause when I’m not there enough
Nothing feels right
So I’m coming back to show you that
I’ll love you the rest of my life
When I’m with you
I’ll make every second count
’cause I miss you
When ever you’re not around
When I kiss you I’ll still get butterflies years from now
I’ll make every second count
When I’m with you
Whatever it takes I’m not gonna break the promise I made
When I’m with you
I’ll make every second count
’cause I miss youWhen I’m with you
I’ll make every second count
’cause I miss you
Whenever you’re not around
When I kiss you
I’ll still get butterflies years from now
I’ll make every second count
(Make every second count)
When I’m with you
When I’m with you
When I’m with you
When I’m with you

Anxiety and wonder

I am tense, and I have anxiety tonight, and I hate feeling this way.  It’s not often I feel like this.  I have a lot on my mind and a lot of inventory scattered all over the place that needs cataloged and put in storage.  Between having things on my mind and stuff scattered all over the place, I am all nerves.  So I just found out tonight that Ashley lives in Chicago – I heard it through the grapevine about a week ago and now have a pretty good suspicion.  I’m not sure how I feel about it… but I have a tightness in my chest.  I feel dis-ease.

I remember when I lived out in Burlington, Vermont and said I would “never” move back to Indiana… I honestly didn’t think I would.  But I did.  Many of my friends have said the same thing – that they’ll “never” move back to Indiana, but they do.  I am praying that Ashley will move back.  How else are we supposed to have a friendship afar?  I guess we did before…

Anyway, I saw a picture of her tonight online with a guy and it looked like she had an engagement ring on, and I think my heart sank into the earth.  I zoomed in on my computer (mac’s have that ability) only to find out that it was on her middle finger, which put my mind to ease.  Still, now I am wondering if it just didn’t fit on the ring finger?  Grr.  I don’t know, but I am sick to my stomach tonight and feel nerve-wrecked.  I am tired and have not gotten good sleep the past week because I’ve been doing inventory around the clock.

Anyway, I don’t really know what else to say and may delete this post later.  I just need to vent.  I don’t see how people can live their lives in denial.  They think they’re “over” the past yet it comes creeping up every single time and it’s not “over” yet.  Why run and hide?  I have changed so much and grown up, and I know that I am capable of being the person I needed to be in her life now.  I think I might organize some pictures now.  Tomorrow I want to work on getting things cataloged and put in storage.

It never changes…

Sometimes I feel sad and have to remind myself of my life purpose.  I am human and cannot deny my emotions.  To be cut off from loved ones hurts, and I don’t think you can really understand what that feels like until you’re in the shoes yourself.  Amongst all of the hard work, I still think of her… she’s in the back of my mind, and I can only wonder whether she thinks of me.  I see her from time to time, and she ignores me…. because?  She is running away from herself and her feelings, that which she knows to be true but hates the site of it because on some subconcious level she is afraid… of hurt…. of rejection.

That is some pain, to deny those you love, and honesty.  She’s killing herself.  Numb.  “Addicted.”  Not to any drug, but to self-denial.  It preludes.  And I am left to stand here…

I cannot walk away from something I know to be true, nor can I deny my feelings.  For the longest time I always knew her to be so “alive.”  Now, I don’t know where she stands, much less where we stand other than the wall she’s placed between us.  It boggles me.  I’m sure we’ve all felt this way – romantic heartbreak… at some point or another.. where the feelings that linger… and no matter what, they just don’t go away.  Friendship, closeness, and the liking.  Certain people in our lives stick with us day-to-day.  And that’s when I ask,

“What’s my purpose?”  I remind myself of why I am here, and it’s not to love you… my soul purpose is not to love you, but I want a friend… a kinship.  And yet she runs and she hides… this song coming to mind:

How long will she run and hide and seek out the approval of others?  And what about that journal, of hers, that I never saw… can she read mine?  Does she have any desire to?  Does she just write it off like she writes her own feelings off?  …lost?

I always stood by her, and I always stood up for her, as she stood up for me, and after all of these years I have never stopped caring for her.  We were so alike, two fiery redheads stubborn and as strong as can be.  Driven.  To succeed, to be the best.  To be honest – with ourselves.  To be role models.  And we were… but “did she die,” I ask?  Where am I?  Without her, I feel lost in some way…  like a part of me has died… I need that connection in my life.

And I just sit here, and I wonder if all of my words are in vain… to take away all the pain, I never drugged out.  I never have, nor have I desired to.  I stayed clean.  I am clean.  I always have been, and I always will be.  I guess I just have to trust the element of fate in my life a little more and surrender to “What’s meant to be, will be.”

“Everything happens for a reason” When the time is right…

Ashley is in town tonight, and I am wondering if maybe subconsciously I am upset with the way things are between us.  I guess more than anything I am upset with myself.  Really, I am just upset with the situation.  I am bothered that she (or it feels like, anyway) is “pouting” and not talking to me.  I am sure she has good reasons, but at the same time I would like to think she can just get over it.  I don’t mean that insensitively, although I suppose it can be taken that way.  I guess I am just tired of the wall… the distance… what feels like separation.  I just want to be over it and communicating again and be supportive of one another.

I understand I offended her, and I am so sorry for that.  Trust me, I have learned my lesson.  I did not mean to violate her boundaries in any way.  I was young and naive.  You can really learn a lot in a short time.  I have learned a lot of valuable lessons in the time that I have been away from her, and I will be honest, I miss our friendship.

Anyway, she’s here in town, and I am left to sit with my feelings… Sometimes I get angry; sometimes I get sad, and I just want to go out on the town.  Yeah, people change, but there is always that part of us that remains the same.

“What’s meant to be, will be.”  I truly believe that “Everything happens for a reason.”

February 6th, 2011. Who we associate with/Values/Peer support group.

I am cutting out all unhealthy people in my life and when this happens it will be inevitable that I will be left with is myself and will be asked to examine myself closely.  I do believe though that association plays a big role in one’s development and growth –hindering or supporting.  “Guilty by association.”  People do have an effect on other people and the kinds of people we surround ourselves with is can break or make us.  There is energy associated with each person and situation.

One by one I will be making and learning how to make healthy, better (sensible) decisions for myself, being mindful of the kinds of people I let into my life and the choices that I make.  I am going to try and meditate a little and spend time  myself so that I can develop mindfulness for things going on in my life.  I am in the process right now of clearing out  my room –making my external environment a safe haven and a clutter-free refuge for me to retreat.  I think that this process of eliminating not necessary the “bad,” because I do not believe in strictly “good” and “bad,” but what does not align with my value-system, will be a *balancing act.  It almost reminds me of 13. The Death card in the tarot that states:  “Out with the old, on with the new,”“When one door closes, another opens,” but it’s a transition… and a slow one at that.

I just do not want something, ie: Erin and a selfish acting out incident on her part to hinder my progress.  I am not that strong to where I can just put my emotions aside and pretend (denial) to not be bothered; nor do I believe this is healthy.  I am really going to have to try and maintain focus and perspective.

I think that I am going to hop in the shower now even though I already took a bath today.  I want to feel clean 100% and well-groomed.  Then afterwords I think I will work on my budget for my 4 living options (2 of which seem most viable) and lists, ie: grocery, to buy/return, etc. some more.  The goal is to eventually have everything I need arranged and organized in such a manner to where I can access everything easily and efficiently, and save on costs.  It is important for me to be able to have my own space and have things run efficiently while enjoying life.

Tonight is Super Bowl night and everyone is coming over to drink.  Erin was quick to remind me that there would be much alcohol downstairs tonight.  I am not looking forward to this evening the least bit and cannot understand why people insist that fun involves alcohol.  Why not soda and popcorn?  Heck, or even juice and celery?!  I do not understand why people do not have well-developed values and am impatient with stupidity.  I really want to surround myself with value-minded individuals who are working towards similar goals and share similar interests.

June 18th, 2010; Vulnerable, Raw.

I’m feeling very vulnerable and raw right now.  I strained my the left side of my neck and back today learning how to box :(  After boxing I hopped in the pool and within an hour it started hurting bad.

Chris and I played basketball in the pool.  It’s funny because we had gone out to practice boxing, and I had just sent Ashley a link to this journal… and well, the minute we stepped outside, there were two people, a guy and a girl –younger couple, in the pool playing basketball!

My jaw dropped, and I was like “Aww, ‘Love and Basketball,’ is one of Ashley’s favorite movies, and I thought it was a huge coincidence how they were playing when I had literally just contacted Ash and actually mentioned her to Chris yesterday about how we used to play ball in the pool.

Anyway, so here I am inside, laying in bed, in pain, thinking of my strained neck and back, the situation with Erin, and Ashley.  Of course I have unresolved grief… a good string of it, but that doesn’t take away the feelings of missing a good friend (Ashley) I had… I respected Ash.

It’s so hard to find someone respectful of themselves it seems, and especially someone who has a good head on their shoulders.  For how I grew up Ashley had a pretty good head on her shoulders.  She was always positive and optimistic and always knew how to have a good time and get through things.  I supposed I am pretty strong, too, but Ash was a trooper.

To make a long story short, Ashley and I dated for 3-4 months, and I broke up with her to get back together with my ex.  My ex had cheated on me right before I met Ash… so I wasn’t fully over her, and Ash wasn’t over her gf (both Ash and I had both just gotten out of relationships) and my gf after 3-4 months of seeing Ashley and I together couldn’t take it and wanted to get back together.

She swore that she had changed and stated that she “needed” me, was “sorry,” etc, and because I had not taken the time to grieve her, I still had grief, which confused me… so, to say the least, I ended up getting back with her.  She did end up cheating on me again with the very same person, but that’s another story!

So I broke Ashley’s heart… it was the biggest mistake of my life, but I definitely learned from it, and it made me into a new person.  I mean that in every sense of the word.  I changed.  Fully and completely.  If I were a boy, you can say that this woman changed me into a man.

Anyway, I need to rest.

I am having a difficult time with this breakup with Erin… I am sad, lonely, and depressed.  I am pouty, and isolate… I’m stricken with grief.  I have basically lost contact with all of my friends since being in this relationship.  Many people have told me that Erin was emotionally abusive…

At any rate, I am all alone, and I feel all alone.  I draw on the strength of Ashley when Ashley is not around.  I will think about her and remember what it was like to have a healthy, fun, enjoyable relationship…

Still, there is loneliness that my heart cannot dispel, and pain so deep that even a miner couldn’t reach!  Honestly though… my soul hurts, and all I want is to be cuddled up to Erin at this moment…

What’s funny though is Erin is not “there;” she never has been (beyond the 3-month mark) and she likely never will be… so there is technically nothing “there,” and I don’t know why I keep convincing myself.  Maybe because Erin keeps coming onto me… it makes me feel like there is hope.

What is “hope” though anymore, honestly?  I honestly cannot help but wonder… because so little seems to make sense or matter anymore… I keep finding myself in the same kind of unhealthy relationships.

I want to fully recover from this codependency and get myself in a good place financially and mind-body-spirit to where I can have a healthy relationship and be able to have a family.  I know that seems heavy, but it’s true.  I really want to have stability and security, a family, and fun.

I wish that Ash would get a hold of me.  She was a good friend to me.  She would always check-up on me every few months, particularly when I was dating Annie… Annie was the most abusive relationship I’d ever been in.  Ash was there.  She was far away, but she was always there.

She has disapeared on me now and leads a different lifestyle.  She has not contacted me in months, and the last time that I talked to her she said some really mean stuff… I don’t understand personalities… and why people change.  I don’t understand what goes on inside the mind to cause people to lash out sometimes…

I have always been truthful and honest with Ash, and yet it seems to make no difference to her.  Maybe she is still upset over what happened years ago… she always seemed to look at me differently since.  But I swear, I am a changed person, and I mean that with all due respect.  I mean that in the strictest sense, and that is a conviction of mine.

Still, it sadly holds no weight, and I sit here with out my best friend… and yes, in many ways Ashley felt like my best friend… even though we hadn’t been physically in the same location for a few years because I moved, and even though we weren’t together any longer… she was still a best friend to me, and someone I felt could see eye-to-eye.

I was always very protective over Ashley.  I loved Ashley… with all of my heart.  I loved Erin, too, but in a different way.  I think love has many facets… many degrees.  I also think that there are many levels of respect.  I respected Ashley… I trusted her.  Trust is huge, and I could trust her.

I could not trust Erin.  Sadly, I couldn’t.  I wanted to, but I couldn’t, because she (like Sarah) would continually lie to me.  I never understood this phenomenon.  Ashley and I had developed mutual respect… I was just too immature at that time to really appreciate what we had.  I was immature because I did not properly grieve Sarah, and I allowed myself to move into a relationship with Ash.

As I said, Ash and I had both just gotten out of relationships… and we started off friends, with no intention of getting together, and it just worked out that way… but worse came to worse, and I broke her heart because of this unresolved grief.  This wasn’t fair to her, and I feel terribly sorry.

I want to talk to Ashley again… to see her.  Last year I offered to fly her out to Colorado for a psychology conference… I thought she would really love it.  I had saved money, and I wanted to take her.  She told me I was “nuts.”  Ash has never reacted that way… and I will be honest, it really hurt, and surprised me that she acted this way.

I would do anything for my friends, especially friends whom I can trust and hold a special place in my heart.  I am generous and more than willing to treat somebody to something like that.  And I just wanted to see her as friends, and that’s the truth… I had no other intention.  I wanted to make her smile.

I guess we all get “hard” throughout the years when we’re hurt… we get jaded… but “not my Ash,” I always said.  Unfortunately it was my Ash.  I don’t really know my Ash anymore… she has removed herself from a relationship with me.  The last time I talked to her she was telling me about this guy, Adam, who was pretty much “identical” to me (she couldn’t get over it), and I added him on facebook because I wanted to show her that I support her and her decision, and she freaked out, de-friended me, and hasn’t talked to me since.

I’m sorry that she reacted this way.  I do not know why she reacted this way, but I was being completely honest in that I was trying to support her.  To be supportive of her and there for her… I wasn’t going to say anything to this man, and this is the truth.  I wanted to show her that I cared, and that I would be there to support any decision she made.

Anyway, the last two years I have experienced several significant losses… including the loss of my therapist, who I actually fired.  She totally was self-serviing and unlicensed and commited some major ethical boundary violations, but that’s another story… I will not go into details.

I have learned to just bite the bullet… to attempt to “move on” from these losses… the truth is, I never really moved on… Ashley, yes, in many ways I grieved the relationship we had, but the friendship I have not grieved, and I am still actively hurting from it.  I am hurting because there is no closure… and because her actions were really hurtful…