4/21/12 – Ashley and her mother dream

There are numbers that play again and again… last night I dreamnt of her.  This wouldn’t be the first time… Elliot Yamin, The Notebook, Titantic… all those things.  Anyway, I dreamnt last night that her mom got a divorce and bought a new house.  My deceased grandfather was even in the dream and the “Somebody I used to know” song by Goyte in the beginning.  Ashley and I didn’t talk at first because she was still stuck on gaining her mom’s approval, and her mom didn’t talk to me at first, but I slowly made conversation, and eventually she talked to me.  Ashley also eventually came around because her mom liked me.  Her mom and I talked about Alanon and going to church!  I think that’s funny because I actually left a book on her doorstep that’s Christian, but a book that women in Alanon use!   It was an attempt to finally make peace between us and a sign of respect and sincerity. Anyway, it was very interesting and touching… I saw Ashley in the dream and thought she was beautiful, and I respected her and was very graceful.  I truly cherished her.  Her mother learned to open up to me and started talking to me about things, and it was the beginning stages of her accepting that I might just actually be a good person (before, she always thought I was this huge bull-dyke who turned her daughter gay).

The dream moved me and opened up some doors.

Expression and boundaries

So I’m really embarrassed and kind of self-conscious.  I went to hang out with Jen tonight, Ashley’s ex.  On my way over there, she told me that “Koger” (My ex, Sarah) was going to stop by.  I figured, “Okay, whatever.”  I nonchalantly wrote it off, but I was really nervous because I felt (feel, rather) fat right now because my thyroid meds are off again – that, or my lyme disease has re-birthed itself.

Anyway, I was (am) still very self-conscious.  I am not sure what to think right now because I revealed some information to them that I may later regret, that might hurt the person I care about.  I revealed that I still kind of have feelings for my ex, Ashley, (their former best friend).  Sarah is still facebook friends with Ashley, and Jen could easily talk to her if she wanted.

At any rate, they poked fun at me tonight, and I could tell they weren’t taking it (my feelings) seriously.  I felt (feel) really raw and vulnerable right now.  I want to be able to let my feelings out, but I don’t know who to talk to, and I also don’t think I am articulating what I feel correctly.  I don’t “want” Ashley in the kind of way(s) that Sarah was joking about… it is not a lusty thing… I want to be friends with her again, honestly.  I want to do fun things together and talk (reminisce) about old times.  I want to start over again and just have a good time and talk for hours about people and life.

Tonight I was talking about things like buying her a car someday and possibly marrying her because she is the “one” for me (I know this without a doubt – that she is the kind of person that I want to be with, and I have never, literally, met anyone like her – similar to me, strong, beautiful, willful, and graceful, and have never come across another person that I feel the way I do when I’m with her).  At any rate, they kind of poked fun of me for it.

Sarah brought up how I’m going to “afford” to buy her a car if I’m only doing resale right now, saying, “How are you going to afford to buy her a car someday when you’re only selling shit,” and I said “I will make it happen; it will happen.”  I kind of changed the subject then when Kari (Jen’s girlfriend, my very first girlfriend) somewhat unexpectedly arrived because I felt embarrassed.  I was already embarrassed talking about it all because I knew they didn’t take me seriously.

I told them to watch the Notebook, and stated that I was (am) the “guy” in the notebook, and it’s not make-believe… they probably think I am delusional, I wouldn’t put it past them.  Sarah made a comment about how I knew Ash had gone to visit Mudlavia on my birthday, and I stated that I had seen it online… I didn’t want to tell her that I saw it through one of Ashley’s friends, but I did because she phished for information.

I told her that Crystal had told me that Ash is straight now, and so I clicked on the first guy on Ash’s friend list, and ironically it ended up being her current boyfriend, or what looks to be her boyfriend… and that in the pictures it showed them at Mudlavia.  That’s the truth – I didn’t look at any of her other friends… I clicked on his name because the few times I’ve gone to Ash’s page, he always shows up.

Anyway, I am afraid now what they (mostly Sarah, but Jen, too, I guess) will say to Ashley.  I asked both of them to kindly not say anything to her for fear of embarrassed on both my part and Ashley’s part, and Sarah said “Ok.”  I know how she is though and she will say something.  She will say something just to stir shit up.  She likes drama.  All I want to do is talk to Ashley again.

Like the song:  “Till the sky falls down” by Dash Berlin

“All I need is one good answer

To understand why you are gone”

It doesn’t make any sense why Ashley would cut me off out of nowhere and yet she claims that I still have “feelings” for her as if she doesn’t!  She is clearly denying them, but we will just keep it at that.  If that’s where she is right now with herself and in her growth, I will respect.  But I am allowed to talk about it, I just don’t know whether or not I can trust Jen and Sarah to not say anything.  It’s a shame I can’t talk to Ashley herself about this.

And I do have a life outside of Ashley, trust me… I work 60+ hours a week for myself.  I literally bust my ass, and though it’s hard work, I love having the freedom and flexibility of setting my own hours.  Anyway, this whole thing just seems absurd.  I’m probably better off keeping my feelings to myself and reserving them for my journal.  I truly do believe in a strong element of fate, and I know that when something is supposed to happen, it will.  I am going to (this is my plan) continue to live my life, “One day at a time” as Alanon puts it (Alanon can be credited for a tremendous amount of my growth) and see what happens.

I just wanted to get this out there.  I don’t even want to know what lies ahead for me.   I am trying to stay positive, but I know without a doubt that Sarah (and possibly) Jen are going to say something to Ash, which will likely sabotage any chance I may ever have at being friends with her again.

I know that my feelings of ambiguity will lessen over time as the universe (my Higher Power) provides me with more clarity about myself and others.  I know that I will continue to grow and learn and make the right choices for myself.  In the meantime, I will continue living my life and learning to trust myself and lean more on my Higher Power rather than others.

Continued feelings…

It’s been less than 2 minutes, and I still feel like I need to write (get out) my feelings about Ashley possibly being gone… I don’t know for sure, but I am pretty sure she has moved, and I am going to accept the worst.  Her mother’s “welcome” mat is still outside and her plants, but the porch looks more empty, and the plants are scattered and thrown about and the padlock on the outside storage isn’t latched shut (you can see it when you walk by).

I am really sad, and I don’t know what to think or what to do with myself.  I had hopes, and I was hoping to spot one another at the pool this summer.  I was ready to start all over.  I moved back here, coincidentally moved into the same apartment complex (we got a good deal, that’s why – and I suppose on some subconscious level it was also to attempt to “resolve” things), and now she’s leaving?  …or has left?

I just don’t get it.  Life tortures me enough with seeing her (Erin and I saw her for like 3 times) and then takes her away… another loss in my life.  I am so tired of losses.  I just got into an accident a week ago.  That was a loss… Erin and I hit a deer.  Our car was damaged.  Then our selling accounts got hacked and because they were hacked, we lost our selling privileges.

To make a long story short, life just sucks right now.  I am trying to keep my spirits up, but I don’t know how to handle this… and it’s like nothing around me, literally, in my apt, matters or could take away this pain that I feel… I feel sick… to my stomach.  As if it wasn’t bad enough that I heard through the grapevine that Ash moved to Chicago, but now her mother is entirely gone out of our apartment complex?  I guess I will officially find out tomorrow, or at least I will try.  I’m going to call the apt. complex and find out if that apartment is vacant.  Do I want to know?

I honestly think a part of me came to Lafayette (moved back) to try to resolve unresolved wounds with Ashley… and with my family, but that’s another story.  Now I am back here, and I am really trying to keep a positive mindset, but I am hurting by relationships… I feel a lot of pain surrounding and dealing with my relationships.  Things just aren’t working out… we aren’t choosing the right kinds of people to hang out with, and it’s very difficult to figure out where to meet like-minded people.

I am frustrated and am regretting not putting a note on Ashley’s car…. maybe she was waiting for it.  Either way, she would have appreciated it, despite the fact that she is consciously pushing me away.  “Shake it off,” by Florence and the Machine – go listen to it… it explains it.  Ash could sing it to or about me.  Who would have thought?

Ash’s mom has lived here for years… literally years.  And she’s gone (At least I think she is).  I just don’t get it.  2003- now.  We move in and now she leaves.  Maybe Ash really doesn’t want to see me… why and what did I do that was so bad that she would, literally out of nowhere, just cut me off?  Goyte-  “Somebody I used to know.”  Google that one, too.  Am I not supposed to love?  Is Ash’s mom getting married?  Maybe she moved in with him, and/or they got a house together?

I just don’t get it… and I hate, with a passion, change.  I think I need support right now… like a lot… emotional.  I would try and go back to Alanon meetings because there is a lot of emotional support offered there, but it’s different… it’s about grieving the loss of your partner, friend, family member, etc. drinking.  It’s not about love/hurt/general grief.

So I don’t know… what to say or do anymore.  I seriously feel a hole inside of me from this grief I’m feeling.  I really don’t want to get all down, but I officially don’t know how to “shake” this.  I think I want to take a walk tonight and see (hope) if she maybe moved to another building… I know that when we first moved here I was told by Crystal that she moved building (and she did), so maybe she moved again… although I think that’s wishful thinking.

I know I am thinking the worse and not having much faith, but I just need to sit on this.  I honestly probably just need to be alone.  Music… camping… all the things that mattered… like really mattered, at this moment in time, do not seem to matter.  And as I said in my last entry, I just purchased a new vehicle today, a vehicle actually made for camping and fun, and it just doesn’t seem to matter what-so-ever compared to how I feel right now.

I just don’t feel like I have a lot of support right now.  Literally, my family does not support me in any way.  My biological father won’t even talk to me he’s so self-absorbed… my mother (technically my aunt) is just nuts… she freaks out about the smallest stuff and is so image-focused you’d never guess a single thing is wrong.  Did I say “perfectionist,” too?  She has my sister (and brother now) wrapped around her finger.  She’s is so utterly dependent on my step father that she won’t leave him because she fears she won’t make it on her own because she married young and didn’t go to college – housewife in that day and age.

Anyway, I don’t know… I am just feeling uninspired right now and frustrated.  I guess I am going to have to rely on my Higher Power.  I am going to have to re-frame/refocus my thinking.  This is a HUGE setback.

I am going to go now, and I will probably (most likely) write again since I am so bothered.  I also probably won’t be very talkative tonight in person.  I just want to go for a walk now.  I need to clear my mind, but if I begin/continue to feel these feelings I don’t know what I am going to do.  I don’t exactly have a “circle” of support out here.


April 3, 2012. Sad news.

So I am feeling really depressed right now.  Or maybe extremely “blah” is another word.  I think that Ashley and her mother moved, or to be technical, Ashley’s mom, which means I won’t see Ashley anymore, and would explain why I haven’t seen Ashley for about 6 weeks.  I saw her several times in January, and that’s about it.  Did she move because of us?  Her mother never like me because she thought I turned Ashley gay.  She called me a “dyke” all the time.  Anyway, Ashley knew we moved here because I had texted her, and she pretended as though her phone number was invalid.  Funny, I called the number and it was her voicemail, and I know better.

At any rate, she has completely ignored me for maybe about a year now?  I don’t understand… but I am more sad than anything, and I feel literally sick to my stomach now.  I haven’t seen her mother’s car in about 2 weeks, or at least 2 weeks or so ago was when it was really brought to my attention.  I am beginning to have regrets and think that maybe I should have put something on Ash’s car when she came to visit… “maybe I blew it?” Again I think…

The porch outside of her apt just looks plain… I’m not sure if anything has been removed or not, but something is definitely different.  There are two plants outside and they look all dead and dried up and are moved/pushed forward, and the storage shed has a lock that is hanging on the latch open.  Her welcome mat is still outside the door, but that doesn’t mean anything.  I am sick to my stomach, and I am sad.  I was really inspired knowing Ashley still lived here…

I had plans of getting all in shape and the hope of running into her at the pool.  I really hate this shit.  Excuse my language, but I literally feel sick to my stomach.  I have never liked change, and this just blows.  Any connection I even have remotely to Ashley is pretty much broken, too.  Sarah is not talking to me though she agreed to add me to her friend’s list, Crystal (Ash’s ex, who I actually hooked her up with) flat-out deleted me off her friend’s list for no absolute reason what-so-ever on her birthday, Jen (Ash’s ex, the first one who she was with when Ash and I actually met) says she wants to hang out all the time but never does and seems embarrassed to be my friend (she flipped out about me sharing a picture that was public of her and some of our mutual friends being dorky).

I just don’t feel like I have any other gateway “in,” and yet, I have no idea why Ashley actually cut me out of her life, but it was out of nowhere, and feelings for one another have been mutual, and not changed the least bit, so it doesn’t make any sense.

I guess life is going to have to go on… now I am going to have to take (experience) a loss.  I really hate this, and I wish so badly I could turn back the hands of time… I feel really depressed right now.

I feel alone, and all I want is to feel connected again… how am I going to get my inspiration back without her even close?  I feel like it has officially ended now, and I am sick to my stomach.

Forget the fact that we just traded our car today and have a better car, more suitable for work purposes, I completely forgot.  I don’t even want to walk anymore… outside… nothing.  My last bit of hope has just been shattered.

Reflecting on experiences…

When I look at pictures of my life, I think about how much of my life she has missed out on…

College days

I also believe in a large element of fate… I think that things happen when you let them… when you surrender (I know, this sounds like an abstract idea) what’s supposed to happen happens.  Sometimes allowing yourself to let go of an outcome can be very difficult.  I think we all want to control things in our lives to a certain degree, some more than others; for me, it’s very hard to surrender, but when I do, it’s a beautiful thing…