Encounter with Ashley – I predicted it – Friday the 13th!


So it would be worth mentioning that I ran into Ashley last night at an art walk.  I had predicated, while working at the Mosey last month, (literally) that I would meet her at one of these “art” events, and sure enough, she was there!  I was actually referred to the event via another ENFJ, Beth, whom Barbara (last name), (INFJ), had introduced me to.
Anyway, Erin and I had looked at all the art galleries and were sitting in front of a tattoo shop in a couple of brightly colored chairs just people watching because we weren’t ready to leave yet, and sure enough, when I turned my head to the left I saw Ashley, with her boyfriend.  I immediately freaked out and said “OMG,” and flew out my chair while yelling to Erin, “LETS GO” and starting walking.  We started walking and turned into the first art gallery on our right, the first one we actually went to (Name of gallery).  I was completely okay until I saw Ashley and Jared looking into the window at a woman glass blowing beads.  It turned out that “woman” was Jared’s mother!  (I would later be introduced to her).

So Erin and I just kind of walked around in this art gallery, and almost immediately, when I realized that Ashley and her boyfriend were hanging outside of the shop and looking in I got weak in the knees… like never before… I honestly did not know that phenomenon actually existed, but I can attest to it first-hand.  Like, I was so weak in the knees you would have thought I was having a seizure.  I was afraid that other people could see.  Like, my legs were shaking badly.  I was… really nervous?  Like, the feeling that you would feel before getting up on a stage.  I was also wearing loafer-like low-heel square dress shoes because it went well with my outfit, and I wanted to stand out.

I am tempted to upload a picture of what I was wearing last night, but I’ll pass lol… I don’t feel like digging out the camera… I wore my shiny 1970’s flare/bootcut pants from France, a white short sleeve cotton polo with a brown t-shirt over the top, my square low-heeled business shoes, and my aviator sunglasses, which by the way, I did not take off!  I debated it and wanted to take off my glasses, but thought I was already bad enough looking weak at the knees and didn’t want to draw anymore attention my way.

Anyway, so she and Jared eventually came inside, and Erin and I just sat there swarming around, walking in circles, and I said, “What should I do??”  Ashley and Jared were now inside, I thought.  They stood still for a moment and started talking to some guy, an older gentleman.  I debated in my head whether or not I should say something to her… attempt to initiate a conversation… because I am not one to let a “moment” pass by.  I decided I would and needed to, otherwise I would regret it.  In the back of my mind, I had a nagging desire to understand why she cut me off – of course I did not address this (Update: 12/22/12-  I should have).

But I did in fact go up to her.  I actually gently, lightly tapped her on the shoulder/lower arm (she was wearing a purple dress).  I said something to her like “Hey Ashley, how have you been?”  She said she had just gotten back from a flight to and from AZ I believe? …for a “training,” for work.  I thought to myself, “Yup, that’s COMPLETELY Ashley!”  ie, work, trainings, etc.  I giggled inside.  I smiled.  I think Jared may have gone with her, but I am not sure…

Speaking of “Jared…”  I was introduced to him, and his father.  I believe (yes, I am pretty sure), Ashley introduced me to Jared’s father first, introducing me as her “friend” – to each his own, whatever suits her (Update: 12/22/12, ha).  I respected it, her anonymity – in fact, I continued to respect it the remainder of the night.  We would end up having two exchanges this night.

After introducing me to Jared’s father, she, after some time of small-talk, introduced me to Jared.  Prior to that, she said to Erin, “Oh, I’ve heard a lot about you.”  I was thinking to myself, “Just because you have heard a ‘lot’ about her does not mean I want to be with her (long story, and one I wish not to post on here).”  At any rate, Ashley was purposely very emotionally distant, clearly putting on a “poker” face… she had a “filter,” or image/forcibly facade up to cover up the fact that she may have been gay in the past.

It was evident that Jared (this shocked me) didn’t have any idea that we had been together

After the event, Erin asked me if Ashley gave me any “clues” as to whether she may still have feelings for me, or whether there was something “there.”  I only remember one incident with eye contact that would possibly reveal that, but for the most part, she (and I) were keeping up a very good “image” of “nothing happened or occurred between us.”  I don’t know why Ashley has gone this route, or gone into the “closet,” but just because I “left” Indiana does/did not mean that I would never come back, and now here I am, having subliminally come back for her, and I think it’s a bit of a shock to her.

Ohhh, and there was a time after about 10 minutes of introductions that Erin and I walked away and out of the art gallery to go back and sit in our comfy chairs a block or two down the road in front of the hipster-like tattoo shop.  Erin and I talked at this time, and I kept saying that I felt “extremely awkward” and that I wanted to “make it right,” for myself – that I had made a fool of myself, and that I just needed to collect myself and go “back in there” and try and smooth things out.  She was very upset and visibly insecure and did not want to go back in there, at which point I was/became angry because of the jealousy (she cheats on people, yet when I want to go and talk to my former love, she gets upset, despite the fact that I have been fully faithful to her, our entire “relationship,”), and insisted that she go with me.

After 15 minutes of coaxing we went back, and sure enough, Ashley and Jared were still there.  This time they were over by the bead maker, Lisa, who happened to be Jared’s mother, whom Ashley introduced me to.  Erin was hanging around the snack bar again, eating, and was quite a ways back – she refused to come with me to obtain “closure.”  Frankly, I just wanted to “neutralize” the awkward feelings from the first encounter.  Her pouting irritated me, like the insistence on coming back in while I went in a second time, but I dealt with it and headed back over myself.

Ashley started talking about a certain bead, the “Star,” ironically my tarot card!  …and how it’s her “favorite.”  I actually said to her, somewhat rhetorically, “It’s your favorite?” and she said “YES,” and went on to tell me about how “intricate” the bead-making process is and how much “work” Lisa puts into making them.  She then gave me a brochure that was displayed in front of Lisa’s setup and said to check out the site, stating that Lisa is trying to make enough money to go to school out in California.  I would love to be able to support her, as well as her grandmother’s grave, who I still need to (and will) go visit. (Update: 12/22/12:   I thought her grave was on 9th street – apparently not.  I have located the correct graveyard and have printed out directions to it.  I will be going to see it before I move back to Vermont January 31st, 2013.  Guests – I am moving back to Vermont to get my healthcare up-to-date and rehabilitated and to begin my Master’s Degree.  Fortunately, the Master’s Degree is “low residency,” so I can live anywhere while enrolled.  I will be in Vermont only until I get my healthcare up-to-date, and then I will be traveling out to California somewhere or Ashland, OR.  There is an off-chance I might come back to Indiana IF Ashley gets a hold of me, but I won’t hold my breathe.  I need to pursue my dreams, and if “It’s meant to be, it’ll be,” as Ashley always said.  I would, however, move back to Indiana for her, in a heartbeat).

Anyway, I almost forgot, Erin and I told Ashley to come visit the “Mosey” tomorrow night.  To my surprise, she had never heard of it… I told her that I would be doing professional tarot readings and that Erin would be making home-made dog biscuits and that the two of us make “record – art” out of vinyls.  She laughed and said she’ll have to check it out, but it sounded like she may have had another event planned.  I also told her that I would be reading tarot tonight at Bombay Hookah, hosting an “event!”  We talked a little about tarot since that is what I happened to be doing at the time, and she said, “That does not surprise me.”  I thought to myself, “Yeah, I have always been weird…”  We could not get in the time I wanted… When I talked to her the second time we were literally sandwiched in-between Lisa (Jared’s mother) and Jared and his father, whose name I did not catch – I am horrible with names!

I honestly could only get in and remember about 1/2 (or more realistically, 3/4) of what she told me because I was so damn nervous that a lot of stuff just went in and out one ear.  But yeah… she actually told me where she worked!  Bank of America :)  I am not even sure if there is one in Lafayette.  I asked her how long she has lived here, or maybe when she started dating Jared?  She replied:  “December 31st,” which I don’t know which year… 2011, I would assume?   I just remember things “changed” between us when she was very rude to me on New Years Eve (I felt so alone at that time – things were happening with Erin – she was acting out, Michael had just blown me off) when Ashley didn’t care to show any interest in me, and acted distant and very cold via text message.  Mind you, 2 months prior to that, or over the summer, I can’t remember, was when she told me she met a guy “just like you” (like me) and how she “can’t get over it,” “how ‘similar’ we are,” etc.

If Ashley was referring to 2011, which is likely the case, she moved back to Lafayette and into our apartment complex (which for those who don’t already know, she – and her mother, do not live here anymore) right around when Erin and I moved in and signed a lease.  Yes, I had dreams of Ashley moving back… I also had dreams of her mother buying a house, and sure enough, within a few short months of our lease, she would.

At any rate, there was so much I wanted to catch up on, and we didn’t… couldn’t.  I remember leaving the event and thinking, “There’s so much I could have said… or that I still want to say.”  When I got home, I added Jared and his mother as friends on Facebook.  This felt a little strange, but I wanted to be “supportive” of Ashley and her new relationship.

Oh, and the tarot card for the “day” was the 3 of Wands… from the Vertigo deck, which is slightly different than the traditional.  But the card in the Vertigo Deck basically deals with divisions… between people-energies… it also represents power, and independence.  Further, it can represent “explorations, heroic action, possibly involving sacrifice.”  In the traditional deck, it means success and potential and deals with future success… future possibilities and an alarming success rate.  At any rate, I am not sure how it ties into the situation (most situations it makes sense); it may be that I’m just not supposed to know right now, but will find out later.

Anyway, Ashley and I also talked about school… I said, “So are you going to go to grad school for your Master’s Degree?”  She said yes, but not right now… maybe in a year or two.  I asked her where at, and she said she was interested in some school in Massachusetts- “What a coincidence, I have been considering Harvard,” I thought!  Then she mentioned “possibly IU.”  I said, “Bloomington?”  She said, “Yes.”  I said, “Yeah, that’s a good school, I have been there.”  I said, “But I think you will like Massachusetts better :)  I would encourage you to get out of Indiana :P

Anyway, I still cannot understand why she cut me off… and maybe I won’t for a while.  I honestly don’t even know if the Walsh’s will add me to Facebook… (Update:  12/22/12:  They actually all blocked me the very next day.  Can you say two-faced?  Shock?  Perhaps Ashley felt threatened that her “secret” – me, and her sexuality, might be revealed).   Who knows.  All I know is that it seems like a big secret that Ashley is gay… she doesn’t want anyone to know.  I respected it.  I still have my own opinions.  I miss her incredibly.

In the car, on the way home, Erin started crying (note, she never cries), saying she was “scared” of losing me, etc.  Like I said, and not to invalidate her, but she pushes away the people she claims to love and sabotages the relationship by cheating on the person and childish, manipulative, selfish things that are downright atrocious, so I can’t fully sympathize with her.  At any rate, I reassured her that I wasn’t going anywhere.  I will leave that up to fate to decide.  I do know that I want to see Ashley again… I miss her.  She was my first, and only, love.

Update:  At the Hookah Club, I heard a song that reminded me of Ashley and I and the situation… I have posted a few of the different versions below.  I haven’t determined my favorite one yet lol.  I am going to burn them all onto a disk and go from there, because music is always best judged when played in a car!  At any rate, here is one version:

A remix (one of several versions).  Can I say this to her?

The song, along with the other versions and some other songs, are all posted on my Facebook, and they are in order of “flow.”  The songs, if you listen to them on my Facebook and note the order, are ordered to go with the mood.  Anyway, I really miss her… and I wonder if she thinks about me.  I wonder if she is going to continue to run away from herself and her feelings and rekindling.

I would stay in Lafayette if she would come back into my life.  I want to be friends with her, and I have been wanting this since I arrived back here last year.  In fact, I think subconsciously, I largely, came back from the East Coast for her.

At any rate, we’ll see what happens.

Confirmed =)


Confirmed – Ashley lives here!

Now I have to get to work… lots do to today.  I have to clean out the booth from K&C’s Stuff & Things – Never again consignment!  Consignment sales were horrible, for everyone!

After clearing out the booth, we are probably (well, are, haha) going to be left with a lot of stuff.  This is always fun… sarcasm!  There is a community yard sale this weekend, so it should be pretty fun.  Great way to get rid of it!  Everything that does not sell will be donated to charity.

Alright, I need to get to work!  Have a good day!

Crazy coincidences…


So curiosity has struck me because I keep seeing “Illinois” plates EVERYWHERE, and Erin suggested that it might be Ashley “thinking” about me.  This started on Memorial Day, and it’s been nuts – like, they will randomly jump out in front of me and are literally EVERYWHERE.  Anyway, so tonight, I can’t remember what prompted me, I googled Ashley’s name and stuff with her mother came up.  Before I go there, I wanted to say that it said Ash lives in Chicago… “Mylife” pretty much reveals everywhere you have lived… it even mentioned that Ash lived in Wisconsin..

So a few things… first off, I think it is very eerie that Ashley’s mom was on the news a couple years ago and traded in her silver dollars… when I literally collect them and buy them off people.  I literally (call it “luck” or what – actually, I think it’s karma, because I had some stolen from me in the past) paid $22 for 3 of them, and they together are worth $2,000.  The guy at the Fairgrounds said that he thought they were “fake,” but they turned out to be real!

Anyway, so here’s the news article I found with Teresa (Ash’s mother) selling them:  http://www.wlfi.com/dpp/on_the_money/people-seeking-alternative-ways-to-find-extra-holiday-cash  She got ripped off MAJORLY by the way, but that’s another story.  I collect them, and I would have given her $50 a piece for them!  Some of them can be worth good money.

Excited by what I had discovered, I bravely and likely in vain, sent Teresa a Facebook message that reads:

  • Emily A Cox
  • 21 minutes ago

    • Teresa,

      Hey, I saw your news article on the news. I actually buy silver dollar coins for $50 a piece. It looks like you sold quite a few! If you get anymore, I will buy them off of you.

      I hope you have been doing well, there are some great changes at Twkyenham! The pool is about to open, and I am super excited!

      I had a dream that you got a house! I hope you are doing well, and enjoying your new place.

      -Emily A Cox”

Anyway, then the saddest thing came up… and I have been thinking about, and have actually thought about this, several times… Ashley’s dearest grandmother… she passed away… exactly what I was afraid of.  Article:  http://hosting-5049.tributes.com/show/Ruth-M.-Leader-91169949

I want to apologize to Ashley for not being there… I didn’t have any idea she had passed sine Ashley cut me off right around the time of this article… if I had known that, I would have literally, flown to this funeral and been there with Ashley.  I am not exaggerating; I would do anything for that woman, and to support her… her grandmother was such a beautiful, nice, strong woman.  She died around the time Ashley and I met… “March.”  Granted, 8 years later.  Still, I do not remember the last time that I heard from Ashley…

The last conversation I had with her was while I was at the mall in New Jersey with Erin shopping for Mac’s… we had gone to the Mac store, then to the Disney store (for Erin), then to a food equipment store, and I had called Ashley somewhere in between… I think in the Disney store… and I had told her that I would be going to South Korea to teach English.  I am not sure of the month, but I honestly think it was right around the time her grandmother had passed… I had/have never heard from Ashley since, except that she no longer wanted to talk with me should my “feelings” come between her and a “future” relationship.

I wish I had the email from Ashley that she sent me departing our own ways, but I don’t… I closed the account… I might actually have it in a blog, I would have to check… Irregardless, I am shocked to learn that her grandmother passed, and I am more saddened than anything to have not been able to be a part of Ashley’s support during this trying phase, especially since she was there when my father passed away.

Article #2:  http://www.journalreview.com/obituaries/article_1a760b4c-534c-11e0-95d8-001cc4c03286.html

I just signed the guestbook… I will probably go and pay my respects and put flowers on her grave soon.

Some errie coincidences are coming up with this search… As I posted in a previous entry, I had a dream that Teresa bought a house… well, on one of the searches it says a house was either sold or purchased on April 21st 2012 to Teresa via Majestic Homes – IF it’s the same Teresa!  Weird weird weird… I do not have a connection like this with anyone else… the only two other experiences I have had were with my stray cat, “Buckeye,” 15 years ago and my ex, Jen… so strange.  Only Ashley.

THEN the woman who baptized me (My mother’s BEST friend) comes up: Dr. Sally Downham Miller – AEI Speakers Bureau, still in the “Teresa” search… what the hell! …ofall people!  Creepy!  Yeah… “Majestic HOME” sale:

2450 Estancia Lane Majestic Custom Homes of Lafayette Inc. Teresa A. Hull 3/15/2012 Lafayette $155,450.00 $300.00

2450 Estancia Lane… I am sorry, but this cannot get any creepier.  I dream of this woman… well, Ashley, not her mother, obviously ;)  …although, as I said, I dreamt that she purchased a house… in fact, I honestly want to go back and see when I dreamt it, because it may (actually, it was) right around the time that she purchased it!  I mean, I have had dreams of Ashley, where I am screaming her name… like, waking up and screaming her name.  I had one dream like this, and it was extremely powerful and intense.

I also had a dream that Ashley was coming to visit home, and sure enough, she did!  …the next day!  Erin swears we are meant to be.  Anyway, I have to go check this out.  As for everything else going on, a lot.  Re-instated, I picked up a part-time job to help supplement some money until South Korea next year :)  1 year in Korea, and I should be in a much better financial position!

Okay, ta ta!

Yes, I just know…


I have gained 10 lbs since Ashley moved out “officially” April 5th.  I chalk it up to not walking past her apartment anymore – that, and depression.  I am clearly depressed now that she is gone… I really had hopes for us.  Tonight I posted on my Facebook:  “I am 100% certain that you are the person I want to be with, and if you were here right now, I would, without a doubt, ask you to marry me, and I don’t think I would regret that decision. I am here when the time is right. Whatever form you come back in my life, I will be here, waiting.”

I really miss her… I also sent her a picture of the moon:

because it’s supposed to be a full moon tonight…  I honestly don’t even know whether or not she receives my messages.  People will probably think I am crazy, but then again, they probably also think that Noah in the Notebook was crazy.  I definitely share his mentality.

I am not one to give up when I know in my heart that something is right, and note I said “heart,” not my head.  Ashley is not somebody I think I want, I know in my heart that the relationship is right for me, and it’s a conviction.

I am certainly open to other relationships and am not closing myself off to the chance of love or loving another, but I know that Ashley and I could be happy together… fulfilled.  I have learned my lesson and learned from the mistakes of yesterday… 9 years ago.

Noah in the Notebook waited over 7 years for Allie… It has been 9 years, and I am still waiting on Ashley to return… the difference is that her and I have stayed in contact since we broke up.  She just hasn’t talked to me for a year and a half… she randomly cut me out of her life out of nowhere.

Anyway, I just wanted to express a little tonight.  I am going to go work out now on my favorite work out machine – the row machine :-)

4/21/12 – Ashley and her mother dream


There are numbers that play again and again… last night I dreamnt of her.  This wouldn’t be the first time… Elliot Yamin, The Notebook, Titantic… all those things.  Anyway, I dreamnt last night that her mom got a divorce and bought a new house.  My deceased grandfather was even in the dream and the “Somebody I used to know” song by Goyte in the beginning.  Ashley and I didn’t talk at first because she was still stuck on gaining her mom’s approval, and her mom didn’t talk to me at first, but I slowly made conversation, and eventually she talked to me.  Ashley also eventually came around because her mom liked me.  Her mom and I talked about Alanon and going to church!  I think that’s funny because I actually left a book on her doorstep that’s Christian, but a book that women in Alanon use!   It was an attempt to finally make peace between us and a sign of respect and sincerity. Anyway, it was very interesting and touching… I saw Ashley in the dream and thought she was beautiful, and I respected her and was very graceful.  I truly cherished her.  Her mother learned to open up to me and started talking to me about things, and it was the beginning stages of her accepting that I might just actually be a good person (before, she always thought I was this huge bull-dyke who turned her daughter gay).

The dream moved me and opened up some doors.

April 17th, 2012 Ashley and her new lifestyle


So I am not sure whether to be angry or happy for Ashley.  I know that sounds horrible, but I am a bit shocked and mortified to see that her profile picture on facebook is now of her and a guy.  She’s been dating this guy for a while, at least for a few months, and it’s petty clear.  Worst of all, the guy dresses like me.  Literally, when I saw their pic yesterday as Ashley’s main profile pic, I had on the exact same shirt on as the guy, no exaggeration!  …a button up long sleeve shirt, with a white T underneath.

To make matters worse, when I clicked on his profile to find out a little more about who the magical guy is, there are pictures of them at OUR place!  …literally, “OUR” place – Mudlavia!  wtf?  Okay.  You know, she calls me a year ago and tells me how she met this other guy “just like me,” etc… I mean, “just” like and goes on and on obsessively, and how we’re “soooo similar,” and she “can’t get ‘over,’ it.”  Riiiight.

I am angry, and I am not going to worry about it much anymore.  If that’s the lifestyle she’s going to choose to lead, then she can lead it.  I don’t differeniate gender or let it confime me.  Erin brought up the fact that maybe she hasn’t told this guy that she’s been with woman… who knows… I doubt that, because Ashley is very open about everything, but who knows.  At any rate, I don’t define myself according to predisposited “gender” roles.

There really isn’t much else I can say other than the sickness in my stomach has gone away, and I literally feel angry and likely very shocked at what I see.  It is what it is… I haven’t felt this way in a while; I think the last time I felt like this was when Ashley was with Crystal, and I regretted having screwed up with her.

I have changed, 100%.  I know that I can make her happy.  I know that we can make each other happy – that is the furthest thing from her mind though, and I have to and will respect that.  I am honestly about to just try to “drop” all of this… I am so tired of it.  I am hurt and turned off right now. 

I think I am going to get ready and go for a bike ride on my new fixie.  I want to get my body in shape and build it strong.  I want to live a long life.  I have dreams and goals I have set for myself, and I plan to reach them.

“You took the words right out of my mouth” 100% percent.


Yup, it couldn’t be stated any clearer:

 

A: Why are we stopping?
Holden: ‘Cause I can’t take this.
A: Can’t take what?
Holden: I love you.
A: You love me?
“Holden: I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we’re great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I’m sure that’s what you’ll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the-the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is-is-is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can’t take this anymore. I can’t stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can’t-I can’t look into your eyes without feeling that-that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can’t talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship – no pun intended – but I had to say it, ’cause I’ve never felt this way before, and I-I don’t care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can’t hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn’t allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I’ll accept that. But I know, I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there’s a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. And all I ask, please, is that you just – you just not dismiss that, and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn’t another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I’m with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can’t deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you’ve meant to me, which – while I do appreciate it – I’d never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.”

Expression and boundaries


So I’m really embarrassed and kind of self-conscious.  I went to hang out with Jen tonight, Ashley’s ex.  On my way over there, she told me that “Koger” (My ex, Sarah) was going to stop by.  I figured, “Okay, whatever.”  I nonchalantly wrote it off, but I was really nervous because I felt (feel, rather) fat right now because my thyroid meds are off again – that, or my lyme disease has re-birthed itself.

Anyway, I was (am) still very self-conscious.  I am not sure what to think right now because I revealed some information to them that I may later regret, that might hurt the person I care about.  I revealed that I still kind of have feelings for my ex, Ashley, (their former best friend).  Sarah is still facebook friends with Ashley, and Jen could easily talk to her if she wanted.

At any rate, they poked fun at me tonight, and I could tell they weren’t taking it (my feelings) seriously.  I felt (feel) really raw and vulnerable right now.  I want to be able to let my feelings out, but I don’t know who to talk to, and I also don’t think I am articulating what I feel correctly.  I don’t “want” Ashley in the kind of way(s) that Sarah was joking about… it is not a lusty thing… I want to be friends with her again, honestly.  I want to do fun things together and talk (reminisce) about old times.  I want to start over again and just have a good time and talk for hours about people and life.

Tonight I was talking about things like buying her a car someday and possibly marrying her because she is the “one” for me (I know this without a doubt – that she is the kind of person that I want to be with, and I have never, literally, met anyone like her – similar to me, strong, beautiful, willful, and graceful, and have never come across another person that I feel the way I do when I’m with her).  At any rate, they kind of poked fun of me for it.

Sarah brought up how I’m going to “afford” to buy her a car if I’m only doing resale right now, saying, “How are you going to afford to buy her a car someday when you’re only selling shit,” and I said “I will make it happen; it will happen.”  I kind of changed the subject then when Kari (Jen’s girlfriend, my very first girlfriend) somewhat unexpectedly arrived because I felt embarrassed.  I was already embarrassed talking about it all because I knew they didn’t take me seriously.

I told them to watch the Notebook, and stated that I was (am) the “guy” in the notebook, and it’s not make-believe… they probably think I am delusional, I wouldn’t put it past them.  Sarah made a comment about how I knew Ash had gone to visit Mudlavia on my birthday, and I stated that I had seen it online… I didn’t want to tell her that I saw it through one of Ashley’s friends, but I did because she phished for information.

I told her that Crystal had told me that Ash is straight now, and so I clicked on the first guy on Ash’s friend list, and ironically it ended up being her current boyfriend, or what looks to be her boyfriend… and that in the pictures it showed them at Mudlavia.  That’s the truth – I didn’t look at any of her other friends… I clicked on his name because the few times I’ve gone to Ash’s page, he always shows up.

Anyway, I am afraid now what they (mostly Sarah, but Jen, too, I guess) will say to Ashley.  I asked both of them to kindly not say anything to her for fear of embarrassed on both my part and Ashley’s part, and Sarah said “Ok.”  I know how she is though and she will say something.  She will say something just to stir shit up.  She likes drama.  All I want to do is talk to Ashley again.

Like the song:  “Till the sky falls down” by Dash Berlin

“All I need is one good answer

To understand why you are gone”

It doesn’t make any sense why Ashley would cut me off out of nowhere and yet she claims that I still have “feelings” for her as if she doesn’t!  She is clearly denying them, but we will just keep it at that.  If that’s where she is right now with herself and in her growth, I will respect.  But I am allowed to talk about it, I just don’t know whether or not I can trust Jen and Sarah to not say anything.  It’s a shame I can’t talk to Ashley herself about this.

And I do have a life outside of Ashley, trust me… I work 60+ hours a week for myself.  I literally bust my ass, and though it’s hard work, I love having the freedom and flexibility of setting my own hours.  Anyway, this whole thing just seems absurd.  I’m probably better off keeping my feelings to myself and reserving them for my journal.  I truly do believe in a strong element of fate, and I know that when something is supposed to happen, it will.  I am going to (this is my plan) continue to live my life, “One day at a time” as Alanon puts it (Alanon can be credited for a tremendous amount of my growth) and see what happens.

I just wanted to get this out there.  I don’t even want to know what lies ahead for me.   I am trying to stay positive, but I know without a doubt that Sarah (and possibly) Jen are going to say something to Ash, which will likely sabotage any chance I may ever have at being friends with her again.

I know that my feelings of ambiguity will lessen over time as the universe (my Higher Power) provides me with more clarity about myself and others.  I know that I will continue to grow and learn and make the right choices for myself.  In the meantime, I will continue living my life and learning to trust myself and lean more on my Higher Power rather than others.

Daughtry – Gone too soon [dedication]


I am aware that this song is about someone who has lost a child.  However, I like to imagine it being about a person that you’ve loved deeply and that you’re not together with right now…  “Today could have been the day that you blow out your candles and make a wish as you close your eyes” to me is about you and that person’s “could-have” been anniversary/wedding day.  This individual has great respect for this woman and even her mother.  He cherishes her more than life itself.

“One thing is evident, would have given you all I have, would have loved you like no other.”

Continued feelings…


It’s been less than 2 minutes, and I still feel like I need to write (get out) my feelings about Ashley possibly being gone… I don’t know for sure, but I am pretty sure she has moved, and I am going to accept the worst.  Her mother’s “welcome” mat is still outside and her plants, but the porch looks more empty, and the plants are scattered and thrown about and the padlock on the outside storage isn’t latched shut (you can see it when you walk by).

I am really sad, and I don’t know what to think or what to do with myself.  I had hopes, and I was hoping to spot one another at the pool this summer.  I was ready to start all over.  I moved back here, coincidentally moved into the same apartment complex (we got a good deal, that’s why – and I suppose on some subconscious level it was also to attempt to “resolve” things), and now she’s leaving?  …or has left?

I just don’t get it.  Life tortures me enough with seeing her (Erin and I saw her for like 3 times) and then takes her away… another loss in my life.  I am so tired of losses.  I just got into an accident a week ago.  That was a loss… Erin and I hit a deer.  Our car was damaged.  Then our selling accounts got hacked and because they were hacked, we lost our selling privileges.

To make a long story short, life just sucks right now.  I am trying to keep my spirits up, but I don’t know how to handle this… and it’s like nothing around me, literally, in my apt, matters or could take away this pain that I feel… I feel sick… to my stomach.  As if it wasn’t bad enough that I heard through the grapevine that Ash moved to Chicago, but now her mother is entirely gone out of our apartment complex?  I guess I will officially find out tomorrow, or at least I will try.  I’m going to call the apt. complex and find out if that apartment is vacant.  Do I want to know?

I honestly think a part of me came to Lafayette (moved back) to try to resolve unresolved wounds with Ashley… and with my family, but that’s another story.  Now I am back here, and I am really trying to keep a positive mindset, but I am hurting by relationships… I feel a lot of pain surrounding and dealing with my relationships.  Things just aren’t working out… we aren’t choosing the right kinds of people to hang out with, and it’s very difficult to figure out where to meet like-minded people.

I am frustrated and am regretting not putting a note on Ashley’s car…. maybe she was waiting for it.  Either way, she would have appreciated it, despite the fact that she is consciously pushing me away.  “Shake it off,” by Florence and the Machine – go listen to it… it explains it.  Ash could sing it to or about me.  Who would have thought?

Ash’s mom has lived here for years… literally years.  And she’s gone (At least I think she is).  I just don’t get it.  2003- now.  We move in and now she leaves.  Maybe Ash really doesn’t want to see me… why and what did I do that was so bad that she would, literally out of nowhere, just cut me off?  Goyte-  “Somebody I used to know.”  Google that one, too.  Am I not supposed to love?  Is Ash’s mom getting married?  Maybe she moved in with him, and/or they got a house together?

I just don’t get it… and I hate, with a passion, change.  I think I need support right now… like a lot… emotional.  I would try and go back to Alanon meetings because there is a lot of emotional support offered there, but it’s different… it’s about grieving the loss of your partner, friend, family member, etc. drinking.  It’s not about love/hurt/general grief.

So I don’t know… what to say or do anymore.  I seriously feel a hole inside of me from this grief I’m feeling.  I really don’t want to get all down, but I officially don’t know how to “shake” this.  I think I want to take a walk tonight and see (hope) if she maybe moved to another building… I know that when we first moved here I was told by Crystal that she moved building (and she did), so maybe she moved again… although I think that’s wishful thinking.

I know I am thinking the worse and not having much faith, but I just need to sit on this.  I honestly probably just need to be alone.  Music… camping… all the things that mattered… like really mattered, at this moment in time, do not seem to matter.  And as I said in my last entry, I just purchased a new vehicle today, a vehicle actually made for camping and fun, and it just doesn’t seem to matter what-so-ever compared to how I feel right now.

I just don’t feel like I have a lot of support right now.  Literally, my family does not support me in any way.  My biological father won’t even talk to me he’s so self-absorbed… my mother (technically my aunt) is just nuts… she freaks out about the smallest stuff and is so image-focused you’d never guess a single thing is wrong.  Did I say “perfectionist,” too?  She has my sister (and brother now) wrapped around her finger.  She’s is so utterly dependent on my step father that she won’t leave him because she fears she won’t make it on her own because she married young and didn’t go to college – housewife in that day and age.

Anyway, I don’t know… I am just feeling uninspired right now and frustrated.  I guess I am going to have to rely on my Higher Power.  I am going to have to re-frame/refocus my thinking.  This is a HUGE setback.

I am going to go now, and I will probably (most likely) write again since I am so bothered.  I also probably won’t be very talkative tonight in person.  I just want to go for a walk now.  I need to clear my mind, but if I begin/continue to feel these feelings I don’t know what I am going to do.  I don’t exactly have a “circle” of support out here.

 

My birthday… so far sucks.


I am feeling kind of depressed now and am trying to keep my spirits up.  Today is my birthday and hasn’t been a good day.  The day started off with being rejected for health services.  Erin and I both went to get prescription refills and blood work and were told that we don’t “qualify” for the free clinic because we do not have aids, high blood pressure, heart problems, etc.  Supposedly in Indiana free aid does not exist.

I am shocked because on the east coast, both in Vermont (especially) and Philadelphia health care is virtually free… at least at clinics.  I am shocked to find out that I can’t get ANY help here.  I also don’t qualify for health insurance because I am not “pregnant” with children.  Can you believe that?!  It has to be a joke… this state is backwards.

Anyway, I am irritated also because nobody has said “Happy Birthday” to me… literally 1 friend text messaged me “Happy Birthday” and the only reason he likely remembered it is because his is tomorrow!  We are literally 13 minutes apart.  And 5 random acquaintances on Facebook said Happy Birthday, yet nobody else.  …and yet people receive pages upon pages on Facebook all the time – and I get 5!

My family (this story is not new unfortunately, but gets worse and worse every year) did not even say Happy Birthday until 3 o’clock today.  My sister, then my brother an hour or so later, and then my mom last but not least… heck, my own dad (biological) did not say Happy Birthday.

So today is depressing.  I am really trying to keep my spirits up, but I am having a hard time.  I don’t understand why more people would not reach out to me and say Happy Birthday… yet, I am serious, some (many – like 90% of my friends) people get PAGES upon PAGES of birthday wishes.

I don’t understand why I’m not that special and/or important to anyone… even Ashley didn’t say Happy Birthday to me, or Katherine who recently dumped Erin and I off for no apparent reason… along with our friend Jonathan who is dating a loser who’s abusive and a control freak.  Anyway, yeah, so we are basically without any friends right now.

I mean, we have friends I guess… middle/middle-upper class people who are pretty cool and nice, but they (like everyone else) are flaky in terms of reliability, and I hate that.  I can’t seem to find any good, decent people around here… and honestly, it isn’t just “here;” it was Philadelphia, too… Vermont honestly was the only place that I never got dumped off, and I mean that.  I am not idealizing Vermont; people had different ethics and values there.  And they valued time and friendship.

I just feel so lost right now… maybe “lost” isn’t the word.  Lonely, perhaps?  I am surrounded by stuff… an entire apartment, and what I want are friends.  I am sad right now.  No amount of “money” in the world, little or a lot, can change that… that need for connection.  I just don’t understand what it is I’m doing so wrong on a fate-level that would make/attract this into my life… this alienation.

Anyway, sorry to be so negative on my birthday, but that’s kind of how the day started out when I went to go for my blood work to see if the lyme disease is officially gone and had a door (metaphorically) shut in my face.  No assistance.

The Truth


She’s not going to understand because she’s too caught up with herself.  I need to be much more selective about the people that I let into my life.  I need to stick to what I know is important and dependability is definitely one of them.  It’s about maturity.

From then until now


Ashley and I’s number is “17.”  She would dare to do the unspeakable.  It’s funny because she had told me to go to this station… now called “Iheartradio,” saying that she “loved” Shinedown, and I shit you not, I go to it, 5 years later and SHINEDOWN is on the front page…

It’s eerie.  Anyway, this isn’t the original video that I saw, but one similar… the original was live in New York on November 17th, 2005.  And right when he says his first “I Dare You,” I think of Ashley completely.

He has truly admirable qualities… a good head on his shoulder’s, passion, conviction, sincerity, loyalty.  When he says “Call me a liar,” you cannot dispute his authenticity.  He knows the truth and it’s irrefutable.

I feel like I should give my very worst fear a  voice.  I feel like I should say, right now, “I’m afraid she’s going to call me up and tell me that she’s marrying someone.”  Another part of me doesn’t want to write that on this page and put it “out” there.

I feel like I am missing out on her life right now… so many things… her grandmother – is she still alive?  How’s Wesley? etc.

Yet another part of me trusts that things will turn out the way that they should.  You know, it sucks when you know things that other people don’t… yet you have to remain silent.  I know some things are better of kept a secret.  I also don’t want to, and won’t, die pretending I don’t care.  I cannot, for the life of me, be someone that I am not.

There exists an unspeakable, undeniable truth.

Conviction of purpose.

It never changes…


Sometimes I feel sad and have to remind myself of my life purpose.  I am human and cannot deny my emotions.  To be cut off from loved ones hurts, and I don’t think you can really understand what that feels like until you’re in the shoes yourself.  Amongst all of the hard work, I still think of her… she’s in the back of my mind, and I can only wonder whether she thinks of me.  I see her from time to time, and she ignores me…. because?  She is running away from herself and her feelings, that which she knows to be true but hates the site of it because on some subconcious level she is afraid… of hurt…. of rejection.

That is some pain, to deny those you love, and honesty.  She’s killing herself.  Numb.  “Addicted.”  Not to any drug, but to self-denial.  It preludes.  And I am left to stand here…

I cannot walk away from something I know to be true, nor can I deny my feelings.  For the longest time I always knew her to be so “alive.”  Now, I don’t know where she stands, much less where we stand other than the wall she’s placed between us.  It boggles me.  I’m sure we’ve all felt this way – romantic heartbreak… at some point or another.. where the feelings that linger… and no matter what, they just don’t go away.  Friendship, closeness, and the liking.  Certain people in our lives stick with us day-to-day.  And that’s when I ask,

“What’s my purpose?”  I remind myself of why I am here, and it’s not to love you… my soul purpose is not to love you, but I want a friend… a kinship.  And yet she runs and she hides… this song coming to mind:


How long will she run and hide and seek out the approval of others?  And what about that journal, of hers, that I never saw… can she read mine?  Does she have any desire to?  Does she just write it off like she writes her own feelings off?  …lost?

I always stood by her, and I always stood up for her, as she stood up for me, and after all of these years I have never stopped caring for her.  We were so alike, two fiery redheads stubborn and as strong as can be.  Driven.  To succeed, to be the best.  To be honest – with ourselves.  To be role models.  And we were… but “did she die,” I ask?  Where am I?  Without her, I feel lost in some way…  like a part of me has died… I need that connection in my life.

And I just sit here, and I wonder if all of my words are in vain… to take away all the pain, I never drugged out.  I never have, nor have I desired to.  I stayed clean.  I am clean.  I always have been, and I always will be.  I guess I just have to trust the element of fate in my life a little more and surrender to “What’s meant to be, will be.”

“All we are” by One Republic



“All We Are”
by One Republic

I tried to paint you a picture, the colors were all wrong
Black and white didn’t fit you and all along,
You were shaded with patience, your strokes of everything
That I need just to make it, and I believe that…
Time can tear you apart
But it won’t break anything that you are, you are

We won’t say our goodbyes you know it’s better that way
We won’t break, we won’t die
It’s just a moment of change
All we are, all we are, is everything that’s right
All we need, all we need, a lover’s alibi

I walked a minute in your shoes, they never would’ve fit
I figured there’s nothing to lose,
I need to get some perspective on these words before I write them down
You’re an island and my ship has run aground
Lord knows I’ll fail you time and again,
But you and me we’re alright

We won’t say our goodbyes you know its better that way
We won’t break, we won’t die
It’s just a moment of change
All we are, all we are, is everything that’s right
All we need all we need, a lover’s alibi

Every single day that I can breathe, you change my philosophy
I’m never gonna let you pass me by
So don’t say your goodbyes you know its better that way
We won’t break, we won’t die
It’s just a moment of change

All we are, all we are, is everything that’s right
All we need, all we need, a lover’s alibi

So don’t say our goodbyes you know its better
We won’t break, we won’t die